Chapter 9: Together

And now here is my secret, a very simple secret:

It is only with the heart that one can see rightly.

What is essential is invisible to the eye.

― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

I used to be convinced that I wasn’t scared of anything in the whole world. Being scared was for losers like Ji Yong. But me, I was that cool kid who totally owned the sandbox at the playground. In fact, I owned a lot of things, but ever since Ji Yong appeared, it turned out I had to share. That didn’t sit well with me so it became my habit to always want what Ji Yong had. Because I somehow perceived that I owned everything he had and even him. Never in the million years would I have guessed that he could end up stealing something precious to me, something that could never be given back.

One night, I saw a nightmare and woke up covered in sweat. It was a rare occasion for me to have such a scary dream and I couldn’t fall back to sleep anymore. So I tossed around in my bed feeling anxious and nervous. Every time my eyes closed I thought I heard strange noises and every time they opened the shadows on the walls turned into monsters and came to life. I was scared and needed to be comforted by someone.

The first person who came to my mind was Ji Yong but I was too proud to wake him up so I decided to go to my father. Only he was nowhere to be found. After searching the whole house, I finally had to admit to myself that our parents weren’t there. They were gone. Maybe forever. The memory of my mother disappearing in a similar way came back to me so vividly I started shaking from fear. For a seven years old girl, it wasn’t exactly an ideal situation. 

Panic taking over my senses I ran all the way back upstairs and shook Ji Yong awake. It took me a while because he was such a hard sleeper and when he finally sat up with a yawn I hugged him and cried on his shoulder. Without a word he hugged me tightly and waited patiently for me to calm down. Eventually, I stopped crying, pulled away from the hug, and told him everything with a shaking voice, stuttering out incoherent sentences I doubted he even understood. Ji Yong listened attentively, his brows furrowing and his lips forming a straight line.

“I know”, he sighed after a long silence.

I looked at him hopefully as I wiped my face and sniffled.

“I think they died.”

“What?!”

“You said it, that people just die all of a sudden.”

“No! They didn’t die!” I shrieked. “They didn’t!”

“Now they went somewhere where my dad is.” Ji Yong was calm and collected whereas I panicked so hard I started hyperventilating.

“No! How can they die? What are we gonna do now?” 

“I think we have to die too.” Ji Yong nodded decisively. “Your grandma said that if a person goes to sleep and never wakes up he dies, right? So we will just have to go to sleep and never wake up. Then we will die.”

Both of us were too young to fully grasp the concept of death but we already understood that if someone died that meant they would never come back. I used to think that when you die you end up in a different world but I didn’t know what Ji Yong thought.  He lied down and covered himself with the comforter, a serious and determined look in his eyes.

“I don’t want to die”, I complained. “I want to stay here.”

“Well, if you want to find your dad then you have to come with me.”

“You will die?”

“I’ll try to.”

Ji Yong rolled to his back and stared at the ceiling.

“I miss dad, that’s why…”

“Then what am I gonna do?” I felt lost. Everything seemed so uncertain. “I’m scared.”

“What?” Ji Yong turned to look at me his eyes opening wide.

“Don’t die”, I pleaded and grabbed his hand. “I’m scared to be alone.” It was embarrassing to show him my weakness and I lowered my gaze unable to face him. My cheeks covered in blush and fresh tears appeared in my eyes. “So don’t go.”

He didn’t say anything but when I tried to let go of his hand he held onto mine so tightly I couldn’t pull away. It didn’t happen often but sometimes he seemed like a completely different person compared to the one I knew. The weak, indecisive, crybaby suddenly turned into a brave, strong boy who wasn’t scared even of the death itself.

“Are you really scared?”

I nodded.

“Why?”

“I don’t want to be alone”, I mumbled.  

Ji Yong sat up and ruffled his hair as he thought about something. Then his face brightened and he grabbed my both hands, got on his knees and moved closer.

“I know a solution!”

“Really?” I looked at him expectantly.

“Close your eyes”, he said meekly, his cheeks turning pink.

I thought it was weird but I trusted him so I closed my eyes. He came even closer and I felt something soft pressing against my lips. That instant, my eyes fluttered open and I moved back, my arm shooting up to my lips. I rubbed them furiously with my sleeve.

