Chapter 4:  Destiny

Do you remember that day I turned up on your doorstep? 

I was reborn.  As I promised.

I remembered.  As I promised.

I searched for you.  As I promised.

          On the thirtieth year of my life, I finally found him.  I saw him on the corner of the garden.  Splendid as he always was.  Gentle as he always was.  Kindhearted as he always was. 

My father, my creator, my love.

          He was painting the glory all around him.  I wondered whether he himself realized he was the real beauty there.  I came to him.  I greeted him.  I wondered whether he recognized my soul.  I wondered whether he remembered.

But even if he did not, it did not matter.

I would make new memory.  I would make him love me.

My sun, my moon and the star of my life.

I would be here, to show him he was the light of my life.

I would be here, to show him I was his day and night.

           I asked him to paint my face.  I would come there every day, and asked him for the same thing.  I would come there every day, and asked him for the same thing, until he did not need my presence anymore to be able to paint my face.  I asked him to paint my face in his mind.  I asked him to paint my face in his heart.

The day I brought a ring to him, the day he sighted my heart tremble.

The day I kneeled before him, the day he sighted the earth beneath me shook a little.

The day I asked him for myself, my present and my future, the day he sighted I was true to my every single word.

He smiled.  As bright as a firefly alone in the dark of wood.  He smiled.

He did not say anything in return, but he held out his arms and hugged me.  I was cracked in tears.

He did not say anything in return, but I knew the answer anyway.  As I walked that aisle with him.

He was one step closer before me, when I circled his finger with a golden ring.

He was one step closer before me, when I told him my vow. 

That I, Eric Mun, would be here, through rain and fire, till time stopped for us, till death do us apart.

Through happiness and sadness, I would be here, and he would be there.  And we meant it.

He was one step closer before me, when I sealed our oath with a kiss.

           Finally, after so many lifetimes, I united my love with him.  After so many lifetimes, I was there beside him.  After so many lifetimes, I was able to sleep beside him.  We were happy.  We were content.  We had everything we needed.

But again, destiny chose another path for us.

           I felt not right.  I felt wrong.  I could not see the bright sun anymore.  I could not feel the warmth of the day anymore.  My days were beginning to fill with anger.  I screamed of pain.  I threw tantrum.  Even the love of my life started to be afraid of me.  I went to get help.  I needed help.  There, finally, I found out the truth.

Cancer was killing me.

           I smirked.  At least, I was in relief.  At least, I knew in this lifetime, I would be the one who watched the other part of my soul walked away from me.  I knew what would happen to me.

I did.

He did not.

           I acted there was nothing wrong with me.  I would bear all the pain.  I would pretend that there was nothing wrong with me.  I would use my remaining time to the fullest, spending every moment I had left in this lifetime with him and him only.

Then he started to wonder, why I was getting skinnier. 

Then he started to wonder, why I liked to take naps throughout the day.

Then he started to wonder, why I liked to buy him presents and shower him with gifts, without any particular reason.

I smiled.  I answered with all possible answers I could think of, but the truth itself.

Then it was destiny revealed what I had been keeping from him.

           The pain grew severe.  I could not hide what was eating me from the inside. 

He cried and cried.  He sobbed and sobbed.  I cried and cried.  I sobbed and sobbed. 

Why didn’t you tell me, he asked.

Why did you keep it as a secret, he asked.

           Because I was afraid.  I was afraid I would break his faith in me.  I was afraid I would break him in tears.  I was afraid that he would leave me.  I was afraid I was not ready to leave him.  I was all afraid. 

The illness started to consume my life.  His life.  Our life. 

           We spent a lot of money.  He told me, it’s okay, as long as he could live one more day with me.  Just one more day.  I cried.  I promised him.  I would fight.  I would fight for one more day.  To be with him.  In this lifetime.  I would not give up.  As long as he would live one more day with me. 

There was not a day I spent without tears.  There was not a day he spent without tearing.

Our luck finally reached its end.  Our fortune finally reached its end. 

           He started to work for more hours.  He did not come home.  He told me he had to paint more to make living.  He told me he had to carve more to get living.  He apologized.  I apologized.

           First night I spent without him, it was like a night in the hell.  I was alone.  I was suffering.  My mind, my body and my soul were yearning for his whole presence.  For his mind, his body and his soul.  But I knew, I should not complain.  He worked for me.  He worked for us.  He worked for our life. 

But still I missed him.  I missed him to the point I would die.

           That night he came home.  He brought a lot of food.  He said he wanted to celebrate his success with me.  He managed to get a contract.  A gallery who would display his art work.  He was happy.  I was happy.  That night we slept side by side.  It had been a while I had not hugged him like present.  I smelled his hair, I kissed the curve of his neck, my arms around his waist.  I wished I could embrace him like this forever. 

I still believed in miracle.  There was a miracle.  It happened to me. 

That night I whispered to him that I would always love him.  In the past, in the present, in the future.

His eyes were closed, but I knew he listened.  I could feel his tears flowing to the pillow underneath his silky hair.

