Dear Brother | imsimsz
Constructive Criticism Review Shop || Introducing a newly opened Comment Shop: New Story Comments!Dear Brother | imsimsz
Date Requested: 11/15/15
Review Posted: 12/03/15
FIRST IMPRESSION
(This is the reviewer’s analysis of the story at first glance. This will include the title, tags, foreword, description, graphics, layouts, and even the first chapter. Furthermore, this will discuss if readers will be interested enough to read your story.)
The title says different meaning at first glance. It’s versatile (Readers could deduce angst, fluff, or comedy from the title. They don’t know what to expect) and the plot is not pointed out. Since we’re talking about first impression here, some readers may not find it attractive because it’s quite simple and they may think that it’s a dull story. Some readers refer to tags before clicking the story. If they are fans, they will give the story a try despite the title’s simplicity.
The way you did your description is very effective in catching readers’ interest. It’s short, intriguing, and doesn’t reveal too much. Your foreword looks neat too and that sneak peek is definitely disturbing yet intriguing.
Thank you for warning your readers about the story’s content by tagging and . Some (actually, a lot) may find stories like this disturbing. You may even include psychological if you like.
Reviewer’s First Impression as an Ordinary AFF Reader:
When I browse one shot stories, it doesn’t matter to me if the titles are simple. What is important for me is that the one-shot must be complete for me to read it. Short description makes wonders for me and yours is not an exception. It’s really intriguing. Quite frankly, if I am an ordinary AFF reader and I saw the tags, I will hesitate. s are fine, but turns me off. But, I have an open-mind and vast imagination. Even after seeing the tag, I may think that they are not brothers at all and that they realized they loved one another, and so they made love (lol). What I’m saying is that, I may hesitate, but I will read with caution.
PLOT/SETTING/FLOW/CHARACTERS
Despite the story’s content, the plot execution is tasteful.
Starting from the beginning, readers will immediately grasp the hatred of one brother towards another. Readers will feel those loathing because you gave the reasons why Jun hates his brother. Parents’ favoritism is a cause why there are sibling rivalries. Parents will use the favored son/daughter to encourage the other son/daughter to do better, without knowing that this kind of “encouragement” may nurture hatred and jealousy. In your story, you hinted the parents’ favoritism as a cause of the gap between the siblings.
That scene where Jun caught his “perfect” brother in a bed with his boyfriend, and using that as blackmail is twisted yet understandable. That is the only way for him to break his brother and destroy him in their parents’ eyes. In reality (as twisted as it seems), siblings have tendency to hate one another due to jealousy and if given the opportunity to destroy the other, some will grab the opportunity. In your story, it’s disturbing but the scenes were executed briefly and with raw emotion—angst, pain, and hatred. The focal point of those scenes is not the content, but those emotions projected, especially by Jun.
All of the scenes flowed smoothly—neither fast nor slow in pacing. The way you ended the story with Jun being appreciated by their parents and that Kiseop is now the one being “encouraged” by them to be more like Jun is like turning-tables. Kiseop is now destroyed thanks to his brother’s doing. I liked the way you narrated that ending by interchanging the brothers’ position in their parents’ eyes.
In terms of character development, your characters are written really well. The brother’s jealousy and hatred towards the sibling is understandable. His destroying his brother by performing those disturbing ual acts may seem over-the-top, but his character is really convincing. I am convinced that he has a really twisted mind and intense hatred, enough for him to be that mentally sick. I also liked how I learned the story from his point of view, making me see the scenes through him, and making me speculate/guess the other brother’s emotion.
Kiseop, on the other hand, is the “perfect” son of their parents—the embodiment of perfection in the very beginning. I like the way you incorporated that this “perfect” brother has a “flaw” too which caused the blackmailing. I saw meekness, fear, and pain in him that I sympathize with him. Like what I’ve already mentioned, I liked the ending. The way you’ve written him as the one being scolded by their parents at the end is like turning his character 360 degree. That made him a “perfect” character for me. The traumatic experience from his brother made him depressed, dispirited, and unable to perform well in things he excelled before. That change of his personality is realistic which made him a perfect character.
WRITING STYLE/GRAMMAR/CONVENTIONS
Your writing is perfectly detailed—neither too much nor lacking in details to know what’s happening. But there are times when you tend to switch tenses (present and past).
REVIEWER’S PREFERENCE/AFTER READING THE LAST CHAPTER…
I can’t really ask for more. If you’ve noticed, I didn’t emphasize plot holes or suggested some plot points because I’m perfectly satisfied with the story. I’ve read how Jun used “Dear Brother” multiple times with that sarcastic way of his, when those words are ironically and supposed-to-be endearments. I liked how every time Jun used that phrase, I can feel the hatred. That’s what made “Dear Brother” an ideal title. Despite the and content, it didn’t left a bad taste on my mouth. Like what I’ve said, this was tastefully written. The scenes are executed smoothly and your characters are some of the best I’ve seen in a short one-shot. I would have like to recommend this, but I’m afraid that readers may be disturbed by this. Hopefully, you will be contented with this review.
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Your Reviewer,
KnightPhantom
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