CHAPTER 9

'Okay Taeyeon you called me and i belive is not only to have a nice chat with me isn't?'

I smiled, she knows me really well, and she should, she is my best fried after all.

'I did it Yul... I read it.'
She looked at me confused at first, of course she knows what im talking about but maybe she can't belive we are talking about the same thing.
Her face, changed, her eyes and mouth were wide open and she was mute.

'You read it...' she said. 'Are you talking about Tiffany's letter?'
I nod.

"This is getting harder and harder everytime TaeTae..." I knew what she was talking about.

Since she started going to college and i started working full time for a Music company writing songs for their singers, it was hard to spend time together.
At the end, i convinced her to aplly and go to college.
We never speak about her sickness and when we do it is for me to tell her that she is goingto be fine.

She is getting this new treatment that is making her feel a little bit better lately, so i asked her to go to college.
I didn't want her to feel like a sick person, i know she does feels like that but, going to school, and do normal things makes her feel a little bit normal.
Of course i'm always aware of how she feels, even if she doesn't tell me, I know.

"I know, i'm sorry Fanny, my boss was all over me this last two weeks. I needed to finish this songs for a guy."
"Can i see the lyrics?" for some reason, that always cheer her up, read the songs she knows i make thinking about her.
"That's why i'm here, i want to know what do you think about them."
"I'm sure i'm gonna love them." I hugged her from the back and she turn her face to kiss my cheek.

We were quiet, watching our tree, just a few weeks ago, the last time we were here, she carve our "Love mark" on this beautiful tree.

"we can barely see each other and I..." she stopped.
"go on baby, you what?"
"I came to belive that maybe it was because of my sickness, maybe it was too much for you... maybe is better if we do stay away. Maybe it will be eas..."

I kissed her. I didn't want to hear her saying things like that, because my life is over if she ever leave me.

Maybe that's why everytime we start to talk about her sickness and the average age of mortality i change the subject.

I think i'm not going to be able to keep living if she ever leaves me.

"Shut up." 
"I miss you..." she said, and i could hear the hurt in her voice. She really belives that i'm running away from her, that i want an escape... And she is wrong.

And what came out of my lips, even i couldn't belive i said it...

I thought about it, but i thought that i was never going to be able to say it out loud. But, what the hell? I was getting really good money, i was making my carreer, and i was sure i was not going to regret it

And i didn't.

"Move in with me".

'You want to share it?'
'No...' i whispered. My eyes were on the table between us. 'Not Yet...'
'Okay...' she shaid and i looked at her. She was smiling, her eyes where full with tears. 'Im happy that you opened that letter Tae.'
A shy smiled formed on my lips.
'I't means that you are getting there... you are healing.'
'I don't know if i want to heal...' i said. And like reading my mind she said.
'Healing, doesn't mean you are forgetting her. Healing means to go on with your live, thinking about the day you meet her again while you keep living, for you...'

I smiled again.
'I'm so happy for you boddy.'
'There's more...' i said.
'O-kay...'
'I want to make an Album... a New one... I want to sing the songs... no one else can sing this songs but me.'

"Tae! I'm home! Can you come and help me?'
"I'll be right there!!" i yelled from my studio, i was working so hard in this new painting...
"Taeyeon!!" oups, i think i'm way into this that i forgot i had to help her.

I went down and i saw her putting everything she bought up, yeah, since the moment she moved in with me i don't have to worry about get the groceries...
Not that i asked her to... she said that if i do the shoppings i buy only junk food and candies... and she is not wrong.

I walked all the way to her and hugged her from behind.

She smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

I still remember how hard was for us to start living together, not because we didn't want it but her mom was not sure about the idea... she has always been very overprotective with her, and living in a place where she couldn't see her everytime she feels week, well... she was nervous, mostly because i took her daughter from home and she was only nineteen years old... She only accepted it because me, at the young age of twenty-two i was making more money than most of people my age, and i was responsible... but Tiffany was her Daughter.

