Yuri’s POV

 

Four years ago…

 

"I love you so much baby," Jessica cooed softly in my ear, making my heart sink even more. 

“She’s so cute when she sleeps,” Jessica said after taking a deep breath, holding our little girl in her arms while I’m driving.

 

I sighed, my heart feels heavy.  

Jessica is going away, bringing a piece of my heart along with her. 

 

"Baby?" my wife stared into my eyes with a sad expression.

 

This must be harder for her, to be the one leaving.

I need to be strong for her.

 

"I love you too," I replied, I give her a small smile – maybe I can mask my sadness from her.

 

The car ride was silent, I couldn’t find the right words.

I couldn’t bring myself to say anything else.

 

As soon as we arrived, I rushed to get her luggage out from the backseat of the car.

The truth is that, I needed to wipe my tears and I didn’t want to show my sadness in front of her.

 

 

"Be careful when you're there. You need to take care of yourself too. Take your meds on time, I won't be there to remind you..." I broke down before I could finish my sentence. 

 

So much for being strong.

 

Jessica pulled me into a hug, and my cries begin to turn into sobs. 

"I'm going to miss you," I whisper, barely getting any sound out of my mouth. 

 

"I'm going to miss you even more, and Hyunnie too," Jessica said, trying to stifle her cries but to no avail. 

 

"Please take care of our Hyunnie," Jessica said, her tone almost pleading.

 

After today, it will be a year before I get to see my wife again.

 

“Yuri-ah,” Jessica cups my face, her tears visible.

“I’ll come back sooner than you think,” Jessica smiled, I can feel the lump in my throat.

 

“I love you,”

“Come back soon,” I replied, trying to hold back my tears.

 

“Mama,” Seohyun finally speaks up after waking up, her eyes puzzled, she’s still too young to understand that her mother is leaving for a year.

 

“Hyunnie,” Jessica kneeled to meet Seohyun’s eye level and kissed her forehead before giving her a hug.

 

I can feel my chest tightening as Jessica pulled me down to join in their hug.

 

“I’m going away for a short time, Hyunnie-ah, take care of Yuri Omma for me, okay?” Jessica smiled that beautiful smile, the smile that made me fall in love with her.

 

Although puzzled, Seohyun still nodded her head, her hands squeezing ours tight.

 

****

 

Now

 

BZZZT! BZZZT! BZZZT!

The ear-splitting alarm sound rings in my ear, exploding my perfectly working eardrum.

 

, I swear I slept like a second ago.

 

 

Hello,

I’m Kwon Yuri, a surgeon and a single mom.

And I’ve only slept for 2 hours last night.

 

That’s the perks of being a doctor and a single mom, you can’t have the luxury of sleeping early but you have to wake up at a fixed time every morning because your daughter have to go to school.

 

I was on call last night and I had surgeries back to back.

 

I have recently been appointed as the Head of general surgery – hence, busy can’t even come close to describing my schedule.

 

I know saving lives is important and all that – but at times like this, sometimes I wonder if the lack of sleep is even worth it.

 

More sleep over saving lives?

Selfish Kwon Yuri strikes again!

 

“Hyunnie! Wake up honey! Time to shower!” I shouted at the top of my lungs to the room next door.

 

I get up slowly and then I can hear small footsteps heading towards my door.

 

Hyunnie, real name Kwon Seohyun, is such an easy kid to raise because she’s disciplined and obedient, always listening to whatever I say.

 

Oh, Hyunnie is my 8 year old daughter.

Other than being obedient, she’s also intelligent and kind hearted.

 

I’m not saying this because I am her mom and I probably have a mom bias issue, but it is the truth.

I never once had a difficulty raising her.

 

My late wife, Jessica, would’ve been so proud if she could see how grown up her Seohyun is now.

She passed away four years ago, when she joined the Doctors without Borders mission.

 

Little Seohyun is our second love. 

We never thought we had any space in our heart to love anyone else.

But we were wrong, we fell for little Seohyun more each and every day.