Then again, destiny chose another path for us.  For him.

           He began to go home rarely.  He spent more nights in his studio, than in our bed.  Beside me.  One night he came home.  He thought I was asleep.  He climbed quietly to our bed.  Curled himself beside me.  I was happy.  I could sense his warmth in this cold night.  He was asleep.  I turned to him.  I wanted to see his peaceful face.  I wanted to memorize it in my mind.  I wanted to touch his hand and kiss it. 

I should not do that.  I saw there was no ring.  Our ring.  The evidence of our marriage.

           My hands grew cold.  My body grew colder.  Silence consumed my mind that night.  Even when the morning finally broke, the silence of the night still conquered my mouth.  I wanted to ask where it was.  But my mind said another.  I wanted to confront him.  But my heart said another. 

           I made myself believe, perhaps he left it in his studio.  He might want to keep it clean from the paint, brushes and other carving tools he had to use.  But I could not stop my mind from not thinking about otherwise.  What if he deliberately did that. 

           He called.  He told me he could not come home.  Again.  I said it was alright.  I would wait for him in the next day.  But I lied.  I went that night.  I went to his studio. He was not there.  It was empty.  I was panic.  I could not find him.  I called.  He did not reply.  I called for the tenth time that night, still he did not answer.

I gave up.  I walked home. 

          But destiny helped me.  I found him.  In a restaurant.  He was dining.  But he was not alone.  In a restaurant.  A fancy one.  He was with another man.  The man was wealthy in look.  I felt my heart was burning.

That second.  I understood.  My Jun Jin betrayed me.

Yet I could not blame him. 

Though I hated to admit it, he deserved someone better. 

I gave up.  I walked home.

           I remembered our first day.  The fog lifted and all around us, the rainbows arching over and sunsets were like flickering candles that shone our paths.  Now like candles, I was burning to the end.  I know.  Now like candles, my time was burning to the end.  Like sunsets, I would disappear.

My sun, my moon, and the star of my life – he would find another day and night in another universe.

I should be glad.  I should be happy.  But I missed him.

That night, like a lonely wolf, I howled his name in pain.  The cancer in me howled my name in pain. 

But I should be glad, I should be happy.  If I died, he would live.  At least, I lived my vow to him to the end.

            I did not ask him anything about that night.  I did not ask him anything about that man.  I did not ask anything.  It was more than enough for me to see him come to me.  It was enough for me to see him smile at me.  I would never change.  I would stay the same.  Nights when he was sleeping right beside me, I would hug him and whisper, my love stayed the same.  That I was sorry, I could not be his day and night.  That I was sorry, I could not be his hero and knight. 

I told destiny, at least on the day I died, he would be beside me.  Please.

           Then that man came.  He went to see me, when my Jun Jin was not there.  He looked for me.  He sat before me.  His name was Andy, he said.  He knew who I was, he said.  He knew what happened to me, he said.  He put out a single piece I had known for years.  He put out the other pair of my ring, and showed it to me. 

           I knew.  He got it from my Jun Jin.  I did not want to know when.  I did not want to know how.  I did not want to know when.  He brought me a lot of fortune.  He gave me a lot of money.  Money, he said, that I would never make in my life.  What for, I asked.  He told me he would give all the fortune in the world, if I gave him the other pair of the ring.  He told me he would give all the fortune in the world, if I gave him my Jun Jin.

He wanted me to give him – my sun, my moon and the star of my life.

           He stood up.  Please think about it.  Time had limit for me, he said.  He left me.  He left his fortune, and the other pair of my ring.  That moment I realized, destiny had been kind to me.  Destiny gave me a chance to be a hero once more for my love in this lifetime.  Destiny brought to me someone who could make my Jun Jin happy.  Someone who would protect my Jun Jin.  Instead of me.

I took the money.  I took the other pair of my ring.

           I went to find my Jun Jin.  I knew where he was.  He was in his studio, he was painting.  I made my way in.  He saw me.  He smiled at me.  I smiled back.  I sat on the corner of the room.  I wanted to watch him.  I wanted to return to the first day I met him.  I savored all the feelings.  Then I stood up.  I came to him. 

I was one step closer from him, when I put out the money that man gave me.

I was one step closer from him, when I put out the ring that man gave me. 

The ring once belonged to him.

           My Jun Jin was stunned.  He put down his brushes, his palette, he was on his feet.  His eyes were with tears.  I was muted.  We were muted.  I took his hand.  I put the money and the ring in his hand.  I took my hand.  I put out the ring from my finger, and I put it in his hand.  His tears were falling. 

I gave him his freedom, I told. 

He shook his head.  He did not want it, he told. 

            I was not born as a stone anymore, but my heart was hardened like a stone.  I told him that he betrayed me, and I could not live with a traitor like him.  He clutched to my arm and cried.  Please, he said.  Please forgive him.  Please let him come back to me.  I pushed him away.  I was bleeding inside.  But I knew, I had to do that.  He had someone else out there who was way better than me.

