Define 6: Clarity

“We are so not riding that thing.”

“But we are and I bought the tickets so you don’t exactly have a choice.”

Aya Han was feeling dread all over again. She watched at how the damned mechanical thing twisted to turns and circles in the air. She could hear the people scream in happiness, shock, excitement, and fear. She couldn’t quite make up which was which. It was all mixed up. Her stomach churned with every drop she saw, her breath was caught in in every upward movements it did. She watched at how it turned upside down, the people who rode it had their hairs and arms down with the direction.

She hated rollercoasters.

Nausea was starting to build up in her stomach by just looking at it what more will she be if she actually rode it? That will probably end her life. Aya looked at Kai, who was looking at the rollercoaster with amusement. His eyes were glinting and his mouth was slightly gaped in awe.

Aya smiled, the dread leaving her temporarily. Just an hour ago, they were miles away but now, she could literally feel how close he was to her. His arm was bumping close to her right side. There weren’t even many people yet here he was standing so close to her.

Yes, they went to the amusement park by riding a bike. Kai was a pro at it, even doing stunts along the way. He looked so free, so aloof. So unlike the usual him that everyone saw him as. He actually laughed along the way. A laugh that reached his eyes that it was almost non-existent. His eyes turned to crescent moons when he laughed. It was so damn cute.  

She clutched the Polaroid camera in her hands tightly. Along the way, they bought a secondhand Polaroid camera that the saleslady so kindly sold it to them in a very cheap price because she thought that they were a very cute couple. Aya flustered slightly remembering it. She desperately wanted to say that they weren’t a couple but Kai had his arm around her and he had her pulled closer. There wasn’t exactly a room to deny such thing when you were in the verge of having your feels exploding into a sense of overdrive.

Not that they were a couple or…what. Ehrm

“So, where do you want to go first?”

Aya looked away quickly to hide her flushing face as he averted his gaze to her. She shrugged for an answer. Honestly, she had no idea why she even chose to tell him about the amusement park. It was probably a spark of the moment or something. For her many months here in Seoul, she had barely stepped inside the amusement park or did she enter in any ‘fun’ places.

Fun was her past life and now it was solitary.

“Hey, wanna go to the Ferris Wheel?”

“Isn’t that ride for couples only?”

“Is that a new way of asking if two people are dating?”

She immediately flustered at the thought. “N-No!”, she shook her head shooting him a shocked look, slightly gaped open. “I-I..I wasn’t! Y-You misunderstood it! While that, she felt the heat run up to the tips of her ears. The prick laughed hard at Aya’s embarrassing moment. Arsehole, she thought almost breaking the Polaroid with how much she clutched the poor innocent thing with irritation.

Keep calm, Aya. Don’t let Kai’s tosser side get to you, she mentally told herself. Evil-Aya swooned, with hearts forming on her eyes. The foul mental image looked like a love sick fool. ‘I beg to differ, darling. This side of him is pretty much ’

Oh gosh, Aya thought with a grimace.

Kai had eventually moved on from laughing too hard. Aya sighed in relief. He grinned at Aya while leaning down on her level. Aya tried not to turn her head around so she wouldn’t see his face so close to hers. She maintained his gaze straight, her own breath hitching when she felt him breathing down neck. His warm breath tickled her neck that it made the hairs on it stand up. She tried not to wince.

“Don’t tell me you’re afraid of a mere Ferris Wheel, Aya Han.” He whispered so huskily. It was damn y that the sick and twisted villain inside of Aya’s head squealed in delight before fainting.

Aya cleared from the lump that was forming in it. She tried to formulate coherent words to say but sadly, her trail of words was failing her. “I…I..um..” she mentally kicked herself. She took a side step away from his hot breath and husky voice. She heard him smirk at this.

“I win. Let’s go to the Ferris Wheel now.” Once again, he grabbed her wrist and dragged her with him, walking. Behind the manipulative git, Aya was huffing while sending death glares at the back of Kai’s head.

“You’re a jerk, you know that?”

“I’m a handsome jerk. That’s fine with me.”

