C.8

She tucked her gloved-yet-still-cold hands into her coat’s pockets as she walked towards a very familiar place. It has been a whole year since she’s met with Wheein, half a year since her breakdown and three months since she last visited her hometown. She took in the cold air, her lungs surprised by the change in temperature and she heaved as it got a little uncomfortable but nevertheless, she continued on with her walk, a thin layer of snow crunched under her feet. It was a white Christmas last December and she barely remembered celebrating it with a cake and a brief escape to play with the snow with the kids from the ward.

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Her health had deteriorated all the while neglecting her well-being when she broke down, causing her to faint from hunger and dehydration just as she stepped out after listening to the voice mail. She was brought to the hospital and while she recovered easily, the doctors were reluctant to let her go as she had tried escaping the hospital at the darkest hour of the night. They were afraid that she was going to go off doing something stupid which will land her back to the hospital so they kept her for as long as they could. Days and weeks passed by and slowly she’s starting to warm up to the staffs, her once-jaded self began to fade away and she started to feel alive again. Feeling in the dumps for a long time really intensified the emotions resurfacing from deep inside so it felt weird and oddly satisfying again for her to feel.

Once in awhile (more like twice a day), her mind would drift back to Wheein, wondering what would it be like to spend time with her, wondering if she would scold her for being an idiot, wondering if she would sing her a lullaby, wondering if she would hold her hands while she sleeps and it went on and on until a tear escaped from her eyes. Even so, she learned that what makes their time even more special was the memories etched into their heart. She’s learned that an event must pass by so it would become a memory and she’s learned that even when everything seemed unfair and cruel, she would still have the memories to hang on to. While in the hospital, she started to appreciate living. She had seen several people going in and out - either they made it breathing or they went out the morgue - and when she wandered around (not trying to escape this time), she saw kids no more than 6 or 7 years old lying down on their bed in the children's ward, hooked to an IV and/or a heart monitoring device and her heart clenched. There are people actually fighting to live but she had nearly thrown out her own because she couldn’t deal with a heartbreak. She had argued with herself that it hurts so much, that it was okay to be free of it by dulling her emotions and senses and stopped caring but through the kids, she regained her spirits to see the end of it. She had figured that she has long recovered from the malnutrition and the dehydration but that the doctors were holding her back because they were afraid for her mental health. Anyways, she was out of the white building after a month (Thank goodness for insurance).

After getting back onto her feet, she decided to go back to her - their - hometown and once she’s arrived, she sat on the bench for hours before she managed to conquer her fear to call the number from where Wheein conveyed her last words.

“Hello?”

‘Hello, may I ask who is it?”

“I-I’m a friend. Of… W-Wheein.”

She could hear a stifled sob from the other end of the phone so she waited for the person to calm down, holding back her own tears.

‘I’m so sorry. Are you perhaps... Hyejin?’

“That’s me.”

‘Whe-That child, she- she called out your name every night.’

She gripped her phone hard, afraid that she’ll break down yet again and lose control of herself but she croaked out four words painfully.

“Can I visit her?”

And so she hopped the next train over to Jeonju.

When she arrived at the memorial site, her steps got heavier each time she passed rows of framed pictures but she pushed on forward until she saw Wheein’s slot and the tulips in her hand nearly dropped to the ground. There she was, wearing the exact same outfit when they first met - pastel blue blouse and  jeans - and she was smiling a smile that reached to her eyes, Hyejin’s favorite dimple sunken so deep that she had the urge to poke it the second time she went over to the bookstore. Her tears flowed down without restraint, her heart was in pain and it clenched uncomfortably but it felt oddly liberating. She had been grieving for so long without knowing the reason but when she had listened to Wheein’s voice mail, it hurt like hell for Hyejin and it took her awhile to regain her footing about it but while she was unintentionally soul-searching in the hospital, she began to see things more clearly and it hurt a little less that Wheein didn’t leave her behind for some unknown reason but Hyejin admitted that it stung knowing that Wheein hid her cancer from her.

Hyejin spent one whole hour looking at the framed picture, thinking of their memories together and sometimes she would smile at a fond memory and then the waterworks threatened to spill but she kept a small smile on her face. If she’s to send her off without regrets, she figured she should do Wheein one last favour so no matter how her heart breaks or how she just want to crumple to the ground and sob, she looked directly at Wheein’s lively eyes and smile. Her last words before she left was whispered but she was sure Wheein could hear it.

‘I love you too, Jung Whee In.’

