Wild Grass

===

Tears stream down your face

when you lose something you cannot replace

===

He’s discharged from the hospital three days after he woke up. A week before Kris’ wedding.

When he observes the whole world around him, he finds it foreign. Somehow the sky is still blue yet it doesn’t feel the same. The wind is noticeably colder because it’s already the first month of winter yet it feels a whole lot colder to him. The streets are still the same, the places are still the same yet somehow his memories are messed up that they are making them look foreign to him. As if he was never happy in this place, in this city.

His mother goes back to Qingdao the next day. She asked help from Baekhyun and Chanyeol to accompany her only son until the day he leaves too. Baekhyun is more than just glad to do so, while Chanyeol looks like he has something to say to him all the time. Tao feels itchy because of it. He wants to ask what’s wrong, but at the same time he thinks that he has enough already. He can’t bear to hear any story. He’s not sure he can survive another one.

Two nights straight, he finds himself sitting alone at his couch when it’s 10 PM. As if he’s waiting for something to happen, or for someone to come. He didn’t even plan it; his body just moves on its own. Not knowing what to do, he lays down on the couch, resting his head on the armrest. His eyes focuses on the cream colored fabric next to him, and then he spots a weird brownish stain on it. He rubs his index finger on it and smells. No scent.

“Why are you sleeping here?” Baekhyun comes, towering over him. “Hmm? What is that? Coffee stain? You drink coffee?”

Tao blinks blankly at Baekhyun before he sighs. Right, coffee stain.

“Yuck,” Baekhyun observes the stain as well, “this will be hard to clean.”

Just like how it will be hard to let him go, huh?

The next morning, he wakes up on his bed with a hollowed out feeling. It’s like time has stopped for him ever since he had lost his interest in it. What’s the use of time when you don’t need the measurement because you don’t have to wait for someone anymore? Because he doesn’t know what to do, he decides to stay longer on the bed, as he lifts his left hand and spreads out the fingers. His eyes land on the silver band wrapped around his ring finger.

‘To remind you of me.’

‘To remind you that you will always have all of my heart.’

He suddenly laughs. Humans are so imperfect, thus the things they make are imperfect as well. Kris had given the ring to him so it can remind him of their memories. He didn’t say which memories; sad ones or happy ones. Because all the memories are crashing down onto his head now.

He laughs, and laughs, while his hand wipes away the stubborn tears falling from his eyes.

==

He wastes his time on the usual bench at the side of Han river. The city looks colder than before. It scares him a little. The city looks so cold, but the people who pass him by look so warm and happy. Is he the only one who really notices the cold? Or is he the problem instead?

From the corner of his eyes, he notices someone tall walking towards him. Navy blue winter coat. His heart stops for a while.

No way.

“Zitao? Is that you?”

Tao dares to look up, finding Changmin standing at the other corner of the bench, face almost hidden under his creamy white scarf. Of course, Tao wants to laugh and cry at the same time. He’s been getting crazy lately.

“May I sit with you?” Changmin asks.

Tao nods. “It’s a free world anyway.”

“Oh? You finally can speak?” Changmin blurts out. “I mean, I’ve heard you were temporarily mute.”

“I wish it’s permanent, though.” Tao mumbles.

Changmin doesn’t say anything. They drown in silence for a quite long while. Tao doesn’t know what to say and he wants to run from Changmin because the latter reminds him so much from someone he’s supposed to forget. “The thing about Yura was actually a plain accident.” Changmin suddenly says.

Tao wants to scream. I don’t want to hear anything else!!

“It was inevitable for Chanyeol to see it as Kris’ fault, but the truth is, it was an accident. One that caused an impact in the family, yet also one that happens in this city almost everyday. Chanyeol understands it, but of course, everyone needs someone to blame when the pain is too much to bear.” Changmin sighs, creating white puffs from his mouth. “Before you, Yura was the one who made Kris see that he can have a life where he decides what he wants for himself. Maybe he didn’t love her as much as he loves you but – “

God please.

“ – he still thinks of her as a very important person in his life. Every year, on the memorial of her death, he will bring a stalk of any kind of flower, as long as it’s white, just like Yura’s favorite color, and visit her grave. He was unlucky this year, though, when he got caught by the brother.”

“What happened… to her?”

Changmin sighs again. “She just got involved with the wrong person, that’s all.” He says. “Kris liked her a lot. She felt the same way. Both hit it off pretty good, and of course Mr. Wu saw it as a threat because no, his son has to be on his command all the time. He doesn’t want some random people to influence him. But the thing is, the father wasn’t the problem. It was the half-brother.”

Tao looks at him. “Sehun.”

“Err, yeah, Sehun, Sean, whatever.” Changmin shrugs. “Sean has always been a jealous little pickle all his life. He will take every chance he can get in order to make Kris looks bad at least in front of other people, if not in front of his father and grandfather. He saw Yura as the chance, and he tweaked their problem to be a little bit dramatic.”

“How??”

“Well, Sean kind of said something to Yura, something like ‘Kris is having his punishment because of you’ and Yura went to see him. Kris, however, had decided not to meet her again in order to make his father stop bothering her. So he refused to see her when she came, and she ran away with a broken heart. Sean still wanted to play her around, so he kind of followed her when she left the house. Things were out of control, and Yura was in the wrong place and the wrong time when two vans collided near her. She was one of the victim from the crash.” Changmin finishes his story with another sigh. “We can easily say that she wouldn’t be there if only Sean didn’t chased her, or if Kris had met her, a lot of excuses, actually. But in the end, life happens. It was an accident.”

Tao wanders his eyes over the horizon. The sun is slowly setting. “But Kris took the blame all these years.”

“Kris are always blamed for something he never caused or never meant to cause. And he took it all willingly.”

‘If Sehun has one person to hate the most, it would always be me. And it’s because we have no control of everything that he hates me even more.’

“He blames himself for every adversity that happened in his life. For his mother’s death, for Sehun’s endless wrath for him, for Yura’s death, for the hardships Joohyun has to endure along the engagement, for your father’s death, even for your sufferings now,” Changmin takes a breath, “he blames himself for all of them. And people blame him as well.”

Tao looks down over his laps. His heart clenches.

“So I beg you,” Changmin speaks again, this time in a softer way, “not to be one of those people too. Please don’t blame him for something he doesn’t have any control of.”

Suddenly, by the words, his memories start to work.

‘You know what, you can eat here with me at least once a week. You can eat burgers as much as your stomach can afford. I won’t judge because I like burgers too, I love it even, and I’m okay with greasy foods. And you can be easy because – ‘

Tao gasps.

‘ – I won’t hate you over things you can’t control of.’

Right, he had promised to Kris.

“Changmin,” he speaks up, “where will the wedding be held at?”

==

‘I know you’re blaming yourself again for

something you didn’t even do. So please

don’t do it, and keep your head up.

After this, maybe we won’t be able to

ever meet again. So I’m writing this for

you to read whenever you miss me.

Just remember that I will always love

you, no matter what the world says