Minseok had hurt someone.

Minseok was sorry.

Minseok is always sorry.

Too bad "sorry" didn't get him anywhere in life.

Minseok couldn't love. Or at least, that's what he thought. How can someone love another when they don't love themselves? How can someone love another when they don't know what love is, how it felt like to love? Perhaps he was in love then, but didn't recognize the feeling as love. Love was a mystery to Minseok.

He knew what it was supposed to feel like. His heartbeat racing, butterflies in his stomach, that grin that no one can ever wipe off his face.

But he never felt that. At least, not with Luhan.

To be honest, Minseok couldn't feel much of anything. Yes, he laughed sometimes; yes, he cried sometimes. But it never lasted long. He would just push away the feelings; forget about it after sleeping. He was never good with feelings.

Minseok was naturally an introvert, with a scar lining his cheek and a scar lining his heart. He doesn't know where he got the scar on his heart, but it made him difficult to open up to anyone. His parents thought of taking him to therapy, his best friends often complained about not knowing anything about him. Luhan told him that... Well.

Let's start at the beginning. Minseok was starting something new. Minseok was going to transfer to a different college. Originally, he was going there because he had a platonic crush on his best friend, Jongdae. It was now junior year in college, and he just wanted to be with Jongdae, even lying to him about certain things about the transfer. Minseok didn't know why he was feeling this way. Maybe it was that Jongdae was his favorite one out of their group of four friends; Yixing and Joonmyun being the other two. Minseok was a little uncomfortable around Yixing, honestly, and Joonmyun always pissed him off. Now that he had more time with the person he thought he had a crush on, he could find out if he was really in love with Jongdae or if it was just a phase.

Minseok didn't foresee another person joining his life.

Honestly, Minseok didn't want any more friends. Minseok was pessimistic, or maybe he was just a realist. He knew that he was alone in this world, and everyone will leave, sooner or later. More friends meant more people leaving him, which meant more pain for Minseok. He was always alone, even with friends. He never told anyone anything, because he didn't want to seem weak or vulnerable. He smiled and laughed with friends even when he was feeling down, because he didn't want to be the one that brought bad moods. Without his friends, he'd just stay quiet, usually observing others. He didn't speak up much in class; he was always that loner with headphones in all the time.

Even if Minseok didn't want friends, he had to make some. Jongdae had made a couple friends in his college, and now Minseok was part of that group, too. Yifan and Sehun were Jongdae's best friends in college, as the former group all parted ways for college. Minseok also made two new friends, Luhan and Baekhyun, who started talking to him for some odd reason. Luhan was in his freshman year, and honestly, no one knows how they became friends. Baekhyun was a senior, and was a really good friend to Minseok.

After "dating" Jongdae for about two months(they had just wanted to test it), Minseok knew that they just weren't meant to be. They went back to being friends, and everything was fine.

Minseok had been hanging out with Luhan more. He could see that Luhan was fond of him, which made him feel wanted. Although they couldn't meet most times since their schedules were different, they chatted each other on Facebook quite often. In the morning, right when Minseok woke up, he checked his messages, smiling to himself when he saw a message from Luhan in an ungodly hour. It seemed that Luhan didn't sleep much, which always nagged at Minseok in the corner of his mind. When they got to meet, sometimes for a meal or maybe in the weekend, Luhan would always hug him or something. The count of lingering touches by him grew more and more as days progressed, and eventually led to them having a couple times.

Minseok honestly thought that Luhan was bored and just wanted a friend with benefits. To be honest, as long as everyone was happy, Minseok didn't mind getting used.

Around this time, Luhan started opening up to him a bit more. Before this, they were just friends that hung out together, no deep talk or things like that. Luhan told him that he had depression and anxiety, but it didn't look too serious to Minseok. He should've known better.

Even after Minseok had found out that Luhan was depressed and would sometimes worry about him cutting, he didn't think much of it. Luhan seemed fine to Minseok. Maybe because he'd never been depressed before. He read about it sometimes, knew that it was bad, and also that it could lead to suicide. But he couldn't empathize with it. So whenever Luhan talked about it, Minseok just became an awkward ball of "oh"s and "I hope you feel better"s. He just never knew what to do, what to say to make him feel better. He would sometimes even say "I love you"s.

Minseok doesn't really know around what time they had exchanged "I love you"s. He usually doesn't say it much; he could count the people he said that to in one hand.

Even though Minseok had said those things and even had with Luhan, he still wasn't really sure what they were. Neither of them had asked the other out, and neither of their relationship statuses on Facebook seemed to change. Minseok didn't want to ask that question, "What are we?" because he thought that it'd get awkward. Minseok just thought that he was a friend that could act as a lover sometimes for Luhan, nothing more and nothing less.

Luhan didn't seem to think that, but Minseok didn't know.

