One day, I would find you.  I would touch you and you would feel a lifetime of indifference.  But until that moment arrived, wait for me.  Wait for me.  See for me.  Breathe for me.  I would find you, even if I had to go to seven continents, seven oceans, even seven heavens and hells, I promised.  I would find you.

Love would guide me to you.  Love would give me hope to find you.  Eventually, love would bring you back to me.

           In this lifetime, I was reborn.  I knew.  Since the day I let out my first word in this world, I knew what I lived for.  I knew I had to find you.  It was because of you, I was reborn.  I gained my life.  I gained my breath.  The sooner I found you, the sooner our life would start.  As one.  Inseparable.

But how?

I asked myself, how I would find you.

Every corner of this world I had searched, I still did not see a glimpse of you.

Every moment I realized I failed finding your shadow, I died a little.

           I was like a candle.  Flickering.  Hoping you would find me in the darkness.  Hoping you would see me in the shadows.  But like a candle.  I did not know how long I could last.  I did not know long I would last.  The fire in me burned me alive, little by little.  I was scared I might not stand until the end.  I was scared I might miss you again.

           I remembered how you used to love art.  How you used art to live.  How you used your life for art.  My life was your art.  So with art, I would make my way to you.  I search in every possible place that displayed art.  I worked my living in museums, galleries, and buildings that kept art.  In hope, I would meet you.  By fate. 

I made myself tough.  I was a security guard for artistic items. 

I waited. I would.

In seconds, In minutes, In hours.

           I lost count how many years I had waited for you.  But every night I sealed my day, I still could not find you.  Time did not answer my question.  When would I see you again?  Time did not answer my question.  When would time bring your heart to me?

Then time finally arrived.

           The place I worked for, assigned me for a new post.  Possibly a new position.  I would not guard items – unliving thing anymore.  I would guard a life – as important as artistic thing, as precious as history itself.

I was sent to a castle.  The royal residence.  I would work there.  Securing the royal family. 

It was a great honour, they told me.

It was a great privilege, they told me.

I would guard the life of a young princess. 

She was sixteen.  Eleven years younger than me.

           I did not like the sound of my new job.  I knew with this job, my chance to meet my soul creator would be slimmer.  I was about to resign from my job, when my co-worker asked me for the favour.  Please stay, he said.  For one month only.  The princess would be seventeen.  She would be married to a prince.  And I would be free.  I would get my previous job back.  I sighed.  I agreed.  One month.  Not more, not less. 

          They took me to see her.  She was beyond beauty, they said.  But she had temperament, they said.  I knew.  She was eleven years under me, what did you expect from a young teenage girl?  She would trouble me, they said.  Many before who tried, she would drive them away.  By act, by words, by will. 

I repeated in my head, one month.  Not more, not less.

           She was in the room.  Her bedroom.  She was a princess.  Her room was marvelous.  She was sitting facing her windows.  I bowed.  I announced my name – Eric Mun.  I announced to her that I would be her protector.  One month only.  She turned around to see me.

Then I caught her eyes.  Her smile.

My father.  My creator.  My love.

Standing in front of me.

Standing under the rinse of the brightening sun.

He was her.  She was him.

He was reborn.  As a female.  As a princess.

My sun, my moon and the star of my life.

           Her eyes were wide and glossy.  Her lips curled into a mischievous smile.  Her cheeks in cherry blushed.  She told me that she did not like my presence.  She told me that my presence would only restrain her.  Kept her away from her freedom.  She warned me she would give me troubles.  She warned me that she did not care whether I would get tired facing her.  She warned me she would hate me for sure.  And I would hate her for sure.

And she did.

But I did not.

She hated me to the moon.

I loved her to the moon and back.

           But I could not tell her that.  She was a princess.  I was a bodyguard.  Someone so low, even to speak to her, I did not have the right to.  But it was alright.  I was used to, anyway.  In my previous life.  When I was a stone, yet my heart was not made of stone.  I listened to her muttering, her whining, her never-ending complaints.  She poured her coffee at me.  She threw me her shoes when she was upset.  She even bit me when I tried to stop her from running away.  She was full of anger.  She would use any way she knew to make me hate her.  She would use any word she could say to hurt me.  But I did not mind.  My love would stay the same.  Her soul was imprisoned.  Her happiness was bound.  I understood.  I would be here.  Under the shadow.  Under her shadow.  Watching over her.

