Minseok loves his bandmates. Really. They're his work partners, his friends, his brothers. Really, he loves them. There can be no doubt on that. He loves how they are a big family, supporting each others, always being here. No matter what the problem is. Like that time Baekhyun broke down because of that one vocal training session where his teacher got so harsh on him, where he dropped his bag in his room and started sobbing and hid his face in Minseok's shoulder as Yixing petted him, whispering gentle words in his ear. Or that one day where Kyungsoo was low key scared of getting outside to buy some things he needed because of one girl that had been stalking him at the moments, but then both Yifan and Chanyeol went with him, one arm on the younger man shoulder and the other on his waist. Or even when Junmyeon looked so tired, having to take care of everything and everyone, and the three youngest let him sleep on the couch he had passed out on and cooked. It hadn't been the best meal, to be honest, but Junmyeon kept smiling through the whole evening, and even cuddled with Sehun, Jongin and Tao, later.

No, really, Minseok loves them. He loves them and he knows they love him. It's not that he feels uncomfortable around them, rather the opposite. He feels safe and good. He feels like he doesn't have to hide what he thinks, who and what he is, and he knows they all feel the same. But sometimes, it doesn't feel real. It feels like Minseok is imagining things, feels like everything is a lie and that they're all secretly mocking him, pitying him. He knows it's not true. He knows his distorted, ill mind is lying to him, pressing on his weaknesses and insecurities, and that's when Minseok thinks, maybe I am the problem.

Maybe I'm the problem, Minseok thinks, as he slows down his walk, ending up trailing behind everyone. He hears Chanyeol laughing loudly at something Junmyeon says, hears Yifan adding something to his story, and Sehun whining in Luhan's ear to buy him something, pointing at the gift shops on their left. Jongdae has an arm on Kyungsoo as Jongin shows them recent pictures of his dogs, and they laugh at him, but they're both smiling genuinely, and Jongin knows it. Baekhyun and Zitao are bickering, as always, Minseok thinks. Yixing is silent, a satisfied smile on his face between the two younger men, as they ask for his approval, ask for him to side with either one of them. Minseok wants to smile at this, but he feels like he doesn't has the right to, which is completely stupid.

They're finally having some well deserved rest, a week end off, and they decided to spend one day at an amusement park, and it's so nice, the weather is just good enough, not too hot, not too cool, and yet the park was quite deserted. Not one person came to ask them for a picture or something. They felt free, they felt good, they felt normal, for once. Just a bunch of friends hanging out. It's nice, Minseok thinks. It's nice, what a shame that he feels left out. Feels out of place. Feels like he shouldn't be able to be here. Feels like he could just disappear forever and no one would care. He knows it's stupid. He knows those thought have no reasons to be, and sometimes it's like his brain is just mocking him for being so stupid, letting them infest him, letting them burn and leaving a dull ache in his whole body. It's stupid to feel like that, he thinks as he looks down, pressing his fingers together in an attempt to get this dull, horrible feeling out. In an attempt to feel.

He hears Chanyeol whining about wanting to go to the roller coaster and Zitao screeching, who would rather be as far as possible to this ride. He hears the boys playfully fighting over which ride to go to next, he hears some siding with Tao – at least Luhan does – and some making fun of them, but he also hears the grins in their voices. He's still looking down, but he still notices when the voices die down, a soft hyung ? In Jongin's voice, and Minseok looks up, a soft smile on his lips as tells them he doesn't care which one they want to go to, and soon the pseudo argument start again, before Yifan sighs, and the Minseok snorts as he hears the chinese leader rolls his eyes.

“Let's just split up, come on.”

+

Minseok finds himself following Zitao, Luhan, and surprisingly Jongdae toward other, less violent rides. He's still walking behind, only nodding and humming in answer when he has to. He knows he's not being subtle about his situation. His feelings. Whatever is happening inside his head. He feels like an attention seeking kid, and he hates it, he hates being like that, ever more when they're all supposed to have a good day. He rubs his eyes with enough pressure that he sees stars, and jumps when he feels warm fingers massaging his nape. He relaxes quickly, though, because he knows those fingers. He knows this reassurance touch, this soothing hand, affectionate warmth. Jongdae is a touchy feely person, and he knows Minseok isn't always comfortable with touches, but the younger holds a special place in Minseok's heart. They all have one, a special place in my heart, Minseok thinks.

