Behind Closed Eyes | GreenGardenPop
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Behind Closed Eyes | GreenGardenPop
Date Requested: 11/14/15
Review Posted: 12/03/15
FIRST IMPRESSION
(This is the reviewer’s analysis of the story at first glance. This will include the title, tags, foreword, description, graphics, layouts, and even the first chapter. Furthermore, this will discuss if readers will be interested enough to read your story.)
At first glance, “Behind Closed Eyes” is a sophisticated title. It’s thought-provoking and went away from the standard cliché titles that roamed around AFF with the same plot. Even the graphics used are tasteful, went along with one another, and simple enough that they aren’t distracting. The quote in the posters could capture interest and gave hints of the plot without revealing too much.
For your tags, you can also include EXO.
The description, however simple it maybe, revealed too much details. First, you became too specific when you mentioned about Jiyeon’s unemployment status despite graduating from a prestigious school. Take note that in writing Description, you don’t want readers to immediately grasp about the character’s specific conflict. Make it vague. Why not start with something like “Behind her closed eyes, painful reality is replaced by her dreams―a solace from people’s contempt and mockery. And then he came along to uncover the truth behind those closed eyes…” By writing unclear description, it will raise some questions from readers and hopefully will attract them enough to read the first chapter. Second, in your own description, readers immediately learn that the source of Jiyeon’s behavior is the event that happened when she was seven years old. Let readers learn that in the story. That particular part of your description revealed too much. I would recommend removing that one.
The foreword is neat, arranging those credits like that. But if you want to add more attraction, a little quote, sneak peek, dialogue from the story may do the trick. Just make sure that it won’t be too revealing.
The first chapter somehow lacked magnetism to attract readers. Let me discuss it one by one. First, starting with a dream sequence is nice to immediately introduce the character’s tendency to dream in order to escape reality. But the dream itself lacked the magnet factor. In that dream, the couple lacked chemistry. Even when he went to his knee and asked the most romantic question, it didn’t bring out that butterfly-fluttery feeling. I would blame it on Jiyeon’s somewhat bland reaction. I think it would be better if you will end that dream by her tearing her heart out and about to answer with a “yes” but something interrupted her. Maybe include one of those bullies, or a voice inside her saying that she didn’t deserve him. End the dream and wake her up, feeling all depressed and such, and then clutching the necklace given to her by the boy in her dream.
Back to your first chapter, the problem on transitioning is very evident. When I say transition, this is the shifting of one scene from another. In your case, you started with a dream sequence and when she woke up, it’s quite confusing. Readers have to go back and read again to understand. One advice is italicizing your dream sequence. This would greatly help. Remember to also italicize the characters’ thoughts or voices inside their heads. I strongly recommend the usage of italics because some readers who get confused with the transitioning may stop reading the story. Personally, I would too.
I think it would be better if you will include the scene when her father barged into her room, with her mom in the first chapter. End the first chapter with that violent scene and some crying. Make it as your cliffhanger. Make your readers intrigue why her father did that to her. Their questions will be answered in the next chapter.
Reviewer’s First Impression as an Ordinary AFF Reader:
As an AFF reader for years, your title immediately caught my interest. Amidst cliché titles, sophisticated and well thought-out titles like yours are my preference, plus it conveys “angst” and that particular genre is my cup of tea. The graphics are really beautiful in my opinion, simple yet gives hidden meanings such as dreams and hopes. Frankly speaking, the description didn’t do very well for me. I liked short descriptions, but yours didn’t make the cut. Like what I’ve already said, your description revealed too much. Although as a reader, I will still give this story a chance by reading the first chapter. And your first chapter for me? The immediate turn-off for me is the transitioning and the end of the chapter one which isn’t an effective cliffhanger to make me go on and read another. Remember that readers are very particular to first impressions. If they don’t like what they see at first glance, there’s 50:50 chance that they may click the exit button.
