CONFESSIONS OF A

SOCIOPATH

Chapter 3

Maybe I was wrong about there being absolutely nothing between Youngjae and I. Before I learnt of what he thought of me, I simply did not notice him. But after Myungsoo divulged that Youngjae accused me of being fake, it seemed like that sparked our first bitter connection between us. Yoo Youngjae, class 2D, whose grossly obvious stomach fat disappeared but his chubby cheeks still remained. I thought about how to get back at him, in all honesty. I'd love to say I was completely indifferent to someone as little of a threat as him but to be truthful, it seemed like my mind just drew a target board on him, though he was utterly insignificant.

Now, I'm not the kind of person who does what Byun Baekhyun does. He plays victim and gathers friends to gain control. When he doesn't like someone, he uses his mob of friends and that dirty mouth of his to spread gossip and get the person ostracised, no matter how high or low they are on the school's social ladder. It's pretty much the most pathetic and self-destructive way to destroy someone and only something I use as a last resort. After all, what's the point of getting your own reputation smeared for someone who's absolute trash?

Byun Baekhyun is clumsy and utterly disgusting with his perpetual victim guise. He breaks easy—without validation to his accusations, he starts to show slowly the bitter filth wrapped in that fake smile people have long picked at. You may think that Baekhyun may be the type to feel insecure if no one agrees with his thinking. That's not true. He doesn't doubt himself; Byun Baekhyun knows he is always right, even when he is wrong. In that sense, that garbage of a person is disgustingly just like me—the difference is that I know I'm wrong, but I want my way, while Baekhyun insists to the depths of hell that his way of thinking will always be right. Baekhyun believes that quantity is the only way to power. His method is to gain as many friends of a certain social standing, what is valued in society, basically, and it's pretty much his only way of manipulation.

Byun Baekhyun really isn't that smart, is he? Acting nice and pandering to people, showering them with compliments and then later, when he's finally won them over, he moves on to the next target because he's already got another idiot in his arsenal. Sure, organising a full-out ostracisation is one of the most effective ways to ruin someone's life, but he really doesn't know how to ruin someone wholly despite wanting to so badly. He doesn't know he's sloppy at hiding how greedy and narrow-minded he is when there are tons of other better ways to win people over. Even the way he acts as a victim is pathetic. He really thinks people agree with his rants just because he phrases it in such a fakely sweet way. I'm sorry but you're not thinking at all. You are disgustingly biased and you should think over everything you just said before saying another word to me because it's, I don't mean to be rude, utter bull. Really? Does he really think a safety net can protect him all the time? When his opinionated, ugly spiels start to pile up, people are going to notice he's not sorry at all. He's not nice, but he's only saying it so people won't be put off. What comes after his little safety net is all his extreme, headstrong opinions that show just how ugly he really is on the inside.

Pathetic.

Back to Yoo Youngjae, he never posed much of a threat so I let him slip by. The only thing substantially damaging I did was criticise his photos. Even then, it was not much. My gossipy juniors Sana and Tzuyu had asked me to look through Youngjae's photo album before. They didn't tell me who the photographer was and only asked if I thought the photos look professional. They look like they're by a professional photographer, right? I knew it was Youngjae's since I'd already seen it going around so I frowned and said it wasn't impressive. Pointing out a few flaws here and there and tossing out some random photography terms here and there, I'd apologised afterwards and said it would look nicer if they used other photos for their art portfolio. They'd of course been taken aback and I had acted as if I simply assumed they came up to me to ask for help. When they said it was Yoo Youngjae's photos and proceeded to tell me about the boy next door, I wore my sorry look and hastily tried to take back my comments. 

No, no! You're right. It's not that good, now that I think about it. Right, Tzuyu?

Besides that, I've done a few things to mess with Youngjae. Every once in a while, I would send him a small smile and watch him whip his head around in surprise to find nobody behind him, and I would turn around without waiting for him to look back. See, why would Jung Daehyun pay attention to him when they weren't friends? It doesn't do much but it does make him think every now and then. It makes him wonder if I'm trying to spite him, if I know he's been talking behind my back. It may even make him eat back his words and feel bad for denouncing me.

It's only now that he seems a bit more significant. After all, he's closer to Kim Jongin than I thought. Jongin is basically untouchable because of his social standing in school but that doesn't mean I'll let him win over everyone. Especially not a pawn as easy as Yoo Youngjae. I'm not particularly fond of collecting junk but spare parts now and then wouldn't hurt.

After the instagram crap from yesterday, I brought Youngjae up while talking to the rest of the clique today. I mentioned Youngjae and Jackson instantly rambled off that Youngjae helped take a high definition video of Jongin dancing a few days ago so they're a bit more chummy than usual. But obviously, not good friends. Anyway, Yoo Youngjae seemed even more annoying after that. Really, he helps out a kid who's too pampered by his social status and lashes out at me for being a fake when we've never met? I guess his life must be really bland that he just wants to start drama.

