It was a reoccurring theme we had going. We were still casually mixing together. It had been a month since we first started. I had beaten myself up so hard for what I was doing. But, I couldn't figure out why. Eventually, I let it go. Just because this wasn't right for someone else didn't mean it was for me. Casual is a normal thing. Its.... easy. There are no strings, there's no feelings, there's nothing. It’s simply . Yes, one might say that it's so much more and it can be. There's quite the difference between making love and . Making love is something you do with solely one person you've given everything too. There's a much different feeling to love then simple . Although, I occasionally felt dirty, and new if my friends knew they'd call me names... I knew it wasn’t wrong and that I wasn't what they had said.

What I have with Hicham is different, we have a.... friendship and we have something that connects us. And after much thought I realized that I wasn't in fact starting to feel for him. What I felt was for what We we're doing. It was for what I could hold over him and the power I had, it was for that small boost of confidence it gave me to be near him. I had been in solitude for so long and a sad state of self-loathing that this, whatever it was made me feel important in a way. Because he needed me for something and I needed him. It was a fair trade of sorts. I still wasn't where I had wanted to be with myself but, I had come to terms with a majority of my issues. Just because he said and did the things he did no matter how small. They made a huge impact which took me a while to realize.

I was happier now. I wasn't alone, maybe not completely surrounded but I definitely wasn’t alone and that gave me comfort.