“YUCK! Why did you do that?” I yelled in shock. He had kissed me and that was disgusting! It was something only adults did. “It was your evil plan to give me boy cooties!”

“No!”

“It was!”

“No!”

“You are stupid!” I yelled as I scrambled to my legs. “I don’t want to be with you anymore. Just die!”

Anger and confusion struck me and I dashed out from the room. My heart beat strangely fast after our little contact and I knew that I didn’t hate it exactly, it just felt weird and I couldn’t understand why he’d do such a thing. But because I didn’t hate the kiss it also made me extremely angry. I was supposed to hate it since I hated Ji Yong. I didn’t know what to think.

The only place where I could go during such a crisis was my father’s bed. I used to sleep next to him and my own mother all the time but because he had to share the bed with Ji Yong’s mother now I couldn’t do that anymore. The sheets smelled different from usual, the scent of woman’s shampoo and perfume lingered on the pillows.

Moments later Ji Yong found me in the bed and despite me telling him to go away and die he still climbed on and crawled to sit next to me.

“Mother said that when you kiss someone you stay in that person’s heart forever and that person will stay in your heart”, he explained quietly. “So… you don’t have to be alone…”

“But I don’t want to be with you forever”, I whined. My plans concerning getting rid of Ji Yong were ruined and it made me even angrier. “I want to be with father!”

“I’m sorry”, Ji Yong said in an awfully dejected voice.

Despite everything, I felt a bit calmer in my heart knowing that at least I would never end up being alone. Ji Yong remained by my side and I listened to his calm breathing until the sleep took over. The next morning he was still there sleeping next to me. I scooted closer and hugged him tightly. He hadn’t died so perhaps the power of the kiss really worked and I wouldn’t have to be alone ever again. Maybe it wasn’t that bad to have him there. I didn’t really hate it and with a peaceful mind, I drifted back to sleep.

Later Ji Yong shook me awake and told me that our parents had come back. It turned out I had forgotten about my father telling me that he and Ji Yong’s mother needed to go somewhere during the night. In an instant, everything was back to normal and nothing had changed. However, I had understood one important thing: that in life nothing would ever be forever. Even Ji Yong left me eventually. He left to never come back.

But if you come at just any time,

I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you.

 ― Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

A tall, well-dressed man walked back and forth in front of my apartment door. When he heard my footsteps he looked up and in a breath, his brows furrowing.

“Park Sandara!”

I lowered my eyes like a guilty child as I walked to Taeyang.

“Where have you been? What happened?” He was so worried even his voice rose an octave higher than usual.

“That’s um… a long story.”

I glanced over my shoulder and blinked in surprise. Just now, Seung-Hyun had walked me out from the car all the way to the elevator but suddenly he was gone. Weird. During the ride, we hadn’t exchanged any words. He seemed to be really annoyed about ‘probably everything in the whole world’ and especially about my comments regarding his height and I was afraid to say anything in case he would really kiss me. It might have made the whole situation even worse. But he was a gentleman enough to me home, probably sensing my hesitation.  

Will I ever get over what happened yesterday? Probably no.

“Dara!” Taeyang grabbed my shoulders and shook me gently. “What’s going on?”

His eyes filled with worry and I wanted to tell him everything but I couldn’t open my mouth. I was suddenly too tired to even think about anything.

“Ahjumma told me that she saw some men taking you away. Do you know how worried I was? I called you million times, why don’t you pick up your phone? You should have at least called to tell me that everything is all right!”

“I’m sorry”, I whispered wearily. I just wanted to go home and sleep but Taeyang grabbed my wrist before I could pass him.

“Is that all you have to say?”

“I’m tired”, I sighed. “Just-“

“Tell me what happened!”

“I’ll tell you everything later. Just leave me alone!” It wasn’t my intention to yell but it just happened that way. I just…

Disappointment written all over his face he swallowed the words that he was going to say. I could tell he was angry and that I had hurt his feelings, but my mind was a mess and he was invading my privacy.

“I see”, he spat, his eyes growing darker.

