CONFESSIONS OF A

SOCIOPATH

Chapter 4

Talking to people is an utter waste of time. Really, what a ing chore. Having to come up with excuses to seem actually busy and find the right timing so it isn't too abrupt and thus, I won't come off as rude.

I am now stuck here tending to my phone because Kim Taehyung still isn't over the favour he did for me. Favour, really? All I did was ask if he could help me keep Namjoon's extra baseball glove since I forgot to return it. He was sitting on the bleachers yesterday while watching the team practise, him being the reserved and all, so I decided to sit with him for a while and act nice. It wasn't such a hard task to accomplish, returning that glove, but that outcast is acting like my friend now. My mistake, honestly. I miscalculated. Sometimes, you really can't be too nice to people like this. I shouldn't have acted so grateful. My usual rule of thumb is that I might as well get on everyone's good side, even if it's someone like Kim Jinhwan.

What a ing nusiance. There's no pet peeve bigger than being obligated to reply someone's messages. But I guess it's not as bad as people trying so desperately to befriend me in person. That's difficult because I can't even curse under my breath. At least, one advantage I have is that my facial expressions always correspond to what I'm saying. Even as I type now, though I rolled my eyes a few minutes ago, as I'm typing back a wow, really? I can't stop my dumb face from acting surprised.

Yeah~~ Next time let's sit together while watching the game :DDD I'll save you a seat

Oh my ing god.

Seriously? Thanks! Can't wait for the next game :) Hey I've got to turn in now :\ gotta go to school early 

Oh ok!! For what hehe :D

Gotta meet a teacher :( I better sleep early

Yea you should!!! have a good sleep buddy :D TTYT

You too! Nights :)

ing . I better cut off contact soon. It's alright if a loser like Kim Taehyung doesn't have a good impression of me since he basically has no standing in school. Checking through my school email, it just so happens another idiot wants to bother me for tonight. It's enough that I had to get Kim Himchan and Kim Taehyung off my back—the former having been unloading his aggravating self-pity spiels about his appearance onto me. Right, that is also another one of the most horrid pet peeves I have. When people are sad and I have no choice but to sit and listen for 2 hours about their boo hoo problems.

Back to my train of thought, guess who contacted me? Yoo Youngjae. You kow, as long as he doesn't associate with Kim Jongin, I really don't care what he does. It's getting tiring having to think of more compliments to make him feel better about himself. Come on, don't deny that he's asking for attention. The fact that he won't stop sending me his mediocre photos and waiting for my reply already shows he is practically foaming at the mouth for praise.

Times like this, I get a little envious of Kim Jongin for how much of a dumb he is. He doesn't know how many people dislike him because of how he's brushed them off and not treated them as importantly as they expected themselves to be in his life. Losing all these hopefuls who cling to your leg, Kim Jongin wonders why people don't like him and think it's all about envy. It's such simple psychology. Treat someone like you're their entire universe and sooner or later, they'll start clinging to the one source that provides them so much attention and care. Reeled in like a fly to a light source. As long as they don't see the other flies on the opposite side, it'll be fine.

Jongin is such an idiot. He deludes himself into thinking because people love him, he is entitled to stomping around his feet and being headstrong in his opinions since people will always support him and worship the ground he walks on. That his words will stand no matter what because he has social standing. Kim Jongin is such a ing idiot. People like us, loved by the public, are nothing but pawns. Thrown away quickly by the public. Their perception can change of us so quickly.

Deciding to ignore Youngjae's email, I slip under the covers and shut my eyes, easing the headache out of my mind.

School is the same as always. Himchan blabbing his idiotic mouth off. Jackson joining in on the ruckus. Mark at least shuts up, though he adds his unnecessary, timely "yeah"s like it helps the conversation. Toying with my spoon, I glance around the canteen, waving to a few friends here and there.

The good news is that I've finally managed to get the ing weirdo Kim Taehyung off my back after a week. I ignore him and then apologise and act so sorry that I'm piled with so much work and commitments. At the start, he was just another selfish that still kept bugging me despite my show of pity of how busy I was, but after I started outright ignoring him and only smiling to him in the hallways, he seems to have gotten the hint. Though, he doesn't seem to hate me, judging by how eager he gets when I flash him a smile. It , though, because afterwards, he's sure to text me as if I've given him the go signal that we can talk again.

