Chapter 6:  Sacrifice

          I was tired.  Tired looking for you.  I spent so many days yearning for your name.  I spent so many nights painting your name in my prayers.  I spent so many suns and moons wondering whether you were waiting for me.  Like you promised.  Like we promised.  I got tired.  Tired of waiting for you.

I gave up.  I wanted to forget.  I needed to not remember. 

I would sacrifice anything to remember.

I would sacrifice anything to forget.

          In the end, I was asking myself, whether it was right to remember, to go that suffering once again in this lifetime.  Whether I would survive another battle.  Whether I would survive another pain of losing you. 

In the end, I really wanted to forget. 

          But again, life played a game with me.  In the midst of my struggle to forget you, you came. 

          You met.  I met.  We met.  I was on my way home, when I saw a single coin rolling, passing my shoe.  Life made it stop right under my toe.  I picked.  You picked.  Our fingers touched.  Our souls touched.

I knew it was you.  You stood there.  I stood here. 

I was hesitated.  Should I go through that same path again with you?  For love’s sake.

          But then I surrendered.  It was your eyes made me fall in love.  You needed no word to make me love you.  In the loneliness, your eyes spoke more than words could say.  I took your hand and placed it into mine.  I asked your vow.  I would gave you mine.  That whatever happened, you stayed with me.  We faced the world together.  We fought together.  Till death apart us.

I – Eric Mun – would make our dream come true. 

You would be my home when I woke up from my dream.

          I was an actor.  I played in many movie, and I was successful.  Though I played many roles, though I wore many masks, yet before you, I was plain.  You read me well.  You knew when I was content and when I was in sadness.  You knew when I needed a hug and when I needed aloneness.  You could tell when I put on my honesty and when I put on my mask.  You knew me inside and out.

And I thought I knew you. 

          Came that day, that person found you.  In the name of fate, he came to your life.  In the name of love, he came to your life. That man promised you a better love, a better fate, a better destiny and a better end.

And I thought I knew you. 

I believed in you.  In our love, our fate, our destiny and our end.

You would not listen to him.  You would stay.  You were my home.

That man thought of every possible way to win over your heart.  And mind. 

Hundreds times of repetition, his words turned to be poison. 

He poisoned your heart.  And mind. 

Every day I saw you crying.  Every hour I saw you tearing.  Every minute I saw you further. 

And I thought I knew you. 

I caught you going out with him.  He was smiling at you.  And in my fear, I saw you kissing him. 

And I thought I knew you. 

At least, it was not me who loved you and hurt you.

At least, it was not me who made the promise and denied it.

          I was mad.  I came down from my car.  I ran to you.  And him.  I slapped you and pushed you away.  You fell on the floor.  Like in the movies I played, but the heartbroken was real.  The pain was real.  You were sobbing. 

I was wrong.  Again I was wrong.

I could not tell my real sun, moon and the star of my life.

My sun would not betray his day.  My moon would not betray his night. 

And the star of my life would never leave its constellation.

I was marrying the wrong person. 

And I thought I knew you.

I divorced him.  I swore I would never see him again.  I would not let his reflection be in my eyes. I shut my life chapter with him. 

I search for my real sun, moon and the star of my life.  Again.

To heal me.  To mend my broken soul.

I searched for him again. 

After so many lifetimes, fate had a mercy on me.  I found him.  This time for real.

My real father.  My creator.  The giver of my life.

          We met in a grand party.  The music was singing.  He was dancing.  As graceful as a swan.  I knew it was him all along.  He smiled at me.  Finally.  I did not make a mistake.  I knew that smile.  I knew those eyes.

I remembered.

He was reborn.

Like we promised.

          I took your hands.  Your eyes on me.  We danced the night away.  I finally had the privilege to know your name.  I finally had the right to know your life.  That very night, you recognized me.

I knew you, you said.  From the reflection of myself in your eyes.

I knew you, you said.  From the gentle caress of your skin.

          I smiled.  Indeed.  Finally I could rest myself in your embrace.  I could rest myself beside you on the bed we shared.  We were perfect.  Life was perfect.  We lived happily ever after. 

But destiny chose another path for us.