PLOT/SETTING/FLOW/CHARACTERS
A socially withdrawn and depressed girl who escapes reality by dreaming and a boy who will try his best to open her eyes to the world could be fascinating for readers, given the right execution and technique. Plus, majority of AFF readers are into “nerdy/loser” girl x “popular” boy fictions, so more or less you attracted their attention. It’s only a matter of getting away from the norm and making the traditional storyline into your own by giving your own flavor to it. And you did it by those consistent dream sequences and the girl’s tendency to be depressed. You made it original that way. But, there are some things that I would like to point out.
Your transitioning makes reading very difficult. It is hard to follow your scenes, especially when those voices inside of her (the devil vs. angel / id vs. superego) appear, and when she was dreaming. Remember to italicize. Another way is to use more than one space after a scene. This will help separate the events and avoid confusing your readers. The flow of events is not smooth because of these problems of transitioning. Please do take note.
You’ve mentioned that I should focus on Character Development.
So I will try to be more in-depth in this area. Let’s start with your OC. One word that would exactly describe her is gloomy. Reading her view of the world made my head ached literally (I’m not kidding). It took me literally ten minutes after reading the last chapter for my headache to go away. I’m not really quite sure if that is a good thing because I am reading angst in the first place. But here is my take: yes, you’ve succeeded in introducing the character as this socially withdrawn girl who doesn’t trust people around her and is insecure about being jobless despite attending a prestigious school.
But here are some holes in her character: If she really doesn’t trust people easily, why did she immediately take a liking on Jongdae? Why did she trust him immediately? I understand that you hinted that he tried talking to her multiple times before and that she mostly ignored him. But then, this first real talk seemed like she trusted him immediately by telling him her problems.
Another thing is that the event that happened when she was seven years old isn’t too brutal for her to behave like a depressed person as she grew up. It would have been more understandable if what happened years before is more brutal such as repeated physical/ual abuse. Becoming socially withdrawn after she was teased and laughed at after tumbling when she was a child made her actually an emotionally weak person. Something is wrong in the way her parents raised her for her to be like that. I understand that there are people like this in reality, people who are very emotional. Some even have this kind of phobia. But in your story, you’re trying to convince that your character is a very emotional person, that she has a phobia, and that you want readers to sympathize with her. Unfortunately, her character execution is lacking depth. In her adult years, her classmates and other people tried approaching her and she was withdrawing herself from them. I understand withdrawal, but mentally calling those person names (es)? I don’t think it would make readers sympathize with the character. It just makes them irritated with her, when she was already “weak” by not defending herself when others bully her. Adding that to her way of thinking others as “es” when they merely give a “slight” mockery (I don’t even consider it mockery even) just won’t make her a lovable character. In fact, it would be horrible to think the possibility that readers may cheer for her downfall.
What I really, really understand and sympathize is her feeling of inferiority as a jobless person despite graduating from a prestigious university, especially when others confront her with it. I find that realistic enough to sympathize with her. I understand her feelings when she found out that the people who ranked lower than her and who attended far less prestigious school had jobs already, while she was still struggling to find one. But it seemed over the top when it was mentioned that she didn’t go out of their house for a year (if that was possible). It was also mentioned that her father owned a business and that she was afraid of working there for fear that the label of a prestigious school will be sullied because of her working there. Even she wanted to work as a factory worker but she was afraid that she would be ridiculed. In fact, she would have been readily accepted in the factory but she didn’t try because she’s afraid. It’s actually a layer of her character that I sympathize and understand wholeheartedly. That kind of thinking is realistic and believable. So good job on that.
Another thing that I would like to point out is her religiousness. It would be more convincing if her faith in God started diminishing during that year of isolation, instead of merely saying that she didn’t believe anymore all of a sudden in one scene. That was too abrupt, too sudden for a religious person to say that out of the blue.
When she was being bullied in school (with that bread-beard scenario: I actually find the poem hilarious and witty), she resorted to being passive-aggressive (getting revenge by outranking that classmate who made the poem). That showed, even for a moment that she was a fighter and I think that’s a good one and that this trait can be developed more by showing more scenes like this in the future chapters. In fact, there’s a realistic factor into it, since she cannot confront her adversaries, she resorted to passive-aggressive behavior which is understandable.