It's noisy. How annoying. If only everyone could shut their traps and stop acting as if their measly opinions matter. Just then, my eyes land upon the boy sitting a few tables away on his own. Yoo Youngjae. Right, I still haven't read his email from yesterday.

Why is he sitting alone? He's squirming around like he has ants in his pants, training his stare on his phone with his head lowered. He's basically a replica of Mark except so much worse. Well, at least he's relatively pretty to look at.

Over these two weeks, I've notice some interesting things about Youngjae. He doesn't think I notice but he loiters by his lockers when he sees me, secretly waiting for me to approach him. He can stand there for a good few minutes arranging his few books over and over again. When I eventually do walk up to him, he acts surprised but it's so damn easy to sieve out that ugly delight in his eyes. I can tell he just loves to be around me because of my social standing. After all, what better way to get attention and climb the social ladder than through Jung Daehyun, soccer player and occasional dancer? 

He's such an annoying . He thinks I don't know he's using me. He changed his tactics; he's sending me links to his instagram photos instead of just sending them directly to me. I pretty much am obliged to comment on his photos but I'm not the type to give the satisfaction so easily. Eventually, he took to tagging me in his photos a few days ago instead of emailing me. What an attention . Always with the same caption: Haha Daehyun, since you wanted to see them, I posted them up!

Though, despite the fact he's remorselessly using me to heightening his own social status, he's surprisingly averse to skinship with me. It's to everyone, I suppose, but it's something quite fun to toy with (what with everything else about Youngjae being so particularly boring). He flinches when I touch him and the other day, he had bumped into Yifan's chest and promptly shrunk back upon looking up, murmuring an apology under his breath. Yifan had talked to him about whether he could take photos for the basketball game and Youngjae almost seemed like a mouse, replying "yes" to every of Yifan's request.

One thing I've also noticed is that he seems to have as many girl friends as guy friends. His close guy friends are typical and expected from someone like him: emo kid and China national Huang Zitao and short optimist Kim Jongdae. Both better known as ing losers.

It's interesting, really. I expected Yoo Youngjae to be more nervous around girls with how vanilla he is but he seems to be just as awkward with boys as with girls. Well, I guess he has that going for him. No matter what, it's still fun to toy with him. It seems he's scared of guys who are popular or higher up there on the social ladder.

Glancing away from Youngjae, I notice then Kim Jongin even further back, him and his dumb follower Do Kyungsoo talking and pointing at Youngjae. They're not mocking him; that's for sure. From the serious looks on their face, it's obvious they plan on approaching Youngjae for whatever reason.

Standing, I flash a smile at the few around me, Himchan blinking up at me. "I need to go talk to someone. Be right back."

Winding through the tables, Jongin just happens to stand as well, eyes set on Youngjae. He strides out from his seat and I swiftly drop myself onto the bench opposite Youngjae, my peripheral view alerting me of Jongin suddenly halting in his steps. Youngjae snaps his head up and his doe eyes peer up at me.

"Oh, Daehyun," he starts, instinctively moving backwards. See, I wasn't wrong when I said he seemed somewhat averse to certain guys. He doesn't shrink back when he's with his friends, neither does he flinch when his classmates touch him—I saw Yugyeom tap his shoulder and he didn't jump back like he always does upon seeing me. He only reacts that way towards me. And Yifan, I guess. So I'm sure that shows he's afraid of guys who are of higher social status. Perhaps girls too.

I cast him a grin and cross my arms across the table, cocking my head one side. "Waiting for a friend?"

"Yeah... But he's going to be late," Youngjae sighs, eyes flickering up to meet mine. He melts into a surpsingly soft smile. He really is pretty for a guy, no matter how gross it is.

"Can I sit here till he comes, then?" I hum, leaning a little closer and repressing a cackle when Youngjae leans back more. Is he afraid he might offend me or something? I'm really intrigued as to what he's averse to. Me in particular, or just people he's not close to, or people who can possible crush his social status into oblivion?

"Sure," he returns, his lips nervously and momentarily meeting my eyes. "Where were you sitting at before this?"

I point behind me and wave to Himchan, who blinks back before churning out a wry smile. Returning my attention back to Youngjae, I melt into a light smile and tap his knuckles, suppressing back a laugh when he retracts his hand instinctively.

