Define 7: A Game of ‘Truth or Truth’

Aya couldn’t tell if it was morning or dawn. She couldn’t tell if night or dusk was. Whichever it was, she knew it was dark outside and that the darkness outside was adding the darkness inside her room.

It was raining and it was Monday.

She had been awake since two o’clock in the morning and she decided to just lie on the bed and drift to that Saturday Funday. It was the best Saturday she ever had in many years. She never had that kind of fun since forever and it was nice to feel it again.

It was nice to share it with Kai.

A small smile decorated her lips. They had gone home after that moment they shared that night. Kai, being the man, walked no…biked her back home. They shared one bike, Kai cycling and herself sitting behind him. All the time, she her arms around Kai’s waist to hold on and Kai was cycling with one hand and the other one was holding Aya’s clasp hands.

If they were in a different situation, Aya had probably squealed but that time, it didn’t send those butterflies in her stomach but it made her feel so comfortable. Comfort was better than fluff. For Aya, anyway.

They departed that night with smiles on their faces.

Aya could hear the drips of the rain hit her window pane. It was the only noise she could hear except for the soft ticking of her alarm clock. The pit pat, the tic toc. It made her feel so calm. She had spent her Sunday on her bed as well. All she did was thinking, sorting out her mind and looking through pictures that she and Kai had taken.

She reached her hand to grab the picture that was on her bedside table. She looked at it and immediately the smile widened on her lips. It was the picture she had taken of Kai at the Ferris Wheel. He really did look like a small boy. Excited, happy, blissful and content. It was picturesque.

Just then her alarm clock rang.

Whilst she looked at the time, a sigh escaped her lips. 7:01. It was time to get up and face the day.

Aya was wet with rain when she arrived in SSPA thus; she was pissed early in the morning. But since it wasn’t only her who was, she was at the least feeling good because it wasn’t only her that was feeling the ‘pissed off’ vibe.

The students were crammed inside the hallway probably because they couldn’t go outside to the grounds and do their usual thing there. They were all looking like sick puppies at the view outside of the school which is the school grounds. And because there were many creatures in the hallway, Aya had troubles twisting and turning through the crowd. 

  Where was she heading? To Joonmyeon-songsaenim’s classroom to pass her report. She hadn’t had time to ‘improvise’ it so she merely let it be when she started it. Her Sunday was spent lazy-ing around and finishing up a report was not exactly a part of lazy-ing around.

She was about two classrooms away from the American History of Music classroom which is also known to be Joonmyeon-songsaenim’s permanent hobbit hole. Yeah. The guy lives there all his life. Workaholic, that one. Just when she was about two steps away from the classroom, she saw that there was a small open of the door then she heard two male voices; vague but nonetheless, familiar.

‘…is this really the right thing to do, Joonmyeon?’

Is that Doctor Kim Minseok?, she thought.

‘I don’t know Minseok!’ the second male voice sounded so defeated. So unsure…and restless. ‘I-I don’t know, okay! But…but I’ll do whatever it takes to fix him.’

That should be Joonmyeon-songsaenim.

Aya didn’t exactly mean to eavesdrop in their conversation. But it was a rare occasion that Joonmyeon-songsaenim raised his voice. Like really. He usually had this gentle and polite voice on especially when he spoke to his co-teachers. Also, Aya knew that Joonmyeon-songsaenim would only raise his voice if he was already annoyed, really angry or…whatever things that really riled him up.

In this case, Aya could hear a trace of frustration and hopelessness in his tune.

What were he and Doctor Kim talking about to get the songsaenim to this level anyway?

‘He’s not some kind of toy, Joonmyeon…’ Dr. Kim’s voice was opposite to Joonmyeon-songsaenim. It was calm as if his colleague did not just raise his voice at him. ‘He’s human and pain always leaves scars in a human’s heart. Scars that couldn’t be fixed. It’s already a part of him that one could not take away, my friend. He’s used to living with darkness looming over him.’

Now, Aya got really more confused. Who exactly is ‘he’?

‘N-No..’

‘Can you blame him for it? He believes that he’s lost everything in just a blink of an eye at such tender age and ended up blaming himself for it. You’ll just have to understand him and let him be, Joonmyeon. It’s his life and it’s his choice if he wants to leave his demons behind and move on and it’s in his choice if he decides to live with the burden constantly weighing down his shoulders. Doesn’t it ever occur to you that what you’ve been doing all these years isn’t helping him but actually making it harder for him to stand up again?’

An image was triggering in Aya’s mind. No… she couldn’t just conclude him for what Doctor Kim said. It could be anyone. Hell, it could be him. She leaned closer to their conversation, her hands shaking. Her thoughts were starting to get jumbled together. They’re talking about him. Oh god. They couldn’t be…

No…

‘The thing he is on stage is not him, Minseok. It…h-he…’ there was a hesitation in Joonmyeon-songsaenim’s voice. He sounded like he was trying to catch his own breath. ‘He used to be so different. The name he invented, it’s not him. The thing all these people here see on stage is an unbelievable god from those mythologies but when I look at him performing, I…I see a stranger not the little brother I used to play bastketball with…’

‘Joonmyeon…’

‘He’s hiding the real person inside of him. It’s still there. I…I know it’s still there. He’s just so scared of the world. He’s just so frightened of what may happen if he opens up again. I know him, Minseok and it hurts so hard to see him fearing his own self!’

