Dear Hyungwon,

Always. Sincerely. With all my heart till it hurts. It's bad, very bad. I'm too attached to you, so enchanted. I was strong till you came into my life and being my big weakness. I was so independent till you came and made me so dependent with you. I was okay whenever I spent my free time alone but after you came, I'm used with your presence. 

Then you suddenly disappeared and left me clueless till I couldn't trace you. You left without any note for me. You let me waiting your arrival everyday and I don't know till when I must wait for you. I keep thinking what's going on with us. Every second you seem like further away and my hands aren't long enough to grab the edge of your shirt. You ran too fast till this human body couldn't chase you.

There was a time when I wanted to hug you and cry on your chest. There was a time when I wanted to laugh with you. There was a time when I hugged myself to make me calm like I used to do before I met you. Then there was a time when you suddenly appeared and I felt like I met a stranger. I know everything is always changed for every second but it hurts me when I don't really know what was changed from my own fiance. 

I don't know anymore. What am I to you? What are you for me? I wondered why you still stay around me till now. What do you want from me? If I willingly give you everything you want, will your feeling toward me still same like the first time you saw me?

I'm tired with this routine but I still believe that one day you will back to the old you that I used to know. I want to hold our red string cause I don't want to lose you. But I also feel the pain in the same time since I hold it too tight. Maybe it's my fault to love you a bit more. Maybe it's my fault to let myself being hurted. 

I'm so lonely, incomplete without you. My heart is getting cold so does the winter breeze. I'm afraid I can't see you, can't hear your voice, can't touch your body, can't hug you, can't inhale your calming scent, can't spend my whole time with you. But in the top of that, I'm afraid I will lose your love. I don't want to lose your love but I realise I shouldn't think about my own delusional happiness. I should think about your happiness. 

I just want you to be happy whether it's with me, with someone else, or with nobody. Your smile is everything for me. I don't want to see the sadness dancing in your eyes, especially if it's caused by me. If you're not happy with me, if you already bored with me, if you slowly fall out love with me, if you already met someone better than me and love that person more, I guess I will let you go. 

I really love you. That's why I don't want to hurt you and being hurted by you more than this. I want to be happy too. Maybe it's hard for me to be happy without you but I will try to survive and live properly without you. I shall learn to survive without you.

If we break up, I will cry. I won't lie and I never lie to you. Yes, I will cry a whole night, for weeks or maybe months. It's hard for me to forget you. You already engraved so deep onto my heart. I won't deny it. I know it will be painful for me, like an endless horrible torture. Thinking you will forget me and find someone new and being happy with that person when here I am, locking myself inside my room a whole day and crying till I'm fallen asleep and wakes up with swollen eyes in the next morning. Then it will be my new daily routine. 

Maybe I should move to another place which far away from you so I won't unconsciously move my feet and suddenly stop in front of your place, stand there for few minutes everyday, like a stalker. Maybe I will forget you in few years but I still can't comeback here. I'm afraid one day we will meet accidentally and all my efforts for years will breaking down into pieces after one second I see your silhouette. I'm afraid I can't control myself and my emotions. I'm afraid I will in love with you again and being so weak and fragile again in front of you. I'm afraid I can't live properly without you because I already in love with you deeply. 

I love you more than you know, more than you expected. So, please take my love with you. Bring it to wherever you go cause I don't need it anymore. No, when you're not around me. Let my love leads you to find your right girl. You believe I am your right girl. I believed it too till you're gone without a word. But now I realised that I might be your wrong girl. You need to pass me so you can meet your right one. I hope you will find that right girl who ways better than me. 

With this letter, I also want to return my engagement ring. I guess I couldn't wear or keep it any longer. I think I have no right to own it now. Goodbye, my last love. Goodbye. 

Amber