Over the course of a few months, we had become acquaintances. We talked like old friends at work but never spoke out of work. We did our jobs like always and then went our own ways. Occasionally we'd go to our bar and drink together and make small talk pretending we had interesting lives, when we all knew we really didn't. Sometimes, getting out was nice but after a few minutes in I would regret leaving the comfort of my own room and leave. Trying to commit to being around people was hard, although the alcohol helped it was never enough. And I would go home and do what I always did. The piano. The piano was the closest thing to me, I had only began learning a few months prior and I was no Bach but, I was happy with where I was at. Even if I wasn't good. The feel of the keys beneath my fingers gliding from note to note seemed too pleased me in a way I had never felt. It's hard to describe. I think mostly because it was an escape. If I was sad for any reason. I could gently touch a key and no matter which key it sounded pleased. Like it had never been touched. It always chimed with joy. I could play pieces I knew even if they were a bit jumbled and they seemed to make sense to me, even if they had no lyrics. Like we were old friends communicating. That's what the piano was for me, my oldest friend. Which is why I think I loved my job, a beautiful baby grand sits in the dining hall, although damaged it still seems happy when its keys are played.

I would sit before work and play my heart out even if people were around I never seemed to need their acknowledgement to play. It wasn't for them. It was for us. But, every now and then one of my coworkers would tell me how it was. Mostly it was Him Chan, and his comments either good or bad always seemed to change my mood. If I was good at it I felt good about myself and if I was bad then... obvious. But, I had never needed anyone’s approval for something. Although I still didn't I started to seek it, like I needed the criticism. Him Chan was a nice guy. When he wanted something but mostly he was an . Always demanding things of me as if I wasn't already doing them or trying. Eventually I began trying so hard that I messed up far too often. But, I still kept trying. Things kept changing at work from what I had learned and I picked up on them and did my best and yet my best wasn't good enough. Eventually he became my boss and I couldn't get away with blowing off his remarks. "Cas, go do this. Cas, that's not right. Cas, this goes here. blah blah blah." It was overwhelming for so much to change in such a short period of time. I had become so accustomed to the way things were and doing it the way I was taught that it made learning new things and doing them differently severely agitating.

Him Chan although his voice attracted me, his self in general made me despise him. No matter what I did I was never good enough. Everything that I had been avoiding was happening all at once and it was too much. But, I pressed on and did everything he said. I was too afraid I'd lose the job I loved because I snapped at my new boss. Things only got worse, over time the criticism became harsher, he seemed to be the king of the castle and I was a mere slave who never did anything right. How was I supposed to handle it? Out of work he became a completely different person. We eventually casually hung out to discuss work things or to be friendly with the coworkers. I didn't understand it. Why was he only and at work and only to me? Although when we were all together out of work he didn't acknowledge me much he still wasn't what he usually was. And it confused me beyond comprehension. I had begun to get closer with my other coworkers, not friends but at least someone to be around on occasions when solitude didn't seem to be helping whatever situation I was in. So, it was nice to be out sometimes. Over a period of time my body started doing things I didn't want it to. I strictly thought of Him Chan as my boss but, things had become weird. I found myself although still loathing his assholishness...but I looked for it for some reason. I felt like I needed more of his input on nonsensical things. On occasions, he would high five me and say I did good, which made my body bubble and then he would do some douche and I would be mad again. But, eventually my body bubbled so much around him that his douchery didn't seem so bad. And part of me was okay with that. But, I also was leaving my comfort so much that I started to confuse myself. I didn't understand what was happening but, whatever it was I had wanted more.