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With keys in her hand, she unlocked the door leading to a place she had called home for the past month. She took off her coat, hanging it neatly on the coat hanger and the heater after she took off her gloves. She stood in the middle of the room, taking in all the details of how the bookshelves were arranged, how the books were categorized to series, authors and alphabets and the cafe counter where there was equipment to brew coffee, pans to cook some light meals and ovens for baked goods. She had tried replicating the image from her memory since everything was taken apart when the cafe bookstore was sold. With permission from Wheein’s parents, Hyejin had bought back the store after she sold off her apartment and used up all her savings on it despite what Wheein’s parents had said.

“We sold it off to her uncle... But if you wish, you can have it.”

“I’m buying it from him.”

“You can just have it. For everything you had done for our child, you deserve it.”

“I apologize but I can’t do that. Please, let me pay for it.”

She made her way upstairs to the room where she had a sleepover with Wheein and greeted their picture together with a smile before changing into a more comfortable clothes for work and went downstairs to start on with the croissants and bagels. Putting on the music over the speakers, she hummed along to the music and she had rhythms in her steps and soon she was singing out loud. Over the upbeat song and her own voice, she hadn’t noticed the bell at the door jingling and she had certainly not expected anyone to come by, especially since she haven’t turned the sign to ‘OPEN’ just yet.

“HELLO?”

“HELLO? I HEAR YOU SINGING!”

It took a few more screaming and eventually the person stood at the counter and guiltily hit the tabletop so she could get Hyejin’s attention. Soon after, Hyejin finally realized the presence of another person in the store.

“I’m so sorry about that but we’re not open yet..?”

“Actually… I’m here for you,” the person who’s wearing a black tee under a red wine coat and is probably 1.8cm taller than Hyejin said.

“Me?”

“Hyejin right? Nice to finally meet you. I’m Wheein’s messenger.”

“W-W-Wheein?”

“Let’s get the goodies out of the oven first. We need to sit.”

Hyejin quickly switched off the ovens, not caring whether the croissants and bagels were finished or not and threw open her apron but not forgetting her manners to serve the ‘young lady who could be no more than 3 years older than her’ coffee.

“Thank you.”

“What do you mean you’re ‘Wheein’s messenger’?”

“I have a letter for you from her. I’m so sorry it took so long for me to get it to you. I figured it’s best that I’m the one giving it to you but I haven’t had the time to give it to you,” she apologized as she handed a sealed envelope to Hyejin.

“A letter? For me?”

“Yes. Now that I’ve done as she asked for, I shall give you the privacy and excuse myself,” she stood back up and was ready to leave when Hyejin stopped her.

“I’m sure I didn’t catch your name, Miss…?”

“Byulyi, Moonbyul Yi. Wheein’s a precious younger sister of mine.”

“Byulyi...unnie, thank you.”

“If anything, I should thank you. You know? Wheein, she never stopped talking about you until the very end.”

Hyejin retreated back to her room after locking the front door and switching off the lights, all the while holding the envelope in her hand. Her hands shook as she tore open the envelope, barely registering anything else.

Hyejin?

I hope this letter makes it way to you safely... I trust Byul-unnie to do it.

I’m not sure what should I write; it’s really awkward isn’t it? I imagined that you’re angry at me for suddenly disappearing like that and that’s what you’re supposed to feel. I did disappear on you, hiding stuff from you even when I promised to share everything with you. I’ve never been good at expressing myself (and so do you) so I kept it to myself but it’s worse than I thought and if I had told you, I would never again see your smile that I love and I would hate myself more if that happened. I guess, it’s selfish of me.

I don’t want you to cry over me anymore. I don’t want you to be sad just because I’m not there anymore. That’s my sincerest wish for you.

My journal… you’ve seen it before, right? It’s still there in the store at the drawer in the back room. Keep it as a memento to relieve our memories together but don’t let it chain you to the past. I told Byul-unnie about it too so she’ll keep an eye on you and I told her to destroy it if you’re stuck.

Turn over to the last page.

Love,

Wheein

Hyejin rushed downstairs, nearly tripping over nothing but managed to catch herself and cursed for not leaving any lamp on since it was too dark to see anything. Nevertheless, she made it to the backroom and saw the aforementioned drawer and suddenly she was nervous. Is she ready to do as Wheein said and do not fall back into the abyss? Her hands still reached for the drawer and the once-black cover was turning light gray and her eyes immediately saw the drawing sitting next to it and despite herself, her lips curled into a smile. She brought the journal and the drawing with her and she sat on the sofa where they had sat for Hyejin’s birthday celebration. It took her awhile but as she turned to the last page, there was a mixture of joy and bitterness as she read the line:

I’m entrusting my heart to you, take care of it for me?

- E N D -