           That night I looked for her.  I was afraid she was trying to run away again from me.  From the castle.  She did it once, she would do it again.  I was panic.  It had been an hour I could not find her anywhere.  I was afraid. 

My sun, my moon, the star of my life, where did you disappear?

           I found her that night.  Under the darkness.  Alone in her emptiness, holding a piece of letter in her hands.  She was weeping on that letter.  She was tearing and her tears like a single drip of diamond glittering as it made a way down on that purple piece of letter.  I came to her slowly.  Silently.  I was a bodyguard.  I had no title to address her name.  I had no right to call her serene name.  I stood there.  Behind her.  Watching her shoulders shuddering.  

           What was it that cause you grief?  Tell me all.  I would listen.  Just like the first time we met in our previous life.  I would listen.  Each and every word.  Every line of sentence.  Every punctuation and marks.  I would take all in my mind.  And heart.  Just tell me.  

I was one step closer behind her.  One step closer.

           She finally turned around to me.  She turned her delicate face to me.  She was broken.  I was broken.  Even under the moonlight, I could sight the fragile soul inside her.  My creator.  

She asked me, why I never changed.

She asked me, why I never hated her.

She asked me, why. 

           I did not answer her.  I was just a bodyguard.  A knight.  I was not allowed to say a word to her majesty.  My majesty.  But I looked to her.  Hoping she look into my soul.  Hoping she would know it was me all along. 

She asked me, what she should do to make me go away from her.

She asked me, what she should do to make me hate her.

To make me disappear from her.  Leave her.  For good.

           She dimmed her eyes.  She turned and gazed at the stars out there.  She showed me the paper.  It was a love letter, she said.  From a prince, far, far away.  She was sixteen, turning seventeen.  When she blew the candles of seventeen, she would have to marry him.  

I felt my world stop.

I felt my world reversing.

I should have known this.

She was a princess.  I was a knight.  We were from two worlds apart.  

We were banned to love.  We were banned to unite in love.  

Wasn't it funny?  Love took me to her.  Yet love was a forbidden thing for me to give to her.  

She gazed back at me.  How could someone love a person like me?  

Rude, stubborn, full of hatred and thirst of freedom.  She was back to sobbing.

Then I braved myself.  I took a step closer.  I whispered.  It was all because of love.  

She had that question in her look.  She did not understand a word I had said.

Because of love, unspoken love, made her, my princess, concealed what was truly hers. 

Because of love, unspoken love, she had longed for a shield to make people hate her.  

Because of love, unspoken love, she was afraid to feel, to love and to be loved.

But I did not know why she would do that.  Why she did not want to love or to be loved?

Do you have anyone you love?  She asked.

           I did.  I said.  I had this wonderful person who gave a life to me.  Literally.  Whose smile was brighter than the sun itself.  Whose words were gentler that the morning dew.  I told her, he was my inspiration, and I would go through hurricanes, flame and thousands years just to be with him. 

How fortunate, she said.  She wished she could be someone like that herself.

I wished I could tell her, it was her all along.  Her soul.

Her soul, who gave me my life.  Her soul, who saved my life.

I wished I could tell her, it was her all along.  Her soul was my life.

Then it happened.  Love conquered me.

I reached for her hands, caressing hers gently.  I kissed her hands, my lips warmed her cold skin. 

I told her, not to be afraid.  I would be here.  I would be your shadow.  I would protect you. 

           Deep in my heart, I was bleeding, saying the words.  Half truth, half lie.  She was a princess.  I was a knight.  Love would be impossible.  But it was okay.  As long as I could stand here watching her dwelling in her happiness, my lifetime was completed.  As long as she could live her tale happily ever after, then my life was worth it all. 

I told her, not to be afraid.  I would die for her.  And I meant it.

My princess was changed.  Starting that night.

           She turned softer.  Soft as the blooming peony in spring.  She did not cause me trouble anymore.  She did not yell at me.  She did not pour her coffee to me.  She did not throw her shoes at me.  She did not speak harshly to me.  She showed some attention to me.