Now let us talk about Jongdae. Readers only knew about him through the girl’s dreams and those talks of theirs. With only a few chapters, readers don’t know about him much. But then, I don’t really quite feel his chemistry with the girl yet, which is alarming because romance must play a very vital role in the story. I think this is because their first real talk seemed unrealistic, in a sense that the girl instantly trusted him with her problems. The scene that actually made him interesting for me is when the girl is dreaming about him in the church and that fiancée showed up all of a sudden. I also liked his simple line “Keep looking” when the girl told him that she was between jobs. It was exactly the right thing to say in that situation and those simple words made him a sensitive person in my eyes.
I would also like to emphasize the OC’s parents. I actually commiserate her father’s frustration of her daughter’s behavior of locking herself in her room. I understood his anger and in fact, I was cheering him on when he was confronting her daughter, even though there was physical maltreatment involved, it seemed rational for him to do that to her because she was that frustrating. Her mother, on the other hand is an embodiment of a real mother. I actually would like to congratulate you on making her parents believable in my eyes. I’m glad you didn’t make the OC orphan or make those parents live in abroad or something.
PLOT HOLES/POINTS:
I’ve already mentioned some character holes that need mending. Now let me state some plot holes that may appear in the future or some points that need focus:
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A CERTAIN IMPORTANT SITUATION THAT WILL MAKE JIYEON ABANDON HER “WITHDRAWN” BEHAVIOR. Give a turning point in the story where she will be tested—where she will finally defend herself, surprising the people around her, even herself.
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MAKE HER PARENTS PROUD. Don’t forget that these parents play vital roles. Make them proud of her in the end.
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SOURCE OF HER WITHDRAWAL BEHAVIOR. The event that transpired when she was 7 years old isn’t really a very big deal. Think of a more provoking event/s. I know that you’re trying to convey that she is a very emotional person, but then, the way you executed her reason for social withdrawal is not convincing me.
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TOO MUCH ANGST. Learn to balance. There’s too much angst, too much darkness. Project some scenes that are also fluffy and cute without overshadowing the angst.
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ROMANCE. Spice up the romance. Make your readers squeal. Make Jongdae not so available. So far, he seemed all-too-ready to be taken by the girl. He seemed too easy. Make him likeable, yet unreachable.
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THE ENDING. It would be great if the ending is her dream sequence in the beginning (the proposal).
WRITING STYLE/GRAMMAR/CONVENTIONS
You have a decent grammar, better than most AFF readers. But do take note (again) the way you do transitions. Remember to italicize your dream sequences and thoughts. Put spaces between your paragraphs. Like what I’ve already said, readers may stop reading if they have difficulty reading. You don’t want losing readers.
REVIEWER’S PREFERENCE/AFTER READING THE LAST CHAPTER…
I realized how the title strongly supported the story. After understanding that her dreams are her escape from reality, “Behind Closed Eyes” is the perfect title for your story. Like what I’ve said, I had the headache after reading. There’s too much angst despite the fact that I loved the genre. Learn to balance. Jiyeon, if given the right polish and character-turn (getting out of shell) will be a great character to watch out for, while Jongdae still need more spotlight for readers to know him more. The general plot wasn’t entirely original, but hey, you’ve managed to give you own version of it by incorporating those dream sequences which made the story different. I would still continue reading the story, now that Jongdae appeared.
Are you familiar with the song Read All About It by Emeli Sande? The song could be your story’s soundtrack.
One last advice that I want to impart: Take some time to reply to your readers. Through active intreraction with them, you'll be able to draw out more constructive criticism from them. I also observed that readers will feel "unimportant" if the writers don't reply to them.
I’m sorry if I am too blunt with the review. Hopefully, you will find this helpful not only for this story but to your future/other stories as well. Thank you for trusting me and for being the first one to request! Don’t forget to comment and credit by linking the shop.
Your Reviewer,
KnightPhantom
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