"I saw the photos you tagged me in on Instagram. They're really pretty." my chin, I feign curiosity and question, "Have you evertaken pictures of people?"

"Oh, yeah... But not much. I don't have any models," he explains rubbing the back of his elbow. As I part my mouth to speak, a sudden presence joins us and Jongin props himself up against the table.

"Hey, Youngjae," he says, briefly glancing to me with a wary look. Giving him a small smile, Jongin seems pleasantly surprised and he grins back, waving lightly. What a card. He really loves it when people make the first move, huh?

"Sorry to disturb you guys," Jongin hums, maintaining eye contact with me. He veers his focus back to Youngjae and says, "Hey, I kind of need to film a second take for the dance audition. Do you think you can help me again this Sunday?"

"Oh, I'm not sure. I'm a bit busy," Youngjae returns uncomfortably. Jongin juts his lower lip out and squeezes Youngjae's forearm. "I'm only free on Sunday," Jongin whines. "Please?"

"I'm not free on that day but I can try to push back my stuff," Surprisingly, Youngjae barely reacts to Jongin's touch, merely shifting slightly as compared to how he recoiled from my touch. I guess he's only averse to people who hes not as close with, which means he and Jongin are pretty damn close to one another.

"Well, tell me if you're free," Jongin says, pursing his lips and patting Youngjae's arm. He prods his face into Youngjae's personal space and mutters, "I really need your help, man. You're the only one who films that good. I'll treat you to lunch?"

"I'll see if I can make it," Youngjae answers positively, idiot biting back a grin at the compliment while Jongin nods in contentment.

"Please, man. You're the best guy I know." He looks to me and smiles slightly, winding past Youngjae with a loud "I'll call you tonight". 

Ugh, they're seriously still talking? Looks like Kim Jongin is closer to Youngjae than I thought. This is annoying. Youngjae is useless but honestly, I just don't like anyone going over to Kim Jongin's side with such a stuck-up self-important he is. 

"You're a lot closer to Jongin than I thought," I say, mustering up a smile despite the utter irritation flooding through me. I'm investing all this time into this dumb and he's still helping Jongin? What a hopeless case.

"I'm not," Youngjae says confidently without batting an eyelash. "Honestly, I'm closer to you than I am to him." He seems to regret his words for his quickly bites his lower lip and looks away, pulling back his arms with an awkward smile.

"But you're still helping him?" I sigh, worriedly gazing at Youngjae. "You should really keep time for yourself. You sound so busy."

"Oh, don't worry about that." He plays with his thumb before confessing softly, "Actually, I'm not busy on Sunday. I'm just a little tired helping Jongin and all."

"It's okay," I laugh, resting my head in my palm. "I won't tell. And I understand. You're in such high demand; people should really know you have a life of your own too."

"Yeah, I guess," Youngjae laughs, his eyes wrinkling at the corners. "What's funny is that I'm not even that good at filmography. Though, Jongin seems like he really needs help..."

"I don't think you should help him."

Youngjae lifts his head and blinks at me in surprise. , in my eagerness, I just let that slip out. I shouldn't have been so direct.

"I mean, if you're tired, you really should keep the time for yourself," I explain, pacing my fingers a little close to Youngjae's. He curls his hand immediately and returns unsurely, "It's okay. I'm not actually busy, after all."

"Still..." I drift off, concocting a concerned look over my features. Youngjae makes eye contact with me before his phone vibrates, leaving me no chance to continue my words. He picks up his phone from the table and frowns, massaging his temple.

"Ugh, Zitao ditched me..." He grumbles under his breath and looks at me, averting his gaze. "Guess I'm going home."

"You are?" I heave softly and glance to the clock. I need to convince him. No way am I letting all that effort go to waste. "How about I walk you to the gates?"

"O-Oh, it's okay," Youngjae laughs anxiously, blinking at me in shock. Beaming, I assure, "It's no problem. Come on."

I rise from my seat and help Youngjae toss his empty cup away, him murming a soft thanks as he collects his bag. Meandering with him out of the cafeteria, he periodically fidgets beside me. "I go home by the back gate. It's kind of far. You really don't have to walk me there."

"It's not that far," I chuckle. He nods and removes his camera from his shoulder, fiddling with it before saying, "Would you like to see some photos? I just took them today."