For the first time, I saw that kind of cold look on his face and it startled me. As if a whole new side I never knew about him now surfaced and threatened to spill out. I tried to tell myself that it was my imagination but the way he glared me made me freeze. I suddenly felt like I didn’t know him at all.

Things are weird lately, nothing seems like it is…

“T-Tae?” I stuttered when he said nothing.

“If this is how you are going to treat me then I won’t give a either”, he hissed, the threatening darkness in his eyes only intensifying.

In shock, I watched him turn around and walk away, past the elevator and to the staircase. His decreasing footsteps echoed in the otherwise empty hallway just like his last words echoed in my empty mind. Never before had I seen him act this way, he rarely cursed let alone glared at anyone or anything with so much hatred.

What the hell just happened?

I understood him. He had been worried to death and I dismissed his feelings just like that, saying I wanted to be alone. He had come all the way to be with me, to comfort me, to listen to my worries… and what did I do? Damn, had I been him I would have probably flipped even harder.  

After stumbling into the apartment, I squatted in the hallway and buried my face into my knees. Taeyang’s reaction had been so unexpected and shocking it scared me because I suddenly felt like I didn’t really know him either. He rarely talked about his past or about himself in general and I often rambled about all sort of things, never even really asking him about anything. What does that make me then?

It had always been clear to me that I was a horrible person. I was simply a selfish who only cared about herself ignoring other people’s feelings. Stubborn and proud, I rarely spoke about how I really felt and that made people around me think I didn’t care about them. I thought Taeyang knew me well enough but then I realized that we had never been in a similar situation before. He didn’t know that whenever anyone tried to get closer to me I usually pushed those people away even if they had good intentions. When going through difficult times, I never spoke about it even to my closest friends and rarely asked for help or support. I was used to doing things on my own. That’s who I was.

Out of the blue, I thought about my ex-boyfriend. For sure, he had left me because of my difficult personality. I loved and trusted him yet we often got into fights. We had our happy times but I guess I never let him close enough and that’s what eventually made us drift apart. Before leaving, he did tell me that he felt like I didn’t love him enough. But what does it mean to love enough? He also mentioned something about feeling like being a replacement. But why all of a sudden? Why did he propose in the first place? So damn weird… Aish, I don’t know anymore!

If my life was a puzzle this would be the moment it would have fallen apart. Suddenly, there were so many pieces that simply didn’t fit the whole picture anymore.

So many different feelings ran through me – anger, disappointment, fear, sadness, agony. It was contradicting to feel so much at once and my heart swelled from anxiety with such intensity I thought it would explode soon. The apartment felt stuffy but I didn’t want to leave even though I wanted to.

I’m scared.

The sound of the lock snapping open made my heavy heart jolt painfully against the ribcage. No one was supposed to know that code, not even Taeyang. When I saw Seung-Hyun at the door my whole body stiffened and I fell on my behind from the squatting position. In a way, I was relieved it was him because I wasn’t ready for another kidnapping or whatever scary incident but at the same time, I didn’t want to be with him either.

“What? Why… how?” I muttered in confusion when he stepped in and closed the door.

“Are you all right?” His voice dripped with concern and it bothered me more than I could handle.

Why does he care? Why is he here? Why won’t he leave me alone?

“Dara?”

When he came closer I backed, sliding my behind along the floor until my back hit the wall. My eyes opened wide when he squatted in front of me, his warmth and scent invading my personal space. He smelled fresh and pleasant like always – a scent that reminded me of a fairy tale.

“What are you doing?” I croaked when his hand came closer to my face. He didn’t say anything but his hand stopped in the midair. “Don’t… come here”, I muttered in a voice I couldn’t even recognize. I was so shocked I thought I would faint soon. No matter how fast I breathed there didn’t seem to be enough air.

“It’s all right”, his voice was gentle and comforting but it made me feel cold. I closed my eyes and swallowed, pressing my back harder into the wall, wishing I could melt into it and disappear. I tried to gather my scattered thoughts but it was useless. I was panicking and I knew it. In that kind of state all strength left me.

“No, go away. Go away”, I cried out when he touched my arm. “Go away, please!”

Immediately he pulled his hand away.