Aya face-palmed.

And that was the reason why Aya Han found herself sharing a Ferris Wheel booth with Kai. The booth was for four persons but because the guy she was with was pretty much manipulative, he was successful in persuading (read: poisoning the mind) of the ahjumma in-charge, to close the booth for only the two of them.

Aya was sat on the opposite chair of Kai. Both benches were facing each other. The Ferris Wheel had only started a few seconds ago and they were starting to go up. Aya could feel her inside moving upwards with the Ferris Wheel. Her heart was leaping in .

She swallowed hard and eyed Kai who had his eyes glued on the upcoming view on the other side. He looked like he was enjoying this so much and Aya was almost envious. Aya had never enjoyed the Ferris Wheel much of she did not enjoy the Rollercoasters. She hated the feeling of her insides churning. It was not a sensation she wanted to feel.

Then finally they were on top. Aya closed her eyes whilst Kai kept shouting something she couldn’t quite hear. Everyone from the other booths were having the same reaction. It was all of awe, joy and excitement.

“This is awesome!” she could make up that part of his words. He sounded so happy, so excited, so…free. It was the same voice she heard him say when they were biking. And the sight was something Aya considered as precious and rare.

She risked opening her eyes. Aya did not regret doing it. The sight of him smiling so naturally was so good to be true. The sight took the churning feeling away from Aya. His eyes lit up, his stance was relaxed. He looked like a child that tasted the newest candy to be invented. Yes, this was the same someone she witnessed just a few hours ago.

This was a boy.

Aya suddenly remembered the Polaroid. She fished it out from the pocket of her sweat shirt and took a picture of him in that perfect scene. Kai hadn’t heard the click of the camera or the sound of the film developing. She was more of thankful of that because this thing in front of her was too great to be wiped away with a simple distraction.

She waited the film to come out then she pulled it out and shook it. Later the picture finally showed. Aya looked at it. Indeed, it was a memory worth keeping. A picture of thousand words, it was. Unconsciously, a smile formed on Aya’s lips.

“What are you smiling at?”

Aya immediately pocketed the photo inside her pocket and pretended to take a picture of the overlooking view of the late morning Seoul. She could feel his gaze penetrating the side of her head. Aya wished he didn’t notice her pocketing a picture of him.

She clicked the button and waited for the film to come out. When it did, she shook it and looked at it. Then, she handed it to Kai who took it from her with confusion. He looked at it as well. She watched at how his confused turned to a relaxed one then to a nostalgic one.

The side of his lips twitched upwards.

“They’re good.”

Aya tilted her head in confusion. “What are?”

“Pictures.”

He looked at her. Kai’s expression was soft. He looked twice younger than he was. A glint was on his deep glassy orbs. The side of his mouth was twitching to a small smile. “They make precious things last. They don’t change. They always stay as the good memory.”  Then, he was the one who took pictures this time.

His words made her think about the picture she’d taken of him. ‘They make precious things last’, the way he laughed so freely; ‘They don’t change’ the way he stayed as boy in the picture; ‘They always stay as the good memory’, indeed it would always be a good memory.

Aya nodded, the smile returning her lips. She watched him take pictures of the view while they descended. “Yes, yes they do.”

After the Ferris Wheel, they rode few more rides from Bumping Cars to the ever childish Merry-Go-Round. The two of them had broken free from every mature thing they were holding on to. They laughed, cried, shouted and fought. All the time, they were taking pictures. Aya Han wanted to cry at how happy Kai looked. It was so unlike the usual him she saw while he was on stage. She watched him shift from one arcade to another, she laughed at how he whined when he lose, she cheered in excitement when he won. Everything about him right that time was just so unbelievably beautiful.

They ate ice creams, duddeoboki, some black noodles, chicken, cotton candies and much more. They pointed at amusing things and laughed at it. They sang together with random songs they heard, took pictures with the mascot and even danced like crazy people with SNSD’s Gee.

They were having the time of their lives.

