“NO!”

My eyes lit up from hearing the screams next door. Then, something snapped me out of it. "There, my alarm goes off." I groaned inwardly. It was mom's voice. In a while, I would hear some from dad for sure.

“Just no, Kevin. This time it’s your turn to go to Hyuna’s school meeting!”

I held in my breath from seconds to a minute before slowly exhaled. Out of habit, I did that in every morning.

“Ah yeah? Just when it’d be your turn then?”

Then one after another, I began to move my fingers and toes very gently, and carefully.

"Uh pleaseee, the talk is over!"

Muscle cramps or sometimes called as sleep paralysis was beyond horrible. I had been experiencing it since little, especially during moving into a new house. When it occurs, it as if your entire body doesn't belong to you. You are conscious but that's actually the most horrifying's part of all. Eyes opened but everything around you just froze. I swear if it is to happen to me once again, I'd just rather give up on sleep. 

“J-Just lower down your voice abit! Hyuna’s sleeping!”

Big girl don’t cry—mom said the last time she had agreed to accompany me to bed. Is ten year old already considered a big girl? I wished I would've asked her that. I had no other option but to just lived on those words. Maybe, maybe if I became independent, it could make them happy. Then maybe someday there would be less screaming in our house. If I stayed quietly.

“I’m off now!”

I just knew it was already morning. Not saying that I didn’t need a digital clock, watch, whatever but my parents already acted like one. They usually argued in morning since that was the only time they bumped into each other.

Remember what I’ve said before about scream? Not by its literal English’s meaning but its impact. In which, it seemed to relate to anything, everything but a blessing. Amidst all the screams thingy, they might’ve forgotten for one second that I existed, growing up, and remembering everything.

* * *

“Oh Hyuna, you’re already awake?” Mom stopped by the house balcony as she saw me there. It would've to take a miracle if she were able to remember the fact that I had always been there, waiting to talk to her.

“Honey, you’ve gained weight!” Her eyes dawned in horror. Stretching out her hand to one of my arms then tossing my body to the left, right...

‘Mom, I was just wearing more clothes than usual. It’s winter, remember?’ I replied inside my mind.

“Hyuna ah, listen dear.” Mom jabbed at her temple with a finger. She appeared very distressed. For all the world, I wished I could've done something to enlighten her.

But, I’ll never be able to. It’s just the way I am. I hated to react. Because too much emotion would only make me feel lonelier.

Mom swivelled her head to look at me. Eye to eye contact. “About the parent's meeting in school, either one of us should be good right?” The moment those words burst from , I couldn't help but to let out a chuckle. Whenever they were together, something uncomfortable deemed to happen. It was better this way. As long as one attended, as long as they come.

“This year, it’s going to be your dad’s turn.” She flashed a smile before walking away while taking sips from the cup she was holding from before. "Uh, by the way." The cup was raised a little higher above her head, and without looking back, she shouted,  "Thanks for the coffee." 

Watching her walking away like that wasn't abnormal. It happened countlessly, more than enough to paralyze one's heart. For one moment, I wanted to forget then at the next seconds, I desperately wanted to disappear. These were the thoughts I'd been having since eleven—the same year that Jiyeon departed from my life. Every time I closed my eyes, she was there—in front of my mind's eye. As though my brain wouldn't forget.

'Paralyze me. And never wake me up ever again.'