 

 

Having a child together was never a part of our plan.

Our plan was always to join the Doctors without Borders programme together, which was our ambition ever since medical school.

 

 

We were ambitious, young and in love. We wanted to do everything together. 

However, we put our plan on hold, decided that we’d get married first before joining the highly prestigious program.

 

And then, something unexpected came in our way.

 

I had a patient, an ailing single mother who had cancer.

She only had a few months left to live. 

 

In the course of those few months, I took care of the mother, always staying by her side and we grew close.

I felt sorry that the little girl had to go through so much. I often brought the girl sweet treats, story books and funny dolls to cheer her up. 

 

When her mother's time almost came, her mother had one request. 

For me to take care of her daughter as my own. 

I was taken aback, but I said yes almost instantly. 

 

Sure, having a kid wasn't a part of our plan, but this is Little Seohyun. 

I had gotten attached to the girl without realising so, the thought of leaving the girl under the care of the foster system made me uneasy.

 

That night I nervously told Jessica about the mother's request. 

 

After much discussion, Jessica finally nodded in agreement. I pulled Jessica in for a bear crushing hug, realising that I did want to have a child after all. 

 

And that's how we became a little family. 

We were happy together.

 

Until our past ambitions caught up with us. 

 

 

The application we sent in for Doctors Without Borders were replied and we were both accepted. 

Of course, I couldn't even think of accepting it, not when Seohyun is still so young. 

Jessica wanted to follow my steps and decline the offer too, but I stopped her. 

 

I knew how much Jessica wanted it more than anything in the world.  

It will only be a year anyway, I kept telling myself at the time, trying to keep my heart in check. 

 

We managed to get on with our daily lives, keeping in touch with Jessica through the amazing human invention called the Internet.

Seeing her on our computer screen was good enough for us, it wasn’t enough, but we were still thankful just being able to talk to her.

 

We would get calls from her at least once in two weeks.

Once a week if we were lucky.

 

However, the calls stopped just three months before Jessica’s contract was supposed to end.

No calls, no letters, nothing.

 

I tried being positive, thinking that she was just busy.

 

Until one day, a soldier came to our house, informing me that the medical facility she was working on was bombed and that... Jessica didn’t make it out.

 

My heart broke that day.

If it wasn’t for Seohyun, I wouldn’t have the strength to hold on.

 

I wanted to quit everything, on my career, on living, on everything.

 

It took me a while to realise it, I was too heart-broken over Jessica’s death, so I sent Seohyun to my bestfriends, Sooyoung and Hyoyeon, so they could take care of my daughter.

 

Hyoyeon and Sooyoung tried to talk some sense into me but I completely shut them out. Seohyun was barely 5 years old when Jessica died so she didn’t fully understand it at the time.

 

One day, Seohyun came knocking on my door – with her swollen eyes and guilty expression.

 

“Omma, did I do something wrong?”

“Omma, do you not love me anymore?”

 

 

Her questions still affected me to this day, because I realised that I had just hurt my daughter.

That hit me hard.

 

That day, I swore I won’t ever let my daughter down.

 

Her happiness is my happiness.

I live for her smile, her laughter and her little arms around my waist.

 

It’s been the two of us for a while now and I’m quite happy just staying this way.

 

 

 

 

 

The sight of little Seohyun rubbing her eyes sleepily makes me smile wide.  

 

“Omma,” she said in her cute voice, her arms opening wide for a hug and I gladly received it.

 

“Beautiful baby,” I kiss her cheek and her hair.

“Go get a shower, I’ll make breakfast for us,” 

 

“Get back to sleep, Omma,”

“I’ll just eat cereal, Aunty Sooyoung will send me to school today,”

 

“That’s okay, I can take you, and I’m awake now,”

 

“Omma… you just arrived home, you haven’t even changed from your work clothes yet, I already discuss with Aunt Soo and she agreed to my suggestion,”

 

When did my daughter get this smart and thoughtful?