They were just joking around one day, talking about Luhan's cousin. Minseok doesn't know how the topic was brought up, but they were laughing.

"Am I dating you?" He asked breathlessly, with laughter still lingering in the air.
"I am dating you, you turd." was the reply, and Minseok continued laughing, saying, "I know, I know."

But he didn't know. He found out then, that people could be dating without saying the formal vows or asking the other out.

But even after that, their Facebook relationship statuses didn't seem to budge.

No one knew about them except them and a couple of Luhan's friends.

As time passed, their relationship progressed. Although Minseok was having a hard time expressing himself, he did try. He tried even harder to open up to Luhan after one of his breakdowns and him telling Minseok that Minseok hurts him without knowing. That Minseok makes it seem like it's "taboo" to know about him. He honestly did try.

Trying didn't really help, though. He couldn't fix something that he lived by for all of those years. He did tell Luhan about him a little, telling him about the car accident that caused the scar on his cheek, how he's never cut in his life because he hates pain, little things about himself that he hasn't told anyone else. It was a big step for him, but it didn't seem like that for Luhan.

Of course, Minseok kept trying to open up to him, but it was usually Luhan that talked and Minseok that listened. Luhan shared his favorite songs, books, and poems to Minseok. Luhan often talked about a crush in his Chinese class by the name of Chanyeol. Although Minseok was feeling jealous, he didn't want to show it, so he didn't. All he wanted was Luhan to be happy, so he just told him, "You can date him and if it goes wrong, come back to me." Maybe that wasn't the right choice of words, now that he looks back on it. Maybe that made Luhan feel unneeded.

As the days progressed, it seemed like they were growing apart, to Minseok. Luhan still talked to him about random things. They did exchange "I love you"s. But it seemed like they couldn't see each other as much as they did before.

Around that time, Minseok became friends with Kyungsoo. He was in one of Minseok's classes, even though he was a sophomore. Minseok doesn't really remember how they became so close, but they did. Kyungsoo easily got jealous and possessive, even if they were just friends. He seemed to get angry pretty easily, and sometimes even give Minseok the silent treatment because Minseok was seen hugging a friend.

When Luhan first wanted to take a "break" from the relationship, Minseok was confused. He didn't remember doing anything bad to him. But he said that he was okay with it. As long as Luhan's happy. By that time, they rarely got to meet and could only contact through Facebook. Minseok felt him grow away more and more, but he didn't know what to do about it. So he just watched. What else could he have done?

When Kyungsoo confessed to him, he was pretty surprised. He should've seen it coming.
Minseok couldn't say no. Minseok has a hard time saying no to anyone. Why would he say no, anyways? He was single, or that's what he thought that the "break" meant, anyways.
Kyungsoo was different than Luhan. Kyungsoo, perhaps, was more like Minseok. He told Minseok that he doesn't love, that he's bad at committing, and he may even cheat. Minseok was fine with that. As long as everyone's happy, is what he thought.

Minseok felt good about himself when other people liked him. Maybe that's why he let this happen.

His Facebook relationship status stayed the same, though.

Kyungsoo's jealousy only got worse. He didn't like Minseok talking to other people, smiling at other people, touching other people. He wanted Minseok all to himself. He didn't see Luhan as a threat, though, since Minseok and Luhan didn't talk much anymore.

Minseok didn't think it through when he saw Luhan and Kyungsoo talking. They were just talking. But then they became friends... Minseok didn't know.

Baekhyun was a steady beat to Minseok's life. He always seemed to be there when Minseok was feeling down, he always seemed to know that something was wrong. Baekhyun became a kind of advisory figure to Minseok, and Minseok was grateful for him; Minseok ended up telling Baekhyun about himself more than anyone else. So when Baekhyun confessed his feelings to Minseok, he was kind of surprised about it. Minseok thought that Baekhyun only thought of him as a friend, and even if he didn't, Baekhyun knew about Kyungsoo and Luhan. And although Minseok was with Kyungsoo, he was slowly getting tired of the way Kyungsoo treated him. Minseok told Baekhyun about Luhan and Kyungsoo way before this, of course. Baekhyun knew about it all. When Baekhyun offered to become Minseok's boyfriend, it seemed like an easy way out to Minseok. Although Minseok was with Kyungsoo, he was slowly getting tired of how easily jealous he became, how possessive he was. And even though he was still talking to Luhan, he thought that Luhan wouldn't care that much.

The day that Minseok's Facebook relationship status turned from "single" to "in a relationship with Baekhyun", Minseok cried.
Maybe those five days were the worst days of his life.

Day one, Baekhyun confessed his feelings to Minseok. It would be a lie to say Minseok didn't know. But he was still surprised, nonetheless. They talked about their relationship by text, late at night. Minseok cried that night, for no reason.

