- Seohyun’s POV -

 

I was tired… so tired that I just wanted to escape. But I couldn’t. I have been in this industry for a long time and if I did vanish into thin air, SM Entertainment would bring hell into looking for me and the media will be set on fire.

 

But I know for sure that everyone of us in SNSD were tired, some of my unnies still have schedules. I have no right to complain. I just have to it up and be an adult in these times. Even though I don’t really know how to be an adult. I mean I didn’t even knew how to live as a teenager, how about being an adult. What I know is how to be an idol.

 

Annyeonghasaeyo yeorobun, I am SNSD’s Maknae, Seohyun. My full name is Seo Joohyun, but I go by Seohyun since… a very long time ago…

 

I am very tired… I don’t know how long I have been myself… Everything is just a façade for the public, for my fans, for the company, for everything else except me. I am SNSD’s Seohyun, but it’s been a long time since I have been Seo Joohyun, it’s been a long time since I have been myself. It had come to the point that I don’t even know how it felt to be myself. My idol persona was up 24/7 for a very long time that I don’t remember how I was before everything started…

 

I didn’t know who to talk to about this, I wanted to talk about it to my unnies but I saw how hard they are working, how each of us were tired at the end of the day that I couldn’t bring myself to burden them more. My parents, even though I love them so much, wouldn’t understand this. I had no one to talk to about my troubles... no one… until I got a call. A call that changed my life.

 

My phone vibrated on my lap as I was trying to find a comfortable position in the van. I lift an eyelid to see who the caller and it turned out to be my Mom. Without hesitation I made myself look lively and alive? Yeah alive. One thing I promised myself was to not let my parents see my weak or tired. I don’t want them to worry about me. I answered the video call.

 

“Omma!” I said brightly. I feel a bit energized seeing my mom’s smile and it made me want to pretend to be more alive.

 

Aigoo uri Seohyun-ah looks so tired. Have you eaten?

 

“Aniyo. I’m not tired and yes I have eaten.” I lied seamlessly. It’s part of my job, acting. I mean I have acted in dramas, even though it was a supporting role but I learnt the arts of acting.

 

Arasseo Seohyun-ah. There’s a letter for you here and I sent it to your dorm.

 

“Ne, kahmsamida omma,” I said as my mom smiled at me one last time and hang up. Thinking it would be just another fan mail, I dozed off.

 

I was shaken awake by my Sunny unnie and I automatically woke up and robotically walk up to the dorm.

 

As soon as we reached our dorm, we wordlessly and automatically started settling down, some went to wash while others were mostly sleepwalking to their beds. Yes I was one of them but not until I noticed the frail but simple envelope on the table. It just had two words in it:

 

To Joohyun

 

The handwriting suggested it was from a man, might be from an uncle fan so I just left it there on the table and went to the kitchen to blend some ma. My hands worked automatically that not a single thought crossed my mind due to my fatigue. By the time I finished blending, I walked back to the couch to enjoy my ma when I noticed the letter again.

 

My initial thoughts were to just throw it amongst the pile of fan letters we keep on getting but that was quickly overridden by my loyalty to our fans. Regardless of the age, or any other characteristic, he poured his time and effort to write this. Who am I to reject that? So I tentatively opened it and read the letter.

 

As I read each word in that letter, my hands started sweating, my heart kept beating loudly in my ears and my cheeks keep heating up. I-I don’t know what I’m feeling… I-I must be having a heart condition… My heart is beating erratically and it wasn’t like it was going to stop anytime soon. I-I have never heard of a letter being a catalyst to a heart condition… it might be a rare case disease or somethi-

 

The letter was suddenly snatched away from my hands. “Hyunnie why are you looking at this letter so- omo… Omo.. OMONA!! KYAAAA!”

 

Hyoyeon unnie’s voice echoed throughout the building as she screamed gleefully at what she just read.

 

“OMO SEO JOOHYUN! DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?! OH MY GOD?! YOU DO, DON’T YOU?! KYAAA!” She screamed at my face as she started bombarding me with her question but I couldn’t care less. I’m having a condition here guys! Help me!! I’m having a heart attack or God knows what!

 

“WHO HAS A BOYFRIEND?!” “WHAT DID I JUST HEAR??” “WHO HYUNNIE?!” “JJINJA?! EYY”

 

Voices started echoing into the living room as they started reading the letter one by one.

 

Dear Joohyun,

How have you been? How was your vacation with your parents to New Zealand? You would probably receive this when you come back but I just want you to know that I’m doing great here in the army. I know it’s been a long time since we last met but I miss you so much. I missed the time that we went to the park, our first movie together, your blended ma, your gogumas, everything. I especially miss your kiss. Know that in this hardship that I am going through is all done for you and for our future.

I love you with my entire Being.

Yonghwa.