          I got an offer to play on theatre lively.  I was thrilled.  This was the best in my career.  I told you that after so many miserable events in my life, I finally reached what I was dreaming of.  I kissed him.  That starry night, he sat in the front seat before my stage.  I would show him the very best of me.  I would let the world know I did it all for him and him only.  I would take him to my world and make him proud of me.  Flashes of light like stars collided each other. 

Then in a glance, it happened.

          The spotlight that was meant to shine on me, fell.  The crowd gasped.  You were screaming.  The hell literally fell on me.  The heavy lamp hung right above me fell and turned the whole world dark.  My world.  Since that accident, I was blind.  I lost my sight.  I lost the sight of the world, the universe, and you.

I lost the sight of my sun, my moon and the star of my life.

I lost the sight of days and nights.

          I was angry.  I was bitter.  Life played games on me.  I lost my vision, my career, and eventually life itself left me.  Days went by, under my grudge.  Nights went by, under my wrath.  My love, once took a pity on me, turned to be afraid of me. 

And I thought I knew you.

After so many suns and moons, he gave up.  He could stand my crying, my hatred and my resentment.  He left me.  He left me without any farewell. 

Sun Ho.  I cried his name in my darkness. 

Sun Ho.  I begged for his presence.  Please.  Forgive me.

I gave up.  I wanted to forget.  I needed to not remember. 

I would sacrifice anything to remember.

I would sacrifice anything to forget.

          That day – or night – I lost count, I heard the door crack.  You came back.  Sun Ho.  My sun, my moon and the star of my life came back.  You led me and seated me on the side of my bed.  You told me that you were willing to return to me.  On one condition – you did NOT want to speak to me, and I was not allowed to touch him.

I was confused.  Why?

Because you were still mad at me, you told.

Because it was my punishment, you told.

          You would only talk to me when you forgave me later.  I agreed.  I knew it was a punishment.  I was blind.  Now he wanted me to feel what it was like – not being able to see, hear and touch the love of my life.

One month – then I would hear you again.  You would let me listen to your voice again.  I agreed.  One month I would live in quietness. 

          One month – I lived in peace.  But in that loneliness, I could feel my love grow stronger.  In that loneliness, I loved you more.  You were loving to me.  You helped me stand on my feet and walk.  You made me touch the beauty of the flowers, feel the sparkles of the drizzling raindrops, hear the flashes of thunders, smell the clear morning dews, and even imagine the colour of a single thread drop on my hair.  You cooked for me, fed me with spoonfuls of my favourite food, and helped me drink from my cup. 

You taught me to appreciate the little things in life.

          One month – I fought myself not to touch the surface of his skin or hug him.  But that night, I could not stand it anymore.  I was lonely and cold.  A stumble of chairs, a crack of glass, I pushed my way to catch him.  I grasped him.  To my surprise, he cried.  He sobbed.  I was breaking.  He did not say anything, but I knew.  He was terrified.  Somehow, I understood, he had not yet forgiven me. 

Wait, he said.  Wait, please, he whispered.  His voice was different in his tears.

I regretted.  I apologized. 

I remembered.  I promised.  I would not lose count. 

          On one day before the thirtieth day, he brought me out.  He led me into our car, and silently drove away.  I asked him where he took me to.  But he was still muted.  Eventually, I found out.  He took me to a hospital.  He took me to see a doctor.  The doctor told me, they had found a donor.  My eyes would be healed.  I would see again. 

That day, my world started over.  Hope finally found me again.  I cried in joy.  I could feel you cry, too.

You took me home, still in muteness.  But I did not mind.  I would wait.

I remembered.  I promised.

I slept that night.  I could feel you were sleeping beside me.  I hold myself.  I did not want to touch you.  I would wait. 

Like I promised.

         That morning, I felt the happiest.  Today finally I could touch you.  Yet you said to wait a little longer.  You wanted to send me to the hospital first.  I did not oppose you.  I could not wait to go through that operation and received my sight back.  I told you, you were the first one I wanted to see when I opened my eyes.  I could feel you want it too. 

         You sent me to the hospital room.  There, you seated me on the bed.  The doctor came.  I could hear him talking.  You told him to give you some time alone.  I was nervous.  You stood nearby.  Still wordless.  Then I felt you.  You kneeled before me.  You lifted my hand and pressed it on your cheek.  I felt your face was wet.  Was it because of your tears? 