 

She then pulls my hesitant self to bed and kiss my cheeks before saying ‘Good night’.

 

“Thank you, you didn’t have to, but thank you,” I said before surrendering myself to my comfortable bed.

 

“I love you, Omma,”

 

“I love you more,” 

 

 

 

****

 

 

“Omma, I’m back!” I heard my daughter shout from the front door followed by sounds of laughter.

 

“Dinner is almost ready,” I shouted from the dining room while carefully setting the food on the table.

 

The sounds of whispering and keys rattling tells me that my daughter isn’t alone.

 

Oh god, what day is it today?

It can’t be.

 

Sooyoung, Hyoyeon and my daughter emerged to the dining room, their eyes lit up with excitement.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUUUUU…”

 

I put on a wide smile as I realise that Sooyoung and little Seohyun wearing party hats and props while Hyeoyeon is carrying my birthday cake.

 

“You guys!” I laughed because I had completely forgotten about my birthday.

They each have a wide grin on their faces because the surprise was a success.

 

Sooyoung and Hyoyeon take turns in hugging me tight.

“Happy Birthday Silly,”

“Happy Birthday Yuri-ah,”

 

“Thank you,”

 

 

Dinner was pleasant enough.

I can’t remember the last time I actually sat down for dinner with the two of my best friends and my daughter.

 

 

Both Hyoyeon and Sooyoung are my laughing pill, I guess that’s the reason we got along so well.

We used to be the three musketeers in Medical school.

Inseparable, loud and also pretty darn annoying.

 

I can’t remember the old me, sometimes I wonder why they still stuck with me until now.

They’re all I got, they have stayed with me through thick and thin.

 

“Why are you smiling like an idiot?” Hyoyeon smirked.

“OUCH!!!” Hyoyeon winced in pain when Seohyun smacked her hand.

 

Seohyun doesn’t like it when her aunts spits out cuss words.

I can only laugh when Hyoyeon pouted her lips, “Hyunnie-ah, it hurts!”

 

“You should’ve hit her harder Hyunnie, bbi… girl never learns her lesson!” Sooyoung said trying to cover up her mistake.

 

“AHHHH! THAT HURTS!” Sooyoung screamed, her eyes bulging in shock.

“You were going to say the B word, Aunt Soo, I had to,” Seohyun said, her eyes doesn’t even show that she has an ounce of remorse.

She really hates cuss words.

 

“Calm down, I’m sure Hyunnie’s little fingers didn’t hurt that much,”

“Bunch of drama queens,” I laughed.

 

“Hyunnie, come with me, let me put you to bed,” I told my daughter when I realise that it’s already her bed time.

 

“Okay,” she nodded obediently.

 

Hyoyeon and Sooyoung said their respective goodnight greetings for Seohyun.

They look a little too happy to find out that it’s Seohyun’s sleeping time.

 

Seohyun in bed means one thing, they can now release all the cuss words they have in their vocabulary. 

 

 

 

 

“Omma, I got a present for you,” Seohyun said with excitement as I enter her bedroom.

“Really? What is it?”

 

“Here,” she then take the nicely wrapped gift from her bag and gives it to me.

 

I unwrap the gift slowly and carefully, my heart filled with warmth when I see that it’s a picture of the two of us in a frame.

 

The picture is the first picture Jessica took of the two of us when we first adopted Seohyun.

The happy memories suddenly came flooding in, making me sad and happy at the same time.

 

I miss you, Sica.

 

“Omma, don’t cry,” she said softly as she wipes my tears.

“I love it, it’s the best gift ever,” I smile at her reassuringly because I can see a hint of guilt in her eyes.

I lie next to her in bed and embrace her little body in my arms. 

 

I start to feel bad when I realise that Seohyun's has gotten a lot quieter since the present.

"I love you, you know that right? I ask her while her hair so she'll fall asleep.

"I know, I love you too, Omma," she says softly. 

 

"What's wrong? You're awfully quiet," I asked when I couldn't take the silence any longer. 