 

“Hyunnie, why didn’t you tell us you had a boyfriend,” Taeng unnie said. “Is this why you hated boys so much? Wait ‘Hate’ is a strong word. But is this why you don’t want to do anything to do with male idols?”

 

I looked at her, words lost in my mouth, “I-uh I… um I-I.. I”

 

“Omo you’re so cute,” she said as she pinched my cheek. “Well at least I don’t have to keep on worrying about you. I thought you were going to grow old alone.”

 

With that said, she went back to trying to read the letter against 7 other pair of hands.

 

I-I was scared… really scared… how could someone profess their “entire being” to a person… to me… My hands are shaking at the thought of that. It didn’t sound remotely possible for a human to do that to another. It’s irrational to think so, very illogical.

 

With my thoughts, I noticed another piece of paper tucked in the envelope. Curious, I took it out and read it.

 

Dear Sir/Madam,

                I am very sorry for the content of the first letter. My fellow soldiers had forced me to write to my significant other which currently does not exist, yet I hope. If you could kindly ignore the following letters that will be sent to you, I would appreciate that very much. I see myself being questioned about this in the next few weeks and I know I would write more letters just to keep them off my back.

                Again I deeply apologize for this and I appreciate you taking time to read this.

Sincerely,

Private Jung Yonghwa.

 

Reading that small letter made me feel… disappointed? Yeah I think that’s what I’m feeling right now… but as the reason why I feel disappointed? I-I’m not sure..

 

I shook myself awake from my… disappointment… and called my unnies. “Unnie deul! Read this first before you create any false ideas about me having a b-boyfriend.”

 

Taeyeon unnie grabbed the piece of paper from my hand and quickly read the content. She then looked crestfallen and passed the letter around. As each of them read the letter, their faces fell and looked sad and disappointed.

 

Taeyeon unnie handed me the letter back as the others grumbled and slowly left with their faces still disappointed.

 

“W-waeguereyo unnie? W-what happened with everyone?” I asked Taeyeon unnie.

 

“It’s just that we thought you finally had a boyfriend. Or at least a male friend. We’ve been praying for you, you know,” she said as she slumped on the couch beside me.

 

“Ne?!” I acclaimed. They have been praying for me??

 

“We’re just concerned about you. You don’t have much of a social life you know. We were even planning to set you up on a date,” she said as she stared on the ceiling lost in thought.

 

“Eyy unnie. I’m fine-“ I started but she cut me off.

 

“Aigoo Hyunnie. We’re not going to force you to do anything you don’t want. We’re just concerned and that’s it. Don’t think too much about it, arachi?” she said as she hugged me and left.

 

I was shocked at what unnie told me. I-I didn’t know that that’s how they felt for me… I feel thankful and guilty at the same time. Thankful that they are concerned, guilty because I feel like I made them feel like so. It’s just that…. boys and me… I don’t really feel comfortable mingling with the opposite gender. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against them. It’s just that I feel like when they approach me, they see my idol persona and not my real self. They see me as SNSD’s Seohyun, not as Seo Joohyun.

 

And they have creepy eyes… yeah those eyes, let’s not forget about that.

 

But, unnie deul were so concerned… I couldn’t let them down… but boys… so an internal war raged inside me for the next 2 weeks on whether I should or shouldn’t try to communicate with boys. But as the days passed. My guilt grew bigger and bigger till I couldn’t hold it in any longer. I gave up trying to fight it and I put more efforts to looking for a solution on my… aversion… to boys. Then I remembered the letter, that letter that started all this. I may be able to use it to my advantage. I mean God has given me a way to talk to boys, not face to face, not even through a call, but through a letter…

 

So I enlisted Hyoyeon unnie’s help to craft a letter to reply to his… um… beautiful letter… to help him with him with his alibi. But I wrote the second letter by myself. I’m not going to lie, my room was filled with crumbled paper because frankly, I was undecided on what to actually write. He claims that he just guessed everything on that letter but how did he know about my blended ma? My gogumas? And most of all my name and my parent’s address? It shook me to the core that if he did guessed these information right, it must be fate… or worst case, a sasaeng… but I need this so that my unnies won’t feel concerned about me. And I need this to overcome my disability to talk to boys… So I wrote:

 

Hi Yonghwa-ssi.

How was it? Did they buy it?

I hope they did. This is a small gratitude for your service from us citizens.

Joohyun

PS. That’s my real name. Kekeke. What are the odds, right? Kekeke

 

I left out about him guessing about the other details… I didn’t want the person, um Yonghwa-ssi, to know about me too much. I mean we just met, figuratively.