A single tear dropped onto my hand.  It was warm, yet piercing.

Then it hit me.  It was you all along. 

My Jun Jin. 

My creator.  My father.  The giver of my life.

          He came back to me when he heard what happened to me.  After I hit him and pushed him away for betraying me, he had never stopped looking at me from faraway.  He was there when my Sun Ho decided to leave me for good.  He made a deal with my Sun Ho, asking for his permission to look after me for one month.  My Sun Ho agreed.  My Jun Jin made me promised not to talk and touch him, so that I could not tell who he was actually. 

Before I could ask why, my Jun Jin stood up and kissed me. 

Good bye, he said.  Forgive me for leaving you.

Good bye, he said.  Forgive me for everything. 

Then he left.

I was mad.  What for!  What for you came back, only to leave me behind?

I was mad.  What for!  What for you apologized, only to hurt me again?

I gave up.  I wanted to forget.  I needed to not remember. 

I would sacrifice anything not to remember.

I would sacrifice anything to forget.

I just hoped I would get my sight back.  Then I would start over.  I would forget.

I promised.  I would forget.

         I spent another week in the hospital waiting for the donor ready.  I spent another month for my eyes healed and back in normal.  I had my world returned to me when the bandage around my eyes was taken off.  I peeled my eyes slowly, and slowly my vision was back.

Sun Ho was there. 

After spending so many days in the darkness, the light opened the eyes of my soul.

          I remembered.  I saw him.  I recognized his soul.  I was married to the very soul same like mine.  We were born from the same creator.  He was the stone I broke in another lifetime.  He was my son-in-law in another lifetime. 

Now he was reborn to fulfill his destiny.  To stop me from hurting my creator.

          But fate told him another life story.  Destiny might be strong, but love was stronger, he said.  He could not stop my Jun Jin from loving me.  He married me so I would never hurt my Jun Jin.  His Jun Jin. 

          Fate told him another life story.  Destiny might be strong, but love was stronger, he said.  He could not stop my Jun Jin from loving me.  He could not stop him from sacrificing himself for my happiness.

Wait.  What sacrifice?

He smiled.  Don’t you see?  He asked.  He teared. 

Finally, he said.  He saw his reflection in his Jun Jin’s eyes. 

His eyes. 

My eyes.

It hit me.  My eyes.  He gave me his eyes. 

In the past, he gave me my sight.

In the present, I took his sight.

I was tearing.  Where was he?  I wanted to see him.

I wanted to see my sun, my moon and the star of my life.

Too late.

          He was gone.  He knew he was dying.  He knew he had a brain tumor.  The day I caught him kissing, he did it on purpose.  He knew I was watching.  He hurt me so I would let him go.  So I would let him go in hatred, not in sadness.  Because it was always easier to let go someone in anger, rather than in sorrow.  So I would find his replacement and find my happiness, soon.  But he never guessed the devil found me and took away my sight.

But it’s okay.

He said.

He would be my eyes.  I would be his sight. 

Perhaps, in this way we would see the world together, until the end of time.

Perhaps, in this way we would live the life inseparable.

Sun Ho gave me a letter.  His last wish.

It’s okay.

He wrote to me. 

You would be reborn,

But he would not.

He did not want me to recognize his soul.

He did not want me to fall in love with him anymore.

Please.  Forget me, he wrote.

Find your happiness. 

Please.  Forget me, he wrote.

You deserved a better life.

You deserved to live a better fate, destiny, and love.

You would be reborn,

But he would not.

You deserved a miracle.

Let’s end this. 

Let’s end this sad tale.

THE END.

Author's Note:

I guess I end this fic here.  Like I told you, it will end in six chapters.  I thank you for following this devastating series of one-shots.  I really like this fic, and honestly I enjoy writing this fic the most.  Do I sound like a psycho?  Anyway, really big thanks for those who read and especially leave me some comments.  I'm planning to write another fic based on this piece.  It's about the origin of this Rebirth stories, how and what cause them had to live this kind of life.  But I don't know.  Will you be interested to read it?  T_T  Anyway!  Big hug as always, and feel free to comment.  [bowed]