Aya Han had never felt so young again. Yes, that karaoke night was fun as well but this thing right here was different. Whereas, she was the only one having the fun that Wednesday, this time it was both of them. They were sharing the same childish euphoria.

Childish. Aya couldn’t remember the last time she ever felt like a kid. She couldn’t remember the last time she allowed herself to drown in happiness. It felt like a very long time. And for Kai, she could tell that it’s been a long time for him too.

 Kai.

He was not Kai here just like she was not Aya. Here, he was not the cold and emotionless y beast people made him as. He was not a manipulative little cockroach. He was not a black, lone soul feasting in the darkness he is in. He was just. Here, he was that part of a big thing he’d shut inside him for too long.

A boy.

And Aya was gratefully that she’d found it. She found that real thing inside even if it was only a part of him. Kai was not a monster void of any emotions. He was truly human. He was not a Greek deity that had powers out of this world. He was not what stereotypes name him as.

            He was and is a boy. He always had been one.

            Night was starting to fall in Seoul. It was starting to get chilly. Aya was not cold though since she wore her sweat shirt and Kai was not as well because he wore his leather jacket. The two was seated at the EXOTIC Café’ once again. Their bikes were parked outside. Kai was fiddling with a chain (Aya was not aware he wore one) around his neck. He was looking at it with a calm expression unlike the cocky one he usually wore. Aya was nursing a cup of black coffee while shuffling through the pictures they had taken. She was smiling once in a while, even giggling at the funny ones they had taken.

            On the radio, a DJ was saying something. Aya was barely listening but when she actually caught some words that the DJ was saying, she averted her gaze from the pictures to the radio that was seated at the counter.

‘So, if you’re actually listening to this Kim Heeyoung of Incheon, don’t be sad. Everything will be fine! You will eventually find the solution to your problem and life will go on! So that, onwards to the song!’

Then, B.A.P’s One Shot started playing.

Aya’s eyebrows furrowed in annoyance before returning her gaze to the pictures. She suddenly lost the interest to do so, so she gently laid it on the table and took a sip on the coffee. All the while, Kai was looking at her with calculating eyes.

She looked at him from the coffee, laying the cup down. “They always seem so unreal to me.”

Kai tilted his head, returning the chain inside of his shirt. “What is?”

“Pep talks and people.” She answered without any hesitation. Yes, she always had this issue with people saying some words that were supposed to cheer someone up. Aya didn’t like them. Well, she used to. But when they died, people started giving her those words. It was all redundant and it started to annoy Aya. Yes, she understood that they were trying to comfort her but still… She took a deep breath before she continued, “It’s not like they are or they’ve been in the same situation to say such things. They don’t even know if it’s going to be okay but they still say those things. It’s like giving a kid the wrong candy. It’s giving the person who is suffering false hope.”

The guy blinked twice whilst Aya was huffing. She sipped on her coffee again to calm her raging nerves. Just the sudden, Kai started chuckling. “Well, aren’t you a little angsty?”

“You like them, don’t you?” she shot at him almost accusingly. Aya then realized what she said, her eyes widened. She bowed her head in shame before saying a quick ‘sorry!’.

There was a quick silence before he started talking again. Aya was thankful he did thinking that she ruined everything with that careless statement she said.

“No,” he paused. “But it’s good to see them try.”

He suddenly stood up.

He’s leaving?! You screwed up royally, Aya Han. You and you idiocy. 

She bit her lip.

“Let’s go. The night’s still young, better we use it well, Aya Han.”

Aya looked up. He was already at the door, opening it slightly. He looked back at her with the same calm and gentle expression. He motioned his head to the outside where their bikes were waiting. She didn’t have second thoughts. She pocketed the pictures, stood up, left her coffee unfinished and followed him outside.

They were biking the night away at the streets of Seoul. Aya was behind Kai, following his trails. The moon was shining so brightly, the stars were twinkling and the breeze was blowing so lightly and it was gently brushing Kai’s platinum blond hair while he was peddling. She didn’t know where they were going but she hardly cared.

She hardly cared wherever she went as long as it was with Kai.