‘God Joonmyeon.” She heard the doctor gasp. ‘ Why are you suddenly crying?’

Joonmyeon-songsaenim chuckled drily. ‘He’s my brother and I’ll do everything to save him, Minseok. I’ll find a way to revive Kim Jongin. ’

That was the last straw.

Aya’s eyes widened, gaped open. Her hands were clutching her abnormally beating heart. Blood was pounding on her ears. She felt the world around her turn slowly. The realization came hitting her like a sledgehammer. Kai’s words that Saturday night came in a flash of flashback.

‘…I look at him as my brother’

She remembered the songsae’s words.

‘…He’s my brother and I’ll do everything to save him, Minseok’

It all made sense now. Oh god.

She hastily breathed out the breath she didn’t know she was holding. She was shaking so hard right now and she didn’t even know why. She couldn’t stand listening to the truth again. She just can’t…

So, she stood up and ran to somewhere she didn’t know where and while that, she accidentally slammed the small open of the door shut. It was a bit too hard and the songsaes probably noticed it but Aya couldn’t care less. All she could think about was how Joonmyeon-songsaenim and Doctor Kim’s conversation fitted Kai’s words like a puzzle.

Oh god.

“Aya-ssi!”

She heard Joonmyeon-songsaenim’s voice behind her as she ran. She didn’t know where she was but she knew that students were looking at her as if she was crazy. Aya didn’t care as well.

‘We used to be really close…’

‘…I’ll do whatever it takes to fix him’

‘…he tried to fix things up’

‘…He’s my brother…’

Aya’s heart was beating so fast. Her breaths came in by gasps. This was the thing she’s been missing all the time. Oh god. She couldn’t think straight. Joonmyeon-songsaenim’s voice was starting to drone out. She could barely hear it. Until she reached a dead end. She was facing a wall. She couldn’t run anymore. She fell on her knees, gasping for air. She could feel water dripping down her face. 

She didn’t know until now that she was crying.

She harshly wiped the tears away.

She knew now. This thing that Joonmyeon-songsaenim put her into. It was all for a show. The whole reporting thing was for a show. He purposely paired her to Kai in attempt to fix him. Aya couldn’t help but to feel used. What was she? Did he believe that she was a some kind of magical tool that could fix a broken soul up? She was as broken as Kai! What was Joonmyeon-songsaenim thinking?

“Aya-ssi…”

“There was no report at all, was it?”

Aya’s voice turned out to be cold and sharp. She heard him take a sharp intake behind her.

“Please let me explain…”

Aya chuckled humorlessly. She tried to stand up but it ended up that her knees were still shaking. She fell down but before she could hit the ground, she felt a pair of strong arms around her, stopping her from the momentum. She tried pushing the arms away but it was way too strong for her own liking.

“Please let me go, songsaenim.”

“No.”

Aya gulped the lump on . You can do this, Aya Han. She stood up again, taking a deep breath as she goes. After a minute or two, she was finally able to. The songsaenim gently released her from his grip. She paused for a moment before she turned around to face the songsae.

There, she was met with the most defeated soul ever. The songsaenim looked like he wasn’t sleeping for days judging from the bags under his eyes. His jet black hair was tousled all around. Stress wrinkled his forehead. His lips were formed to a frown. His obsidian eyes looked so downcast. Then, she took in his fame. His shoulders were sagged. His clothes were wrinkled as if he didn’t give a damn whatever he looked right now.

He looked so foreign like this.

Aya’s heart clenched. “Songsaenim, w-why?”

“I’ll explain it to you. Just…” he took in a ragged breath. “Not here. Would you come with me to my classroom so I could start from the beginning, Aya-ssi?”

It could be his pitiful expression or Aya’s curiosity was the reason she did so but she knew that she nodded and followed his trail.

Whatever it was, it should go down now.

When they arrived in his classroom, the doctor wasn’t there and as usual, the professor’s stuffs were all over the place. The classroom was a bit dark not just because the lights weren’t on but also because of the dark morning they had outside. The room was deadly silent except for the sound the drops of rain did outside. Aya didn’t bother; she was too busy fancying the cracks of the tiles on the floor.

“Please take a seat, Aya-ssi..”

Aya scrambled through her feet, still looking at the floor and sat down at the nearest seat she could occupy which was also the nearest one to the door. It was a seat her classmate for this subject Seulgi took residence on. She fidgeted with her fingers, still trying to drown in what had happened. But because it did happen actually, Aya was not so sure whether she wanted the whole story or not.

Truth is always so scary, that Aya believed.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this, Aya-ssi.” He said. “I…I didn’t know what to do anymore.”

