Jiyeon's POV

"And here's your new room," my part English tutor, part best friend Joo-Hyun unnie pointed out. I know, weird that my tutor is showing me my new "room," but that explains the situation clear enough - 

I've 'temporarily ' moved out of home because I seriously could not take it anymore. Just living, breathing in the same air of my abusive, careless parents, of my selfish, stubborn 'sister' Sooyoung [who, by the way, changed her last name to Choi just because she hates me that much], and never getting an ounce of love from them...

They say that it's better to be friendless then to have a bunch of friends that hate you, but I disagree, only because it would be nice to at least get some fake love rather than no love at all. It's better than nothing...right?

"How do you like it?" she quietly asked, biting her pink rosebud lips. I snapped back to reality and slowly stepped in, ducking under her arm used as a doorway. I was slightly braced for some girliness or a room completely bordered by either books or music, both of which she absolutely loved, thanks to her boyfriend Jung Yonghwa.

Instead, I received a pleasant surprise, since the first thing I saw was some cute peach pink. Those were the main colors of the walls, while there was a comfy-looking white plush bed in the corner - away from the window, thank gawd - a slightly tilted wooden desk on the other side of the bed, and some other furniture like lamps and couches here and there. The room overall gave off a cute and calm feeing, if not a subtle sense of contentment. It was way better than my other room, cluttered with...her clothes spilled around everywhere, her useless scraps of paper used for who-knows-what, and other things I'm just too sick to mention anymore. I would much rather focus on my unnie's new room for me, in which she was so nice to prepare.

"I love it," I said, smiling and turning to her. She beamed and enveloped me into a huge hug, something no one, except one friend here or there, has done in a while. My smile now spreading into a grin, I sank into her warmth and tried my best to ignore my aching heart, which no matter how much I tried to ignore, was still secretly wondering if I really made the right choice...

"Okay, well, let's get you settled in, and then I'll cook something up, okay? Just look around or sleep or do whatever you want," unnie gently continued, looking deep into my eyes as if she, too, knew how wrong I felt doing this. I sighed and nodded, trying my best to avoid her eyes as she my lumpy brown hair once more and left, leaving me all alone in her pretty but foreign room. I honestly didn't have much to unpack; just some clothes, my school stuff, and some books and personal items from best friends. My family didn't give me anything to remember them by; the only memory they gave me will stay in my lungs as a black mold, since all they did was smoke in the house as usual and give a distracted good-bye. Mom on the phone, as always, dad always sleeping or reading, and my sister?

Well, let's just say her friends is her new life, just like mine.

But, since so much people broke my heart before - whether they knew it or not - it was fine, right? To escape from reality? 

That's what my mind believed, as I kept unpacking, zombie-like, walking silently across the room to put things here and there, but my heart believed otherwise. And...

So did he.

Seung-Ho.

His voice kept ringing in my head, asking me that one question that changed my entire destiny that day I so desperately tried to end it -

"Are you sure?"

I shuddered, remembering every detail of that scary, uncontrollable, hectic day. His - and my own - tears mixed together in our hands as the red marks on my neck slowly started to fade away. 

His hands, which once held mine lovingly, I had once used for granted...Sure I regret it, but now I wonder if I ever did anything right in my life anymore. Are all these fragments of memories, floating puzzle pieces ever gonna join hands to become one beautiful picture, or will they always stay seperate, distant, and mysterious...?

~*

"W-What are you doing...?" he asked uncertainly, as I slowly held his hands up against my neck. I was freezing with just a white t-shirt and black shorts, and my hair was blowing around so fiercely everywhere I couldn't see at all. If I knew it was gonna be this cold on the rooftop I would've at least worn a white dress like all those horror fic girls wear...

"Shh, oppa," I whispered, with a sigh full of distress. I loved him with all my heart, but there was no one else I would ask to do this more than him. Not Sohee, nor would it ever be gentle Joo-Hyun unnie.

And anyone else, they would never even want to help me with anything to get out of this hellhole.

"Jiyeon, what are you doing?" he asked, a bit more desperate this time as I held his warm, tough hands tightly against my neck. I shut my eyes and mind closed, reminding myself of what I came here for and trying to ignore his pleading voice. Emotions only got in the way, after all.

"Shut up and listen," I snapped, opening my eyes and looking fiercely into his own scared ones. With a pang I realized he was shivering and shaking from all the harsh winds of this cloudy day, but I needed to do what I needed to do.

And that was, to die.

"No, YOU shut up and listen!" he argued, already trying - and failing - to let go of my neck. "There's no way I - "

"Be quiet..." I murmured, oh so quietly, my voice nearly in sync with the wind. "You have no idea - "

"I DON'T CARE WHETHER I HAVE A DAMN IDEA OR NOT, I JUST WANT TO - "

But I cut him off by forcing hands to squeeze around my neck itself, while trying to avoid his huge, sparkling brown eyes, full of terror and hurt.

Why does he look so hurt? I partially wondered, my heart crunching. Aren't I just a random friend to him...?

The next few minutes was a battle against the one I loved, battling against love and trying to win over death, which was normally very sneaky and quick for me, but ditched me the one time I needed it the most. My neck soon grew red, and my cheeks grew flushed from the unrythmic pattern of Seung-Ho's hands letting go and then squeezing my neck out of breath again. It wasn't until he...

