02 April

April already. I should be writing more regularly but sometimes I’m just too depressed.

Our company has been stationed north of Cheorwon and my unit is closest to the border.

We’ve been ordered to stay here and watch out for fugitives. But we haven’t seen any for two weeks, neither have we had any enemy-contact.

Winter in the mountains was harsh but now the weather is soothing my soul. Still I wish I could go home. I’m not sure what we’re doing here anyway.

After the attack on Gimpo in November last year everybody panicked. North Korea never signed a peace contract anyway so for them we have still been at war since the 1950s. But this became reality to us as well when those bombs hit so very close to our home.

U.S. forces immediately sent units and extended their bases in our country. I’m not sure that was helpful though since it was seen as a deliberate provocation by the North Koreans and they subsequently started attacks from several points along the border.

The Americans keep threatening to use nuclear weapons while our government still tries to negotiate. Gods I really don’t want this to escalate. I fear for my family and friends but I don’t want to kill anybody either. I’m not sure I could do it.

I’ve been back home in March, visiting my parents and trying to catch up with everyone. Due to intelligence measures it is hard to keep in touch. We’re not allowed to use our phones in certain areas, so I was hungry for bits and pieces of information.

 Everything has changed so much.

There’s hardly anyone left in SM entertainment, only some of the girls. I’ve met Sunny and Amber when I randomly visited. Sunny kept hugging me and she seemed genuinely desperate although we haven’t been all that close before.

Amber was less clingy but very serious. I asked her if she knew anything about the other guys since it seemed like every single male employee had been drafted.

“Even Jongin and Sehun?” I asked not willing to mention Taemin instead.

“Yeah”, she answered looking sadder than I’ve ever seen her and then reading my mind added, “Taemin too.”

I wasn’t really surprised since they are all old enough for service although their mandatory time in the army would have been still a couple of years away. But this is a different situation.

Amber sent some pictures to my phone while I was there.

When I scroll through them now I feel incredibly tired and sad.

There is one of Minho and Changmin in military fatigues. They’re smiling at the camera. I’m glad that Minho has someone with him he knows. I weirdly expected all of us to have people we knew in our companies but of course that would be a coincidence.

Leeteuk Hyung also smiles at me from a picture taken at the airport. He’s stationed on Gyodeongdo and I think Donghae is there too.

And there’s the picture of Tae. He was still blond when they cropped his hair. He looks like a kid and although he too is smiling I can see the fear underneath. It hurts to look at him.

I don’t know where he is, I just pray he’s safe.

Amber didn’t have any pictures of Kibum and Jjong. She tried to cheer me up by saying:

“Well instead of Jjongie-Hyung’s at least you can have a picture of me.”

I took one but I still miss my boys.