Someone was dead because of Daesung.

Even when the police confirmed that it wasn’t his fault, Daesung still felt as if a heavy load constricted his chest. A great culpability and guilt ate at his insides. He wondered if he will ever be normal again.

Daesung read few comments here and there calling him a murderer and a grim reaper demanding he would commit suicide to abide for his sins. Daesung wasn’t above being affected with the public’s hateful comments. Even with the fans and his closest family support, he still couldn’t close the wound.

It just wouldn’t stop bleeding.

Like every time, Daesung decided to isolate himself and try dealing with his suffering on his own. Only it backfired right on his face, he didn’t only drown himself in further sorrow but he also allowed the dark thoughts to cloud his vision.

Daesung thought that it was okay to surrender. This could be for the best. If he completely disappeared body and soul, maybe he will be forgiven and BigBang will get to continue its promising path without him. It ate at him that he was the reason behind their fall after so many struggles. He from all people knew how much they suffered to get where they are. And because of Daesung, the public are demanding their disbandment.

Maybe if Daesung disappeared, they won’t have to face that hate any longer.

He doesn’t want them to go through hell because of him. Not when they did everything in their might to be there for him. None of them yelled at him, blamed him or even scolded him. They once visited him and offered the kindest words telling him they will always be there for him. Daesung cried like a baby when they left. He just didn’t deserve that gentleness from them. He was the one who hurt their careers at its prime.

He watched from afar as they continued the group activities without him. It was heart-wrenching to not be with them but he was also happy that they could pick up their careers and move along. They merited that much.

The hyungs called and checked in on him almost every day. They just refused to leave him alone no matter how much he assured them he was doing fine. Of course he lied to set their minds at peace because Daesung didn’t want to burden them any further.

Seungri was a different story. At first, Daesung swore Seungri didn’t even want to look him in the eye. He always lurked in the shadows whenever he visited with the hyungs. He barely said any word to him and was the first to bid his goodbye. Daesung thought it was only natural that he was disappointed in his hyung. It’s not like Seungri considered Daesung much of a role model but Daesung never wanted to see that look in Seungri’s eyes. Never.

Once Seungri called him when they were filming a CF. Daesung wasn’t sure why he did so. It was so unlike Seungri to even call him.

“Ah, Seungri ah.” Daesung tried to make his voice as cheerful as possible but for some reason, he knew Seungri would pick up on the underneath sadness.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Seungri’s voice was worried. Extremely so. It hit Daesung like an arrow. He was supposed to be the one guiding Seungri and worrying about him not the other way around.

“I’m good.” He lied. “How are the others?”

“It’s fine hyung. You know how it goes.” Seungri was dismissing him to gauge his answers instead. “You don’t seem good hyung.”

“I am eating with my parents.” He lied again. The distance he put between himself and his family was a lot bigger than the one he used between himself and BigBang. He rarely met his family members these days. “I am definitely good.”

“I still don’t believe you.” Seungri said in a suspicious tone. “I will call you later, the director is calling me over.”

“Work hard my dongseang. Don’t cause trouble.”

“I already have three other hyungs telling me that every single second, you don’t have to add your vote.” Seungri whined in the same voice he always used to make the hyungs submit to his whims.

Daesung smiled to himself. A genuine smile that he thought it disappeared forever. “It’s never enough with you.”

Seungri whined some more before finally ending the call.

Daesung’s smile disappeared almost instantly. He was once again thrown into the destructive thoughts that ate away at his mind. They just wouldn’t leave him alone no matter how much he tried to.

His phone beeped.

Seungri ––It’s never the same without you hyung. Come back soon.

Daesung couldn’t hold his tears. No matter how much he promised himself not to cry anymore, it was these small gestures and words that threw him off the edge. Especially when it was Seungri.

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