 

With that letter sent, I felt… nervous? For that week, I was fidgety and can’t keep still. It was as if I couldn’t concentrate and keep on being nervous. It was at a point that my unnies noticed me tapping my fingers, biting on my nails, tapping my foot, and lots more. They asked me about it but I just shrugged it off and went back to being nervous. Even I couldn’t explain as to why I was nervous… but come Sunday when the mail came, is when I knew I was waiting for his reply. Because, once I saw his letter (with the correct address now), I felt… happy? Yeah happy.

 

Dear Joohyun-ssi,

I don’t know how to thank you enough. The guys believed that you were real, heck even I believe you are real Kekeke. Actually I didn’t even realize that this address was real, I wrote some believable address in Seoul and a name that pop in my head. And yet here you are, real.

I can’t believe how this happen but I am thankful that it did, that I met you Joohyun-ssi.

Yonghwa.

PS. I feel like I’m taking much of your time, it’s alright if you want to stop…

 

“KYAA!!!!” I heard a scream behind me. That jerked me to look behind me and I saw Hyoyeon unnie screaming while running to Taeyeon unnie’s room. I don’t know why but I just left her do what she wants, I have more pressing matters at hand.

 

… h-how… how can he be so considerate to a stranger… to me…

 

I-I don’t know what I’m feeling right now… it’s just that, h-his letter is so endearing… I feel light inside, warm…

 

So I hastily got a pen and wrote:

Dear Yonghwa-ssi,

Aniyo, it’s fine for me. To be honest, I find the whole setup so endearing. Like a novel that I have read before and want to relive it. It’s so enlightening to say the least.

It too was a surprise to get an anonymous letter wrote in a romantic way. My unnies and I were shocked to say the least but I wouldn’t lie that it was a pleasant surprise.

Anyway, tell me about yourself Yonghwa-ssi? Or should I could you Oppa? Kekeke Mwollayo.

Looking forward to hear from you,

Joohyun.

PS. I’m 22 years old so that could be your basis :)

 

I just wrote whatever I felt. I knew I was blabbing around, not really making sense but I still I wrote what I felt that I wanted to write.

 

“KYAA!!” another scream brought me out of my thoughts as this time it was Sunny unnie who was running to Taeyeon unnie’s room. I just shook my head at her and went back to my letter. After rereading it, (it was too risky for my taste but…) I sealed it in an envelope and sent it.

 

T-that was the start.

 

The start of… I don’t know… really, I do not know… I met a good friend? A male friend? Yeah we can go with that. That was a start of my very first male friend. Yong Oppa (yeah that’s what I call him *blush*) was very considerate to me, he always respects my boundaries, my thoughts and emotions. Whenever I had complains, he would sympathize, whenever I had a fun event, he would rejoice alongside me. He’s like another me but a boy for a lack of a better terminology. He’s becoming my bestfriend, someone I could talk to, someone who I could relate likes and dislikes, someone who would listen to me, someone who I could be myself, where I can be Seo Joohyun.

 

I started feeling like my old self again, the young naïve Seo Joohyun; the days before I put up my idol persona. I was happy, not stressed or tired from daily work, which was a first in a very long time. Months passed as not a single week I didn’t send a letter to Yong Oppa. Even if I had a schedule overseas, I would ask one my unnies at the dorm, or my mom if my unnies weren’t there, to scan the letter and I would type my reply and they would send on my behalf.

 

Speaking of my unnies… their attitude towards me changed. Some of these times, they would give me this weird smile as if they know something that I don’t. I asked them about it but as Taeyeon unnie said, “Shhhh. Don’t tell her one single bit. Let her realize it by herself.” I would be confused whenever she said. Am I supposed to know something? Something so evident and yet elusive to me? Aish Mwolla…

 

My unnies had a tradition on Sundays. They called it Seohyun’s Day. Why? Because they would see their maknae, that is me, read the letter from Yong Oppa and my response to him. I don’t know why they would bother, I mean, it’s just a conversation between two friends… right? They would squeal and shout of glee as they tease me about the contents of our letters in which I would blush profoundly… stupid cheeks…

 

And just like that, my view on life changed. Before it was just the struggles and accomplishment of being an idol, but now I learned how to appreciate the music that I do (the way Yong Oppa describes music was so beautiful that even I learned to love it) and the life that I had. I became more cheerful, more blessed than I’ve ever been. It was apparent, really. In just a year Seo Joohyun have other male friends. The SuJu Oppas that I’ve never been close to before are now like my older brothers. I would be the first to initiate conversations with other male. Before the SNSD’s innocent maknae was unreachable and aloof to the male population of idols, but now, she’s the one mingling and conversing with them. It was a change that I welcomed whole-heartedly.

 

And it was all because of Yong Oppa. And I would forever be grateful for what he has done for me…

 

Then… something… a letter from him came…

 

It was just a normal Sunday really, nothing special. Just three of my unnies were present on Seohyun’s Day today. The others were resting or doing their own things. When I finally read that letter, my hands grew numb, my cheeks red, my mind blank and my heart beating loudly. Oh God… this was like it was before… I’m having a heart attack!!