Day two, Baekhyun put Minseok as his boyfriend on Facebook. Many people congratulated them. Kyungsoo saw the relationship status and thought it was fake. It didn't stop him from giving Minseok a silent treatment, though. Minseok also cried this night, as well. Luhan didn't seem to notice the status.

Day three, Kyungsoo confronted Minseok about Luhan. Apparently they'd been talking for some time and Luhan told Kyungsoo that Minseok is his boyfriend. Minseok told Kyungsoo that he and Luhan broke up, because that's what Minseok thought a "break" was. That night, Luhan asked Minseok about Kyungsoo. Minseok told him that Kyungsoo wouldn't leave him alone, that he had to. Which was partly true. Minseok wondered why Luhan cared, when he was the one that first brought up the "break".

Luhan broke up with Minseok on this day. He told Minseok that he couldn't trust him, that he always hurt him. Minseok knew that he'd done wrong, but it was done now.
Minseok thought that he was such a crybaby. He wished crying didn't exist.

Day four, Kyungsoo broke up with Minseok. Which was fine by him. He didn't care for Kyungsoo as much as Luhan or Baekhyun, anyways. Minseok was in Science class when Kyungsoo texted him, telling him that he didn't care and he wants Minseok back. It made Minseok cry in class. Fortunately, no one noticed. Minseok just pretended to be rubbing his eyes. Minseok told Kyungsoo that they couldn't date, and Kyungsoo offered to become his friend. Just friends, nothing more. Minseok was okay with that, but he didn't think Kyungsoo could do it.

Day five, Minseok found out that Luhan blocked him on all of his social networking services. Minseok thought that he deserved it. That didn't help much from holding back his tears, though. He posted a line of one of Luhan's favorite poems on Facebook.

Baekhyun saw that Minseok was hurting, so he asked if he should take the relationship status off and tell everyone that it was fake. Minseok knew that that wouldn't change anything. Minseok felt sorry that he has hurt so many people and was now hurting Baekhyun as well. Minseok just told Baekhyun not to worry about it, that it was going to happen sooner or later, that it wasn't his fault.

Minseok made a new Facebook account the day after and went on Luhan's timeline. Maybe that was a mistake. Luhan didn't seem to be any different, except maybe disgusted at Minseok. He had changed his profile picture, and there was one post.

"My favorite poem written in your words makes me want to tell the author to stop you from ever seeing the poem again. You're ruining it for me."

Maybe that had hurt Minseok more than Luhan saying that he couldn't be trusted.

Minseok ended up memorizing that poem. He even thought about recording himself saying the poem and sending it to Luhan, but he thought better of that.

It was Luhan's birthday the next time they'd contacted each other. Back when they were together, Minseok had wanted to send Luhan a letter on his birthday. He decided against that, though. Minseok hesitated sending a text to him, but... Everyone deserved to be happy on their birthday. Maybe he shouldn't have sent that "Happy birthday." They ended up talking... If that even counted as talking. It was a couple messages back and forth. Luhan asked Minseok who he was. Minseok wondered why, even after all those times, Luhan didn't save his number. They didn't text much; they just used Facebook Messenger mostly. But it still hurt Minseok that Luhan never saved(or perhaps deleted) Minseok's number. Minseok told Luhan that he didn't need to know. After the formal "thank you"s and "no problem"s, Minseok went to sleep with tears lining his cheeks.

One day, Jongdae had told Minseok that Luhan told him about Minseok. Jongdae didn't know anything that was going on, although he did have some suspicions. Jongdae told him that Luhan told Jongdae about Minseok's lies, and Minseok, honestly, felt betrayed. He didn't know why. He just didn't think Luhan would have done that. That had made Minseok more awkward with Jongdae, but Minseok knew he couldn't blame Luhan. Minseok knew that he hurt Luhan, and thought that he deserved anything coming from him.

Minseok is sorry for everything that he'd done, but a mere "sorry" wouldn't make anything better.

Minseok writes down the poem in his notebook over and over during his math class.

Even though Minseok is happy with Baekhyun, his thoughts sometimes stray to Luhan.

Minseok sometimes goes through his screenshots of him and Luhan exchanging "I love you"s, and also the ones when Luhan told Minseok that he hurt Luhan. 

Minseok sometimes goes on a different Facebook accounts to see how Luhan is doing.

Minseok sometimes thinks about Luhan, from time to time; thinking back and asking "what if.." questions.

Perhaps Minseok did love Luhan, more than he thought.

~

This story was based off my life. I wrote this after reading the person(as Luhan in this story)'s version of the story around 3 in the morning. It seems that I've hurt her more than I thought. I don't know if she'll read this, but I hope she doesn't get more hurt than she already is.

Please accept my apologies as everything seems haphazard and the transitions are awkward. I wrote this in half a day.
(This is also the first fanfiction I've ever posted. I hope you enjoyed it.)