His voice sounded so sincere. So heartbreaking. Joonmyeon-songsaenim sounded exactly like Kai when Kai blamed himself for the reason that he believed he almost killed Aya. She bit her lip before forming to say something without looking at him, “I can’t forgive you until you tell me the whole story, songsaenim.” She said, her voice so small but audible through the silence of the room.

But she felt wrong too. It was as if everything here was something so private. She felt like she’d been prying in someone’s own life. In reality, she really was prying with Kai’s life with that journal of hers. On the contrary, she’d been doing it because she’d never thought that his life issue was as big as this. And eavesdropping earlier was just out of bounds.

“I’m sorry for listening to yours and Doctor Kim’s conversation, songsaenim.” Aya said, almost whispered. She just felt so ashamed of herself. “I…I didn’t mean to—“

“Are you apologizing for what you did or are you apologizing because you heard snippets of truth you shouldn’t have known?”

She sunk in her seat. “It’s only fair,” she muttered still fidgeting with her fingers. “We’re both at fault here. You don’t need to accuse me, songsaenim.”

The professor chuckled drily which made this Aya feel more uncomfortable. “Then I guess, we should drop the subject of apologizing and forgiving?”

She didn’t exactly know what to answer.

“Aya-ssi…”

Aya slowly looked up. She found her professor leaning on the windowpane with crossed arms and a gentle look on his face. “Yes, songsaenim?”

“Ready to hear the story?”

She didn’t know if she was. But yeah, everything had to go down now. “Yeah.”

‘Joonmyeon-ah, your cousin’s downstairs.’

Thirteen-year old Kim Joonmyeon dropped the rubrics cube he was previously trying to solve and grinned at her mother who was at the doorway of his room. Finally! He could have fun!

Joonmyeon speeded out of his room, almost knocking out his mum in the process. He heard his Mum’s protest but he was already too busy formulating possible things he and his cousin could do for the whole day. It’s been years since the last time he saw his cousin. The last time, his cousin was just a seven-year old and he just turned ten. He missed playing with his little cousin!

When he was downstairs, he was met with a warm bear hug from his Autine Hee Young. ‘I missed you, Joonmyeon-ah!’ Then, his auntie took a step back and gave him this ‘motherly’ look like his own mother always had. It was plain weird to look at. ‘Look at you! You’ve grown! The last time I saw you, you were wearing a Spongebob Squarepants T-shirt and now…oh my…you’re a teenager now!’ Joonmyeon could swear, his Auntie was going to cry with that sniffing of hers.

‘Where’s Jongin?’ Joonmyeon asked, looking around the living room to find any signs of his little cousin. His nerves were jumping up and down.

‘Hyung!’

Joonmyeon turned around to where the kitchen leads. Surely, Jongin was holding two chicken nuggets in both of his hands and had a toothy grin on his face. Joonmyeon’s eyes turned to crescent moons. He laughed. Yes, his cousin was still a total food hoarder. Then, he took in his appearance. Indeed, Jongin had grown as well. The last time he saw him, he was five inches shorter than him and now. Wow. He looked like they were in the same height.

‘You’ve just arrived and you’re already eating,’ Joonmyeon playfully teased. ‘Some things don’t just change, do they little brother?’

Although Jongin was his cousin but he called him as his ‘little brother’ because he treated him one. It was hard being an only child in the family. Joonmyeon’s mother couldn’t bear more children so Jongin was the closest thing he had for a sibling.

Jongin stuck his tongue out to Joonmyeon and put the two nuggets in his mouth. Joonmyeon heard his Auntie gasp and chastise Jongin for his as his Autie could eloquently put it, ‘barbaric and unacceptable’ manners. Jongin rolled his eyes, munching the food in his mouth in disdain. Joonmyeon could merely stifle a laugh. He’d be dead the second his mother hears him laugh.

“So, he was your cousin not your brother?” Aya asked. If this was a normal situation, she’d be awed at how Joonmyeon-songsaenim treated Kai like his own little brother. It was just so brotherly.

Joonmyeon songsaenim nodded. “Yeah even though we didn’t get to see each other often, he’s the closest thing I have for a sibling.” A small smile formed on his lips. “His dad, died just a year after Kai was born. Auntie Heeyoung never married again and only had Kai. So, he was an only child as I was.” He breathed out. “We were really close. Played pranks a lot, we did. Goofed like total dorks, we were. We even made a mess in a nearby shop. We got punished of course but since we goofed with our punishment, my Mum and Auntie Heeyoung gave us more hours of punishment.”

‘You two rascals are not going to eat dinner nor are going to take any snack from the kitchen. Also, you may only have a glass of water each and exceeding from that is prohibited.’

Jongin wailed at the mention of being banned from food. For him, the world had ended without food. Joonmyeon was trying to puppy eyes to her mother so that she may release them from their punishment. ‘Come on Mum~ You love us, right?’

