C.7

The fear of losing someone and actually losing them are two separate, distinct but deeply interconnected things.

Fearing of the loss can be because we’ve been through rejections and abandonment and we’ve lost the ability to trust the other party because of it. But also, fearing for the loss would mean that we feel or believe that the other person doesn’t love us more than we love them or if they do love us at all. Being dependent on other people, leaning back to them whenever a storm passes, we forget how to stand by ourselves so the fear intensifies as we become more and more dependent on them.

Actually losing someone will trigger the widely-known 5 stages of grieving; denial, anger-slash-frustration, bargaining, depression or overwhelming sadness and finally, acceptance. A loss can be loosely used to refer someone’s passing, a breakup, a long-time separation and “losing someone to the other side.” The phrase in the quotation can have a variety of meaning; losing someone to drug or alcohol addiction, losing someone when they let go of their grip on reality, losing someone as they crossed over the line to commit a crime and et cetra. An actual loss can possibly break the left ones, sending them over the edge of their sanity until at some point, they either accept the loss or they stopped feeling emotions, numbed by the pain.

For Wheein, the fear of losing Hyejin made her determined to spend each and every day with her in the most YOLO style where she did what she want as she pleases. She stopped dwelling on her past; the loss of her grandfather, the heartbreaks from the past and her decision to move up to Seoul. She looked forward to each and every new day that she would spend with Hyejin before the inevitable separation.

For Hyejin, she actually lost Wheein as she was too absorbed to maintain what they have and kept looking back fondly on their memories together. She relished the moment when they first met where it successfully freed her from the bindings of responsibilities even just for a little bit. Wheein taught her to have fun when all she could think of was studying her off and got a degree to pay everything back to her parents for loving her unconditionally.

Perhaps, the time they spent were meant to be touch and go; Hyejin touched Wheein with love while the latter touched Hyejin with freedom. Nothing lasts forever and everything, good or bad, will come to an end sooner or later. For both of them, the dream-like times that they share closed the curtains sooner than they were prepared for. Or at least, for Hyejin.

Hyejin, if I’m not here, will you promise me that you’ll take care of yourself?

Wheein-ah, what are you talking about?

Just, if. If I disappeared, will you be fine by yourself?

Stop it. You’re not going anywhere, I won’t let you.

But she did disappear, and Hyejin was not there to stop her or at least see her off. She had regretted not answering her question, her mind kept replaying the scene - in fast forward, slow motion and even in reverse. At that point, she was sure that she’s lost it. She beat herself up over it, unable to form any coherent words or thoughts to come up with an excuse to skip classes and even invitations to hang out from her other ‘friends’. She ended up sitting in her living room, eyes red and puffy from all the crying and empty cans of beer clattered around her and she confined herself inside her house for the whole time, ignoring the hundreds of miss calls and texts.

After three whole weeks of moping, she had started cleaning up the mess, started picking herself up piece by piece but she never felt whole again. She took a semester off university seeing as there is no use for her to attend classes and not pay attention a.k.a wasting her parents’ money, quitting all her part time jobs and still locking herself up in her apartment. She’s had lost cherished people in her life before but it was never a surprise; there would be a telling but there was none of that when it came to Wheein. Maybe she had known in her subconsciousness, that she had said goodbye but Hyejin was probably in denial, that there is no way that their perfect time together will never come to an end, like in fairytales where everything went well with a happy ending. After all, it was her first time finding her happiness that she thought she would never experience in her lifetime but it was too good to be true. She’s learned that happy things won’t last forever - and deep in her heart, a whisper said that the same applies to bad things but she was too lost, too sad to see past everything. She couldn’t imagine living, moving on, without Wheein.

It was by coincidence, one rainy evening, that she decided to go through the endless texts and missed calls from family and friends alike when she came across an unfamiliar number calling her twice and leaving her a voicemail. Her finger hovered over the number, hesitating, but eventually she clicked open the voicemail and brought her phone to her ears. She was so close to dropping her phone when she heard a very familiar voice and tears immediately cloud her vision and she willed herself not to break down before she went through everything.

H-Hyejin? Uh, it’s, uh, me. I don’t know where to begin. I-I- You see, I’m not here anymore. I’m- I’m sorry. It’s-uh- pre-recorded so by the time you listened to this, I won’t be around...anymore. I’m really sorry I decided to leave like that. I don’t want you to watch me- uh- wither away. I-I just can’t. You know, I really liked you. Like really. I’m sorry for being so unfair. I knew what was going to happen, darn, I in’ knew but- Hyejin-ie I’m so sorry. I-uh- Oh god, I was so selfish. I can’t even trust myself anymore, to say confidently I cared for you when I’m just a self-centered piece of -ugh! I really do care for you, I do, but I’m such a trash. I- Thank you. Even just for a bit, you made me feel alive and that’s saying a lot, y’know, considering.

Hyejin, I’ll feel better if you’re mad at me and not at yourself. Move on, forget about me, I’m just a fleeting small paper boat. I- played you, I hurt you, I broke you. I know you. You’re strong but your heart is delicate. I hate that I hurt you and I hate myself for using you to be happy. I hate myself for being so weak and fragile so please, please, live your life. Don’t end up like me. Don’t be so hung up on me. I’m not gonna be there and I can never will so take care of yourself. Don’t exact revenge against me by destroying your life. I’ve hurt you enough; I don’t want you to go through what I did. It hurts Hyejin-ah, it hurts. It hurts more than the actual pain I’m feeling. I can’t go peacefully because I left you but it’s better than to have to see you in pain. Every day, your smile gave me strength…. so I prefer to go seeing your smile on your face rather than an agonized expression.

Hyejin…. I’m so sorry for being selfish from the start till the end.

I…. I love you Ahn Hyejin.

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