The Bad Boy's Good Girl | Joshy-muahh
Constructive Criticism Review Shop || Introducing a newly opened Comment Shop: New Story Comments!
The Bad Boy’s Good Girl | Joshy-muahh
Date Requested: 11/14/15
Review Posted: 12/03/15
FIRST IMPRESSION
(This is the reviewer’s analysis of the story at first glance. This will include the title, tags, foreword, description, graphics, layouts, and even the first chapter. Furthermore, this will discuss if readers will be interested enough to read your story.)
At first glance, the title immediately hinted on the plot. For those who are already immersed into AFF, they would straight away tell you that it’s probably a story about gangster-guy-meet-a-nerdy-girl. That could be a good or bad thing. For one, most readers here are already finding this kind of stories as too common and they would avoid stories like this. It’s not really a bad title. I agree that it’s better than your previous title “The Bad Boy’s Nerd”. In fact, I liked how the simple adjectives in the title “The Bad Boy’s Good Girl” contrasted and how suitable they are in describing the two characters.
The description isn’t very eye-catching and it sounds like those common stories here about a nerd falling for a bad boy. Since your story seems to be following the trend of those stories, the technique is to be different, be distinctive. First, what makes your story different from other gangster-falling-for-a-nerd stories? State it on your description. Or better yet, give a little sneak peek from your story. I remember reading the part where the OC was being physically abused in the dark alley and those gangster boys rescued her. Make it short and interesting. Put that in the description.
PLOT/SETTING/FLOW/CHARACTERS
Your plot is not original. It sounds like the same old stuff here in AFF again. Sometimes, that’s the reason why readers become silent readers or why they stopped reading a certain story. Your setting is a school where this “nerdy” girl gets bullied and rescued by gangster boys lead by the male lead. It’s really predictable, which is quite sad because it would really turn-off your readers.
Let us start with your characters.
Your female OC is described as a nerd and is hated because she is a nerd. That is actually a notion that I don’t understand. Hating and bullying someone because she’s a nerd made those mean characters (queenkas and kingkas) seemed like only there to make her life a living hell and to make some drama in the story. It’s not realistic, the way she was bullied in school. People, in reality aren’t really that cruel. Although we are writing fictions, you must also make sure that your characters are realistic. Your OC even sound a little bit immature on the side, despite self-proclaiming herself as a “nerd”. Like in the situation where she rationalized that she’s “only a nerd” so those boys can’t be friends with her. That certain thought isn’t something I would expect from a nerd. I expect that she is more intelligent than that.
It was mentioned that she came from a wealthy family. That is not really shocking. Her parents as wealthy people with businesses all over the world are not convincing. It just seemed out of the blue that you’ve mentioned them as rich people. The phone conversation of the OC and her parents lacked depth for me. One moment they are worried, and then all of a sudden they are “okay” abruptly ending the call after learning that their daughter is with friends. It’s like “WHY DIDN’T YOU GO HOME LAST NIGHT? WE ARE SOOOO WORRIED. OH, YOU’RE WITH YOUR FRIENDS? AH OKAY. BYE.”
When those gangster boys asked if they could be friends with her, it’s (again) not realistic that she trusted them immediately. Number 1, they are boys and she was a very sheltered girl, wouldn’t she be more afraid being alone in their company? They might be killers or rapists for all she know. And yet she immediately trusted them and started developing romantic feelings in just a few chapters. This certain trait of her is another reason why readers will stop reading.
But, what I do find admirable about her is when she kept on throwing those sarcastic jabs on her attackers, despite being physically assaulted in the dark alley. That is something I didn’t expect coming from her.
Now, let us talk about the gangster boys. Did you notice how I said “boys”? I included the male lead here as one of the boys because he really doesn’t have distinctive characteristics. The boys sounded all the same which is a very bad thing. I’m sorry I’m not familiar with the fandom and I even forgot the male lead’s first name which is a bad thing. Since you have many characters, you have to make sure that you will try to make them as diverse (as different) as possible from one another. They cannot be all like cheerful characters. Make one of them as serious, the other one as playful, another guy as ert, etc. Try to make them distinct.
Also, why do they want to protect the girl? Is it because they pity her? It’s not believable for a group of “gangsters” to suddenly warm up to a girl and “simultaneously” decided to protect her. Not realistic. Try to split the group. Say, two of those boys don’t want her in the group. Something like that. It also seemed like the male lead developed jealousy and crush towards her immediately which is too fast considering that they don’t know her well enough.
PLOT HOLES/POINTS
There are many things that can go wrong, but here are some that already did:
-
THE ROMANCE AND FRIENDSHIP DEVELOPED TOO FAST. Like what I’ve already mentioned, they developed too fast. Slow down the tempo.
-
BULLYING IS NOT REALISTIC. It would have been more believable if there are no kicks or punches involved. Bullying through verbal/words is enough and is more realistic.
-
THE OC IS NOT CONVINCING AS A NERD.
-
THE GANGSTERS HAVE THE SAME PERSONALITIES, INCLUDING THE MALE LEAD.
WRITING STYLE/GRAMMAR/CONVENTIONS
I’m sorry, but you need to work on your grammar. I recommend a beta-reader, but personally, I would prefer learning grammar myself. That is entirely up to you. If you want to have an immediate and polished story for AFF, then hire a beta-reader. There are many shops who offer their services. But if you want to learn and develop your writing skills, I recommend taking some time to learn grammar. Everyone commits grammatical errors but you can improve. It is not too late. Saying that English is not the first language is not an excuse. English is my third language, but that didn’t stop me from learning what I can about it. Learn. Practice. Improve.
REVIEWER’S PREFERENCE/AFTER READING THE LAST CHAPTER…
I know you don’t want your story to be labeled as “cliche”, but sadly, it may turn to that direction. There are no original or unexpected elements that will make your story different from thousand AFF stories that have the same plot. But don’t let this review discourage you from writing, dear. Like what I’ve said, learn, practice, and improve. If this is your first story, you made a very brave choice by letting your story be reviewed. Now that you’ve read this, hopefully, you will not hate me. Instead, see this as a reflection and a learning material for you to improve. I can see your passion in writing your story observing the way you update frequently. Take that as an advantage and push yourself more to be the best writer that you can be.
I’m sorry if I offended you, Author-nim. Please take note that sugar-coating my words so that you will not get hurt won’t help. I need to say this in the most straight-forward way that I can. Thank you for trusting me to be your reviewer. Don’t forget to comment and credit by linking the shop.
Your Reviewer,
KnightPhantom
Comments