“I want to be alone.” Tears slid down my cheeks and I didn’t attempt to wipe them. I couldn’t even breathe properly and the whole world became a blur to me. Right in front of Seung-Hyun – I broke.

Sensing movement beside myself, I blindly reached out my shaking hand and grabbed a fistful of Seung-Hyun’s shirt.

“Wait, don’t go.”

I’m not sure what came into me, but suddenly a thought about being alone scared me even more than having Seung-Hyun around. No matter if he was a stalker or a dangerous gangster.

“Don’t go”, I sobbed, pulling him closer. “Don’t leave me, don’t.” At this point, I wasn’t sure if I was talking to my ex-boyfriend, Ji Yong, Taeyang, or perhaps my mother. I just didn’t want to be alone. Not anymore. “Don’t go.”

Crying uncontrollably, I pressed my forehead against his chest and my trembling hands gripped on his clothes. My brain was telling me to let go and stop being so pathetic but no matter how hard I tried it didn’t work. He didn’t move, didn’t say a word and I wasn’t sure if he was even breathing. How I wish I had had enough courage to look up to see what kind of face he was making. His body seemed stiff but he soon relaxed and pulled me into a comfortable hug, his arms wrapping loosely around me.

“Shhh, it’s all right”, he soothed. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Strangely, his words comforted me and I leaned into him, sighing in relief. He my back and rested his cheek against my head. His tender embrace made me feel warm inside out, his touch, his every breath burned a mark on my heart. What the hell is wrong with me? 

“I’m sorry, baby”, he whispered in a pained voice. “I’m so sorry. Everything is my fault. I made a mistake. I won’t let anyone ever hurt you like that again, I promise. I promise…”

Eventually, my tears dried and my breathing became steady again but my eyelids felt heavier than ever. All that crying and panicking had taken the rest of my energy and I couldn’t even move a finger. Even when I tried to speak all words came out in a quiet slur. Seung-Hyun lifted me into his arms and carried my limp body to the futon. He rolled it open with his foot and laid me down, covering me with the comforter. Instinctively I grabbed his sleeve and he chuckled at my gesture.

“Don’t worry, baby…  I’m not going anywhere”, he rest assured with a hint of amusement and wiped my bangs off my face. “I’ll never leave you, Dara. I… I never did…”

What does he even mean? That confusing jerk…

Darkness engulfed me and I drifted into a peaceful sleep, momentarily forgetting about everything in the world. And when I opened my eyes again I felt recharged, my body was full of energy and my mind alert. And there was something heavy… Immediately, I sat up and moved backward, accidentally hitting the back of my head against the wall.

“Ouch.”

Seung-Hyun was still there. He had fallen asleep next to me, his hand resting on my back. I slept on my stomach and he was lying on his side, his face scrunched up into a dissatisfied frown. The futon wasn’t wide enough for two people to sleep comfortably and just now our feet had been tangled together, his face had been millimeters away from mine. He must have held me the whole night…

“Hey”, I whispered, poking him with my foot. “Wake up.”

Not a muscle on his face moved. A heavy sleeper, I see… Just like Ji Yong. How I am not surprised anymore…

“Seung-Hyun sshi, wake up. Wake up.” This time, I pushed him with my foot and he rolled on his back. Smacking his lips, he adjusted for a more comfortable position and continued sleeping.

“Yah!” I slapped his arm.

“Just five more”, he mumbled in his sleep. “One more minute.”

Heaving a sigh, I watched him in disbelief as he continued sleeping. I could have let him sleep and I would have, only if the doorbell hadn’t rung. Shieeet.

“Wake up, damn you!” I shook Seung-Hyun but to no avail, he wouldn’t wake up no matter what. So I did what I used to do to Ji Yong when he wouldn’t wake up, I tickled his sides.

Immediately Seung-Hyun’s eyes opened and he let out a quiet yelp, followed by a chuckle. “No, stop it”, he pleaded, trying to roll away from me.

“You better wake up good”, I growled as I followed him on my knees, my fingers always finding a place to tickle no matter how he struggled. I needed to tickle him thoroughly for him to be 100% awake. But… As always, things didn’t quite go like planned because I suddenly found myself pinned to the floor with Seung-Hyun’s handsome face above mine so close I felt h