Define 4: We’re All A Little Messed Up

Aya was restless the next day. She didn’t have proper sleep because of the horrible dreams she had. She was exhausted, weak and she was lonely. Her mind was empty and she had troubles focusing at something for a minute. Her thoughts kept drifting to that horrible memory that kept haunting her until now.

She shouldn’t have survived.

She wanted to cry. She wanted to feel angry. She wanted to just…to hell with all of these! She didn’t know what to do. Aya was just so tired. So exhausted of feeling it all over again. She should have left the memory when she decided to flee away from New York. She just wanted to stop feeling all of those.

She just wanted to forget. But clearly, she couldn’t.

It was still all too fresh. The wounds still remained unhealed. The images still inked her mind like permanent ink. The voices were so clear and loud. Those mental screams made her so deaf. She could still smell the blood. She could still feel how cold her little brother’s hand was.

She was having a hard time picking herself up again.

And she half-blamed the damned doctor for making herself a mess all over again.

Aya was having difficulties with her classes that day. She was not able to do well with her major subjects. She completely fooled out in her Theater subject. She was chastised for not listening to her teachers. She just floated in every classroom she entered. She even forgot to pass her assignment for Vocals which disappointed the teacher, Professor Kim Taeyeon.

She had free class that whole afternoon so she went up to her abandoned classroom and took her seat at the same place, at the same table while settling her journal in front of her. She eyed it before shaking her head and instead fixing her gaze on the view outside the window.

It was a fairly good weather. The sun was shining and the wind was breezing coolly. As usual, colorful students filled the grounds and chattered among themselves. She was just there, doing nothing. She didn’t think of anything. She didn’t say anything. She isolated her mind from anything else.

Aya sighed, she folded her arms on the desk, covering the journal and settled her head on her arms, facing her head at the windows area. She watched at how the birds took shed on the branch of the tree. She watched at how the leaves of tree fell as the wind blew. She watched at how the branch gently shook.

Then, she closed her eyes.

No, she didn’t sleep.

She just closed her eyes, shutting the cruel world around her.

Aya opened her eyes at exactly five thirty-two in the afternoon. She didn’t sleep. Sleep counted as having a good rest and no she did have that kind of rest. She had a dreamless sleep. She felt nothing, she dreamed of nothing and she remembered nothing from it. All she saw was black.

But, everything eventually came back to her.

It has always been that way. She remembers the memory, she mourns, she feels nothing, she turns restless then she picks herself back again. It’s been a cycle for years now but still, she felt the same emotions. It doesn’t change, it just gets worse.  

She remembered that she had to go to the library today. And it’s been an hour since the period ended. She still had to finish that damned report. Aya quickly picked herself up, grabbed her knapsack and rushed out of the classroom to go down to the library.

To her rush, she had forgotten something. Something she should not ever have forgotten nor left somewhere so openly.

Her dark blue journal.

When she arrived at the specific part of the library, she was met with a very familiar awesome chocolate brown hair. Give me a break, she thought distastefully. She just dealt with her emotional breakdown. Dealing with Kai who was a hundred times more unpredictable and confusing than her was a whole lot of different story.

Well, she didn’t have much of a choice.

She walked near the table and took the seat in front of him. He didn’t look slight of fazed or surprised. In fact, he didn’t spare her a glance since he was too occupied with reading a book. Aya didn’t bother to look at the title.

She fished her notes from her knapsack and a pen. “What do you reckon should I write?” she asked in an almost whisper way. Not talking for a whole day gave you that. It’s always hard to talk again from a long period of silence.

Kai averted his eyes from his book and looked at her with those deep translucent calculating eyes. While that, his brows furrowed and his face slightly scrunched in something that contorted as confusion. Aya tilted her head to the side, “Yes?”

“Did you cry?” he asked bluntly, his voice dripping with curiosity.

Aya shrugged. “Were you here yesterday?”

“You hair looks like a big pile of mess.”

She wanted to strangle him again. That was not the answer that she wanted. Again, strangling him might lead him to his death and murder was pretty much illegal so, she kicked that plan out of the gutter. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“It’s pretty fair,” he smirked with that signature smirk of his. “You didn’t answer mine too. Consider it a truce.”

Aya rolled her eyes and leaned back on the chair. “Did you find anything fitting for our report?”

Kai shook his head. He closed the book he was reading and threw it across the table. Aya caught it before it fell down on the floor. She looked at the cover. The Renaissance by Thomas Smith. She was about to open it when Kai beat her to it. “Don’t bother. Not worth it, that one.”

She looked at him. He was giving her a bored look. He raised an eyebrow questionably. Aya sighed, putting the book down. “It’s Friday today. The report is due on Tuesday. Help me out if you want the report to be unique.”

“You don’t look well.”

“I’m sick,” Aya lied through her gritted teeth.  She was getting tired of this side of Kai. It was hard to put up with. Well, it was easy if she wasn’t in this kind of state. Right now, she’s just too vulnerable.

“I have a hard time believing that.”

 “Really, huh?” she remarked sarcastically.

“Yes.” He answered smugly.

She rubbed her temples, closing her eyes. “Look, it’s fine with me if you don’t want to help out. I can do this report on my own—“

“Meet me at the playground tomorrow. Eight o’clock. If you’re not there, I will personally hunt you down.”

Aya opened her eyes. She gave him a confused look. “What?”

Kai leaned close to her. “You still owe me.”

Gosh. He still remembered that? That was like…two nights ago! She wanted to complain but she didn’t exactly have the energy to do so. She sighed, “I’m a little messed up. What was that?”

“Aren’t we all, Aya Han?” his smirk widened to a devious grin.

Aya groaned in irritation. 

***

From the Author:

Yeah. It's really short. Please don't kill me TT.TT

It's a little 'filler-ish' too so yeah..ehrm..sorry? *slapped*