‘Yes I and Auntie Heeyoung love both of you that’s why we are doing this to the both of you,’ His mother sighed, rubbing her temples. She looked at Joonmyeon with an exhausted expression. At the background, Joonmyeon could hear his Auntie Heeyoung talk to the phone with the owner of the shop they just destroyed. ‘It’s for discipline, Joonmyeon-ah~’ his mother added.

‘Auntie, you can’t do this to me~’ Jongin whined struggling to keep the two books balanced on his outstretched arms. His emotional breakdown looked legit enough because of the tears flowing down on his eyes. He really looked like he regretted what he did but of course Joonmyeon knew better, he was only doing this for food’s sake. ‘Joonmyeon-hyung dragged me into this. It was his idea that we make a mess out of the convenience store! I’m innocent~’

Joonmyeon rolled his eyes. ‘Little brother, the CCTV could tell the truth. You did the mess first and I followed.’

‘You’re not helping hyung,’  Jongin groaned.

Joonmyeon’s mother sighed. “I know you two only did it for fun but it was a very bad thing to do,’ his mother turned around. ‘I hope you two learn your lessons’, she added before going towards where Auntie Heeyoung was.

Just a few seconds her mother had gone, Jongin started laughing. Joonmyeon joined him a few moments later. The weight on his outstretched hands couldn’t replace the fun he and his cousin had. The punishment was more than worth it.

‘Do you think they won’t really feed us, hyung?’  Jongin asked, balancing himself on one leg. He suddenly got a little wobbly and the books almost fell down, luckily, he had dancer feet so he stopped himself from falling down right on time.

Joonmyeon shrugged. ‘I guess you’d have to skip dinner and midnight snack for tonight, Jongin-ah.’

Jongin groaned. ‘Man, my last night here and they’re not feeding me.’ He turned to Joonmyeon. ‘This is supposed to be child abuse, right hyung?’

Joonmyeon had almost forgotten. Jongin and his Auntie were going to China for the time being. Auntie Heeyoung got a promotion from work that’s why she and Jongin had to transfer there.  Jongin would continue his education there and it’ll be awhile until they go back here. He suddenly felt his mood go down. Of course. It’ll be years that he’ll be able to see see his little brother again.

Their flight was tomorrow. Jongin was leaving tomorrow. His little brother would be gone tomorrow.

‘I’ll miss Seoul.’

‘No, you’ll miss the food here not Seoul.’ Joonmyeon quickly corrected trying to sound nonchalant but really, he was sad of Auntie Heeyoung and Jongin’s departure.

‘I’m sure you’ll miss me too.’ Jongin added playfully. ‘Won’t you, hyung? You don’t get friends a lot and I’m closest one to that label. You’ve always been anti-people, you.’

Friend. Jooonmyeon shook his head. No, Jongin was not a friend. Friend would be an understatement of the year. ‘You’re my brother.’

There was a quick silence while that Joonmyeon  had his eyes closed. Jongin is here and this is going to be his last night. His chest clenched. The silence was replaced by suspicious sniffs coming from his little brother. ‘You’re so sappy, hyung.’

‘You’re the sappy one!’ Joonmyeon said, chuckling. He adjusted the books on his outstretched hands. Then he looked at Jongin trying to desperately keep the books from falling while sticking his tongue out. There were still stray tears in Jongin’s face but nevertheless, he looked incredibly stupid doing that sticking tongue out thing.

Joonmyeon would be lying if he said that he won’t miss Jongin. Oh he’d miss him, alright. His knack for eating chicken, his crazy dance moves, his obnoxious laugh, his bad jokes and well, he’d just….everything about his little brother, Joonmyeon would miss. Jongin was right about the part that Joonmyeon rarely made friends. He was awkward around people and kids his age didn’t like kids who were awkward. Jongin’s playful attitude blew away that awkwardness in Joonmyeon. He was ready to do anything for the sake of Jongin. Pranks, jokes, stuffs.

As his hyung, Joonmyeon just wished that he’d stay the same while he’s in China.

‘Jongin-ah,’

Jongin looked at him with an attentive expression. ‘Yeah hyung?’

‘Don’t change, alright?’ he said.

There was that silence again. Joonmyeon didn’t know what Jongin was thinking and the older was forced to think possibilities. Then, his little brother chuckled before saying, ‘You’d always be my brother, alright?’

Joonmyeon and Jongin looked at each other and grinned at the same time. A silent agreement between the two.

“Auntie Heeyoung and he left for China the day after that day.” Joonmyeon songsaenim said, looking at the view outside the window. Aya couldn’t help but wonder at his expression. It was a look of nostalgia and something so heartbreaking. His eyes were downcast. His shoulders sagged even more. It was as if he was remembering something so bitterly sweet.

Aya could only listen to him continue.

“A year after they went to China, my family and I left for America as well. Turns out that my Dad had a promotion so we had to transfer there. In New York we lived. We started a new life there and I never saw Jongin ever again. We were continents away from each other and Auntie Heeyoung was as busy as my parents so we didn’t exactly have a family reunion.” Then, he sighed. Aya watched him look so down. The small smile was gone from his lips and was replaced with a frown.