 

“Omo… omo… OMO!!! YEDERA!!!! PALLI NAWA!!!” Tifanny unnie shouted. My other unnies rushed at the scene and one by one they read the letter and were rejoicing as if they have won a Grammy award. But that was all drowned out by feelings… I’M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!! HELP ME!!! Here’s the reason why:

 

Dear Joohyun,

People have come and gone, Sejoo-yah has just finished his service and have went back to his Yookyoung and I sometimes feel alone. My bestfriend, my brother, have left me alone. He told me that I’ll get by, that I will manage and that he will be waiting for me to be his bestman on his wedding. But still, sometimes I feel alone.

But I have something to look forward to at the end of each week. Your letters are a stable to my being, they keep me sane, they keep me happy and most of all, they made me fall for you.

Joohyun, I love you. It’s true. This I can swear on my heart and on my life. I love you.

Looking forward to hear from you nae sarangha,

Yong Oppa.

 

"U-unnie deul... H-help me... My heart is throbbing painfully..." I stammered as I kept on checking my pulse for any irregularities.

 

"Aigoo uri maknae is so innocent," Taeyeon unnie said. They all laughed at her statement. How dare they?! I felt betrayed. I couldn't even believe them. This isn't a laughing matter.

 

"Unnie deul! How can you laugh when I'm having a heart attack?!" I said with great control on my anger. Whatever I said just brought more laughter and I was ignored.

 

"Aigoo Hyunnie... You'll be fine. Trust me," Yul unnie said. "Now write back to your soldier and this time we'll give you the privacy. You need to think about this clearly, arachi?"

 

They left me alone, but not before giggling and giving me “fighting” signs which I don’t know what is for. Once I was left alone all I could think of was:

 

I love you… Nae Sarangha… I love you… Nae Sarangha… I love you… Nae Sarangha… I love you… Nae Sarangha… I love you… Nae Sarangha…

 

….

 

I love you… Nae Sarangha…

 

…

 

Joohyun… I love you…

 

 

….

 

“ARGGH!!!!” I screamed in frustration. I threw the letter on the table and ran outside.

 

“Hyunnie! Odi ka?!” Hyoyeon managed to say but I was already outside the dorm.

 

I ran and ran until I reached my parents’ house, unlocked the door and went straight to my room.

 

“Omo Joohyun-ah! What a surpri-“ Omma said but I sharply slammed the door and hid under my blankets.

 

W-what is happening to me?! I don’t know myself anymore. I feel happy and yet frustrated. I feel fine and yet elated. I feel warm inside. I feel happy. Very very happy. And that’s what makes me frustrated. I don’t know why I’m very happy. What am I feeling?!

 

Joohyun, I love you…

 

Dugun dugun…

 

“ARRGHH!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!” I screamed in frustration.

 

A week passed and due to my confusion and frustration (despite the warm feeling I have inside me) I didn’t reply to his letter. And my unnies made me pay for it.

 

“Hyunnie, it is common courtesy to reply to such letters you know. You’re doing the wrong thing,” Yul unnie said. It made feel guilty, I hate doing the wrong thing.

 

“Hyunnie, just reject him if you don’t feel the same way,” Sunny unnie told me b-but I-I can’t do that, much less reply to it.

 

“Hyunnie, it might be confusing but he’s going to need an answer very soon. A man doesn’t want to be left hanging on thin air,” Sooyoung unnie said. I-I don’t want him to feel that way.

 

“Hyunnie, don’t be too stubborn and headstrong. Just go for it, you may never know,” Hyoyeon unnie said which left me baffled. “Stubborn?! Headstrong?! Unnie what do you mean?!”

 

“Seo Joohyun, if you keep on leading him on, you are going to lose forever,” Tiffany unnie said angrily. I was scared when she said that, not because she said it angrily, because she said that I might lose Yong oppa… forever…

 

“Hyunnie, this is your first time in this situation right? It’s okay to feel confused but don’t take too long. He will start fading away soon. Himne!” Yoona unnie said. A small comfort but a terrifying one. I have a time limit to reply. WHO CAME UP WITH THIS RULES?!