Jongdae, he thinks, has spent enough time with him to know, to feel when Minseok was bothered with something. It's not a surprise to him anymore, it's not something he worries about as much as before. Jongdae is the one who accepted his condition the best. He never questioned it, never asked for Minseok to make some effort, to get better quickly, to put himself together. Jongdae is soft, warm and encouraging. Jongdae is slow and a hand in Minseok's, rubbing the other on his back when he cries, waiting for his friend to be ready to talk to him.

Jongdae is used to it, and Minseok feels like a bother, feels stupid, feels useless and that he doesn't deserves to be happy, that he doesn't deserves Jongdae or all his bandmates. And somehow, Jongdae seems to know, and somewhere in Minseok's mind, he wonders if Jongdae doesn't know too much, wonders if he's ever been like Minseok. But back in the amusement park, both stay quiet, Jongdae turning his head toward Tao and Luhan, listening to the two ranting about where they want to go, and Minseok observes him, mind running a thousand mile per minutes. Am I a bother ? Should I just leave ? Fake a bathroom need and let them have fun ? Should I just go away ? Why am I like this ? Everyone would have so much more fun without me. Why do I keep ruining the mood ? Why do I keep seeking attention like that ? I'm probably faking it, anyway. I'm probably faking every ing things that I feel. Jongdae knows. Jongdae knows and he acts like he cares but he probably just wants me gone, right ? I hope Jongdae is alright. He doesn't deserve being like me. I hope he's fine. I hope he doesn't turn out like me. I just want to disappear.

Just let me disappear, he silently screams. A cry for help, because he does need help, Minseok thinks.

It's stupid how a single thought turns into something much bigger, how it turns into a self hate so deep, so powerful, into the belief that he doesn't deserves to be happy. Nearly making Minseok laugh, haha. But he's not laughing, he's not laughing and his eyes are red and his hands are kind of shaking and suddenly he has trouble breathing, and both Zitao and Luhan have no idea, too engrossed by the map of the park and their own bickering. But Jongdae, Jongdae has a calming hand in his hair, and Minseok hears him tell the other that they're going to stop to the bathroom, and soon he's leading Minseok away, hides him in the shadow between two building.

And when he breaks down, Jongdae is here to catch him. As always.

+

Minseok's breath calmed down, and thanks god he feels too tired and sluggish to think, as he leans again Jongdae's chest, head laying on his shoulder and eyes hidden against his neck. His friend is breathing soothing words in his ear, a warm hand on his nape and the other lingering on his lower back, a thumb rubbing comfortable circles on Minseok's skin. He doesn't ask what's going on, why Minseok is crying, and he's grateful. Jongdae knows what it's like, or at least that's what Minseok thinks. He knows and it breaks his heart, because Jongdae doesn't deserve it, Jongdae is warm and a sunlight in his life and his best friend and he loves him so so much, the idea of him hurting just kills Minseok.

The eldest brings his arms around Jongdae's waist, hugging him tight as he moves his chin on his shoulder. They're just breathing, for a moment, quietly, together, Minseok feeling the buzz of anxiety slightly fading away.

“Jongdae, are you okay ?”

Minseok has his eyes closed, but he knows his friend enough to imagine the surprised look draw on his face because of the question. It takes a few seconds for Jongdae to answer.

“Yeah, why are you asking ? You're the one who doesn't look fine.”

Minseok unwrap his arms from Jongdae, sliding his hands down his arms until he's leaning on the wall, fingers tangled with his friend's. He opens his mouth, and it feels like what's leaving his mouth aren't words, but feelings, as if his heart was spilling out of his lips.

