At first it was like a dream.  So vivid yet faraway.  The glowing trees, the blissful chant of choirs, the fallen silvery snow from the sky above, and then I saw your face.

How many suns had I searched for your soul?

How many moons had I been soulless without you?

          Dreams, thousands times repeated, eventually those dreams turned into reality.  I found you under the Christmas tree, blushing as red as a cherry blossom, I knew it was you and your soul that I had been looking for.  You did not remember in sequence – the things I did to get to know you.  Before others, I was shining brilliantly, but before you, I lost my mind. 

          Remember the ring I gave you to decorate your finger?  I gave it to you, to let you know you had always been light in my life.  Even when I went blind, I swore I would still see your brightness.

You looked at me that time, wondering whether you should accept my gift or not. 

          You took it from my hand, only to return it to me on the next second.  You shook your head, telling me that you did not deserve it.  You were not perfect to me.  That you were just a falling star, who would soon lose its light and be buried deep under the earth.  You were fading away.  You hid yourself from me.  You made yourself disappeared.  You did not even wanted me to have a glimpse of your shadow.  I looked for you in every corner of the city.  But you were gone.  My imagination raced with thoughts of what new part of the world I had to run to and who was sharing your bed.

Tell me, was your hatred toward me that enormous?

Tell me, was your wrath on me unforgettable?

          On the year I turned thirty-five, it was the year I learned that shooting stars were either blessing or a curse, depending on what you wanted to believe. 

But then I chose to have faith.  Faith would lead me to your soul.  Again.

Faith made me strong and lived for another fifteen years of suns.

Faith made me convinced every single breath I blew was meant for you, and you only.

          Then there was that year I found you again.  There was that year I proved to you, I was still in love with you.  On the night before Christmas, I watched you walking late at night through the city streets with your heart in pieces, wanting to give yourself to the first stranger who called you beautiful. 

Look at me. 

I was here.  I was here, all along. 

Where had you been, my sun, my moon and the star of my life?

Had you never felt how lonely my soul was without your presence?

Please.  Took a pity on me, I begged.

Please.  Took the path with me, I plead.

          Fifteen years I had waited for him. I could not wait for another fifteen.  I did not want to go backwards to those painful memories, when dreams were the only reason I lived.  We fought that night.  He told me that I knew nothing about him.  He told me that I knew nothing about his life.  If I knew, he would never fall in love with me. 

For he bared so many sins inside his chest.  For he kept so many sinful threads that he had to carry.

          I told him, I did not care about his past.  His present and future that all that I wanted.  I pulled his wrist.  I let our waist become one.  I kissed him.  I showed him I was true to my words.  Nothing felt like mine anymore, not after you.  All those little things that defined me, they all felt like you.  If you cried, I cried.  If you were broken into pieces, then I would pick every piece and replaced it with mine.  If you laughed, let me be the reason you laughed.  I would be here until you realized no matter how many times you erased me from your mind, you would still recognized my image as it flashed in your heart.

In the end, you surrendered. 

          That night when we curled next to each other, you confessed the deepest secret you had.  The reason you made yourself disappeared from the world for fifteen years.  A secret, you said that could make me never hold him or kiss him again.

I wondered what went through your mind.

You were my sun, my moon and the star of my life.

I was your day and night.  I needed you. 

          You broke free from my embrace, only to show me a golden ring.  You told me, it was once belonged to you.  You told me, it was once bound you with someone else. 

You were someone else’s. 

You were someone else’s song.

You were someone else’s words.

You were someone else’s broken heart.

          You had a child.  You had a son.  It was not your choice, but it was yours to bear.  You was aching for him.  A son who hated you so much that he did not willing to see your face and the face of the world.  A son who suffered a disease that caged him in his own world and constrained him to get out of his own room.  A son who was afraid of living or life itself.  And you would never leave him for any reason.  If I was about to love you, I had to accept your flaw – a flaw grew from your past sin.

I kissed him.  I would.  I swore.

My days began with my sun, my moon and the star of my life.

However.

I started to see the other side of your life.

Your son’s.

           I never met him since the very day I moved into your house.  He would lock himself all day in his room.  He did not want to go out to eat.  You were loving and patient.  You brought him food every day.  You placed his food before his door, and never had I heard he thanked you.  You talked to him in front of his door, and never had I heard he answered you.  I tried to talk to him too.  Telling him that I was in love with his father.  Telling him that I would spend the rest of my life with him.  Telling him to give us his blessings.

Yet he never answered.

           Day by day.  You ached more for him.  You loved him – in a way you walked a tightrope.  You loved him – in the way people learned to fall asleep in a war zone.  You were bleeding for him until when?  You were bleeding for him every day after that.  Eventually the hurt in your heart was unbearable.  You were blaming yourself for his sickness.  You were begging him in tears to go out of his room and see you.  You were breaking.  Time and again, you were telling me that it was because of you, he locked himself up in that damn room.  It was because of you, your son chose to live in hell. 

Suddenly he called.  Your son painted your name in sound.

           He called your name.  He called your name from behind the door.  You were thrilled.  You told me, it was the first time he called you.  Father.  You begged him to get out and have a life with us.  You wanted to give him the happiness you owed him. 

He said, yes.  He agreed, he would get out. 

On one condition.

You would not marry me.

You would not have me in your life.

          I was bitter.  You cried and cried.  You sobbed and sobbed. 

You asked why, but you did not get an answer.  And that was when the real came.

           It was his eightieth year, when he got really sick, hallucinating every possible way of dying.  It was the year when he learned that shooting stars were either a blessing or a curse, depending on what you wanted to believe.  And he believed his life was hell.

