CONFESSIONS OF A

SOCIOPATH

Chapter 5

How do you tell the difference between a psychopath and an ?

You don't. You may try to differentiate someone who's twisted and loves to toy with others from a true psychopath but in actuality, there isn't much of a difference. Whether biologically made or crafted by some pitiful childhood, why bother evaluating whether to slap a label of  'psycho' onto an ? At the end of it all, he still is what he is. See, putting that tag of 'psychopath' onto someone has no benefit. You just fear him even more. Instead of thinking of him as someone who s with people for his own pleasure, you think of him as just a psychopath --- someone who is who he is because he simply is. Someone with a mental disorder instilled in him; someone who can plead insanity in court after repeated homicides because the code book gives him an excuse to. People like that are better off sentenced to death, truth be told. Why play with fire when you've got a serial killer on your hands?

When I was a child, at the age of six, if I recall correctly, a boy with down syndrome kicked me in the stomach. When he climbed to the top of the playground, I kicked him off and he fell, twisting his elbow. While the screams from the other children cut through the air, I ran down to help him and comforted him as he cried.

Am I a psychopath? Who knows. I may very well just be an .

I recline into my seat, trying my best not to roll my eyes at the lengthy essay Sana sent me. Why does she always beg for attention from me, of all people? She's so damn needy. We've been having this back and forth conversation for a ing week. After she confided in me about how she felt inferior to the others in her dance class, I gave her the usual praises without even bothering to read most of her messages and ended off with the standard believe in yourself! She was apparently so grateful because I changed her life so she texted me this whole essay about how great of a person I was and how I'm talented and amazing and all that . It was nice to read at first but for god's sake, I had to reply that. After replying with again, praising her and saying she was nice and , she decided to hit the rebound and write another lengthy spiel about how great I was and how she's so lucky to meet me as her friend. I waste half an hour trying to type back a response because I can't copy and paste the same I've already written. I try to ignore her but when I'm online, she waits five minutes like a dog drooling over a bone --- in this case, my response --- and then sends me a message saying she's so shy she sent me that text. Aka, I sent you a message! Please reply!

I thought it was over when I managed to veer the conversation back to normality and ended it with saying goodnight. But now, she's back at it again. Spurting out crap saying she thinks I'm such an amazing person because it's obvious she wants me to praise her again. Okay, maybe she's really delusional and thinks I'm some amazing creature who saved her, but she's starting to go overboard. I would have thought she was into me if she didn't keep repeating that her boyfriend Jinyoung is so thankful towards me because she apparently had been thinking of killing herself. Is life so saddenning that not winning a dance competition can make you suicidal? What a joke.

As if she actually was suicidal. If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have gone through with it. Don't spout empty words to gain attention.

What a nuisance. I should just ignore her. But then again, I wouldn't be too happy if she goes running off to someone. It's a sad thing about me. People are like tokens with, unfortunately, legs. Any person would be upset to see their collection go down, me inclusive.

Whatever. I'll reply her tonight. She's already waited two weeks; she can wait a few days more. I cross my arms over the cafe table, peering out for Youngjae. I came here early to get a headstart on studying and he's due to arrive in five minutes.

If I were to be truthful, Youngjae actually did get on my nerves more than I'd like to acknowledge before we officially met. It's because he was the first person who outright didn't like me, enough for him to tell someone about it. Sure, there are definitely people who don't like me despite me trying to be as nice to everyone. I don't want to seem like a Kim Jongin but besides the reason that these people think I'm fake, they either feel envious or excluded. You might ask, what does it mean to be excluded? Well, when you have someone superior parading around your school and you're not part of his circle, it's natural to feel intimidated. You hear about him so much and how he's so great and whatnot, and he remains but a distant figure because apparently, you're not good enough to spend time with him. Why are you not part of that greatness? Why are you stuck on the lower rungs of the hierachy? Why isn't that person friends with me? It's easier to rely on spite than logic because inherently, these pathetic people pander to their emotions without any sort of control.

I did try to do things to Youngjae but honestly, he was too much of a small fry for me to do any real damage. Who cares about some random kid from one class that badmouthed Jung Daehyun? The only way I'd be able to lynch him would be to explicitly drag him into a conversation out of nowhere. That wasn't possible. It's only when his photography helped his standing that I managed to smear his reputation again. Everytime someone brought him up, I'd wince and ask if he was the one who people have been saying plagiarised some other photographer. But even those opportunities were scarce because he was a nobody.

And now, I'll have to spend time on a weekend with this nobody. I regret asking him out. Sure, it's exciting to play with a boy who likes boys, but what can I get out of this? Fun? Obviously, I can't taunt Youngjae. Neither can I make him magically fall in love with me in one day, which will open up the "fun" aspect since he'll be like a puppet on strings. So what good is socialising with him when it encourages him to come nearer to me? All I wanted was for him not to be under Jongin's wing. 

What do I want out of this? I guess having a boy to crush on me would be interesting. But it's not like I can do much with him since he's so boring and useless.  If things go further, I could use him to relieve myself. I cross my legs at the thought, letting my imagination run a little. He's pretty, so it would be nice to see him beneath me. Though, it's not like I'm actually into him or gay. Why would I risk my reputation to play with someone who's no fun?

Still, it would be interesting to have a boy at my beck and call. Youngjae's the type to lay low so if we do progress into that, I'm sure that socially anxious mess will keep quiet about it. Well, if I do manage to win him over, having a boy to play with emotionally and physically would be fun. I'd definitely want to have in a relationship so I guess that'll make it even more intriguing --- spreading him open and filling him up, despite him being a boy.