 

“Hyunnie, if you like him, just say you like him and see what you get along the way. It doesn’t have to be serious, just like you dip your toe in a swimming pool before diving in right? You don’t have to immediately dive right in a relationship. But,” Jessica unnie said suddenly. “If by any chance you have no feelings for him, which I seriously doubt, just say no to the poor boy. He needs closure so he can be free from his feelings for you.” My heart constricted at that statement. Why did it hurt at the thought of him not having any feeelings for me anymore? (OT9!! v^_^ don’t lynch me XD )

 

Taeyeon unnie didn’t say anything, just this disappointed look at me. I feel really guilty for some reason that I couldn’t comprehend. The way she looks at me were bone-chilling, as if I committed a great crime. She didn’t say anything until the next Sunday. Every one of us were waiting for the mail to come. I was very anxious while my sisters were betting whether Yong oppa will send a letter or not. And when the mail came… I… I… f-felt… felt like crying…

 

All t-there was were fan mails. Not a single crumpled looking envelope that I would know was from him. I felt devastated and a tear fell from my eye.

 

“Pay up,” Tiffany and Jessica (who voted on him not writing) gloomily said as the others grumbled and started paying them. They soon left to do their own activities without heaving a huge sigh and shook their heads at me, clearly disappointed.

 

While I was left alone, thin hands hugged me and said, “You know you can let it all out. I’m here for you.”

 

And I did let it out. I cried in Taeyeon unnie’s arms. I was really afraid, even though it had been just a week, I felt like I lost him. I felt devastated, hurt and my heart is constricting tightly. I couldn’t breathe, like the air I usually breathe wasn’t there anymore. It hurts. It hurts me very much.

 

“Hyunnie, have you ever thought why you’re feeling like this,” Taeyeon unnie asked me softly.

 

“Mollayo Unnie. I-I don’t kn-“ I started but she cut me off.

 

“Have you ever wondered why you look forward to his letter every week? Why you smile at his jokes? Why bother replying to his letter every week without fail? Even if we’re overseas, you still manage to write back to him?” She softly asks me as she brought me out of her embrace and look at me straight in the eyes. “Have you ever asked yourself why you are hurting right now? Why is it that seeing no letters from him brings tears to your eyes? Have you asked yourself why?”

 

I was speechless. I realized I was asking the wrong questions and unnie just handed me the questions that were more important than the ones I was asking myself.

 

“Now wipe your tears, calm down and answer those questions. Take your time and don’t rush it arachi? And when you find your answers, don’t hesistate and go for it. Fighting!” she softly said and with one last hug, left me on my own.

 

I really do have wonderful sisters, don’t I? When I calmed myself down a bit, even though it was just a bit, I started formulating my answers.

 

Do I look forward to his letters every week? Yes, yes I do very much. They’re like the highlight of my week.

 

Do I smile at his jokes? Yes, I mean, he’s funny, a choding at that.

 

Why do I reply to his letters? Because talking to him make me feel like myself, as Seo Joohyun. And frankly, I can’t wait to read his reply to my reply.

 

Why am I hurting right now? I-It’s because he didn’t write this week. That at the thought of him not writing to me scares the hell out of me.

 

Why am I crying? It’s because I don’t want him to disappear in my life… he’s someone special to me… a link to myself being the real me… I-if he’s gone, I d-don’t know what’s going to happen to me.

 

I-Is this love? I-I’m not sure… maybe it is? Maybe it isn’t? Maybe it’s the first stage of love? Who knows? I don’t. This is my first time feeling like this. So based on my feelings, I finally wrote my reply.

 

Dear Yong Oppa,

First and foremost, I am deeply thankful for your feelings for me Oppa. It brought a smile to my lips when you told me that you felt something for me. Even though we haven’t met, you somehow fell for me and I do not know whether this is real or fake but I feel something special to you too.

Something that I haven’t felt for before, something that I haven’t felt for someone.

Oppa, what I’m asking is that can you give me time? A time to realize on what I feel for you and to know whether this is real. Will you give me that Oppa?

Love,

Joohyun.

 

As I sent it out to him, I feel committed on learning about what I feel right now. And I did, the “unconventional” way as my unnies told me. I read romance novels, books about love. I watched romantic dramas, tried to absorb their feelings and compare to what they are feeling to what I am feeling. At first my unnies laughed at the way I handled my “feelings” for him, but they soon get mellowed out by the fact that I have not stopped researching about love, that I wanted to know if I really have feelings for him or not.

 

It was in the second week of not communicating with one another that I started missing his letters. It started small, really, but then I would think what would he be eating right now? Would he be composing songs right now? Maybe play basketball? Or could he be doing his duties right now? It really did start small but then on the third week, I started asking myself, would he be doing this? Maybe he’ll get angry if I do this? Yah Seo Joohyun, Yong Oppa will scold you if you’re not sleeping properly. Maybe I should learn how to play guitar, Yong Oppa really loves it. And so on and on. It came to the point that I have to ask myself what would Yong Oppa do in this situation and actually do what he would and it brought noticeable changes.

 

On one time, my unnies were invited to a bar party and out of respect they asked me to accompany them. Usually I don’t go because I have to sleep by midnight, but I told myself, Yong Oppa would go right? I mean he’s a social person (I think) and so I agreed. Needless to say my unnies were shocked at my answer as I get readied along with them. As well as the people in that party for that matter. Although I was there, all I drank were juice and just a cocktail. I still didn’t want to start drinking for that matter but might as well start slowly, right?

