SUNGMIN POV •

“Hyung, I need to ask you something” ­ KyuHyun says, his expression turning serious all of a sudden. We’re currently sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice cream in peace after an awesome day filled with activities that he planned for the both of us; we had lots of fun which makes the furrow now present in his brows more out of place.

“Mmm, sure, what is it?” ­ I ask, at my cone when he remains silent for a long moment, not knowing what else to do.

“I know you won’t like what I’m about to say”­ he begins, already making me anxious not knowing what I should expect ­ “But I need to say it and you need to listen carefully” he continues vaguely and I feel like yelling at him to say it already, but I can tell he’s not teasing me, it’s obvious he’s having a hard time finding the right words, or maybe is the courage to say them what he’s having trouble with ­“I... I want you... no, I need you...” ­he pauses for a moment to gather his wit and my ice cream is already dripping onto my hand for having been ignored for so long, his first words put a silly smile on my face which died a quick death when I saw his expression, that wasn’t it, this wasn’t a confession, he had more to say and I was dreading what it could be ­”I need you to break up with your boyfriend, Sungmin, I really do, I can’t do this anymore” ­ he finishes in a sad tone, head dropping low in a gesture I don’t know how to interpret, guilt? Shame? All I know is that the cone in my hand drops with it and dirties my right shoe, but that is something I can’t care for at the moment because my lover just asked me to leave my boyfriend to be with him and I don’t know what to make of it.

“Why?”  is the first thing that comes to mind and immediately leaves my mouth, but as soon as he lifts his head up to look at me, I realize it was a stupid question because I already know, he already said it. He can’t do this anymore; the lying, the hiding, being the other guy, my dirty little secret, it pains him and I can't be mad that he wants to end it. Thing is though, he didn’t ask to end things with me, he asked me to end things with my boyfriend, my Lee HyukJae whom I’ve dated for over 2 years. I know that’s the right thing to do, if I don’t love him like I used to and want to be with KyuHyun instead then I should let him go, but can I really?

“Because it’s wrong hyung, what we’re doing is wrong, you shouldn’t do this to him and it hurts me as well”­ he says as tears of frustration begin pooling at the corners of his eyes. I know it hurts Kyu, I’ve been there and it’s not pretty. That’s a story that not even Donghae knows of, but I've been the lover once. Back when I was trying to lose weight and enrolled in a martial arts academy, I had a huge crush on my judo instructor, his name was Kim Young woon and he was 26 at the time, relatively young but already married.  

Unlike with me and KyuHyun, there was no hope of me ever becoming Youngwoon's first. He'd never leave his wife for me and I knew that, but I still hung onto him because he was my first, because he saw me, past the extra weight and acne, he saw me and actually liked me. He gave me the attention I had never received from anyone before and made me feel loved, even if it was all in my head, even if he clearly didn't love me like I did him, I could only fulfill the lover's position, a recurring capade that went out of hand because I got my feelings involved, I put my heart on the line even though I knew I shouldn't have, because then his wife got pregnant and it was all over, like it never happened, like I never meant anything to him because I didn't. I couldn't take the heartache and I broke, much like KyuHyun is breaking right now, under the pressure that comes with being  the second option, the easily disposable one. 

But then I met HyukJae and he fixed me, he looked at me with love in his eyes, only me, his priority; and I fell in love with that thought, even more than I did for the man himself, because it was new for me and I relished in the affection he showered me with even though he had his own issues with relationships. We fixed each other, we were each other's one and only... 

Until I met KyuHyun and ruined it. Because even if I don't love him anymore,  even if I never did, we've been together for over 2 years, depending emotionally solely on the other. I'm his rock. I've seen him at his worst and I don't want him to go through that again, he's been let down too many times in his life for me to leave him because I found someone else, that'd break him again and he's someone I care about deeply, I wouldn't do that to him.

"I can't"­ I say. I'm sorry KyuHyun, but I can't.