eight

***

The thudding of my heart quickens every time I'm about to bring up words to express my plans but they die on my lips with every smile Minseok sends my way. But for some reason, I don't mind the feeling, where I can hear the beat of my heart in my ears without wanting to scream until I drowned it out. I'm more alive each day than the day before, the distant ache in my body lessening with each glance I take of Minseok. He had become the world to me. Yet it was always there. Not entirely ebbing away.

On an especially peaceful day, I decide to gather my determination and all for Minseok's opinion. Maybe he can help me with some advice. He's sitting by the warmth of the small heater, reading a thick novel with a blanket pulled around his shoulders. I walk over with two mugs of hot chocolate, handing one to him then sitting on the floor by his feet. How do I... begin? "Minseok?" I ask hesitantly, wondering if he heard me, wondering if I should even tell him about it - I could always just do it alone but the fear that lodged itself in my throat that he'd worry made me want to retch.

"Mhmm?" He hums, telling me to continue. I take a deep breath, steeling my nerves.

"I want to go see my stepmother," I say, wrapping my fingers around the mug. "I've decided to finally stand up against her." Even as my resolve wavered, it's the only goal I have now to keep me going. I just needed to accomplish it and be rid of the one person who brought misfortune on my life for as long as I can remember.

He doesn't say anything for a while, leaving me hanging onto thin hopes that I'm making the right choice. That maybe, after she's gone, I will no longer have a shadow cast over me, blocking out my sunlight. But as the silence remained unbroken, I backtrack quickly and stand from my position on the floor, "Uh - um - no, never mind. I - I'm just being thoughtless. Um, don't worry about it." My stuttering didn't help either and I rush to get to the kitchen, putting down my mug then running to the bathroom and locking the door.

Lydia, you're a failure. Minseok probably doesn't care at all. What are you doing bothering the one who you owe your life to? I silently berate myself, my pulse jumping erratically as I lean against the closed door and slid down onto the floor. Pulling my knees under my chin, I rest my head on my arms while I let my thoughts run wild. God, I'm so stupid. He's been through his own terrors, why am I trying to get him to help me? When did I start to trust him so easily? It's all façade, him pretending to be nice to me. Maybe he's working for her? My nails dig into my palm the longer I thought, the longer I stayed here. I need to get away soon, keeping the memories of the kind Minseok before everything shatters before my eyes all over again.

Instantly, I notice just how terrible I am for even thinking that Minseok would hurt me after everything he has done for me, even so much as to let me stay in his home. I sigh and stand, making my way to the sink. The mirror above it catches my attention and I look into the glass, just as my reflection does the same, every morning and evening, it reminds me that I no longer held that hallowed look I had when I lived in that wretched place I had called home. No, I'm over-thinking and I shouldn't because every time I do - I stare down at my palms, red welts where I had dug my nails into my skin, not enough the break the surface and start bleeding.

A gentle knock on the door startles me and I scramble to over, almost slipping on the cool tiles as I hasten to open the door. Minseok is standing there with an unreadable expression, something dark swimming in his brown eyes as he regards me standing there, then in one stride, he pulls me into his embrace, arms wound around my waist and shoulders tightly. His warm breath fans over my forehead, hands rubbing circles on my spine as I try to figure out why. I push him away slightly to see his face and stepped back far enough to detach any stray feelings that might derail my purposes. Minseok still has the same unreadable mask, but I forge on.

"Minseok, I - what do you - " I'm cut off when he takes hold of my face between his hands, bringing my face mere centimetres away from his. His brown eyes meet mine,