After a long day of lessons, I sling my bag over my shoulder and stroll out the classroom after bidding a few goodbyes. As I near my locker, I spot Jongin and Youngjae in the corner not too far away, talking rather pleasantly.

Irritating. Both are so irritating. It'd be great if I could get rid of both of them. 

Placing in my books into the locker, I shut my locker and glance over once more. Jongin's back is turned but Youngjae is facing me. Youngjae would likely have seen me. On cue, Youngjae peers at me and I watch him melt into a smile. He brings up his hand to wave but I promptly spin on my feet. Annoying. Both should really just wipe themselves off the face of the earth.

Settling down at the library with Jaebum, I skim through my textbooks for about an hour before the mild regret takes over me. Not regret with the remorse, but regret in the sense where I could have benefited better if I'd not so obviously ignored Youngjae. I'd given in to my emotions.  As much as I want him to feel a little like (too bad he won't know why—that he's nothing but a pathetic tryhard and even more so that he hangs out with Kim Jongin), it doesn't do me much good in the grand scheme of things.

This . Too bad, I'm not close enough with him to make it hurt. See, this is where Byun Baekhyun goes wrong. He invests time into acting nice with the people he thinks are of his social standing but if people like Kim Jongin happens to be in it, it doesn't matter because people like Kim Jongin will never go oh, I support you, Baekhyun for every ty opinion Baekhyun has. Kim Jongin is an opinionated, stubborn dumb who will say whenever he wants to. 

You don't make friends with people just for support. You make friends with the people you don't like so you can make them feel even more like with the power you have over them. What's that power called, hmm? You did this so you should feel bad, that sort of power. It's what Baekhyun does too, really. Just that he does it so obviously with his many friends ganging up on one person, making the target feel frustrated and letting those few who aren't imbeciles know Baekhyun's nothing but a control freak who hates anybody who disagrees with his personal opinions. See, when you have a big quantity, it just makes you look like an oppressor. The feeling is exhilirating to have everyone else start to hate the person you hate, this I have to admit. But what preserves your own reputation and keeps it safe isa different story. You know what's better than evoking anger? Sadness. Misery. Tears. When you become close with and suddenly pull yourself from these people who do something you don't like, they are left confused, lost and hurt.

Oppressing someone with quantity isn't going to make that someone give in to you completely and it may even backfire with rebellious, headstrong people. But manipulating someone with despondency and therefore, evoking their inclination to please without question, is a much more foolproof method.

"I'm going for a breather," I whisper to Jaebum, slipping out the library. Taking a walk around the school to clear my mind, I come up with a way to salvage the situation. It's not too important, really, to win Yoo Youngjae over. It just pisses me off that Kim Jongin has him. 

After a few rounds around the school, hoping to meet Youngjae, my attempts prove futile. I decide to drop by my lockers to check the books I have and slam the locker door shut, pacing away with my canned coffee. It's then that I happen to notice Jungyeon coming down the stairs from the middle stairwell, back turned as she paces further away on the ground floor. Some other students from 3C file out and I curiously settle down on a nearby bench, waving and speaking to a few friends that pass. Even as most of the students stream out, I see no sign of Youngjae. What luck.

Wait, there he is. A contented smile drips from my lips as I watch Youngjae fiddle with his camera, not watching where he's going. Nice timing.

I rise from my seat and call out a "hey" when Youngjae passes by, too focused on his camera to notice me sitting there. He jolts and I let out a laugh, smiling down at him. He's quite short and really thin, now that I pay close attention.

"Hi, Youngjae," I repeat with a chuckle. Youngjae blinks up at me with doe eyes, trace of confusion in his pupils.

"O-Oh, hi, Daehyun." He churns out another crickety smile and I suppress the inclination to roll my eyes.

"Thanks for sending me your photos yesterday. They were really beautiful." I sheepishly run a hand through my hair and remark, "It's amazing how you can take such great photos. I can't even Snapchat without my photos getting all blurred from me shaking the camera."

Youngjae bites back a soft laugh and mentions in a hesitant tone, clearly a little frightened to be talking to me face to face like the last time, "You get used to holding the camera. It just takes practice."

"Really? I've got to practise lots then." I crane my neck slightly and hum, "You're taking photos around school?"

"Oh, no. I'm just checking what's on this memory card." He awkwardly points to the compartment and I hum, intently staring at the screen.

"Wow, they're so pretty... You're really skiled." I send him a smile as Youngjae bashfully glances back to his camera, mumbling shyly, "It's nothing. Lots of people can do this."

"Well, lots of people can't. You're talented, don't deny it," I insist, slurping at my coffee can. We fall into a short silence as Youngjae's soft protests fade out, him nervously clicking through his boring photos.

"Just now, it was you by the lockers during lunch, right?" I ask, lips curling. Youngjae flutters his lashes and nods, "Yeah. I saw you, actually."

"You did? I didn't know. So it was you," I chuckle. "I wanted to go up and talk to you but......." My voice instinctively drifts away as I churn out a smile, waving my words away to drop the topic. Youngjae blinks up at me once more but unfortunately, he doesn't bother to ask which makes things more troublesome.