 

Then on the fourth week, I couldn’t take it anymore, I need a letter from him. Anything. As long as it’s from him, I wouldn’t care. As I waited for the letters to come on Seohyun’s Day, my unnies were giggling in the background looking at me as if I were under a hot seat, fidgeting and anxious. As I impatiently tap my fingers waiting for the mail to come, Jessica unnie laid a hand on my shoulder and gave me a soft smile. That calmed me down for a bit, but then the anxiety came when we heard the letters coming in. With the help of my unnies, we sifted through the pile of fan letters and my heart dropped. Not a single letter from him.

 

I felt devastated but this time I was mad. Not at him but at myself. I don’t know myself anymore, I don’t care anymore what my head says, I’ll just follow what my heart wants and that is to receive anything from him. I couldn’t take it anymore, I had have enough. I decided that I would write first to him. And so I wrote:

 

Dear Yong Oppa,

How have you been? Have you been well? How’s the Army Oppa?

For me? I haven’t been well. I have thought long and hard on how I feel for you to no conclusion. But what is certain that you’re all that I ever think about.

I miss you. Write me back?

Joohyun.

 

“KYAAA!!!” My unnies started screaming but I didn’t mind them as I posted that letter to him hoping that this time he would write back…

 

But…

 

One week passed, no letter…

 

Then another week passed, still no letter…

 

I-I was paranoid. I was scared. His silence was deafening and terror-striking. My mind was rambling about possible situations, probable reasons and conclusions that were terrifying and plausible due to his unending silence. W-what if s-something h-happened to him? What i-if there’s a war happening right now that the public didn’t know about? T-this is t-the army we’re talking about. W-what if… what if h-he… wh-what i-if h-he-he’s d-dead?

 

Andwae… Maldo Andwae. I will not accept that. No that cannot be true. It won’t be true… right? RIGHT?!

 

Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes; about him dying. We haven’t even met… I haven’t even seen his face, his smile. I haven’t even heard his jokes, his laughter. I haven’t even heard him say “I love you” to me…… what if I never will?

 

When I told my unnies my worries, they tried to calm me down but to no avail. I wouldn’t calm down until I hear from him and only him alone. I wish I could talk to him. I really did. I was praying for anything, anything to happen right now that concerns him, any news will be better than total darkness…

 

Hearing my plea, Taeyeon unnie did something that I would be eternally grateful for. She called Kangin Oppa. Kagin Oppa who has finished his military service, was more than ready to help his beautiful “dongsaeng” who was in “trouble”. I do know how Taeyeon unnie explained the situation to me but one day, he appeared in our dorm looking for me.

 

“Seohyun-ah!” He cried. “Palli Nawa.”

 

Shocked at my name being shouted, by a man and in our dorm, I scampered to see who came to see. Much to my astonishment, Kangin Oppa was settled down in the middle of our couch with his legs crossed and his arms openly hanging on the top of the couch.

 

“Oppa! This is a surprise,” I said as he stood up and hugged me for a bit. He then went right back to his position earlier while I sat on another sofa. “Oppa, why are you looking for me?”

 

Instead of replying to inquiry, he took out his phone and dialed a number. After a few rings he started talking to the phone.

 

“Oh Sunbae! This is Kangin. Can I ask a favor?” he started talking as I wait patiently for him to finish his call. “Yeah I have a hoobae who wanted to talk to one your people, will that be fine?”

 

His face lit up and he said, “Jjinjja sunbae? Wahh daebak, as expected of my sunbae. Jjinjja komawo sunbae, I’ll take you out for din- ehh?! Arasseo sunbae, an autograph it is. Here I’ll give my phone.”

 

He then looked at me suddenly and said, “You’ll thank me later and your Taeyeon unnie, arasseo?” He gave me the phone and left.

 

Feeling confused, I slowly put the phone in my ear and asked, “Yeobusaeyeo? U-um may I know who is speaking?”

 

Yeobusaeyeo, joneun Hasa (Staff Sergeant) Jung Yonghwa ibnida.

 

Dugun dugun…

 

Wait what?

 

Dugun dugun..

 

Jung Yonghwa?? My Yong Oppa?!

 

My mind was in a whirlwind of thoughts. Thoughts of his deep husky voice, y even, his voice that sounds mature and yet has a hint of nonchalancy? Or was apathy? Mwola but all I know is that, I am talking to oppa, my Yong oppa. I don’t know how Taeyeon unnie and Kangin Oppa did it but here I am talking to the person that I have been waiting for. To say I was astonished is an understatement, I’m speechless as to what I’m supposed to say to him with his last letter still bearing heavily over my shoulders. I-I wasn’t ready. I n-need more time. B-but his voice… his deep husky voice is making me mellow inside, warm even that I couldn’t stop a smile forming on my lips. He’s fine. All my worries were for nothing. He’s fine, he’s alive. B-but then, why didn’t he reply to my letters? D-did I lose him already? Does he not want to talk to me anymor-

 

Yeobusaeyo?

