[March, 2014]

“What are you doing in here?” 

Seven months ago, before the accident, mom had always been my heartstrings. Her wishes were at my top priority; I did everything, blatantly everything she'd asked me to. Every seconds in my life, I tried real hard to live up to her expectations. Then, there was me who existed for the so-called great purpose, only to hit on a realization that long ago, I was replaced unknowingly—by their second marriage

Never in all eighteen years had I imagined that in every moments, mom and dad were having someone else more important than me. And out of the blue, at the current state we were in, I had learned to living, and breathing with the facts that she was now a mother who currently living with her not-so-new family– someone, who at this very moment, still able to drown me out of everything else...

'A liar.'

A frown was flashed across her round face; a face I hadn't seen for a while. Backpack slid down my arm as I shot another glance. In that brink of time, I noticed her face went from pink to deadly pale. I was taken aback. Her eyes flickered too often which heightened all the senses in my system. I closed my eyes; a warm fall breeze fluttered in as I breathed it in. The fallen leaves smelt so wonderfully that it managed to spark some of the old memories with Han Jiyeon, my first friend. And how in the world I would not remember her?

She died in front of me. Head smashed into pieces. 

'Song Hyuna...why didn't you scream?'

In an instance, a vivid voice whispered from nowhere. I begun to breathe haltingly as a surge of something struck inside my chest. My eyes flung opened, just to envision a lucid image of her. The air suddenly felt chillier, as if somebody was watching; A phenomenon which snapped every now and then ever since the accident seven months ago.

"Hyuna..." Mom gestured one of her hands at my direction. I glanced back only to realize that she had cut her hairs shorter.

Or was it longer?

I kept on wondering what had made me so reluctant of recalling our past. Could depression caused this as well? Every time we were looking at one another, it felt so blank and unreachable. Whatever that was buffering inside my brain shattered a second later as I realized that she tried to hide something behind her. 

"I-I was j-just..." Her voice quavered. I figured it out the moment she threw that 'something' inside one of the luggages on my bed. However, I didn't entirely lost the chance to investigate. At one glimpse, I recognized the luggage with a red sticker on, along with the label: Song Hyura. It was Eunjung's. One of the things I borrowed from her the other day when I was discharged from the ward just one day earlier than her.

While I was immersed with my own thoughts, mom already shifted to the right side of the bed. "Honey, who is...Cha Eunjung?" She asked unblinkingly. As if her first time to come across Eunjung's name. An act that came as no surprise from someone like her, who'd actually chosen to lie above everything else. 

I resisted not to roll my eyes almost immediately. A sudden rush of rage tingled against my skin. Is that woman really was my mother? The same thoughts darted through my mind: what is wrong with this people called 'family'? Do I actually need to spell out each of my friends' name, state a valid reason as to why we've befriended one another?

"Cha Eunjung. Who's that girl?" Her both hands now placed on hip. Numbness spread inside my chest the second she asked again. After that point, everything just appeared very annoying to me. 

"Hyuna sweatheart..." My heart leapt, pounded in my throat, threatened to explode at any time. On my own, I still couldn't believe this was the same heart that so used of absorbing tender love from her in the past. From the similar person.

Mom hissed. Her face reddened. I wouldn't try to guess what emotions she could've stored inside. I could've just ignored it. I wished, but I couldn't and nothing would afford to change. Not anymore. It happened. A reality that only I didn't know of.

"Honey, you're going to move tomorrow, remember?" I thought I had stared at her face long enough to trace for any abnormalities. That would've given me strength to keep the belief that lies couldn't be all that wrong, hurtful, just like scream...

"Look at your room! Nothing is packed..." Her hands were bouncing on the air. Nitpicking on every single thing I should've done—that could be done without her. 

I just stood there putting on the most ignorance face I had. Both arms folded against my chest while I let her gave vent to her anger rather than saying anything that would only lengthen our conversations.

“We need to talk.” On the next seconds, her voice echoed inside the room.

A rush of anger caused me to throw a hand up. “About what? Ah...about how you and dad had a family outside?” I squinted hard, uttered through gritted teeth. It really had to sound as icily as the blood that coursed through my veins each time their lies resurfaced. And here we go again, this never ending vicious cycle.

She meekly lowered her head. “No. You know that already.” She answered in one breathe. Then, I caught myself pursing my lips, desperately wanting to squeeze for any signs of guilt on her face.

My eyed followed her as she walked over me to close the door before us. My heart skipped a beat as I smelled her ever familiar chocolate scent. Nothing in her preferences I wouldn't know and yet nothing in her that I was really sure of. 

“How was your appointment with the psychiatrist?” She asked tonelessly. Just like your average, boring dinner's chat. 