I bet he likes that, honestly. That pretty face probably thinks about having somebody inside him all the time. They always say the quiet ones are the freaks. I repress a snicker, raising my head when I notice the figure approaching. 

"Hey," I call out, eyes raking over Youngjae's form. Out of his school uniform, he looks even smaller than usual, skinny jeans hugging his legs and baggy shirt drooping over his shoulders. I offer him a smile and Youngjae awkwardly returns it, clumsily settling into his seat.

"Was it hard to find the place?" I ask, shifting slightly closer to him as he removes his beanie. I reach over and gently comb his hair, Youngjae blinking at me and lowering his head.

"A-Ah, no," Youngjae coughs. Unbelievable how a boy can look this delicate. He probably would have been better off being overweight than looking like so androgynous.

"Here, I'll go buy drinks. My treat. What would you like?"

Three precious hours go down the drain just like that. I end up sitting at the cafe with Youngjae, disinterestedly flipping through my books. Youngjae, on the other hand, is surprisingly studious. He doesn't seem too bright, though, judging from how he always spends way too long on a page. 

Finally, when evening comes, we decide to put an end to our study date. I walk Youngjae back home, quite surprised we didn't live too far off from one another.

"Yeah, the frame rate isn't the same." Youngjae continues to ramble and I consider jumping out into traffic with how boring he is. Is photography everything to him? I try to get him to talk about other aspects of his life but this is all he cares about. He's quite secretive for someone so plain. I stare at him, trying to figure out what this kid could be hiding. Maybe he's actually interesting deep down or he's just one of those overly cautious people for absolutely no good reason.

Who knows. 

"Daehyun?" Youngjae waves slightly and I back away, conjuring a sheepish smile. "You got a bit zoned out there," Youngjae chuckles awkwardly.

"Sorry. I was just thinking about how," I pause, clearing my throat and wheezing my following words, "pretty you are."

It's still loud enough for Youngjae to catch. He lowers his head instantly and I act embarrassed, laughing, "Sorry. It just slipped."

"It's okay," Youngjae whispers. He glimpses up at me and asks softly, "Um, why pretty?"

"Huh?"

"Why'd you call me pretty instead of... I don't know, handsome?" Youngjae embarrassedly breathes, red clawing up over his skin.

"Oh, I just said what came to mind," I respond, rubbing the back of my neck. "My brain-to-mouth filter whenever I'm- well... It's nothing."

We immerse in a hilarious silence. Well, since I've already gone this far, I might as well bring it home.

"You know, I think it's really amazing how much you love photography," I sigh, drawing up a smile. "It's inspiring to see someone so passionate about something. You love photography so unconditionally and the way your eyes light up while you're talking about... it's beautiful."

"I wish I had something --- or someone --- to feel this passionate about." I end off with an affectionate grin. Youngjae hums softly, voice all of a sudden hilariously high-pitched.

"Um, don't you have a girlfriend?" Youngjae questions. "Hyuna."

"Oh, Hyuna and I broke up last year," I fill in. Wow, is this boy living under a rock? Almost the whole school should know by now that Hyuna and I separated. She goes crying about it so often on social media, after all.

"Really?" Youngjae widens his eyes before catching himself. "I mean, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's okay. It was for the best," I remark with feigned nostalgia. "We both weren't in love. Just looking for it."

"Then, do you have somebody in mind now?" Youngjae asks in such a small voice I strain to hear his words. Jackpot. Not bad; this boy actually managed to catch the hint this time.

"Well," I cough, acting a slight bit nervous as Youngjae watches me. "Yeah. That person... I don't know them well but I've always admired them from afar." I heave with a fond smile, "They make me feel so small with how good they are at their passion."

"Who's the girl?" Youngjae questions meekly.

"I can't tell you who that person is," I breathe, locking eyes with Youngjae. He's probably caught on by now with how I'm using they. Otherwise, he's an utter idiot.

"You'd.... be really shocked," I hum, exhaling softly.

"Ah... okay," Youngjae whispers. I would have been annoyed that he didn't continue the conversation but this is enough for now. I can't go too far and scare him off when this is our first date.

We arrive at Youngjae's house and as he paces onto his doorstep, he turns around and gazes at me, averting his eyes every now and then. I flash him a warm smile and hum, "Thank you for going out with me today. I really enjoyed it."

"All we did was study," Youngjae laughs awkwardly. I chuckle and shrug, replying, "I still enjoyed spending time with you."

"Mm, me too."

Another bout of silence washes over us and I say, "I'd like to see more of your photos. Can you send more of them to me?"

"Oh yeah, sure," Youngjae lights up, his lips quirking.

"Maybe next time... you could bring me along on one of your photography trips," I suggest quietly, lowering my gaze.

"I'd love to," Youngjae replies. I perk up and melt into a wide smile, nodding contentedly.

"So, I'll see you tomorrow at school?" I ask with a tinge of hope punctured into my voice. 

"Yeah. See you." He looks up at me and we continue standing outside his door. Deciding to be bold, I reach out and hug him, burrowing his petite frame into my chest for a moment.

Wow, he's very warm. Is it because of me? How adorable. I'm making him flustered.

I lean back and flash Youngjae a bright smile, stepping back. His eyes are wide and for a moment, I think about how good he'd look sprawled out over my sheets, back arched and whimpering for more. I picked a good target --- or more appropriately, I'm lucky fate has it that Youngjae walked right into my den.

"See you tomorrow."