CONFESSIONS OF A

SOCIOPATH

Chapter 2

It took a while to realise that my idea of friends was a bit different from others. I'm certain there's a fair share of people who hold the same perspective as me but certainly not when it comes to the people around me—otherwise, they must be hypocrites. This 'friends' thing is, in all honesty, more tiring than anything. In a nicer way, I would compare it to sheep herding. You raise your cattle in hopes it would one day prove to be worthwhile, as you do with your friendships. When they're small, there's little you can reap. But when they're much bigger, that's where the returns can be seen. How tiring it must be for one to maintain their sheep—feed it, nourish it, protect it—in wait for winter where their fur is required.

It's worse when it comes to friendships. At least farmers don't have to pander to their sheep to keep their rewards tangible. Keeping them happy is simple since all you have to do is give them sustenance and manage their environment. For people, you have to invest so much effort into maintaing a freindship. Talking to them, agreeing to spend time with them to "strengthen" the friendship, remembering the small little details about them so they feel special to you... If only friendships could be as simplistic as herding cattle.

What's even more terrible is that when it comes to people, you never really know whether they're useful to you or not. It's a given that I am attracted to useful people, such as Jackson. He may be annoying but he has a wide circle of friends all over Korea with how outgoing and friendly he is. Mark's father owns a fashion company famous for their trendy bags so he hands some out to us as so-called promotion since we're on the higher rungs of the social hierachy. Himchan is deadweight in our clique since he is practically useless, what with most of our other friends in school being the same. I would have tried to distance myself from him but he is too much of a drama queen to estrange myself from without having any repurcussions.

Back to the concept of friends, it's certainly draining. Sometimes, talking to people and joking around is fine. When I'm free, of course, this is all rather nice, but when I'm busy, it's a different story. I suppose most would feel the same way too so I'm not all that bad. After all, it's killing two birds with one stone when you have to go out to get something or do things and you call along one of your friends on the pretext that you'd like to spend time with them.

Socialising is possibly the most useless activity one can indulge in. If you exercise, you lose weight and gain muscles. If you paint, you have a piece at the end of it all. If you play the piano, you up your skill. But socialising gives you no tangible benefits besides a day wasted with no productivity whatsoever.

I've been called out for my bluff more times than not, since the excuses are always the same. Something something my phone died or something something I had to help out my mother. Really, do people ever reflect on the hours they waste gluing their face to their phone? It's always irritating how they manage to catch you online when you're talking about something important to someone else so you can't pretend you're away from your phone. Himchan is one of these annoying flies. Always whining about how I don't reply him and asking if I secretly hate him. Why bother asking when you already have that inkling? He's rather sly, that I'll admit. His talent is making a big theatrical out of anything minuscule. Of course, I can't say that I hate him outright with other people watching, so I'll have to say I like him. And then he goes around trumpeting it to everyone 

Just thinking of Himchan makes me irritated. He's a cocky airhead who fishes for self-pity since he craves for attention. I'd say he has some sort of superiority complex but it's not that, either. He cuts in people and acts like he's smarter than us but grovels for attention from us and everyone else through self-pitying spiels. An absolute garbage of a person.

Glancing down at my shirt, I tug at the collar curiously. I remember this shirt. It's one of the first few that I stole. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not poor or anything. It's just kind of ridiculous that clothes can go for twenty dollars and more. The fact that they make it so easy to steal probably already says something. Some shops tend to miss a few magnet tags on their articles so it's more than easy to stash it in your bag while in the changing room.

A few messages pop up on my phone and I glance through them. Jackson's inviting me to Hana's party next week. Deliberating, I flick through my email for any sudden assignments from the teacher and frown at the one at the very top. Yoo Youngjae.

Hi Daehyun! Haha this is so awkward and you probably don't remember me but I'm Youngjae, Eunji's friend :) You said you wanted to see my new project so I thought I'd send you a few photos! It's pretty lame, sorry :( You can see my other stuff on insta. I'm @vanillatea

Skimming through the several photos he has attached of some minimalist style, framing some common furniture, I bat my lashes slowly and close the email. Is he expecting me to fawn over his photos like how I complimented his work that time? He's gullible as hell. His work isn't as good as people make it out to be. For an amateur, I guess I'd be willing to give him more plus points.

I have to be polite so I'll reply him later. With nothing better to do, I search him up on Instagram. Though I'm not too interested in social media, I do look every now and them. I upload photos occasionally onto Instagram just to put myself out there for the sake of doing so. 

As expected, Youngjae's page is cluttered with photographs. Looking at all the captions makes me scoff. What a pretentious kid. Trying to look deep and acting all shy and nice when he's replying praises. Do these people have eyes or are they just as fake as I am? Scrolling further, I spot Kim Jongin's compliments on some of Youngjae's photos and Youngjae's cringeworthy "Thank you! :) Just so you know, I really love your dancing" typical replies. What a tool. These two should mix.

I would say that in our particular third year cohort, both Jongin and I would be at the top of the school hierachy. Jongin's an opinionated kid who made his way up there with his apparently "really cool" dancing. His friends got a free ride up there and rumours about him are both nice and not so nice. There are some who think he's stuck-up, conceited and childish, undeserving of his popularity and the worship he gets from girls, while others, as mentioned, are enamoured by him. He gets somewhat upset if people criticise his dancing and readily posts all his opinions all the time on Twitter. He's another attention seeker but unlike Himchan, he gets attention so it doesn't look as pitiful. What a .

Though both of us stand around the same popularity, it's interesting to note we've never spoken before. To be honest, half of me doesn't like him because his popularity enables him to be headstrong in anything he thinks is right—rendering him of no help as a friend and worst of all, a threat. Though, at least he doesn't get on my nerves as much as his friend Byun Baekhyun does. Baekhyun is a downright and he would have been a reflection of me if not for how careless he is. He's manipulative and acts nice, but his facade breaks ever so often. Sadly, not enough for people to know that he makes friends so he can conquer the school and stamp out anyone he doesn't fancy. I was smart enough to keep my distance. It should be more blatant to people, really, considering how he chases after people who have a substantial standing in school.

Losing interest quickly in Youngjae's instagram, I tap on the tab to see the few photos he's tagged in. If I'm going to be truthful, he's not that bad looking. He has some acne scars along his cheeks and dark eye circles but he's quite... pretty. I've heard from Himchan he was picked on for being fat back in middle school but he slimmed down before high school came around. Though, in freshman year, some guys still made fun of him because of his feminine face but according to Himchan's gossip, they stopped. Not surprisingly. We all grow out of that phase sooner or later.

Vanilla Tea? He's vanilla, alright. I doubt he's ever had a girlfriend. I was planning on replying his email later but seeing him talk to Kim Jongin is annoying. Might as well win him over a little.

Hey! Wow, I'm amazed. Your photographs are beautiful. I really love that it focuses on something common. Really brings out the beauty of it. Sorry, I wish I knew how to say more but I'm such a noob at photography. How long have you been into photography? It looks like you've been taking pictures for years. :o

Thanks for showing me your photos! :) I'd love to see more. I followed you on insta, btw. I'm @dh_jung.

Idiot.