He...well, told me this truth that I stopped, but even then, I just wanted him to kill me...I was getting sick of life and everything there was to do with it. Nobody loved me, nobody even tried to fake it or make it grow, and therefore made my home life one place of hell. Everyone in their own worlds, caring for themselves or just those around them, caring only for whoever they wished to, not who they were supposed to. Bruises and red welts around my body everyday, friends who declare they are my friends but turn away at the slightest mistake, and a God in the skies that now seemed so fake. Even my grades were starting to hate me, as if they too had a life of their own...

~*

So why couldn't he kill me? I wondered, now sobbing and trembling upon my new plush cotton bed. If he really wanted the best for me, and really wanted to make everything the best for me he possibly could, then...why is he only making everything last much more longer?

Selfish oppa... I thought, my slightly rusted silver ring, which seemed to reflect me inside out - all the broken-ness and hurt, just like him.

I sobbed and sniffed some more, feeling like my whole insides were made out of glass and crashed into a million pieces within me. Ever felt that kind of ache? I would call that both heartache and physcial-ache, and maybe even love-ache. But whatever 'ache' it was, it sure did overwhelm everything else that I've been through in the past after being hit and snubbed by reality. Gawd, how I hated the world...

~*

"Are you really not gonna do as I said?" my sister hissed, slamming our bedroom door shut as she slowly inched towards me. I became frozen from head-to-foot as I quickly deciphered where it would be safest to be and the hardest for her to hit me - under the desk, in the bunk bed, or just run away in the bathroom?

"Can't I just forget once, unnie!?" I whined instead, plummeting myself into danger. "I have a life too, you know! Things to remember, things to forget, and things to study, and - "

"SO!? YOU ALREADY CAN'T DO A GODDAMN THING IN THIS HOUSE RIGHT, BUT THE LEAST YOU CAN DO IS LISTEN TO ME!" my sister yelled, making me jump a foot in the air. If words were a dagger I would've already bled to death. "I KNOW HOW DAD TREATS YOU, BUT THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE SO IN' YOUNGER THAT HE'S SUCH A PUSHOVER! THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO SET YOU STRAIGHT, BUT WHY WON'T YOU EVER LISTEN!?"

"U-Unnie..." I stammered, feeling a liquid as warm as blood from my head. Funny, I didn't know she slapped my head that hard...

"...Hey - "

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry for forgetting...I'm sorry for forgetting like I always do and I promise never to do it again! I even swear," I quickly stammered, raising my hands high above me in order to avoid another hard blow from her. Despite her twig-like skinny body, her early Tae-Kwon-Do years sure toughened her up...

"...You say that a thousand times, you . When are you ever gonna start acting it out and proving it to me, you liar? I'm sick of this, you know that? What, you think I'm gonna lecture you forever and always watch out over you? Well, then get a wake-up call, because I've got a life of my own, and it doesn't have you in it."

When I didn't say anything, my sister Sooyoung scoffed and kicked my precious school backpack - given to me fom one of my few best friends Sohee unnie - and flauntered out of the room, cruelly feeling proud of herself...

...while I stayed on the spot, kneeling on my knees like she made me, hands curled into bloody fists as I continued crying and crying, a mess both in-and-out.

~*

"That ," I hissed into the air. Not like anybody could hear me, since my pillow was blocking my voice out, along with the ceiling fan Joo-hyun unnie installed in my room. But unlike the millions of times in the past, for the first time I let something leak out of me rather than bottle everything up...

"Jiyeon~ Dinner in five minutes!" Joo-hyun unnie called from somewhere distant, barely reaching my ears. Slightly confused, I looked around the now dark room and realized that all these terrible flashbacks have led me into the grasp of night, so much sooner than I wanted it to come. I hated whenever time flew fast; I always wanted to cherish each and every second I didn't get hit or scolded or hated on, and who knows what can happen if only everyone wasn't so hasty and quick?

Nevertheless I forced myself up into a sitting position before I reminisced upon all the other flashbacks I had in between the one of Seungho oppa and my sister...

Lee Taemin...When he kissed Lee Qri right in front of me...

Stupid Kwang oppa, when he thanked me not for my confession but that I landed him his newest girlfriend...

And the strange Kim Myungsoo...The way he thinks he knows me so well...Tch, nobody but Sohee and Joo-hyun unnie knows me that well...

And lastly...Kim Jonghyun, who left without a goodbye after that one last phone call...

I sighed, feeling hollow and soul-less, like some kind of shell just left alone to fend off all the storms by itself.

But reaching down to pull out my precious ruby key necklace, I remembered that I’ve been through so much worse. But, as always, I made it through, no matter what was in the way.

Sometimes you got to face the clouds so that you can see the sun behind it. But why, after I finally made it to the sun, do I feel another storm coming? For some reason I don’t feel like I’m quite off the hook yet. Everything I had to let go – family, friends, school, church – to come here and start a new "me"...

Who knows whether it’ll even stay where they are? Life never does like to stay still and quiet, after all.

“Do you really think you can do this?” Sohee asked, skeptically, as she helped me to pack just 48 hours ago.

Honestly, I really don’t know.

‘Cause, like always, I’m never prepared for what will happen to me next.