 “I was finally adjusting with the whole New York life. It’s been five years you know so it’s impossible not to. Then, one day, Mum got a call. I didn’t know who was it from but one thing for sure, my Mum cried so hard. She and my father went to their rooms. I tried to eavesdrop but I couldn’t quite get the whole whispered conversation going on. All I heard from them was the words ‘dead’ and ‘South Korea’. About two hours when my Mum finally calmed down, she told me everything.”

Aya saw him take a deep breath. “Turns out that Auntie Heeyoung and Jongin returned to Seoul but didn’t say anything about it. They’ve already been here for more than one month and we never knew anything.” He let out the breath he was holding in which the breath he let out visibly clouded the window. “We returned to Korea and that’s where I found that Jongin was never the same person.”

‘Jongin-ah, it’s Auntie, I made tea downstairs. Do you want some?’

The voice from her mother’s voice was shaky probably because she’d been crying a lot since the funeral. Joonmyeon’s mother had puffy eyes and her face looked so lonely. It’s only been two hours since the funeral of Auntie Heeyoung. The guests had already left thirty minutes ago and they’ve only been in the house for one hour. Jongin had locked himself in his room upon arriving in the house.

Joonmyeon put a hand around his mother in attempt to comfort her while looking at the door. Jongin’s been locking himself out from the world since the death of Auntie Heeyoung. Joonmyeon could still remember the first time he saw him after many years. He was not the same at all. He didn’t laugh, smiled or even acknowledged him. It was as if Jongin had never known Joonmyeon.

Joonmyeon tried to understand that Jongin was just hurting from his mum’s death. But lately, Jongin was just shutting everyone up. He rarely went down to eat and even went out of the room. Joonmyeon always kept on hoping that one day Jongin would open up to him. He was worried for the younger hiding the pain he’d been feeling. When he asked his Mum about what really did happen, his Mum would only gave him a sad look and she’d only say that ‘Jongin thinks that it’s his fault’ but everyone knew except for Jongin that it wasn’t his.

Joonmyeon wanted to talk to him so badly. But how could he? Jongin would barely open his door and the last time he did saw him, Joonmyeon was afraid that he’d break Jongin. Jongin was looked so fragile, so…vulnerable. At the funeral, Jongin had barely shed a tear but when one really did look at him, one could see the shadows under those eyes and in those eyes was the hurt, the guilt, the anger, the hopelessness mixed together in an agonizing phenomenon of pain.

‘J-Joonmyeon, I…I don’t know…’ His mother cried. Joonmyeon quickly muffled her cries by cradling his frail mother in his chest. He couldn’t quite hear what his mother was saying but she knew she was. Whatever it was, it was probably in the lines that his mother did not know what to do of Jongin.   His mother had carried the burden of Jongin on her shoulders, saying that her Aunt Heeyoung would never like what Jongin had become. Joonmyeon himself didn’t like what was happening to Jongin.

‘Why don’t you go down and take a deep breath, Mum?’ Joonmyeon whispered softly, almost afraid that his mother had gone fragile as well and that he may break her. He looked at the wooden door on Jongin’s room. ‘I’ll try talking him.’ He felt his mother nod before she took a step back. She gave him a look, Joonmyeon offered her a small smile and he nodded. He saw her nod unsurely before wiping the tears in her eyes. Mum patted Joonmyeon’s arm in a motherly way before she turned around to the stairway and went down.

When Joonmyeon was sure she was down, he turned to the door again. They tried opening the doorknob before but it was lock. They tried opening it with the key but it seems that Kai had several locks on his door inside his room. Joonmyeon took a deep breath and raised his right hand to knock thrice. Like usual, there was no answer.

He sighed, putting his hand down. ‘Jongin…’ he trailed.

That was when Joonmyeon didn’t know what to say. He had no idea what to tell him. He wanted to talk to him but he didn’t what to. He didn’t know what to say to fifteen-year old who had lost his mother. He didn’t know what to say to his cousin he’d never seen for more than six years. He didn’t know what to say to his little brother.

If he was still…

‘Are you there?’ It was the first thought that came in his mind. Stupid, but needless to say, was a good start. Even if he didn’t hear any signs of movements inside the room but he knew that Jongin was there because for the past few days, he was getting the food that Joonmyeon’s Mum was dropping outside the door of Jongin’s room. He was there and he was sure that whatever he was doing right now, he would be listening.

The silence did not stop Joonmyeon. ‘Do you remember the time we pranked the mean old man next door back in my house about seven or six years ago?’ there was no answer. Joonmyeon sighed, recalling the event. ‘He was really uptight to us back then, neh? You remember we accidentally sent the soccer ball we were playing with to his backyard and he suddenly went beast mode and kept the soccer ball in his house. He didn’t return it so we formulated a revenge plan.’ He paused. ‘You remember that we gathered all the dog poo we could see and dropped all of it in the backyard that night and when he woke up in the morning, he suddenly got all angry and he went to our house and he complained it to Mum and Aunt Heeyoung. He smelled like dung then, right then Jongin-ah?’