 

Realizing I have been quiet for too long I hastily replied, “Oppa, it’s me.”

 

There was silence after that, and I dare not break it. He should know that it’s me right? I mean according to him, I’m the closest girl that he has (except for his family members). What would he be thinking right now as I wait for him to talk? What would he be thinking of the fact that he’s talking to me right now? Curiosity is boiling up inside me as I wait with abated breath for him to talk. I don’t know about him but for me, I am ecstatic and nervous at the same time. My mind is trying to picture how he looks like just from his voice. He must be handsome, I mean his voice is y *blush*. Aigoo, I’m becoming erted but what can I do… I miss him…

 

H-Hyun?

 

Just that. That was all it take for me to lose it my head… I don’t know, I feel really warm and excited and shy and, and um… ARGGHHH!! What is happening to me?!

 

“N-ne… um… a-anyeong Y-Yo-Yong o-oppa…” I whispered, barely containing the overflowing and unknown feelings raging inside me.

 

Y-your voice is better than I expected. I-It’s angelic.

 

I’m not sure if he can notice but I am blushing furiously right now. I tried to calm myself, fanning myself with hand when he spoke again.

 

Mianhe Hyun. I-I c-can’t t-talk to y-you anymore…

 

My body stopped cold, my mind froze, my limbs shook… and my heart… my heart broke… my worst fear has materialized… I-I lost him.

 

With a heavy heart, I asked him, “W-waeyo O-oppa?”

 

I-I c-can’t tell you… I just can’t talk to you anymore. It’s for your own g-good.

 

“W-what do you mean it’s for my own good?”

 

T-trust me on this on this. T-this is goodbye Joohyun-ah.

 

I-I felt angry at that moment. Angry at myself, at him, at anything. It can’t end just like this. He showed me how to break this monotony I have in my life. He showed me how to live my life. With him gone in my life, I-I don’t know what to do. He can’t leave me alone like this. He-he’s breaking my heart and I don’t know how to deal with it. So I did what I felt like doing. I shouted at him.

 

“W-what do you mean this is goodbye?! You can’t just leave me.”

 

Mianhe Hyu-

 

“Don’t you dare say sorry to me when I don’t even know the reason why you’re leaving me. For my own good? MY OWN GOOD?”

 

Yeah it’s for your own good! Just listen to me just this o-

 

He too was shouting on the other end of the line. But I don’t care. I wouldn’t listen to him at this time when I knew that we both don’t want this to happen. I wouldn’t have any of it.

 

“No I won’t Oppa! Tell my why! WHY OPPA?!”

 

I can’t tell yo-

 

“WHY?!”

 

I CAN’T ASSOCIATE YOU WITH A MURDERER OKAY!!

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

My blood ran cold at his statement. I heard it wrong, d-didn’t I? I must have…

 

“W-what d-did you say o-oppa?”

 

… I killed someone Hyun. I don’t want you to know a murderer. I can’t spoil your innocence-

 

“Stop with the excuses,” I said with a calmness that I didn’t feel. “Tell me what happened.”

 

Let’s just stop this Hyun. I can’t bear the fact that you know a murd-

 

“Oppa, it’s fine.” I said softly. “Tell me what happened.”

 

I was concerned. Thoughts of him killing another person didn’t scare me away. It was more like I wanted to hug him tightly and never let go. I thought of how devastated and traumatic it might feel for him. I was really concerned and I will do anything to help him. I could just imagine him closing everything out, just him staying in his dark and lonely cell in his mind. I wouldn’t let him do that, not if it’s the last thing I’ll do.

 

His voice wavered and his breath uneven on the other line, he started saying:

 

R-remember the stories I told you about this place H-Hyun? H-how terrifying the stories were? About a soldier creeping in the dorm and killing soldiers in their sleep? W-Well i-it h-happened Hyun. It happened…

 

I remember that story well. I remember it so well because I had a nightmare about it. When Yong Oppa told me about it, I was scared for him but he told me not to worry that it was just stories soldiers tell each other to get under their nerves; a normal army horror story. Although I was still worried but Yong Oppa pacified my worries. Never did I thought that it would happen.