           I was mad.  He might believe his life was hell, but he was not allowed to turn my love’s life a hell as well.  He might believe his life was a fight he could never win against, but he was not allowed to turn my love’s life a lost battle.  He was driving me crazy.  The moment he asked me to get out of your life, the moment I let my wrath out.  I broke in.  I did not care I have to shatter the door, only to find his eyes passed over me.  He was surprised.  He was shocked.  He was on his feet, trying to escape from my grasp.  I caught him.  He struggled to break free.  A spilled drink, a stumble through the chair – his hand reaching to the curtain to hide himself.  But I would not let him.  I pulled him and dragged him out. 

My sun, my moon and the star of my life was screaming.  Begging me to give him mercy. 

         But my wrath blinded me.  My anger deafened me.  I dragged him outside.  I pushed him onto the ground.  My love was crying.  He was sobbing.  But I had to do it.  A whole new world would have opened up to swallow him, no matter he liked it or not.  I pushed him into my car and locked him inside.  I drove away.  Only the two of us.  I took him to a beach.

I towed him out and threw him on the sands.

Let him feel the warmth of the sun.  Let him feel the cold of the sea.

          No matter how many times he tried to turn away, I would catch him and bring him down onto his knees.  No matter how many times he begged to be released, I would tightened my grasp and let him feel the pain.  I slapped him, trying to make him see the reality.

           He might lock himself inside his world forever, but he was not allowed to lock my love away from me.  I hit him again and again.  He did not hit me in return.  He just cried and cried.  He cried with a violent yearning.  Then eventually he stopped.  He was breathless.  I was breathless.  Like a storm.  Ferociously changed the skyline, but in minutes settled over.

After the collision, I looked at him. 

I would never let go of your father, I said. 

I would love him until the day I died, I said.  I swore. 

I would never change. 

Please, let me love him.  I knelt before him.  Please.

Then he looked at me.  That was the first time he smiled at me. 

After the damage and deluge, I hoped he could see things so much clearer.

We went back in peace.  He changed.  He gave his blessing to us.  He started living his life.

My sun, my moon and the star of my life was contented. 

Our life was perfect.

I thought.

           After twelve moons we lived together.  I braved myself.  I wanted to marry the love of my life in a proper ceremony.  You were surprised when I kneeled myself before you and proposed.  I told you, you would be mine forever, and nothing could take you away from me anymore.  You smiled in tears, and hugged me.  Your son watched in distance.  He was standing still, but a moment later he smiled to me and congratulated me.

           I planned our wedding.  As grand as possible.  On Christmas day.  The day I met you.  Flowers came from different parts of the world.  Celebrating our new life as one.  I was proud when I read our names written on the wedding card.

Eric Mun & Shin Hye Sung.

Written in the best writing ever.  Finally we would live happily ever after. 

           I was waiting nervously in the quiet chapel.  Memorizing the vow I was going to say and bind us in eternity.  Your son came in.  I watched him opened the door and closed it.  He was dressed in white.  He brought me the ring I was going to give it to you.  

When he walked to me, I saw something in his eyes.

          Had you ever felt it?  The split second before the feeling catches the memory – before the headlong crash into recognition.  My mind was pulled to the foreground like a snapped rubber band.  I remembered the smile he drew on his face on the beach, and the world fell away.  That click I felt when my eyes met his, transporting me for one miraculous moment.

The reality hit me, when I faintly said his name.  

When I saw his reflection in my eyes.

Jun Jin.

           I was always meant for you.  My heart bared an untold story, a great untruth.  I was wrong.  How could I be so wrong? 

I could not tell my real sun, moon and the star of my life.  How could I be so wrong?

My creator.  The giver of my life.

He was one step away from me, standing in silence.

He knew.  He knew it all along.

He knew it was me all along.

He tried to stop me. 

But I did not listen. 

But I did not believe.

I only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear.

I only wanted to see what I wanted to see.

He smiled.  Tears in his eyes.

It’s okay.

He whispered to me. 

He had all his memories.  He was reborn.  He remembered.  But he did not want to find me.  He did not want me to find him.  He locked himself up in his loneliness, praying I would never uncover him. 

Because he did not want me to suffer.  Because he did not want to see me living in misery.  Because he did not want to see me living a lifetime of pain and sorrow.  Of disappointment and misfortune.

Because he had gone through so many lifetimes just to be separated from me. 

For once in this lifetime, he wanted to grant me a happily ever after life.  Even if it was not with him.

It’s okay.

He whispered to me. 

We would be reborn. 

He promised me, there was a miracle.

It happened to him.

We would be reborn,

And he would find me.

He would recognize my soul.

He would fall in love with me again.

He would.

He slipped the ring into my hand.  He kissed me. 

He whispered, he would never stop loving me. 

He turned away.  He left.

I dropped the ring.  I dropped my tears.  Onto the cold floor. 

My love left me.  No.  I left him.  My blindness made me losing him.

As winter gave way to summer, he left us.  He gave himself to another man. 

Andy, his name.  He bid farewell to me.  He was in tears.

It’s okay.

He whispered.

He would wait for me.  In another lifetime.  It was a promise. 

Have faith.  It is the only thing we take with us.  It is all we carry from one life to the next.

***

Author's Note:

Tragedy after tragedy.  I know.  I guess I'm going to end this fic in six chapters only.  Hopefully you'll enjoy this chapter too.  Please leave me some comments.  I would greatly appreciate it.  Big hug!  [back to the corner and cry - at least I don't kill anyone in this chapter]