DONGHAE POV

“No, I am NOT calming down!”

I sigh for the umpteenth time at her outburst, trying my damn hardest to stay calm and not talk back or else this argument will escalate to a level it cannot possibly come down from, seeing as the discussion is already this heated when I’ve barely spoken.

I fail to understand what made me confess to her knowing this would happen, I guess I’m just an honest person by nature, keeping my own secrets was always too hard, it eats at my conscience, as if I was telling a terrible lie, which isn’t that far from the truth since what I did this time was quite a big deal and I couldn’t possibly look her in the eyes without feeling guilty. Though I’ll admit there were better ways to break it to her than how I did. Stupid mouth of mine running at the worst moment possible. But I guess I shouldn’t have put any kind of faith in the same mouth that got me in this situation in the first place. Lips attached to the face of a straight male shouldn’t do nor say the things mine have done and said today.

Flashback

« “Jess!”  I let out a surprised shout at the sight of her standing at the door, I had completely forgotten about her and now she’s here, my ing girlfriend is standing at the door, right in front of the guy I just kissed. I know HyukJae won’t tell her anything, in fact, he doesn’t even turn to tell me anything and just leaves the two of us alone, making the right assumption about her and my relationship, not willing to stay as the third wheel but more importantly, needing time for himself to think about everything going on in his life right now, and by everything I mean his boyfriend cheating on him then his boyfriend’s roommate stealing a kiss which, if I may add, he returned. You read that? He kissed me back, ME, he pressed back on my lips and we both moved, a little, just a little but still, it happened, it ing happened! And that was NOT a right time for Jessica to come and remind me that I’m out of the market, because now HE’s back on the market and I feel like going on a shopping spree. But that’s probably not the best idea since he’s probably on a bad place right now, emotionally speaking. I should give him time and also take my own to settle things with Jessica who’s already sitting on the couch beside me, having invited herself in a while ago and it’s just looking at me funny because I’ve been staring into nothingness as I ponder what would be the best way to tell her that we should break up because I just cheated on her with a guy.

“Jess… this is gonna sound, umh, weird, but I don’t want you to freak out, please hear me out first” I begin, unknowingly building up tension in the room when what I really intend with this silly introduction is time to build up my courage as I look for the right words to say this without it sounding so… wrong.

“What is it Hae?” She asks with a deep frown on her brow, shifting closer to me and resting a hand on my knee, urging me to continue.

 “I believe it’s better if we stop seeing each other”

…

…

“Excuse me?”

“Here’s the thing, I met someone-”

“Oh my god! Lee Donghae! You’re cheating on me!”  She yelled, voice breaking on the last sentence which wasn't exactly voiced as a question, face flushed from anger and the tears were soon to come, I can’t handle her crying face, I hate it. It may have come to this, but she still meant a lot to me, I really DID like her and I hate seeing her this sad, I’m afraid the moment the first tear spills out I’ll take it all back, tell her to forget I ever said anything and go back to how things were but I don’t want to do that, I don’t want to go back to how things were, I want to move forward, out of this oppressive relationship she trapped me in because it’s not working and I already have a better place where I’d rather be: snuggled in Hyuk’s arms.

“Not yet” well, that came out wrong, stupid mouth, fix this! “That’s the thing Jessica, I do not want to have any kind of affair behind your back, I know you’ll hate me if I did, so I want to end things with you before pursuing someone else” I finish, glad that she kept quiet for long enough for me to pseudo-explain my situation, but the rage in her eyes, which I’m glad is not sadness, proves she didn’t like what I just suggested.

“What the ?! Who is she?! I can’t believe you’re doing this to me!” She screams so loud I think the neighbors heard, standing up to tower over me, trying to gain some sort of upper hand as she sees her control over me slipping away, she stomps her feet on the ground childishly to make her point, as if I didn’t already know how mad she is; I do, I just don’t care, I’ve made my decision and won’t let her manipulate me into turning back, not this time, not when I’ve already come this far.

“You should be happy I’m cutting things clean with you and being honest about this, I know it sounds wrong that I’m leaving you to be with someone else and it IS, but wouldn’t it be even worse if I had done it behind your back?” I try to reason, content with my ability to remain calm despite how much I want to scream at her, louder even as I see her rage even harder, pulling at her hair out of frustration. She’s not getting it, I made a very valid point, she should understand, I get we have different mindsets but my logic should apply to anyone: Who’d rather have a cheating boyfriend than a loyal and honest ex-boyfriend? She wants the perfect outcome in which I stay by her side AND remain faithful, but that one’s out of question, I won’t let her cage me down, guilt-trip me into staying with her, away from the one I truly want when I’ve already had a taste of what could be.

“WHO IS SHE!? What does she have that I don’t!?” she yells at my face in an absurd attempt to intimidate me into submission which I would have usually fallen for, but not this time, I’m sick of it all and I snap at her with all the coldness I never thought myself capable of.

“Well, for starters, a ” I retort coolly, standing up in front of her, letting our high difference do the intimidation as I watch her take the smallest of steps back in shock because never before have I ever tried to gain any kind of upper hand, or exert control over her, but two can play this game “I don’t see yours anywhere, so that’s negative points on your side” I finish dryly, a never seen before smirk adorning my features. I don’t smirk, I smile, I’m a nice guy; the usual Donghae wouldn’t be talking like this, being so tactless and acting all macho, but I’m pissed off at the moment, she won’t understand reason so this kind of approach will have to do.