A small smile unconsciously formed on Joonmyeon’s lips. It happened years ago when he was naïve and young but recalling it this way felt like it happened yesterday. He could remember the way Jongin laughed like a rabid dog when he saw the old man outside the door looking like a fuming tomato, he could remember how he vomited twice when they were gathering the dog dung, he could still remember how Jongin’s eyes lit up in a way only a happy, innocent and childish boy could. Back then, Jongin’s eyes shone so brightly like a billion of stars lived in those. He used to believe when they were young that the lights in Jongin’s eyes would never die down nor will it wilt or go empty.

And Joonmyeon was so wrong to assume that.

Joonmyeon sighed, turned around so that his back was now leaning on the door. He threw his head upward to lean it as well against the mahogany door, a soft thump emitting from it when he did so. ‘It’s been so long since the last time we did those kind of stupid things, right Jongin-ah?’ he said, raising his voice in a way that even if Jongin was not listening, it would still reach him inside his room. ‘I miss it, you know. I never got to be a kid in New York. I was busy adapting to the culture there. It’s really different here and there. Kids there looked a little older than I was but we were in the same age. I never really got to make friends. You remember that I’m anti-people, right?’

He was speaking to the wind. Joonmyeon did not get any reply from Jongin. But, he was still hoping. Hope’s the only thing they could rely on when it comes to Jongin these days. So, Joonmyeon continued, “I hope you’re listening, Jongin.” He breathed out. ‘You know that I’m not going to give up on you, right? I’m going to be here all the time. I’ll always be here, little brother.’

“I remember the time the first time I saw his eyes again after more than five years.” Joonmyeon-songsaenim gripped the ledge of the windowpane tightly, his eyes never unwavering from his gaze outside the window. “It was not the same bright eyes wherein unlimited number stars resided in. It was not the same eyes that screamed mischief and vigor. No, it wasn’t any of those like I remembered when we were youngsters. His eyes were so different. Cold, dark, unreadable, hard…void of any emotions.”

Aya remained quiet in her seat, fidgeting her fingers. The description made her blood turn cold. She knew that eyes the professor was referring to. She knew exactly how cold, dark, unreadable, and hard and void of any emotions Kai’s eyes were. She knew exactly how those eyes worked. She knew how well those eyes made her feel so uncomfortable and anxious. Just by describing it, Aya could almost feel the same eyes burning holes behind her head. The shiver ran to Aya’s spine. She gulped, trying to ignore the cold feeling, “D-Did he…ever come out of his room?” It was a stupid question but Aya wanted to disperse the feeling and the memory of Kai’s penetrating, calculating and enigmatic translucent eyes from away her nerves and mind.

His beautiful, haunting eyes…

“Yes. We thought that he’d return to his own self but it seems that the darkness beneath his soul just improved to an even darker hollow inside his heart every single day. We tried signing him to a therapy but that did not exactly work too.” The professor paused, taking a deep breath. “My mother and dad returned to New York after a few months. I remained here in Seoul because I couldn’t leave Jongin by his own. I…I well…it got harder by the days the years passed by. Jongin barely returned home nor did I see him. He barely talked to me. He did went to school but I didn’t even know how was he doing in that area. He ignored me, gave a cold shoulder. Almost as if we never met nor did we know each other.”

Joonmyeon-songsaenim actions became repetitive now. He took a deep breath again and exhaled it the he did it again all over. “He became more and more different as days grew. He shut the world around him. He barely made friends or talked to other people. He was cold, unapproachable and quiet. When he was home, he locked himself in his room. Ever year, whenever it was the day that Aunt Heeyoung died, he’d be gone for one whole day and night and would spend it watching her tombstone. He wouldn’t talk nor listen to me. As seasons passed, so did he became darker and more. His eyes…it turned colder, darker and more reserved. His eyes…it’s shutting the real him inside. Protecting it. It’s always wary…almost like as if it’s a wall—“

“Barrier.” The word just came out of Aya’s mouth like a firecracker. Realizing what she did, she reached both of her hands to cover . She looked at the professor in a hysteric way. The professor looked at her with the same sad, lonely eyes but his face showed a slight recognition. He gave Aya a short smile, “Do you know why I paired both of you for the report, Aya?”

She shook her head.

“Because you understand him.”

If that wasn’t enough for the professor to drive Aya mad. He added, “Do you know why he came back that Wednesday when you expected him not to?”

‘And what is your idea of improvising, Kai?...’

‘Chicken and coffee…’

Of course how could she forget the first actual meeting she had with Kai. How could she forget the first time after many years that she hung out with another person? How could she forget the night she had so much fun after their death? How could she forget the day she got a small glimpse of the real Kai?

She remembered that he did showed up that Wednesday night but she did not know why nor did she know why he decided make her tag along with him. Aya shook her head, “No…”

“You understood him.”

What?

Aya’s mind flew to the professor’s story then to how Kai behaved.

He used be a young boy full of mischief and childishness.

When his mother died, he turned away from his humanity.

Kai shut the world around him and barely talked to anyone.