"Sure." I take the camera from him and smother back my sigh, thumbing through the photographs. Mediocre, mediocre, mediocre. I couldn't care less. I just need to convince Youngjae not to go on Sunday but that's so far from today. He can change his mind anytime.

"You know, you're really nice, Youngjae," I start, flicking through his photos. "Helping Jongin so much and getting nothing in return."

"He promised to treat me to lunch, though," Youngjae chuckles, interlocking his hands behind his back. Just as I part my lips to say more, I stop short at the photo splayed out before me. This... is Wu Yifan. Famed senior, fellow basketball player and boyfriend of alumni Zhang Liyin. Scrolling through more photos with a frown, I realise that these photos are clearly taken without Yifan's knowledge.

Wow. So this vanilla kid is such a creep. Is he gay?

Youngjae leans over at this moment and he hastily snatches the camera out of my arms, blinking up at me with parted lips. I simper back at him and say, "Yifan's photogenic, huh? You should ask him to be your model."

"Y-Yeah, he is," Youngjae breathes, still at a loss for words. I send him an assuring smile and he seems to ease up a little, though still clearly shocked that I'd seen his creepy photos.

"Don't worry, Youngjae. My cousin used to draw random schoolmates to practise his drawing. Nothing weird about it," I comfort, smiling broader. He stares up at me and his shoulders eventually slouch, him nodding in thought.

"Yifan's handsome," he says softly. "He fits photos well."

"What about Jongin?" I ask cheekily. Youngjae muffles back a small smile and divulges, "Honestly, he isn't really handsome. I mean, not photogenic."

Halting in our stride in the empty hallway, I gaze down at Youngjae as he confusedly looks up at me. Could it be? The thought of it is so hilarious I almost want to cackle. Is Yoo Youngjae gay? It would explain the way he reacted around Yifan that day. And the fact that he says he's closer to me yet he lets Jongin touch him while he recoils from me...

I can't believe this. Is Yoo Youngjae seriously gay?

"Then..." I bend down to level our eye contact as Youngjae immediately backs away. Leaning closer and almost cornering him into the pillar, my lips curl lightly and I hum mischievously, "What about me?"

Youngjae rapidly flutters his lashes and I glance down to find his fingers curled. His adam's apple bobs up and down as he churns out a lopsided smile, anxiety practically radiating off him. He's nervous around me but not around Jongin, despite that tard having intruded his personal space just now.

He's attracted to me. So that's why he's so nervous. It's hilarious, dear god. He was talking behind my back and when we first talked, it was so obvious he didn't like me. But once I acted nice, he let down his guard and now, he's attracted to me.

This is hilarious. Yoo Youngjae is gay. It's both hilarious and a bit cute, in a sick way. Sick, as in, the things I'd be able to do to him. I'm not that bad to expose him but to know there's a guy who probably likes me in that way... 

This sounds fun.

"Y-You're handsome too," Youngjae laughs, trying to play it off with a crooked smile. Now that I think about it, he is really, really pretty. I've had two girlfriends over the past two years but how fun will it to play with a boy? Though, I need to know if he's really into guys or if he's just nervous around me and Yifan for different reasons.

"And you're pretty," I breathe, melting into a soft smile as he widens his eyes. I feel like a hawk watching a small little mouse squirming before me. This is unbelievably fun.

"Can I tell you something?" I hum, not waiting for an answer. "Honestly, I don't want you to go on Sunday because I wanted to ask if you'd like to study with me."

"Me?" Youngjae softly says. So, very fun.

"Mm. So, what do you say?" I lean slightly closer, Youngjae hitting the wall as red steadily climbs up his neck. He is pretty. The adrenaline pumps through my veins as I think about the prospect. Life has been terribly boring these few days. I've never had the privilege of playing with a pretty, shy boy like him. The idea just sends a thrill down my skin.

"Oh, okay," his voice shrivels into a whisper as he glances down, unable to meet my eyes. I gently tilt his chin up as he jolts, looking into my eyes.

"You're very pretty, Youngjae," I hum, maintaing eye contact with him till I deem he's flustered enough. He's gay, for sure. So that's why he's been so jittery around me. He finds me handsome, just like his guilty pleasure Wu Yifan, an attached, straight male.

Letting go of his chin, I beam sweetly at him. "It's a date, then."