I had to give her the spare key i had from my apartment, so she can come everytime she wants, mostly if im working but i regreted almost right away... That lady always comes in the most inappropriate moments...

"Tae... i'm tired... i think i'll go to sleep for a while...'

I smiled, kissed her on the cheek and helpped her to go to our room...

Our Room... sounds so perfect...

As soon as she got into bed she fell asleep.

We've lived together for more than a Year now and i've seen what the disease is doing to her...
With the new experimental treatment she was improving, but lately, she is no more getting better... I think i see her more and more tire with the time passing...

I'm starting to Fear for the worst...

'Are you sure about this buddy?' She looked at me, waiting for an answer... 'This songs... are diferent...'
'From what i used to write?' i smiled 'Of course... Because i am not the same person either.'
'This songs... are way too personals...'
'Thats why i dont want anyone to sing them but me...'

She looked again the songs i gave her to read... 

'Okay... I'll make the arragements.'
'Thanks Yul...'
'Are you sure about this??' I nod.. 'Okay buddy... by the way... this songs are gorgeous...' She smiled at me 'Could you please sing this one for me to hear it?? i need to have an idea how this sounds...'

I knew she would ask something like that... 
I nod again and went to the piano...

Fare thee well, little broken heart
Downcast eyes, lifetime loneliness

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Constant longing for the perfect soul
Unwashed scenery forever gone

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

"Hello??? TaeTae??" there she is... Gosh she looks gorgeous...

"Tae??? why is everything so dark??" Come on... keep walking, come over here...
"TaeTae?" and then she saw it... The whole dinner i had planned for her... To celebrate our Anniversary.

Is december... Is snowing outside and she went shopping with her mom... Of course it was something we planned so i can prepare al l this...
She noticed it too... she knows Tiffany is not responding to the treatment anymore... She knows, just like me...

We met eachother six years ago... It feels like a whole live and at the same time, is not enough for me...

"Hello Beautiful..." i said, coming out from the place i was hidding.
'Hi babe... What is this?" she said with tears in her eyes... And damn, only god knows how much i love her
"Is our Anniversary dinner... i prefer to have it at home this year..." i said smiling...
"It looks beautiful..." she came closer to me and kissed me.

I helpped her to sit at the table... latetly she has been weaker than before so after the shopping with her mom i'm pretty sure she is tired.

We ate, talked and laughed.

Until the moment came... i was so nervous. Never felt this nervous actually...

I knelt down in front of her... and with all the love i had for her, i asked her to be my wife...

And she... She said Yes...

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

We got married at the end of spring... after my birthday but before hers...

Was a simple wedding, with our friends there...
Yuri as my best woman... and Jessica as her Bridemaid... 
She looked beautiful... She was the only person i wanted to be with

So i said my vows
"I never thought i would find someone i wnated to spend the rest of my life with... Until i met you...
Tiffany, now my life is yours and my Love is only for you...
From now on i'll be yours and you will be always mine...
I'll hold you, take care of you, love you.
I will be by your side at every moment and i'll stay here for ever.
You are everything to me... My life...My Pasion...
And i know, i could ever live without you anymore..."

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours...

"Since i was little, i knew that my life was ending...
 I prayed and cryed until i accepted it...
But know Tae i wont cry or pray anymore...
I will fight to be with you... i will fight till my last breath to make you happy the rest of our lives together...
I never thought that a simple Hello would give me the most amazing experience i have ever lived...
Thats why, i wanted to thank you my love...
Thank you because in the midst of pain, you brought comfort...
In the midst of fear you saw me brave...
In the midst of dispair you brought love...
And in the midst of Death you brought me to life...

No love left in me
No eyes to see the heaven beside me
My time is yet to come
So I'll be forever yours

Whatever walks in my heart will walk alone

Our honeymoon is the last happy memorie i have with her...

We spend our honeymoon in the beach... It was her fist time on the beach...
She fell in love with the landscape and i fell in love more and more with her...