Joonmyeon-songsaenim tried setting him up with a bunch of things that didn’t made Kai happy but instead turned him worse.

He locked the real self inside of him.

The thoughts pounded Aya’s head. She was recalling the story and looking at images of Kai’s behavior all at the same time. She could almost make up an image of Kai in a form of a young boy that grinned and held a friend chicken on one hand then it would switch to what the songsaenim describe the new Jongin, cold, hard and reserved. Kai’s dark translucent suddenly popped in her eyes. She could still feel how those eyes searched her soul. She gulped…

All these years, Kai was finding someone that would be able to understand him without trying to make him someone he’d long threw away. Kai hid himself from the world because he thought that nobody would ever understand the way he worked with his new self. Joonmyeon-songsaenim was not able to understand him because the professor believed that the thing that Kai was displaying to the world was not someone he used to know. Kai was a permanent part of him. The darkness inside of him was a part of him. He was used to the shadows looming over him. Doctor Minseok was right about that part…

Joonmyeon-songsaenim would never understand that.

Aya’s chest was heating up. Kai had stuck with her because she was as broken as him. He came back that Wednesday night because he knew that she had the same darkness as he had residing inside her heart. The two of them fit like a puzzle. They had the same scars in their hearts that would never be unhealed, same hollowness and same breaking point.

Aya was as messed up as Kai.

Two broken pieces of the same puzzle…

 “Renaissance,” the professor drove Aya way from her stupor. Aya’s breath hitched in . She clenched her fist. The professor continued, not sensing the tension that was building up in Aya. “It means ‘rebirth’, Aya. You both needed it. You can fix him—“

‘He’s not some kind of toy, Joonmyeon…’

“He’s not some kind of a toy, songsaenim.” The words spewed away from again but this time she did not bother to cover . Aya knew now what the doctor’s words meant. Did Joonmyeon-songsaenim really believe that he could still ‘fix’ Kai? This thought angered Aya. She clenched her fist more, the knuckles turning almost white. “It’s a thing that he lost in the fire. A permanent scar than one couldn’t erase. It’ll always be there. It’s a part of him.” She exhaled to calm her nerves. Closing her eyes, she continued. “From those scars, someone learns either for the good or for the bad of it.”

“But rebirth—“

“There’s no rebirth to those who doesn’t want it, songsaenim.” Aya snapped her wild obsidian eyes to the professor. Her blood was boiling from the pressure she felt and she was shaking not because it was cold but from the burning unknown inside her chest. It was driving her insane. She took a deep breath, her eyes never unwavering from the professor’s confused gaze. “Rebirth is renewal, replenishment, revival and resurgence. He doesn’t need either of those things, professor. The world he lives in right now is twisted and cruel and that thing you see in him is his way of adjusting to it. You’d just have to accept it that way.”

The songsaenim’s eyes and hers met in an epic. Whilst Aya’s eyes was not shifting from the coldness it had, the professor’s eyes was and she watched those orbs change from confusion, frustration, guilt, anger, fury, annoyance, then back to confusion again.

Yes, he would never understand because he has never experienced anything close to the darker side of life.

Then, the professor looked away again to the same thing he was looking outside of the window. Aya finally tore her gaze from him and looked down in her hand. Her hands were still shaking from its clenched state. Her knuckles were officially pale and was about to turn bluish-purple from the loss of blood circulation. She unclenched it slowly and softly sighed in relief to feel warmth creeping back to her wrist, to her palm then to her fingers. Her heart was still pounding; she tried to calm it down by taking in small breaths and thinking of happy thoughts. But Aya found it hard to think of ‘happy thoughts’ in her situation right now so she settled with the breaths.

There was that silence again. Aya desperately wanted to know what the professor was thinking or doing but she didn’t have that courage to look at him again after she slapped him back to reality (read: sassed). It’s the thing she’d always wanted to do years ago to those people who told her everything was going to be alright and that she was going to return to her own self soon. She wanted to tell them those kind of things to wake them up from the petty belief that what they told Aya back then would help her to move on.

Those things they said, it did not help her at all.

They should’ve known. Different people cope up with their losses in different ways. Some succumb to depression and find their self drowning in alcohol and drugs, some fully cave in to the loneliness, some becomes an entirely new person to move on and some, well, some are more lucky enough to be able to really move from the loss and return to their own lives. For Kai, he was two persons now; the first one being the dominant one and the bigger part of him, the Kai who everyone talks about. It’s the first person out of the two that controls the most of him making everyone believe that it’s the real him but actually the second person, Jongin, is still inside of him. It’s just that not everyone sees that part of him. Kai doesn’t let everyone show Jongin. The smaller part, Jongin, is only reserved to those who are able to break in through the barrier of Kai.

Joonmyeon-songsaenim has failed to break through Kai’s wall that’s why he has also failed to see the little Jongin inside of Kai. The songsaenim has truly believed that Jongin was gone, believing that his ‘little brother’ had fully embraced the new him.

