one

***

I stare down at the waters beneath me, rushing by and washing away every speck of dust, a force of nature that cannot be stopped. The concrete beneath my feet is cold, hard and wet from the snow just now, my shoes and socks lying behind me. I want to feel everything.  I continue to stare down as I imagine the freezing cold fingers of the water as it grabs at me and pulls me under, leaving me breathless and surrendering.

Looking over my shoulders, there is only silence, not a single person in sight. I climb the bridge railings and steady myself on the ledge, toes curling over the edge as the water rapids melt the snow on the bank and rush by under me, the only around heard in this white expanse. It's dangerous, my body screams at me, beginning to shake. Get off! I ignore my conscience and slowly peel off my raincoat.

There is a quiet flump as my raincoat falls behind me onto the snow-covered ground. I think about all the people I will leave behind, all the things I have never tried and all the people I might've met and my heart clenches. It would have been nice if my life didn't turn out this way, I think to myself, feeling my blood begin to rush to my head and adrenaline speeding up my heartbeat while my body continues to shake.

The constant drumming in my ears. Quickening with every breath I take. I pull off my scarf next; my best friend said she loved how soft it was, too bad it's going to remind everyone of me now if they ever find me. My cardigan is slipped off next. I feel like all my burdens are falling away with each article of clothing.

Taking in my final breath, and sending a silent prayer heavenward even though I'm sure that I'd be sent to the deepest depths of Hell for this, I close my eyes. Goodbye everyone, thanks for everything. I let out a rueful laugh. I remember the letter I left behind - vague, general, simple words that will never let them know what really happened. Goodbye everyone. I have no regrets at all and I will not apologise for this suddenness. I chose this. Just remember this. You won't find me.

Holding my arms out, I imagine once again the waters embracing me in its cold arms and let out my breath, the air coming out in a white cloud. Just one step closer to the edge.

I jump.

Instead of feeling the wind from my fall into Death's arms, I'm pulled backwards until I land on something. Someone's arms are around me, but I can barely register what is happening as my blood continues to rush to my head and my heartbeat drums away in my ears. Stop! I plead inside, It's deafening. I cover my ears, trying to block the sound. It only gets louder. I clamber to stand up and make my way to the bridge, barely calm enough to climb again. It's this sound, the sound of life. Life that I don't deserve nor want any longer.

I cry out when I'm pulled away. "No! Let me go!" I scream, the sound piercing in this silent landscape, not caring for the person and only for my destination; the white water rapids. I kick, punch, thrash, trying to get away. "Just leave me alone!"

My tears come then, blurring out vision. No! Blindly, I reach for the railings, only to grab at air. These tears of frustration continue to fall, knowing that I’m only left with the option of giving up now. "No," I sob weakly, my previously vigorous attempts to escape now reduced to a mere struggle.

Just let me go, please. I continue to fight my way out of this person's grip around my stomach, scratching at their hands while my own shake, barely able to muster any more strength as the adrenaline rush dies down. They hold me tight, not letting go even though I'm sure my long nails on their skin hurts. If I had met them in a different situation, I wouldn't look like a lifeless doll ready to truly end her life.

If anyone found that letter, they would be rushing to find me by now. And I need to be long gone before they arrive. Preferably washed away by the water into the sea. But now, that's not possible because this person is still holding onto me like a limpet. Defeat set