A/N: I wrote this bc this is something similar with some of my struggles with relationships and like I just love JiHan, they look like they're just meant for each other and Joshua just seem so like...idk how to explain it but like I love him kk enjoy.

     “Junghan...wake up.” Joshua shook his boyfriend, Junghan turning over in bed and opening his eyes almost instantly, looking at him. Somehow he always managed to still look beautiful and fully rested with only 2 hours of sleep, just waking up 3 seconds ago. 

     He smiled at seeing his boyfriend beside him. “Mhm...my baby.” He wrapped his arms around Joshua and pulled him close. “Why did you wake me my love?” He kissed Joshua's hair. “Are you okay?”

     Josh sighed, cuddling into Junghan, the latter always and forever the big spoon in their relationship. “I'm...I just.” He swallowed, still finding it hard to talk about his issues after being raised in a family where you just prayed your pain away, even if it didn't work. “I was talking to Seungcheol and he...asked about us and stuff.”

     “Yes, and what happened?” Junghan was sure to comfort Joshua whenever he could, especially when it came to Seungcheol. He was the type to ask a lot of questions, not understanding social cues and not realizing what could hurt someone, just because he was curious about everything and cared a little too much. 

      Joshua was the type to let things that bothered him, bother him forever until it festered inside him and turned itself into an ugly monster, overthinking and over worrying until it had him sitting on the floor in his bedroom sobbing his eyes out til his voice was raw, clawing at his hair and he was scratching at his arms and legs until he was red. Leaving Junghan to find him, holding his hands until he calmed down, sending him to bed, telling him to talk to him in the morning. When they weren't really together, but still kind of together without meaning to be, Junghan had told him he couldn't be with him until he learned how to get better, because someone self loathing couldn't ever love someone until they loved themselves, wouldn't be able to accept love fully, wouldn't be able to be loved properly for as long as Junghan wants to love him, which is forever, because he would drain Junghan of everything he has without meaning to, without wanting to, despite what anytime thinks, you can't be loved forever if you hate yourself more than anyone could ever love you. And Joshua knew that, he agreed with him, and worked on getting better at talking. Junghan was also scared that Joshua didn't really love him, but instead loved the thought of being loved, even though he didn't accept it. Joshua tried, Junghan helped, and once Joshua has achieved his goal, Junghan kissed him, holding him, pouring every ounce of love into their first kiss, praying that Joshua loved him and not being loved. But Josh kissed back with everything he had and loved him ever since. 

     2 years later, they still loved just as hard, and Joshua still struggled sometimes, as anyone would, forever having a relapse here and there, but that's just how he was made. No longest scratching at his skin until he bleeds, but instead fiddling with his shirts and waiting for Junghan so he could talk. “He…” Joshua cleared his throat. “He asked if we had slept together yet, I said no, because I'm still not ready...still scared. And he said he’s worried you’ll leave me soon because I can't...please you.” 

     Junghan unraveled his arms from around Joshua, sitting up and looking down at him, hurt written all over his face. “No, baby, no never.” He sighed, moving his bangs out of his face, them just barely sitting behind his ear with his new haircut. This was Joshua's biggest struggle now, biggest fear, biggest issue, touchiest subject. Joshua, raised as a strict Christian, was raised learning about Chastity and Abstinence, he didn't even realize (accept) he was gay until Junghan, just thought he was a good Christian boy who was able to ignore all desires about women (men). He never loved anyone until Junghan, never kissed anyone until Junghan, never touched someone until Junghan, never let himself be touched until Junghan, never imagined what someone would look like in the shower until Junghan, never wanted someone until Junghan, never lost his breath at someone simply smiling at him until Junghan, never felt desire until that day Junghan looked him in the eyes; late one night soon after Junghan joined the group as trainees; eyes saying something to Joshua's wants and needs, he never needed anyone like he needed Junghan. Never feared losing someone like he feared losing Junghan.

     Joshua assumed his fears wouldn't be as bad as they were if Junghan himself was a too-although he wouldn't be any less scared of losing who he was sure was the love of his life. Junghan had told him about it long before they were together, back when they were just friends, friends that held hands and cuddled and wanted each other so bad. It was in high school, his first ever boyfriend, one who kept him a dirty little secret that no one could no about, someone who didn't really love him but loved everything his body had to offer and loved it many times, then his second boyfriend, the one that was short lived but intense, then his third lasting all the way up until he became a trainee and dumped him soon after he met Joshua, back when he was still Jisoo, instantly falling for him.