…

…

…

“Excuse me?” she utters quietly after the long silence, calmer now out of pure speechlessness, so I relax my stance as well, sagging my shoulders a bit and speaking slowly in a soft voice, willing to try and explain again if she’ll listen.

“Recently I… I think I might be biual” I let out shyly while rubbing the back of my neck, macho-hae far gone to be replaced by a nervous mess, it’s an embarrassing thing to say out loud and probably infuriating to hear on her side, but it needed to be said and she needs to hear it. Accept it.

“Bi-bi… biual? What?”  she asks stuttering out of shock, she still can't grasp the reality around her as she sits back down to process the revelation, I sit too and stare at her, waiting for a reaction other than commotion but it looks like it won’t come so I decide to clarify further.

“You see, I like you, and I’ve been with other girls before you so I definitely like girls, but lately" and when I say lately what I mean to say is: for almost a year now, but she needn’t know that much "there’s this guy I have a, umh… let’s say it’s a crush, I have a crush on him and I can’t shake it off even though I’ve tried, believe me I’ve tried so hard to forget about it and focus on us, and be happy with you but this feelings just won’t subside, please understand” I finish hopefully, scanning her face for a reaction, bracing myself  for the impending waterfall but the tears never come, instead we’re back to square one: anger.

“Are you freaking kidding me?!” was the chilling scream, loud and angry. I put my hands on her shoulders to prevent her from standing up again.

“Jessi, please calm down” I plead softly. »

JESSICA POV

“No, I am NOT calming down!”

“We need to discuss this calmly so we can understand each other” He tries, but I’m not budging, my frown deepening as I become even angrier if that’s even possible.

“What is there to understand? You’re a ing homoual!” I yell, pushing his hands away from my shoulders in disgust. All those times he touched me so passionately, and he likes men? How could he?

“NOT homo, bi, as in both es” he counters, sounding offended “but even if a WAS gay, there is nothing wrong with that, you know Sungmin’s gay and that never bothered you”

“Because Sunmin isn’t my boyfriend!” I scream, frustrated with life, mind plagued with images of all those times we kissed, thinking how many have graced those same lips “How can you be gay? What does that say about me? That I was so bad you switched teams? What’s everyone gonna say when they find out my boyfriend likes it up the ?” I can already see the looks of pity, mock and disgust people will give me, hear the nasty rumors going around: “You see that girl? That’s her, her guy cheated on her with a GUY, can you believe that?”, “I heard her first boyfriend cheated too”, “She must be so awful no one wants her”, “I heard that guy met a hunk in a gay ”, “no, I heard it was a biual , you know all with all”, “they said he went there ‘cause she wasn’t putting out”, “Well I heard she was so bad in bed he didn’t want to come near a ever again”…

“Jessica, listen to yourself, is that really all you care about, what they’ll say?”  He retorts, getting fed up with my attitude but I don’t care “and just so you know and get whatever nasty thought that is in your head right now, I’ve never had gay ; I’m dating YOU, remember? I won’t go out to get screwed when I’m with you, that’s why I want to end it with you, I don’t want to end up doing something I’ll regret”

“So you’d actually do it, I mean: cheat on me?” I refuse to believe it, he wouldn’t, Donghae isn’t that kind of guy, he’d rather split up than do any of that behind my back, he’s said it himself, so if I refuse to break up then he won’t do anything, he can’t leave me and he most definitely can’t cheat on he.

“I wouldn’t”

“Then don’t, let’s forget about all this and start over again, you said you liked girls too, we can work this out, and maybe even, take that next step” I offer hopefully, voice down as a means to reason, instead of yelling.

“Jess, this is not about the , I am not that shallow, telling me you’ll sleep with me won’t change my mind about this, we need to break up”

“NO!” I refuse stubbornly “We are not breaking up Donghae, I’m not leaving you!”

“Jessica, you do realize I don’t need your approval to break up, don’t you?”  he asks slowly, as if speaking to a child who can’t understand words beyond mommy and daddy “I’m trying to end this the best way I can because I like you and didn’t want to hurt you too much, but there is really no need for me to try and make you understand so we can part ways peacefully, I wanted a mutual break up but if you refuse” he takes a deep breath as I hold mine, he thinks his next words carefully “I’m in my every right to just dump you, plain and simple, no explanations, no fight, no apology. I tried the nice way but you don’t listen Jess, I’m already at my limit” my eyes widen and begin to fill with tears, his next words hitting my heart before my ears can catch them “Jessica, we’re through, now please get out of  here”

No. No he didn’t. He would never! The Donghae I know and love could never! “Donghae please think this through, we can-”

“No! I already thought this through and No, we cannot work it out, so leave my house this instant, this fight is over, we are over” he says with finality, opening the door and signaling for me to exit, I glance at him one last time, pleading with my eyes, hoping he’ll see the tears and the pain, hoping he’ll take it all back and hug me, kiss me, love me like he used to. But he doesn’t and I leave, not without turning back to look at him one last time, but he’s already closing the door in my face.