“I… I've been like that for a long time. I mean, not good. Not eating, breaking down for no reasons, feeling like , feeling dull. Hell, wanting to disappear. Being depressed. For no reasons. And yet you've never asked me things like how to act or what to say or if doing things were okay but, you're always doing the right thing. We...” His voice is raw and full of so many emotions, getting louder and louder. Minseok looks up, eyes shiny as he locks them with Jongdae's, and he finds that there is a huge amount of emotion, those he kept inside, and that they're threatening to spill out. Minseok's voice hitch, turning into only a whisper. “We don't talk about it, together. We don't talk about it yet it feels like you always know what to do or say even if I'm never telling you anything. And don't misinterpret, i'm not telling you things because I don't want to burden you, but I just… I'm worried, because I think that if you know how to act, it's because you've been like that, and it hurts, because you don't deserve that, you're sweet and kind and loud and happy and I just. I want you to be okay.”

Jongdae turns his eyes away for a second and sniffle, holding his friend's hand tighter. He has a small smile on, and maybe it's because he's happy Minseok thinks of him and is worried about him when he should take care of himself, maybe it's because he likes that Minseok figured things out about him, but right now he feels both happy and extremely tired, and much like his friend's, his voice is a quiet whisper, raw yet silent.

“I'm… I've had my moments, but i'm fine now, okay ? You shouldn't worry about me, Hyung. And it's okay if we don't talk about it. You know I'm here if you want to, and you're not a burden, to me, to anyone in the group, okay ? You know that. We're here for you.”

The words he spoke weren't really deep or personal. They were words he'd usually say when trying to reassure Minseok, but this time the felt even more real.

Minseok slowly nods, gaze still on Jongdae, and he sees in his eyes that he's reminded of some unpleasant memories, and he feels guilty about it, so he breathes out a small sorry, but Jongdae just smiles, and it doesn't quite reaches his eyes but it's a start.

“Come on, let's go back, Luhan ge and Tao will wonder where we are.”

Minseok nods again and pushes himself off of the wall, keeps a hand in Jongdae's as they start walking.

Minseok loves his bandmates. Really. They're his work partners, his friends, his brothers. Really, he loves them. There can be no doubt on that. He loves how they are a big family, supporting each others, always being here. No matter what the problem is. Jongdae, he thinks, made him realize how thankful he is of his friends. The eleven other members of their band are all so different, all have many ways to show their affection toward Minseok. He doesn't feel worthy of it, and it will probably take him a long time to feel like he is, but in the meantime he can't reject it. They all have a special place in his heart, and they're what's keeping him going every day.

If Jongdae is the one who reads him the best, warms hands always hovering, Yifan is the warm, solid presence always here to catch him. Luhan is mischief and being a kid again, and Tao is learning mandarin at 3 am when they can't sleep, playful banter whispered to not bother anyone. Yixing is funny songs and stupid lyrics played over hot chocolate and coffee on cold days, and Junmyeon a shoulder he could sleep on, fingers petting his hair. Chanyeol is back hugs and feeling small and warm, stupid comments as they watch movies, and Baekhyun puppy eyes and giving in, because Minseok can't say no to him. Kyungsoo is a quiet friend, understanding and comfortable, and Jongin an inspiration as much as a little brother. Sehun is loud laugh, barely unrestrained, and smiles whenever they were together, and Minseok just loves them all. He feels so happy thinking about them, so content and loved, and it's hard because why do they love him ?

But if there is one thing he learned over his years with them, it was to not question it. So he tries not to, and just hope that it will get better. Because he wants to get better. He wants to be worthy of their love.

And Minseok is. He just fails to realize it.

But one day, he will.

Ok ok ok this is the last chapter of this serie. It meant a lot to me as, through the year i've been writing and posting those, i was - and still is - recovering from depression, and honestly this helped a lot. This last chapter is kind of word vomit but it's raw and it's real and i don't know i like it a lot. Jongdae is a kind soul. Protect him.

Thanks a lot to people who have been following me fro the start, and those who joined after that, I hope you liked it, and maybe related to some of those chapters, and that it didn't hurt too much.

I won't do a chapter with all of them as i've been hinting at in the past (first because i don't see the need to)(and alos because is started school again and i'm already sleep deprived).

Leave a comment, even a small one if you liked reading it, it means a lot !!!

If you want to talk to me, go on my tumblr !!

Love y'all <3