“How about you, Aya?” The songsaenim’s voice was now breaking, almost as if he was trying to hide his sobs. She heard him take a deep breath. “H-How—“

Aya knew where the question was going, so she decided to cut him off by shaking her head. “Some things are better not said, songsaenim.” She muttered. “Even if I did tell you, you won’t be able to understand.” Like how you don’t understand Kai. “Pain makes us, songsaenim. That’s the only thing you need to know.”

From the corner of Aya’s eyes, she saw a quick movement of bright light then a loud roar of thunder was followed. Aya flinched a little, looking up to the skies outside. The rain now poured harder. Gone were the soft pitter-patter and was replaced with a cacophony of sounds from the raindrops. The professor had not moved from his place just a little bit. He was not bothered by it at all.

If anything was, he looked like he was thinking.  “Is he…” the professor trailed off. “Is he still there, Aya-ssi?”

If this was a different situation, Aya wouldn’t know what to answer. But, Aya knew exactly what the professor was talking about. She knew which ‘he’ Joonmyeon-songsaenim was asking her about. “Yes.” She answered. It was almost said in a whisper, almost breathless but it did not waver. Aya was confident with her answer. She knew he was still there.

She knew that Jongin is still there inside of Kai because Kai had broken that barrier for Aya to witness. And Jongin is what’s left of his humanity.

“The world seems to know what day today is just like it did the previous years.”

Aya’s face furrowed to confusion. She snapped her head up to the professor who remained immovable in his position. Previous years? “What happened?”

“The day Auntie Heeyoung’s funeral, it rained for hours. It’s been like that ever since. Every year, a sudden heavy downpour of rain would take place in Seoul when that particular day comes out.  It rained today and the previous years, it did as well. The rain would stretch out from morning until evening then the next day, it would be sunny again.” The professor explained, his voice coming in soft and airy.  “It’s as if the world’s mourning with Jongin’s loss too.”

Aya sighed. “The skies are crying too then.”

He nodded. Then, he shifted his body so that he was facing Aya. The professor looked the same as what he looked earlier: defeated. But Aya noticed something in his eyes. Something glinted in those that illuminated his whole face. A light was lit up. Hope. Her heart warmed at the sight of it. Joonmyeon-songsaenim had hope for Kai. Just like her. Hope for Jongin. 

Aya stood up. There was hope for him and she was going to use that hope. Because a soul like Jongin was worth saving. Kai alone was worth the shot. Kai was not like Aya Han who had lost everything. Kai had people who truly loved him. All was not lost. She was determined to dig his humanity back from him.

And she knew exactly where to start.

She bowed to the professor, turned her heel to leave and sprinted. But even before she could finally exit the classroom, Joonmyeon-songsaenim called out for her. “Do you know what you’re going to do, Aya?”

Aya stopped dead on her tracks. A small smile formed on her lips. No. “He’s worth the shot, professor.”

Then, she sprinted away.

It has been minutes since the young girl left his classroom but still, his eyes never left the doors of where she exited. His thoughts were running in his mind never ending. He felt numb and he could barely breathe right. Joonmyeon didn’t know what to do after what Aya Han just did to him.

His student just slapped him from himself.

All these years, Joonmyeon had been wrong to assume that Jongin will be alright. Oh how stupid he was to do these set-ups in an attempt to ‘save’ him. Who was he to manipulate Jongin? He sighed. All Joonmyeon was doing were desperate attempts to bring back the little brother he used to be fond of. All those things he did were lame excuses so that Joonmyeon may not be able to face the monster that was reigning the façade of Jongin. No.  Kai was not a monster.

Joonmyeon was the monster.

A pang of guilt hit Joonmyeon like a hurricane. He was the monster that fully created Kai. It was Joonmyeon who made the distance in between him and the new Jongin. Joonmyeon failed to get to know Kai better because of his petty belief that Kai was not Jongin. He should’ve known better. He and Jongin had not seen years before Auntie Heeyoung died. Who knows what happened to Jongin for years in Bangkok. Maybe…Jongin really did change even before Auntie Heeyoung’s death.

There was no way getting the old Jongin back.

What did I do?  Joonmyeon thought. Finally, the sobs that he’d been holding was now released from his willpower. He cried. He cried for what he did, he cried for Jongin and he cried for everything. He shed guilty tears. He shed those tears he’d been hiding for all those years. All those years of setting up had gone to nothingness.

Aya Han was his last stop of hope. The remaining string of something he held on to. In hopes of what he thought of fixing Jongin, he had set up Aya Han into believing that she had to do a report with Jongin. Joonmyeon knew about Aya Han’s past and the reason why she came to Seoul. Aya Han wanted an escape and she thought that she could find it in Seoul. Joonmyeon knew that she’d fit with Jongin like a puzzle. They had the same loss. And Joonmyeon was not wrong that they would. It would even seem that they found companionship with each other’s company.

No. All was not gone to nothingness. Aya Han was not going to let everything to nothingness for Jongin. That, Joonmyeon knew.

And Joonmyeon could only hope that one day he’d be able to understand Kai just like Aya Han did.