Here I am, standing right in front of his casket, donned in a black dress and flats while clutching on to a red rose. I watched behind my huge sunglasses as he was being lowered into the ground. The tears that I've been holding flowed down my cheeks, and a few seconds later, my lips quivered as a sob escaped my lips.

I felt a pair of arms tightened around my waist and a head leaning on my shoulder. I turned over to see Soyoung, hugging me. Soyoung was a close friend of Jongdae and I, almost like a little sister that we both never had. I wrapped my hands around her as she continued to wipe her tears away. From where I was standing, I saw his Mom and Dad holding each other as they watched their youngest son being lowered to the ground.

"Goodbye Dae, I love you. Always." I whispered. I kept my head down as I threw a rose on top of his coffin.

I was about to leave the cemetery after saying my goodbye to Jongdae’s family when an unfamiliar voice called out to me. I turned, only to be met by a boy with dark brown hair framing his face and a small dark brown eyes running after me.

"Yes?" I asked with a soft voice.

"Um, Chen left you these letters and he asked me to pass it to you," He said as he nodded to the box he was holding.

“Thanks. You are?” I asked, reaching over to take the box.

“I’m Baekhyun, his childhood best friend. Oh, he said to open the one that says Open First,” he paused as he opened the box and pointed to the one on top. I stared at him and took note of his accent. It sounded different from Jongdae's. “As if you couldn’t read.” he said as he chuckled and his eyes became even smaller. I let out a small laugh at his last sentence.

“Thanks a lot by the way. I’ll see you around?”

“Yes, see you.” He replied before turning his heels, and jogging back to the group of people at the funeral.

No words could expressed how confused I was as I stared at the box I was holding. Turning my heels, I walked over to my car that was parked just a few metres away from me. I unlocked the door and settled my clutch at the passenger seat. Removing the lid, the box was filled with letters and there was Open When written in big bold letters on each envelope. I reached to the letter that said “Open First” and traced over his handwriting. Jongdae was never a fan of love letters, so I was surprised at the whole box he actually wrote, there must have been atleast thirty of them in it. I looked at the envelope and it had a few droplets of my tears. I reached over to get my tissues out to wipe my eyes, I didn’t even realise that I had been crying.

Open First

“Dearest Hyemi,

I prepared this bunch of letters to accompany you when I'm gone. I'm sure things are tough right now, but you'll be through it soon. I know that you’re strong enough. I knew it from the moment I met you. You have no idea how difficult to break your walls down.”

“Even when I became your boyfriend, you built walls to prevent yourself from hurting if anything happened. Not that you didn’t trust me or anything, but I’m glad you did. I don’t know how you’ll be coping when I’m gone if you didn’t build your walls. Many people didn’t understand why I would still be with you when you’re building walls and you kept your distance. But I knew that you’re capable of crashing the walls you built. And I was right. You broke them down after some time.”

I bit my lip as stared at the letter and bit my lips before I continued reading. Jongdae had always understood why I built my walls and with his help, I was able to crash them all down.

“You’re strong emotionally and I love that. You don’t cry so often and you keep your emotions to yourself but I could read you without having to show your tears. It was only when you’ve reached the limit, then you would cry. Or maybe when you watched those sappy Korean dramas, We Got Married endings or those cliché movies. Don’t think that I didn’t know of that.“

I smiled, a small and genuine one in a while since he passed away as I finished the paragraph. He knew the real me and he knew me like the back of his hand. I didn’t have to tell him if anything was wrong, he could tell right away.

“Nonetheless, I'm watching you from wherever I am right now. I'm sorry I didn't tell you anything about my condition. I'm sorry that I kept them all to myself. I’m sorry I asked your parents to not tell you about it either. I'm sorry I was selfish because I just didn't want you to worry. But more than anything, I'm sorry for leaving without a word.

Like I said earlier, this bunch of letters are for you. However, only open them when the situation occurs. The situation's written on the envelope. Don't cheat and don’t open them all at once. I'm watching, love. I know it will be hard since you've always been that curious little kitten but it's for the best. You can do it, fighting! (‘ω‘ )

Also, I'm pretty sure that you've met Baek. If the name doesn't ring a bell, he's the one that passed this to you. He goes by the name of Baekhyun too, maybe he introduced himself with that. He's nice, caring and trustworthy. I would really appreciate it if you keep in contact with him. I grew up with him so he knew everything about me. You can ask him anything, I'm sure he'll willingly answer everything as long as he knows the answer.

If you need to hear my voice, I’m sure my voice mail hasn’t been taken down. I kind of paid advance for it. If it’s full, tell the telephone company and ask them to save it on a CD before clearing it. After which, you can continue using it again.

I love you and stay strong. For me.

Love,

Jongdae

There was another page right behind the letter and it was a compiled list of the Open When letters that he had prepared. Taking a good look at the whole list before I reached for my phone inside my clutch and dialed the number that I remember by heart. It wasn’t long before I was redirected to the voice mail.

“Hey, it’s Chen. Sorry I can’t pick up the phone. Please leave your message after the beep.”

“Hey Dae, I opened the first letter today. It hasn’t been long since you left. It’s tough but like you said, I’ll be through it. I’m not sure when exactly but I’m sure I will, someday. Or maybe not, ever.” I breathed, my voice getting softer towards the end.

“Oh, and regarding your letters, I promise I won’t open them all at once. Even when my curiosity is at its maximum. How are you, wherever you are? You’re watching me right? Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. I'm your big girl afterall. Haha!” I gave a light laugh, trying to make myself feel a little better.

My vision was getting blur and I tried to blink away the tears that were b my eyes. I took a deep breath before I continued, “Also, your friend introduced himself as Baekhyun. I will keep in contact with him since you wished for it. Yup, he does seem nice but why didn’t you introduce us to each other before you left or something? You always had your own reasons for everything right? Maybe I can meet him for some coffee someday and gossip behind your back. Haha, I’m kidding. Anyway, I have to go. I’m going home after your funeral. I’ll be here again when I open another letter. I miss you already. And I love you. Always.”

I hung up the phone and wiped my tear-stained cheeks. I looked around and realised that Jongdae's family was gone and so was everyone else. I turned the ignition, pulled out of the parking lot and drove back to my house.

I was welcomed by the empty and rather quiet flat that Jongdae and I rented not too far down from my best friend and her boyfriend's place. Placing my clutch on my dresser, I reached for my pajamas and headed to the bathroom to change. I took my sunglasses out, and sighed as I looked at my reflection. My eyes were hollow and red. On top of that, my mascara had smudged.

"Dae's totally going to love you seeing like this," I muttered sarcastically at myself as I the tap and washed my face.

It wasn't long before I was out of the bathroom, feeling refreshed. I pulled my covers and quickly settled it in and looked around the room until my eyes landed on a picture of Jongdae and I, taken when we were in Disneyland two years ago. He stood behind me as his right hand wrapped around my waist, the other holding a peace sign to the camera. We looked really happy and if I'm not wrong, that was a few months after they found out he had cancer. He wanted to bring me out to the happiest place on Earth. That's according to what I've heard from Soyoung, but little did he know I was already the happiest around him.