My sun, my moon, the star of my life – deserved a better day and night.

           I was dying anyway.  I could not protect him anymore.  So at least, I could choose a better life for him.  He clutched my arm tighter.  I pushed him harder.  Please, I said.  Please release me.  Please let me go away from you.  I pushed him away.  Again.  Harder.  And he fell.  He begged and begged.  I closed my ears.  I closed my heart.

ENOUGH.

I did not want to sight the clock every night to wait for your return.  Which you did not.

I did not want to pray every night to have you beside me when I sleep.  Which you did not.

I did not want to eat at the same table, looking at you while your heart and mind did not.

Because I had died, waiting for him.

            Then I grabbed the painting he was working on.  I could tell he was painting me.  I ripped it.  I broke that canvas.  I yelled at him.  He had no right to paint me anymore.  I ripped all the paintings that had my face on them.  I ripped them to pieces.  The pieces were floating all over the air.  I told him, he had no right to have my reflection in his eyes anymore.  And I did not want to have his reflection in my eyes anymore. 

He was on the floor.  Breaking to pieces. 

I was on my feet.  Shattered and shuddering.

           I drew the curtain.  I shut my windows from my sun, my moon and the star of my life.  And I wished to go on sleeping.  I was weeping, having lost what I had been searching for so many lifetimes.  At least.  This lifetime, I did not have to watch him die in my embrace.  At least.  This lifetime, he would live happily ever after.  Even though it was without me.

Do you remember that day I turned up on your doorstep? 

           On the second day after I lost him in my life, I found him again.  I saw him on the white bed surrounded by flowers.  Splendid as he always was.  Gentle as he always was.  Kindhearted as he always was. 

My father, my creator, my love.

           He was the glory all around him.  He was the real beauty there.  His hands were folded right on his chest.  His eyes were closed.  His face was peaceful.  He was not tearing anymore.  He finally lived happily ever after.   

            I came to him.  I greeted him.  I wondered whether he recognized my soul.  I wondered whether he could tell it was me who was coming.  I touched his hands, but he did not wake up.  I caressed his cheeks, but he did not open his eyes.  He was an angel.   Now. 

That man was there.  He pushed me away from him.  He threw me the rings I returned to my Jun Jin. 

Why didn’t you leave him in peace, he asked.

Why didn’t you give him the happiness he deserved, he asked.

            That man told me, my Jun Jin never betrayed me.  He sold him his ring, to get money for my medication.  He sold him his whole studio, to get the ring back, to give me one more day to live.  My Jun Jin sold his dream, with one condition, he could finish all his paintings of me before he left the studio for good. 

Because I was his dream.  I was the reason he painted, the day I found him the first time.

I killed his dream.  I killed his life.

in the previous life, he gave my life to me.  In this present life, I took his life from him.

           When I ended my days with him, that day he ended his life, hanging himself right after I left him.  He cried and cried, begging me to return.  But I did not listen.  My heart was made of stone.  I walked away.  He tried to mend all the broken paintings, but he could not.  So now.  That man asked me to walk away.  Like that day I walked away from my Jun Jin.  I did not have the right to have my Jun Jin’s reflection in my eyes, and he would not have my reflection in his eyes anyway.  

Then I saw his soul.  That man’s.

He was reborn.  As he promised.

He remembered.  As he promised.

He searched for my Jun Jin.  As he promised.

           He owned the same soul as mine.  We came from the same hands of our creator.  In another lifetime.  He was the statue I broke.  He came.  He had the same oath as mine. 

That he would remembered.  That he would search for our Creator.  Our father.  Our love.

Our sun, our moon and the star of our life. 

He looked at me.  Wrath and grudges were all over his eyes.  He held my Jun Jin’s hands.  He swore he would never let me touch my Jun Jin forever. 

Your time was over, he warned.

But I would let you live.  I would try until the last drop of my blood to keep you alive. 

So you would never follow my creator, my father and the love of my life anymore.

So you would never be reborn. 

He would swear that.

Even if I would, then he would be there.    

He kneeled down before my Jun Jin.

He was sorry.  He was very sorry.

It’s okay.

He whispered to him. 

His eyes were red as blood. 

He cursed me.  He damned my life.

It’s okay.

He whispered to my Jun Jin. 

They would be reborn. 

He promised him, there was a miracle.

It happened to him.

They would be reborn,

And he would find him.

He would recognize his soul.

He would fall in love with him again.

He would.

He promised. 

Until that time came to us,

Remember him,

Please.  He begged.

That day, the Earth concealed my Jun Jin.  Forever. 

That day, my sun, my moon and the star of my life – dissolved in eternity.

But I would wait.  I would wait till Death pick me up.  Then I would start over. 

I would find him too.  I would.  And I would make sure I remembered.  I would start over. 

If I was destined to repeat the same pattern over and over – I would. 

Author's Note:

Hope you like this chapter too.  Enjoy.  T_T  Do leave me some comments!!!  Big hug!