 

"Omma, I want you to be happy," Seohyun looks at me with those round eyes, tugging at my heartstrings. 

 

"I am baby, I am, especially after today," I give her my widest smile, in the hopes that she'd stop worrying about me. 

"Really?" 

 

"Yessssss," I said my hands ready to tickle her sides. 

Her eyes widen upon realising what I'm going to do to her. 

"No! Okay, okay, I believe you!!" she said while genty prying away my hands before I could tickle her. 

 

"Which bedtime story do you want me to tell you tonight?" 

"The story about how we met!" Seohyun said with joy. 

I granted her wish and she soon fell asleep with a smile on her face. 

 

 

I cried in silent in my room for a few minutes before I go back out to meet them.

I couldn't help but miss my dear wife. 

 

“Yah- I knew it, you’re going to cry when you see her present,” Hyoyeon said, shaking her head at the same time.

 

“Here, have a drink,” Sooyoung pats the empty spot next to her on the couch after she pours a glass of wine.

 

I sit down, my eyes already on the verge of tears.

 

“Gosh, I miss her so much,” I pull a little bit of my hair in frustration.

I couldn’t hold back my tears anymore as both Sooyoung and Hyoyeon hugged me from both sides.

 

 

"Yuri-ah, I hate seeing you like this. Don't you think Sica would have want you to move on and get on with your life," Hyoyeon sad concerned eyes makes me hate myself right now.

 

"I've moved on..." 

 

Maybe if I say it out loud, it'll eventually come true.

 

"No, this is not moving on. Yes, maybe on the surface you seem like you are, but clearly, you're still wallowing in sorrow,"

 

"You only have time for two things, work and Seohyun," Sooyoung added.

 

"It has been four years since she passed away... time to let her go," 

 

"You're not moving on, you're just... pushing her to the back of your mind by overworking yourself," 

 

"It's the best I can do..." I respond weakly. 

 

"Don't you feel bad for Hyunnie?"

"Doesn't she deserve a happy mother?" 

 

"But I am... happy," I can't even believe what I'm saying. 

 

"Hyunnie knows," 

 

"Huh?"

 

"That you've been crying over Sica, she asked me about it this morning," Sooyoung replied. 

 

"She's worried about you, Yuri-ah," Hyoyeon added again.

 

 

My tears came back when I realise that I fail as a mother yet again. 

 

I really need to get my together.

 

"If Sica were here, she'd call you an idiot and slap you so hard so you'd go back to reality," Hyoyeon said in a joking manner and it made me chuckle a little. 

 

"It's true, she'd be so pissed and end up killing me," I said with a smile on my face. 

The thought of angry Jessica brings bittersweet memories of hers.

 

It's true what Hyoyeon said, Jessica would hate it if she finds out how much of a loser I've been ever since she left.

 

"So will you?" 

 

"Will I do what?" 

 

"Try to move on? Try harder?" 

 

"Yeah, just start small, stop by the side of the road and smell the roses or look at the bright blue sky when you go to work," 

 

"Live, appreciate what you have, that's what Hyo is trying to say," Sooyoung said.

 

"Smell the fresh grass outside,"

"Smell the anticeptics in the hospital for all I care!" 

Hyoyeon's voice changed from sympathetic to excitement.

 

"Just, LIVE," Hyoyeon said with an exaggerated expression.

 

I can only shake my head in response. 

They're a bunch of idiots but they do make sense.

 

"Hyo, you're making it worse!" Sooyoung yelled, annoyed. 

 

I laughed, "It's okay, I got it," 

 

"Live," I said with a small smile. 

"I'll try harder," 

 

"Thank you, for telling me what I needed to hear,"

 

 

That night I slept crying my heart out because it sorely misses Jessica's warmth and embraces.

I needed to cry it all out if I'm going to really move on. 

My heart was in pain and my eyes were swollen.

 

But unlike any other night, I also slept with a warm feeling in my heart, because the burden I've carried on my shoulders is slowly being lifted.

 

 

It's time to stop and smell the roses.