     And that messed with Joshua's head, he was a himself, so inexperience, so scared to disappoint on the one thing they'd both been wanting and fantasizing about for years. He knew Junghan wanted him, he knew it, but he was so scared. 

     They had started doing small things lately, they used to just have steamy make out sessions, but now they added on heavy petting, Joshua grinding down onto his boyfriend's lap with a fire he didn't know he had, hands roaming everywhere, letting Junghan explore parts of him he never had before, realizing that his s were more sensitive than he though. Joshua started leaving hickeys behind, all over Junghans neck and jaw and collar bones, constantly getting it from makeup artists but they didn't care. Everything they’d been suppressing from the beginning of their relationship, beginning of their friendship, almost 4 years of released and desires catching up to them, slowly, but surely, Junghan never pushed or pulled him, never complained, would just quietly excuse himself when it got too much, to relieve himself in the bathroom, Joshua knowing that it was too thoughts of him, knowing he could get his lover so fired up without having to do much, because he felt same. But Joshua was still scared. 

     Junghan knew that too. “Jisoo...please stop worrying about that. Yes, I want you, yes, I wish you weren't scared. But no, I won't leave you, no I don't love you any less because you're scared about sleeping with me. I’ll admit that sometimes it hurts because it feels like you don't trust me, but I know that's not it. You're raised differently than I was, took so long to learn what you wanted when I learned too fast and have into everything. Yeah I can simply by just looking at you but that doesn't mean I'm annoyed or angry, if anything I just get annoyed that you have such a hold on me that you reduce me to a hormonal 13 year old boy because I get hard so fast from just kissing you holy -but I love you. I know you're trying, we are working our way up there, you know it, I know it. I don't want you to be terrified that I'm going to push you or leave you if you don't sleep with me soon. I want you, so ing bad, but I'm willing to wait because I love you more than my desires love your .” Joshua laughed, Junghan could always make him laugh no matter what. “And so I’ll wait, i’ll wait until you feel ready, until you’re ready to give yourself too me.”

     “I'm just worried you'll get tired of me because I can't...please you...even when we do sleep together I'm worried...you're wants won't match up to what I can actually give you.”

     “They won't. I know that. Not at first, you're new to everything, you're not going to my one day and turn out to be the god of s. But I’ll still enjoy it none the less because it's you. And it'll always be you. It’s going to take practice. But we’ll have lots of time for that and we can practice as much as you want once you're ready.”

     Joshua was blushing but pulled Junghan down on top of him none the less, kissing him until their lips were bruised and swollen. Then kissing him again, tongues exploring each other mouths even though they already knew them very well. Grinding his groin against his long haired boyfriends, a moan coming from one of them, neither is sure of which one it was, too caught up in each other like always. Joshua at Junghans tongue for a few seconds before releasing it and biting lightly on Junghans bottom lip before pulling back. “I love you so much Junghan.”

     Junghan nodded, panting. “I love you too. Remember when you used to not know how to kiss?”

     “Yeah.” Joshua nodded, getting embarrassed at the old memories but still smiling because they were good memories anyways. 

     “ is gonna work the same way.” He kissed Joshua again, this time him taking over everything and making Joshua lose his breath and feel his skin start to catch fire. “I love you. I’ll wait for you. Forever if you need me to.”

     Joshua giggled. “Really? Because your doesn't feel like it wants to wait that long.” He said, using his knee to bump against Junghans crotch lightly, emphasizing his point.

     “Oh it doesn't. But that doesn't mean I won't.” He kissed Joshua's nose. “But please don't make me wait that long.” He kissed his cheek. “Besides, your doesn't feel like it wants to wait that long either.” Joshua blushed and Junghan grinded down on the other and smirking when Joshua gasped a little.

     Joshua pushed him to his side again, curing into the other, cheeks hot. “Oh shut up.” He said. “Let's sleep, we have to be up in 2 hours.”

     “Yah! What time did you wake me up at?!” Junghan asked. “I need my beauty rest!”

     “You're always beautiful babe.” He kissed him. “Now sleep for s sakes, I don't want you complaining tomorrow about not sleeping enough.”

     “Okay. I love you.”

     “Love you too.”