I looked past her as my eyes darted between the window and the clock on the wall. What for she asked all that if it was just to fill in the blank? And why even, she casually in hurry to touch on that topic without any trail of 'guilt' on her face, tone, gesture, or whatever. I swallowed hard, hoping to fight back.

“I have a date with Kai,” At last, the words blurted from my mouth. My shoulders fell simultaneosuly. At this point of time, resolution was no longer my destination, but revenge, yes. And so, I deliberately chose to mention Kai. It'd pissed her off. It definitely will. I was going out with Kai nowadays. She had someone to inform all those details to her. Like, of course she'd dislike the idea of me with a delinquent. A total crash toward her respectable lecturer's image.

Frowned, she eyed me carefully. I saw the skin between her foreheads creased. For the next seconds, an odd warmth spread inside my chest.

I didn't even have the slightest clue of what was going on. After the lies had surfaced, I kept on looking for clues in everything – why did they lie? what was the rationale of hiding their second families from me? Even if it was just for one second, shouldn't they consider my feelings first? If I didn't happen to see them at Meridian Highlands before the accident, I wouldn't have known it. And before I had further chance to buffer all the lies that were built since I was born, they just decided that I was mature enough to consider things as it was. 

“You’re not acting like yourself. Please," she said followed with a sigh. "Do not hurt yourself this way.” She pointed a finger in the mid air, as if intended to hover it toward me but it didn't. She hesitated.

“Did I?” I took a step back, raising an eyebrow. "And why couldn't you think of the opposite?" I almost shouted in frustation. "Did I commit a sin?" A reluctant sigh released at the end of my raging questions for her.

I slanted a glance and our eyes locked upon each other. Alternate mementos of laughter and nightmares marched inside my head, reminded me of the distresses that shadowed my everyday lives for the past seven months. Battling with my own conflicting sides, those words I registered in my brain couple of minutes ago disappeared, evaporated. Inwardly, I wanted to yell at them of how hurt I was, then,  but I just couldn't bring myself to voice it out. All the unspeakable words, rage, and pain grew insidiously in my chest, almost deafening.

“Stop all these madness." Mom straigtened her posture, as if trying to make herself more composure. Chin lift, she continued, "Don’t mingle your precious life with someone like Kai, or create random stories..." she was about to roll eyes but at last for whatever reason, she didn't manage to. I stood there guarded, just wanting to watch at her nagging face. A little longer, perhaps more. Because deep inside, I missed her so so much.

"If you’re doing that to rebel, sorry darling but you’re only causing pain to yourself, not us. You’re eighteen, eighteen!" My heart reared up like a startled horse. Eighteen, huh? Yeah right. It took eighteen years for me to realize you guys were nothing but bunch of liars.

Mom tapped at her nape repeatedly as her voices spiked, "You’re mature enough to define what’s right and what’s not…”

Virtuousness (the quality of doing what's right and avoiding what is wrong). I felt so devoid of of life as she began to even nag about that. Really, it didn't serve the justice for her to hit on that topic. She'd only ruin its significance.

All these years, I followed their ridiculous expectations without a second to spare. To please them in any way I could and all of it stood for one solid reason – I wanted them to be proud and love only me. ME. But all in all, they had chosen to lie. They pushed me over the edge, made me pondered upon every single thing and each string of words that they had said – thus, what is real? From the beginning, were they really with me? 

The ringing of cell phone breathed life back into me. A sigh escaped my lips, relieved that I wouldn't have to hear the repeated rants from her.

“Eunjung ah, have you reached already? No worries, I’ll be there in twenty minutes. All right, see you there.”

I ended the call with a swift before throwing it on the bed. Tipping my head toward the door, I signaled to her that I need to get dressed so she would've to leave.

“Honey, please take a good care of your health, okay?" She actually blinked tears and it manage to send a jolt to my spine. "You've been sick since the accident...but since you met with that girl, your manners...”

When I saw her eyes brimmed with tears, there was this terrible sensations drumming against my chest. It struck me right away that I wasn’t the least happy to see her current state. Though I hated to admit that she was right but in the end, nothing mattered. True, I was inflicting pain to none other than myself.

“Are you going out again?” she asked; the tone of her voice etched with worries.

I nodded absently as I turned and headed toward my wardrobe. I pretended to appear busy, occupying myself with choosing the right clothes to wear, but all the while, my eyes were slanted at her. For all the world, I wanted her to console me, plaited my head like she used to do every time I was about sleep and, her to ask many other things about schools, gossips, girly stuff – just like how things used to be between us in the past.

But, no. She just left.

Unlike them, who seemed to move on easily with their current families, I, on the other side of the world, was stucked in the same damn place, innocently believed I still remained their precious princess who they couldn't live without.

Because of them, promise was the worst reasons ever exist, second to...her.