After that, when we came back, she got worst...
The disease was winning the battle...
And i was the most desperate a human being on earth...

I remember, every time i was with her in the hospital... she asked me to take her home,,,
"I want to spend my last moments at the place where i was the happiest person..."
"Shut up..." i told her with tears falling down my eyes... "This is not the end Fanny, you will get better... we have a lot of time to spend together..."

At the end... I took her home, when she wasn't able to move her legs anymore...
I hired a nurse, she was with her the whole time... same as me...
I stopped going to work... i knew i will get fired... but i didn't care... At the end, Yuri helpped me to keep the job... but i could not write anymore...
I was broken and all i wanted was to Die with the woman next to me...

"Is this perhaps our last goodbye TaeTae?" she used to asked every night, before sleep. "Perhaps for tomorrow i wont wake up anymore..."
"Dont say that Fany..." 
"Tae, What was summer like for you?? For me, was the happiest moment of all..."
She used to ask those kind of questions... of course i always tried to answer everything she asked.
"It was the heaven on earth my love... It was the best that ever going to happen to me..."

I couldn't help it... i cried everytime before going into her room...
She knew it... but never said anything... Everytime she always had a smile on her face... The smile that i loved so much...
"Is this our last goodbye?"
"Is not..." I answered. "Because... What's tomorrow with out you??"
"Another day... Tae... I love you..."

Not long, after that night and a couple more... her heart, tired already, stopped beating. At the middle of the night... The next day...

She didn't woke up.

Tears...that's what i can see running down yuri's cheeks...
I chuckled

'Tae, that song... is beautiful..' she wiped her tears and smiled... 'I can't wait to hear the other ones...'
I smiled and nod... i had nothing else to say...

We said our goodbyes and Yuri left. She promised to call as soon as she knows when i can start recording the songs.

I went back to the Studio and found the letter that Fany wrote for me...

I open it and star reading again...

------Dear TaeTae-----

I know this might be hard for you to read... Certainly it's hard for me to write it...
there are some things that i always wanted to tell you... i just never knew how...

I know, for the time you'll be reading this, things will have changed... Time will have passed...
I know you very well, i think more than anyone so i can tell that you are not going to find this until you feel at least a little bit better...
That's why i'm putting this next to the most precious thing you ever gave me... Sheetal.
And i know the grieving is not going to allow you to come into the studio...

I hope, that for the moment you read this, everything feels better...

I remember the day i knew i was in love with you... it was my birthday, that amazing day where you gave me Sheetal...
I always used to tell you this, the look in your face whenever you are jelouse... I love it...
It makes me feel like i am the most precious person for you, like if without me... you cant exist no more...
It makes me feel loved...

The day i introduce my college friends... You knew Eli used to like me...
That day i asked you why, if you were jelous didn't say anything... and you said... Because you trusted me and loved me...
Taeyeon i can't put in words what everything you did for me means to me...

I know you're sad... And i know. that even when you are reading this means you feel better, there is this part of you that is still suffering...
I'm not going to pretend and tell you that you should not.. because i am the one who is leaving you... and i have no idea how much suffering you are dealing with...
But i am going to tell you, that i don't regret anything... Every single second i spend with you, totally worth it... even those when we were fighting...

I know at first is going to feel like awful, but it'll get better, i promise.
Please... just remember, life is the most beatiful miracle that exist, and after i'm gone... please don't waist yours...

You'll be mad, and probably going to hate me for leaving... I undertstand it... don't worry
I love you and will ever will...

And Dont you cry my love... or Suffer over me...
You have to know that somewhere... I will be waiting for you...

Remeber, Angels never fade away and in this moment, i promise you, i'll be you guardian angel...
I'll be watching over you for every second, and every step of your life...

Tae... keep living, move on with your life, that's the better way to show how much you loved me...

Thank you, you made my days the happiest they could be...

Yours Forever... Tiffany

Yeah... everything is going to be fine now on...