She found herself in the streets of Seoul. Bright lights were blinding Aya’s eyes, music was filling her ears, the smell of food was tingling her nose. Kai halted to a stop near a building. The building was still functioning and inside, there were few people popping in and out in it. Kai walked towards it Aya, following his steps.

Aya thought he was going inside through the entrance but, he suddenly turned around to the back of the building. It wasn’t that dark nor was it lit well. It was bright enough that Aya could avoid a near dog poo lying freely on the pathway.

Then, he suddenly opened the door. When Aya looked up, she saw the label ‘Emergency EXIT’. Inside the door was a hallway that was lit well. At the side was a janitor cleaning the floor. The janitor didn’t seem slight of surprised at seeing Kai however when his eyes landed on her, the janitor gave Kai a look before it cracked to a smile.

“I thought you’d never come back here, Kai-ah.” The janitor said with a small smile. Then he turned to Aya and bowed in greeting. “Annyeonghaseyo,” Aya returned the bow and the greeting before scooting closer to Kai.

Kai put his hands inside his back pockets. “Like usual, Luhan-hyung? You’re not even a janitor.” He said.

That was when Aya realized that the janitor was not wearing an old, unfashionable janitor’s uniform but a business suit with sleeves rolled up until his elbow. The way his hair was tamed and his leather shoes looked so polished gave him a high rank impression.

Yeah, he wasn’t a janitor at all.

Luhan, the businessman-pretending-janitor-or-something chuckled. “It’s fine. The janitor was pretty much fed up with the mess around here so I decided to let him have a day off.” He shrugged then turned to Aya again. “I’m Luhan by the way. And you are?”

“Aya.” Aya answered timidly.

Luhan smiled warmly. “Pleasure to meet you.”

Aya cleared . Yeah, she was always awkward with meeting new people. Especially good-looking ones. She nodded, “You too.”

“Elevator’s that way, Kai.” Luhan pointed at somewhere. Aya was too busy fidgeting her fingers to look at where he was pointing at. She felt Kai shrug in front of her.

“I’ll see you later, Luhan-hyung.”

“See ya! It was nice meeting you, Aya-ssi.”

Aya nodded again while following Kai. He was walking again and all the while, Aya was looking down. 

A few minutes later, Aya found herself in an elevator and Kai pressing a button. She looked at him in question, “Where are we going?”

Kai leaned back on the wall of the elevator. He gave Aya a look, “You’ll see.”

A few minutes, Kai was dragging Aya out of the elevator. Aya could barely make up where they were doing. They twisted a turn and went up a stairway. Then there was door, Kai opened it and Aya found herself this time looking at the breathtaking sight of the bright night of Seoul.

They were at the rooftop where everything just caught the beauty of what Aya had missed for months now. She could see cars rushing to and fro, bright lights twinkling, the buildings, the billboards, the colorful people, and the trees. She could feel the breeze blow a little harder than down on the ground. She could hear the life coming out from the busy city.

Everything was just so alive.

She leaned on the ledge, Kai a foot beside her. The sweet silence colored the atmosphere. The silence calmed her soul whilst it shook the deepest pit of interest in her as she looked at the overlooking view.

It was just so beautiful.

“I go here to remind myself.” Kai said quietly.

Aya looked at him. He was looking at the city with the same calmness she saw earlier. Everything about him screamed the opposite of manipulative bastard. He was just so out of the stereotypical character he usually is in. He looked simply content.

“Remind you of what?”

“Of being alive.” He answered, a small smile decorating his lips. “The lights, the sound, the ambiance. It helps me remember that I have a life to live.”

“He did a quick pause to take a deep breath. “ It doesn’t usually work but it assures me.”

Aya smiled. She knew that feeling. She always felt like that when she was in the abandoned classroom and looking outside the view of the window. It always made her feel so alive. So free and limitless. Like nothing was holding back. It was silence that drove her like that and for Kai, the joyous noise the streets of Seoul emitted gave him that.

“It does, doesn’t it?”