 

I-I was on duty that night. It was my turn for the patrol, it started like a normal night. I didn’t think that something would happen… I-I heard footsteps that night, light footsteps. I thought nothing on it, thought it was a wind but when I saw a shadow, I grew afraid and uncertain. I-I don’t know what to do so I followed the footsteps. T-the person was going to our dorm and when I realized it, I shouted him to stop and raise his hands. He was clad in dark clothing and when he heard me froze and he did raise his hands. I pointed my gun at him and asked him to turn around and when he did, I did not recognize him and I thought this guy was an intruder. I asked him who he was but he ignored me. Instead he slowly lowered his arms to reach for his gun. I shouted for him to stop or else I’m going to shoot. Regardless of what I-I said, h-he still went for his gun. I-I shot him Hyun. I begged for him to stay put, but h-he didn’t stop… i-if he did stop, h-he would still be alive and I-I w-wouldn’t h-have to kill him. T-the sound from my gunshot woke everybody up a-and everyone w-was on h-high alert. W-when they found me w-with a dead body, I-I told them what happened. T-they investigated everything, i-it took a week to finish the investigation. I-It was all a blur, I forgot what happened. All I could think of was the man’s dying moments, how h-his eyes w-were looking at me, how much loathing he had for me. And you know what the army gave me for my “duty”? I was given 5^th Class – Inheon Cordon and promoted to Hasa (Staff Sergeant). All for killing one man. One Man Hyun… I-I killed a man… I-I don’t know w-what to do about it H-Hyun…

 

“Shhh oppa, it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay. I’m here for you…” I softly said as I hear him softly cry. Hearing him cry made my heart wrench in pain that I felt his pain and cried with him. He must’ve felt terrible and was tortured with the blood of another man staining his hands. And he was alone when he experienced it. I should have been with him but I selfishly asked for some time to think. I shut him off when he needed me the most…

 

That’s why I can’t associate you with me, a killer-

 

“Andwae oppa. You can’t ask me to leave you alone now that you’re suffering,” I said hastily. “I won’t do it even if you force me to.”

 

Hyun… Jebal listen to me… I’m a soldier, I’m not sure when it can happen again and it might happen to me too. I-It’s better i-if we… um… end this already…

 

I tried to swallow a dry lump on my throat without any success. His statement poured cold water on me. Maldo andwae… I-I can’t believe t-this is hap-happening…

 

“O-oppa,” I stammered as the tears starts pouring down. “A-are you s-serious?”

 

Mianhe H-Hyun… E-even though I love you so much, I-I can’t drag you with me into this abyss. E-even though I want to ask you to stay w-with me, ani, beg you to stay with me, I can’t be that selfish.

 

I covered my mouth to mask my whimpers. Each word he said was a knife to my heart. I heard him say that he loves me and yet why does it feel so painful? I should be happy but my grasp on him is slowly being released and he is fading away from my life bit by bit.

 

“O-oppa,” I whispered. “Y-you’re b-breaking my heart. Y-you forcing yourself out of my life is breaking my heart. Y-you know I was scared when for the past 2 months that something bad happened to you. I was scared that you died in action, or maybe that you didn’t want to write to me anymore, maybe you found someone else to talk to-
 

 

Ani Hyun, but it wasn’t my intention but-

 

“I know it wasn’t oppa, but you preferring to be alone in your agony than me being with you in your agony is breaking my heart. I-I can’t let the man I love suffer in pain alone while I-“ I stopped suddenly.

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

D-did I just say I l-love him?

 

…

 

…

 

…

 

I-I did didn’t I? I-I um… I love him?

 

Then everything fell into place. The constant worrying about him, the relentless missing him, the automatic laughter at his jokes, the continuous excitement at his letters, the positive change I had because of him and so on. All this happened because of him, because I do love him. I was naïve to think that all these emotions were all jumbled over the place when in fact it all were tied to one emotion: love. I do love him. I love my Yong Oppa.

 

H-Hyun w-what did you say?

 

It felt surreal, it felt like heaven acknowledging the fact that I love him. Amidst the tears running down my face, a smile formed in my face as I whispered on the phone, “Oppa, saranghae.”

 

Silence enveloped our conversation. I felt surprisingly calm, my head clear and I reveled in the thoughts of him, my Yong Oppa, held dearly in my heart. I listened to his soft breaths on the line and waited for him patiently. It’s my turn to wait and him to figure out what he wants. I have given my answer to him and I will wait for him, even if he hangs up now I will still love him and wait for him. This felt surreal! Aigoo is this what being in-love feels like? Not that I am complaining, it’s a nice and warm feeling.

 

N-Nadu Saranghae Hyun. He whispered and my heart swell with love, my smile stretched in my face and I said, filled with emotion. “As I love you Oppa.”

 

---

Hey guys ^^

If you've been with me for a while haha, i dont do lots of chapters for a Fic XD so just 2 more chapters, yeah just 2 more chapters.

But as usual, thank you for reading ^^

♥♦Pokerman♣♠

Snowman, snow's man