She smiled.

For me, it was more than enough.

           Then time came.  Unforgettable memory.  She pulled me secretly.  She made me run after her.  She was holding onto my arm.  She did not slow her pace.  She took us deep into the unknown part of the palace garden.  We ran across the trees, the leaves, the branches, and the tall grass.  It was like we were pirates hunting for treasures.  We stopped at an open meadow.  Where wind blew her long black hair.  Where wind played with her silk skirt.  She smiled at me.  Here we were.  A secret place where she used to hide.  To hide from the world, she hated the most.  Where she could fly as butterflies.  Free as the nightingales.    

She sat on the thick green.  I sat beside her.  She leaned her hair against my arm.  She whispered, thank you. 

For understanding her,

For bearing the pain she gave me,

For having her reflection in my eyes.

We fell in silence.  Little that she knew, I was bleeding inside. 

For understanding the unviable future ahead,

For bearing the sin,

For having her reflection in my eyes.

           I felt my sleeve wet.  I turned to her.  She was in tears.  I was panic.  I did not bring anything with me that I could use to dry her tears.  I had only my bare hands.  So, I wiped those tears away.  She held my hand.  She cried in mine.  Her tears were flowing through my fingers.  She whispered.  What if the prince who she would be married to dislike her?  What if the prince did not love her?  Would she be a disappointment?

           I told her, it was impossible.  Not in a million years.  Because I would.  I gasped.  I let that damn words out of my mouth.  She looked at me, surprised.  I stood up.  The sun almost set.  We needed to return, before the whole palace went looking for us.  She was muted.  But she did what I ordered.  We were quiet.  On our way home.  We were steps apart.  I walked behind her.  I watched her shadow befalling every step she took.  I wished I was that shadow.  So I could walk wherever she went.  So we would never be separable. 

           The day the prince came.  He was wonderful.  Amiable.  Someone with wide warm smiles.  He bowed politely to my princess.  And my princess greeted him the way he did.  They exchanged smiles.  I could tell the prince fell in love at the first sight with my princess. 

           Prince Min Woo, that was how the king addressed him.  The king liked him.  I would, too.  My princess?  Most of the times, she bowed.  She smiled.  Her words were addicting to be heard.  It was like a song in my ears.  The prince looked at her lovingly.  I knew my princess would be in good hands. 

The royals set up a marriage date.

The day my princess turned into seventeen, the day she would start a new life.

I was there, watching her choose her white gown.  As white as snow, pure and blissful. 

I was there, watching her choose the necklace.  She chose pearls, pure and blissful.

I was there, watching her choose her shoes.  She did not like heels.  She barely walked in those.  She was holding on my arm, not wanting to fall over.

I was there, watching her putting on all her choices.

Then my heart stopped beating.

           She was beyond beauty.  I was breathless.  I was fortunate to see her in this gown.  I was unfortunate not being able to stand beside her.  As her lover, as her husband.  But it was okay.  My vow was equal to a wedding vow.  I would be here for her too. 

Till Death do us apart.

The bells were tolling.  All over the city, all over the town, calling citizen to celebrate the royal wedding.

I waited in front of the chapel, where she was alone waiting.  Waiting for her call to walk the aisle.

           My heart was mixed.  I was glad, at least in this lifetime, she would stay alive.  I did not have to see her die.  She would be protected.  By me, by her husband, by the whole kingdom.

           Ten more minutes.  A guard came, informing me to take my princess down the aisle.  I knocked at her door.  I made myself in.  There she was, in her white wedding gown, under the veil as long as the carriage itself, my breath was taken away.  She was beyond beauty.

My creator, my soul.  My forbidden love, in this lifetime.

She was stunned to see me. 

She walked to me.  She stopped right one step before me.  She whispered.  Open.  Unveil me.

           My hands were shaking.  I refused.  I could not do that.  She reached for my hands.  She guided me to unveil her.  Her wet eyes were the first I sighted under that white veil. 

Take me, she said.  Take me to the place where trees were the only witnesses of our love.

Take me, she said.  Take me to the place where flowers were the only witnesses of our love.

Take me, she said.  Take me to the place where stones were the only witnesses of our love.

