AFTER

I just woke up through my alarm clock. It’s seven in the morning. I just lie still at my bed and stare at the ceiling. I still can’t believe that I am back here again. All those memories keep flowing all at once. It felt like nostalgia.

I remember everything clearly. I remember it all like I was programmed to remember every detail of the past; like it has been living in my brain; like it has been tattooed in my body. I can never forget it. I can never erase it. And I hate it a lot. I loathe it.

But no matter how much I hate everything, there’s still part of me that misses it. My body is longing for all those memories. I just want to be happy again but every time that I was reminded of it, it’s like those happiness vanish like thin bubbles in the air.

Suddenly, someone knocked on my door. I didn’t get out of my bed to open it and just stay still. I just want to be on my own for a while.

“Sooyoung, it’s me, Siwon” Siwon said after knocking three times on my door. He stood by at the doorway. I could see his shadow below the door, “The breakfast is ready. Ahbuhji wants to see you. Come down whenever you’re ready”

He then went away as I hear his footsteps vanishing. I sighed. This is so frustrating. I can never escape this breakfast. Uncle Jungnam will get mad. It’s not like I am avoiding anyone or don’t want to eat breakfast, I just want to stay at my room as much as possible. I guess there’s no way it’ll happen. I have to go down now or Uncle Jungnam will come at my room himself.

I fix myself and change my clothes. I came down the stairs and saw them already sitting down at the table and eating their breakfast. Siwon sat beside Uncle and beside Siwon is him. I just sat in front of Siwon. I have to keep calm.

“Oh, Sooyoung, good morning” Uncle greeted lively

“Morning” I said managing to pull off a smile

“So, did you have a good sleep?”

“Ne” I answered not looking up

“Ah! I prepared your favorite food. You love eating pancakes, right? I especially bought the one you really like. Have some”

Should I say it? Should I tell them?

“Choesonghamnida, Ahjussi. I can’t eat sweets anymore. I am allergic to sugar.” I said sadly with every word fading out.

“Oh, really? That’s bad. You used to really like sweets.” He commented and I could see for a second that he looked sad but then he wipe it off and smiled, “Then, just have whatever you want. And also don’t forget to tell me what you want to eat so I can prepare it for you”

“Kamsahamnida”

I then took half of an egg and eat it slowly. I felt bad for him but I can’t help it. What am I going to do if I do really have allergy on sweets?

“Siwon, how is your department doing?” Uncle Jungnam asked Siwon.

Thanked god! I thought I’ll have to sit here and answer all his questions. I’m not really into the mood of answering all the questions they’re going to throw at me.

“It’s been doing well. The team has been looking forward to this new project we are working on. Hopefully, we could launch it early next year"

"That’s great"

And then we all continue eating. We just eat silently. No one bothered opening their mouth to say something which is good because I don’t really like talking to them.

Just as Uncle Jungnam finished eating and stood up leaving the rest of us in the dining, I stood up and went to my room. I have been itching to leave and go back to my room. Unfortunately, Siwon had me stopped before I completely disappear.

"Sooyoung, I'll be going to work. Is there something you want me to do for you?"

"Like what?" I asked turning around

"Like buying you foods or anything. Maybe an ice cream. We could watch Lord of the Rings while eating ice cream later when I come back."

"Seriously, Siwon? Didn’t you hear what I just said? I’m allergic to sugar. And that means I can’t eat ice cream" I said annoyed and turn my heel then leave.

I’m such a . I know. You don’t have to tell me that. But I have my reasons.

I locked myself up in my room doing lots of things. Over the past years that I lived on my own, I pretty much learned a lot of things like how to make tapes, create my own blog featuring the things you should do in your house like DIY (Do It Yourself) stuffs and then there is my painting hobby where I paint whatever comes into my mind. I listened to radio or most of the time, I play music while I do all of it. I tried living a normal life, as normal as it could possibly be.

It all seemed hard for me at first, continue living. I do not know how to live again. It was as if the whole point of waking up in the morning doesn’t make any sense to me and getting myself out of the house has been really new to me that I do not understand its significance. It is not being wary of it but being new to it. To me, they’re just all pointless.

I could breathe, but I am not breathing. I am alive but I am not living. That’s how it was all for me.

Suddenly, while I was mixing up tapes, I found something that I have never heard before. It was a file I transferred from my IPod. There are was no title so I just played it.

"It's taking us downtown. You're watching me watching me, watching me go"

It shocked me as all the hair in my skin stood up. I could suddenly feel a cold wind blew across my face. That song. I will never forget that song. How could ever I? It's the first song I ever heard him play. In the file is him playing his guitar and singing softly those words like he was singing it to me.

I stopped playing it. I can't do this. I took out my IPod and storm out of my room and into the living room. I was calm as I went down the stairs to the living room. He wasn’t there. I then checked the kitchen but no signs of him. I decided to go back upstairs and turn right into the second floor and opened the last room (Siwon’s old room). There he was on his bed, reading a book while his earphones are in his ears. And I forgot to knock. Glad that I didn’t see anything out of ordinary.

He was shocked when he saw me. I managed to stay calm even though looking straight at him makes me want to break down and cry. He took off his earphones and places his book down.

"Sooyoung, what's wrong?" he asked partly shocked that I am here and confused as to why I am here.

My heart wanted to shout at him and cuss words at him but my mind don’t want to.

"This" I threw my IPod at his bed, "What is that doing in there?"

My IPod contains a lot of songs, probably a thousand of it in there, so listening to songs you want to will take a long time, and besides, I haven't used my IPod for a long time because I kept my songs at my laptop or at my phone which I always have with me.

He took the IPod and plug the earphones then putting it in his ears. He pressed play and listened. I couldn't really tell what he was thinking since he kept a blank face in the entire time.

He then took it off after what seemed like a full- length song. I was completely annoyed. I couldn’t tell what he has on his mind.

"It was Sunshine and City Lights"

"Yes, I know. What I want to know is that-what is that doing in my IPod?"

"I'm not really sure. I am actually surprised that you have it on your IPod."

"Really? Huh?"

"I don’t even know why and how you have it. I even have no clue you do. In fact, I don't have any copy of it nor the songs I used to play."

"Then who put it in there? Only you could have done it"

"Sooyoung, judging by my voice in there, it sounded really old like few years ago." he sounded sincere, "I never touched your things. How could I possibly? You only let Taeyeon touched your stuff. Perhaps she used it for school activity."

I hate it. I hate how right he was on that. Nobody ever touched my belongings except for Taeyeon. Then, it suddenly occurred to me, maybe I did. Maybe it was I who recorded his voice and saved it on my IPod afterall.

I took my IPod from his hands but before I could turn around, he spoke.

"But maybe you want to listen to it"

"Not ever"

I then leave his room, shutting his door behind me. I went back to my room stomping my feet real hard. My heart was racing. I couldn’t actually believe I did it. I hate myself a lot. Why did I ever like that guy? And what was he thinking? I would never listen to his voice, never!

I threw my IPod at my desk and lie at my bed facing the ceiling. I am so pathetic. Why am I making a fuss about such a nonsense thing? So what if he had a recording in my IPod? It doesn't mean I love it. Doesn’t mean I listen to it. What exactly am I angry about? URGH!