Kai paused. “Aya Han…”

Aya answered him without tearing her eyes away from the city, “Yeah?”   

 “How did you become scared of large crowds and fast cars?”

Aya froze. That was the question she didn’t ever want to answer. How can she answer that? It was supposed to be kept to herself. How stupid she was to ever show any sign of emotional instability to Kai. She looked down and bit her lips. No, she couldn’t say it to him. He didn’t have to. She didn’t want him to pity her.

‘It’s only fair, love. He did let out a little of his real side to you, right?’

She closed her eyes. No, she couldn’t. Aya shook her head twice. Trying to keep her voice from shaking, she spoke, “Maybe in the next lifetime Kai. I’ll be able to tell you.”

Thankfully, Kai dropped the subject.

“I thought about what you said about pep talks and people.” He said. “It’s not exactly a pep talk what he did but he did things to cheer me up.

“We used to be really close. I look at him as my brother. When everything got a little messed up, he tried to fix things up. He did numerous things to do so. The first time he did, I was angry and told him to shove off but that did not stop him. He tried to melt the cold that surrounded atmosphere. He did things numerous times, all of which that did not succeed. All those persuading and fixing years in vain. In the end, my anger for him got bigger and bigger.

“But the last thing he did,” he took a deep breath. “He said something and just a bit later I understood. I didn’t  avoided it like the last time. I started all over again. And you know what Aya Han?”

Aya looked at Kai. He was looking at her again. His eyes were soft, gentle. They didn’t have the usual raging storm on it. His jaws were not clenched hard like it was usually. His face almost seemed…happy.

“What?” Aya asked breathlessly.

“I didn’t regret it.”

The deep and black orbs were seeing each other again but no one was searching. For the second time, they simply were looking and again, it could’ve been minutes or hours. Whichever was, it felt like it lasted for a very long time.

The wind blew so softly that it tickled Aya’s neck. However, her senses did not drone on that thought but her trail of what’s left of her consciousness focused melting into the narrating eyes of Kai. The noises suddenly became so out of reach; the lights started to blur. It was like they were in a trance.

A sweet, sweet trance.

Aya stood there, trying to convey the stories beyond his translucent eyes. It only gave so little. His words confused Aya so bad, her mind barely holding on to any of her deducing skills. It was just so agonizingly interesting to know, his story, but she could not pick up anything from his vague words.

formed as if to say something but she couldn’t get herself to ask something. There were so many things to ask, to demand, to search about this mystery in front of her but the curious part of her mind was so ing uncooperative.

Are you really just a boy Kai?

Doubts started to cloud her mind. Was she right about him being just a boy? Or was he something more? Aya was quite sure with the latter. This someone she is witnessing is something more than a boy. In fact, being a boy was just a small part of him. Why? Because it’s just that. Aya watched at the way he was always holding back, the way that there’s still a barrier left standing to protect those dark orbs.

The stranger smiled, actually smiled before it was gone like dust as if weren’t there. He then reached to ruffle his hair. Kai twisted his body so that he faced the city again and there, he raked his eyes through the buzzing city beyond them. Aya was still trying to process the fact that she actually saw him a smile.

He always did these kind of disgusting cocky gross alienated stuffs like smirking and grinning like a total wanker but that thing that just happened, it just so real. It was quick, almost like a spur of the moment but it did. She really saw it and she was sure of it because right at that time he smiled, her heart started beating so fast and so loud.

Dug dug dug dug…

It was so amazing how a quick moment could change something and be gone at the next.

Her heart was not starting to beat in normalcy. She blinked twice, looked down. It was only now that she realized that she was clutching her chest probably in an attempt to calm her previously fast beating heart. She shook her head and put her hand down the twisted her body so she could see the city again.

She could hear his steady breaths, her own soft ones colliding with the air. It was silence again. It was not awkward nor was it jittery one. It was just silence. Aya had only realized now how comforting the silence was. Being around with Kai like this made everything like that. Silence became a pleasure she could share with Kai. It seems that he understood the same thing she always felt with the state of quietness.         