"I... didn't know you were friends with Jongin," I hum, sprinkling a tad bit of uncertainty into my words.

"We're not that close. But why?" Youngjae questions. I rub the back of my neck and simper embarrassedly. I'd usually say it's nothing as bait but from what it seems, Youngjae is a ing terrible person to hold a conversation with.

"Ah, it's nothing big. I just... wanted to approach you but I didn't want to bother you, seeing you were with Jongin," I end off, rubbing my elbow with a feigned awkwardness. "He does't seem to like me all that much."

"He doesn't?" Youngjae lowers his camera and peers up at me. I hastily wave, assuring him with a smile. "It's okay. I mean, I'm probably just thinking things."

"I've aways thought you two were friends," Youngjae questions, genuine surprise lacing his words. I shake my head and continue quietly, "I've been hoping for that to happen since he seems like a really nice guy, but it's understandable. He's not the first person who doesn't like me." Smiling with a drawn jubilance, I sigh, "I mean, a lot of people don't like me."

Rubbing the back of my neck and training my gaze on the floor, I chuckle unsurely and say, "Sorry. Am I making you awkward?"

"No," Youngjae hurriedly cuts in, still peering up at me with large eyes. His voice heightens to a more confident pitch. "Why would people hate you? You're so nice. They're being immature if they don't like you for no reason."

What a ing hypocrite.

Pity is one of the best way to someone's heart. Youngjae's already starting to open up. There's many people why others automatically don't like someone who's popular. Besides the more logical reasons that the few glimpses they've caught of them are painfully annoying, people just like to scrunitise whoever's in the limelight. A chatterbox of normal social standing vs a queen bee who's a chatterbox both give two different feels—one's okay, the other is irritating as and such an attention seeker. It's a privilege system. If you're privileged, it's only fair people get to criticise you since you're at a superior position. When people are intimidated by others, they have the natural inclination to either villify them or bring them down to a lower level in their minds by putting them down. Envy. Insecurity. People who are revered by others are automatically equivalent to "perfect" status which makes them so untouchable and makes the commoners feel so small.

I'm not lying, though. There's a high chance Jongin doesn't like me all that much. He expects people like me to approach him first since he's at the top of the school, the original who shot up to fame while I built my way up. Besides, with his lackies hanging around so much, he has no benefit in coming to me first. In fact, a guy like him loses the satisfaction because it's clear the school has pitted us both as rivals—me being the newcomer who's threatening to topple his position.

Biting my lip, I breathe with a small, dim smile, "It's okay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said all that. It suddenly came out." Massaging my shoulder, I cast Youngjae an incandescent grin and state, "Thanks, Youngjae. It's... nice that you think differently of me."

"Oh- I, sure. I'm not being nice. You're seriously friendly," Youngjae clears his throat, folding his lips and avoiding my gaze. Idiot. I can practically sense the guilt reeking from him. Maybe you should think before you yap your trap, you ing tool.

"I'm not close to Jongin," Youngjae mentions, squeezing his wrist. "I just helped him film something. Besides that, we don't talk much about other stuff."

"That's kind of you," I compliment, sipping at my coffee. "Are you guys going to film something again?"

"Maybe," Youngjae breathes softly. "But I want to concentrate on my projects so maybe not."

"Wow, that means more photos. I'd love to see more of them," I encourage. "You must be busy. Having to film for other people and juggle school work. Do you have time for yourself?"

Youngjae melts into a shy smile, his lips as his eyes veer away. "Lately, I haven't been taking photos as much." He thinks to himself for a moment before humming, "Yeah, I should make more time for myself."

"That's good. Do what you like," I chime. Well, my work's done. This is becoming a waste of time.

"Ah... if you're interested, I'll send you more pictures once I'm done with the next batch," Youngjae raises, hazelnut eyes twinkling with bashfulness and hope. 

"Yeah! I'm already excited. Thanks," I chuckle. "I feel special. You sharing your photos with me personally and all."

This is seriously getting dreary. Just as Youngjae parts his mouth, I glance down at my watch and deliberately widen my eyes. "Oh god, I totally forgot about the time. Jaebum's going to kill me." Flashing Youngjae a wide smile, I hum warmly, "It was nice talking to you, Youngjae."

"Oh, same," Youngjae blurts.

"I'll see you around?" I ask softly, tilting my head one side with a feigned sheepishness. Youngjae nods fervently and I grin broadly, patting his arm. Sliding my grasp down to his wrist and repressing a cackle when he jolts, I curiously stare at his wrist and worriedly say, "You're really thin, Youngjae. You should eat more."

"I-I'm not," Youngjae laughs anxiously, swallowing thickly as a light red dabs onto his cheeks. He slips his hand gently out of my grasp and lowers his head, curling his fingers. That's a weird reaction for a guy. I knew he was vanilla but to get shy in front of guys? Hilarious.

"Bye, Youngjae! Can't wait to see more pictures from you." I conclusively wave, jogging off while letting out a sigh of relief. Could a person get anymore boring?