Take me with you.

           I saw my reflection in her wide wonderful eyes.  I was muted.  I did not answer her.  My hands were up again.  Carefully I put down her veil again.  I could tell she was sobbing.  I could hear she whispered, why.  I could not answer her.  But I knew, from under her veil, she watched me marched myself behind her.  I stopped right behind her.  I wanted to tell her, I was merely her shadow.  My life was meant to be her shadow.  Not to be someone worthy enough to have her love.  She sobbed.  I waited.  I waited until she was ready to step out.  I was muted.  She was shuddering.  After some time, she stepped forward.  I followed.  I walked behind her.  I watched her shadow befalling on every step she took.  I wished I was that shadow.  So I could walk wherever she went.  So we would never be separable. 

           I let her go walk on her own on the aisle.  At the end of the line, her prince was there waiting.  Her prince.  Her husband.  My princess was walking the aisle.  No one knew she was in tears.  But I knew.  I stepped backward.  It was time to let her go.  It was time to let her reach the happiness.

I closed my eyes.  At least I knew where my creator was.  I wished for her happiness always. 

          The door was about to close, from its crack, I sight my princess was already at the end of her walk.  The prince was beside her.  The priest was in the middle of them.  Ready to bestow the marriage.

I smiled.   Good bye, my love.

I leaned on the door. 

           Then I heard something.  Commotion from the chapel.  Was it the sound of people cheering?  My heart told me it was not.  What was it?  So loud, so chaotic.

           My heart was terrified.  I broke in, people were running around.  Bodyguards were all around.  Doing their job.  Protecting the king.  Protecting the prince. 

           A man with a gun.  Disguised himself as one of us.  He aimed for the king.  He aimed for the prince.

My princess.

           She was there.  On the end of the aisle.  She was stunned.  She was scared.  Her eyes were wandering around.  I knew.  She was looking for me.  She was looking for my presence. 

           I screamed.  I screamed for her name.  She heard me.  She turned to me.  She beamed.  She ran to me.  I ran to her.  One step.  One step closer.  I pushed my way in.  Her veil was broken.  She fell.  I was almost there.  She stood up.  She beamed at me.  She continued running.  Her eyes on me.  My eyes on her.  One step.  One step closer, then I had her in my arms.  I would protect her.  I would embrace her.

Finally.  She reached me.  She hugged me so tight.  She beamed.  Finally, she said, I called her name.

Choong Jae.

I beamed.  My princess.  She was saved.  In my arms.  I would never let her go.  Not anymore.  She pushed her lips against mine. 

She whispered, she remembered. The moment she touched my hands, she remembered.  She saw her reflection in my eyes, she remembered.

I smiled.  I nodded.  Yes, I remembered.  I remembered everything. 

           Then I felt she was getting heavier.  She lost her balance.  She fell before me.  I was still embracing her.  I sensed something wet on my arms.  I see her snow glowing gown turn red.  As red as blood.  Tainted.  Her blood.  She was hit.  My love.  My soul.  My princess. 

My sun, my moon, the star of my life was fading again.

Please.

Don’t.

Not again.

She was sorry.  She was very sorry.

It’s okay.

She whispered to me. 

Her blood was like a painting all over the church floor.

It’s okay.

She whispered to me. 

We would be reborn. 

She promised me, there was a miracle.

It happened to her.

We would be reborn,

And she would find me.

She would recognize my soul.

She would fall in love with me again.

She would.

She promised. 

Until that time came to us,

Remember me,

Please.

She closed her eyes. 

I lost her.  I caressed her hair.  I caressed her veil. 

Even in her death, she was beyond beauty.

I kissed her one last time.

The murderer stood before us.  I looked up.  His eyes gazed down at me.  He felt sorry.  He did not mean to.  I smiled.  I told him, it was over. 

Do me a favour.

Let me go to where my princess was now.

Let me go to her.  Help me.  Redeem your sin, help me.

He understood.  He aimed his last bullet to my head.  I closed my eyes.

I would find you.  This time.  Wait for me.

I promised.  I hold her tight.

I fell.  Right beside her.  Our blood pooled together. 

It was red.  It was beautiful.  We would use it to paint our next tale. 

Wait for me.