That’s why Aya had always preferred to be alone. No one understood silence as she did. The stillness of everything, the senses being so heightened, the steady beating of her heart, being able to hear her own breaths…everything was just so calm. The silence made the raging storm of emotions and regret turn to a mere drizzle of rain, the alter-ego inner self inside of her quiet down, the uncontrolled consciousness in her be caged. The solitary made her half-sane.  

“What does everything feel like in America, Aya Han?”

Aya was driven out of stupor. She did not bother to look at him or twist her body. She merely looked straight ahead. What does everything feel like in America? Flashes of images suddenly clouded her mind. Vague images of her friends, the nights she rebelled from her parents, those times she looked at the sunset, those memories she goofed and fooled around, those cars they drove, those skateboards they destroyed, those shops they made a mess of, the feeling of being almost caught by the police. All those fun things spent with her friends. All her teenage life mostly spent with her peers. Always outdoors, she was.

Only if she could turn back time knowing that her family would be gone just like that. If she could, she’d spend her time playing boring scrabbles with her little brother, join his father for a daily dosage of Sports Channel, and have a Typing Master competition with her mother. If only she could…she’d probably never join her friends. She’d probably throw away her phone. The smile that formed on her lips was wiped away only to be replaced with quivering ones.

She should have spent every second, every minute with her family. She should have made everything precious. She should have…

A whimper escaped her lips as their dead bodies flashed in her mind. She closed her eyes and tried to push them away. Only that, the voices started to ring in her ears again. No…

She heard shuffling besides her but she couldn’t quite focus on that. Then she felt herself being pulled to warmth of a body. The same strong and familiar arms were wrapped around her. It cradled her once again. She knew that warmth. She knew it perfectly…

Kai.      

She buried her head deep inside his chest. Slowly, the images had gone out. Then they were replaced with the assurance Kai was giving her. She was filled with the same comfort, the same feeling of being so safe.

Safe haven.

“We’ll always be messed up, wont we, Aya Han?”

She allowed the timbre of his voice fill her ears, erasing those voices that still haunt her until now. Aya had herself nodding unconsciously. Yes, they’ll always be messed up. Everyone is anyway and the two of them, they were even messier than the rest of the people around the whole world.

Darkness was part of the both of them. It haunted them, colored their aura, and took home inside of them. It was living inside of Kai’s eyes and inside of Aya’s memories. It something both of them can’t escape to. It’ll always be a permanent mark of them. They may hide it for a moment or break a part of it but it always find the both of them in many ways. Different, yes but it’s still the same case.

Clarity. Clearness, lucidity, fluidity, transparency.

It will never reside in Aya again. That, she was sure of. She was too broken and too blinded with darkness. She’s now a puppet of her own demons. She had become something so vulnerable. She was not sure if it was the same for Kai. She hoped it was not.

He was a very precious thing to be permanently scarred for life.  

“You’ll find it, Kai.”

“What will?”

Aya Han took a deep breath of his intoxicating scent. Woodsy. It calmed her more than she could ever imagine. Just by his scent, it threw her back to where she used to live. To where she used to love. Home.

“Clarity.”

His steady breathing lulled her sleep.

Everything was still.

She was safe.

In his arms, she was where she always wanted to be.

Home.

They were two broken souls, floating around this world like ghosts. And they have found each other to mend the scars that tattooed their real selves. They have each other to unlock that light that they had made a prisoner inside of them.

Unbeknownst to the two, they have already found it.

Clarity.

The warmth those two were feeling was it.

They just needed to open their eyes to see it.

***

author's note: 

um, i totally understand that it has been over a year since the last time i updated this story and i well, this has been sitting on my laptop for over a year too. thing is that, i seriously wanted to update this a long time ago but the past year had been hectic and all. anyway, i'm sorry if the references are a little old. also, i never did finish this story. it's also the reason why i never updated. i wanted to finish all of it before posting again but it turns out, i got stuck and i'm still stuck until now. so, sorry if it's never gonna be done. 

anyway, thanks for reading! :) comments are appreciated ^^ <3