Date: May 31st 2011
Location: KBS
Time: 3:00PM

This was the first time I had my hair and makeup done professionally. Instead of marveling at how great I looked, my mind was preoccupied with the jitters I felt in my stomach. I couldn’t sleep the night before or eat that morning, because I was so nervous about going on stage. I breathed in and out slowly, trying desperately to calm my nerves.

“Everyone, it’s time to standby.”

Okay, I thought, show time. I feigned a confident smile, as I followed everyone out of the dressing room. We headed down a long hallway, and piled into a tiny elevator, which took us down to the stage area. My mouth opened in awe when I saw the stage; it looked so much bigger than how it appears on television. Since it was Big Bang’s comeback stage, the set was also especially extravagant and beautifully designed. However, I had no time to marvel at everything, because we were immediately shuffled into a corner and were given instructions by one of the producers. I had a hard time paying attention though, because the backstage area was so busy with a dozen staff members and technicians running about.

“Get into your positions,” the producer said and we were jostled towards the stage.

As I was about to move, my foot got caught in a bundle of wires. Thankfully, before I fell flat-faced onto the floor, someone grabbed both of my arms and caught me just in time. I looked up to a very handsome Jiyong. His hair was a new platinum blonde and his eyes were lined heavily with eyeliner. It would’ve looked excessive on any other man, but it looked so hot on him. I must have gasped out loud, because his brows immediately furrowed with concern.

“Are you okay? Did you sprain your ankle or hurt yourself?”

“N-no,” I said, “I’m not hurt.” God Zoe, you’re so ing embarrassing.

He didn’t look like he believed me. He was still holding onto my arms when he looked me over. Suddenly, he looked at me, “Why are you shivering? Are you still sick?”

“I’m just nervous,” I admitted sheepishly.

He chuckled slightly and put both hands on my shoulder. “You’ll be fine. Just relax and have fun, okay?”

I looked into his gorgeous eyes and found only acknowledgement. I felt slightly better and nodded. He smiled and put his arms around me playfully, leading me towards the stage after everyone else.

As we stepped on, the roar from the fans was deafening. Everyone was screaming at the sight of Big Bang, after having not seen them together for so long. We got into our positions, as the members interacted slightly with the audience before the music started. As the camera rolled, the music dropped and in that instant, we were at one with the beat. It really was different; the set design, spotlight, and stage effects had a hypnotic effect on me. My body moved on its own like a machine, and I performed in a way that I never knew I could, like smile seductively at the camera and even flirt with Jiyong. When we did our partner dance, I stared straight into his eyes, which was something I never did confidently and naturally before.

And he – he was just unbelievably amazing. He was completely charismatic and mesmerizing on stage. It was almost as if he was a different person. Even when it wasn’t his turn to sing or rap and even when the camera wasn’t fixed on him, he was still performing and acting. His overwhelming stage presence made me more competitive and determined to not be outshined.

When we finished our first take, the audience went crazy. We had to immediately do a few more, but the fact that the performance was so well-received motivated us to work even harder. We were exhausted by the time we finished, but everyone was still extremely pumped up as we left the stage. We cheered and hugged each other, and I laughed with exhilaration. I saw Jiyong out of the corner of my eye, and immediately approached him and gave him a huge hug.

“I’ve never seen you like this before,” he said when I pulled away. “You were amazing. I guess you’re born to be a performer.”

“R-really? Thanks,” I blushed, elated to receive his praise. “But honestly, I was nothing compared to you.”

He smiled, and I managed to catch a hint of shyness before he leaned towards me playfully. “You know, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were flirting with me back there with all your winking and suggestive movements.”

I laughed and threw him another wink. “I probably was,” I joked.

“Well it worked,” he said and winked back.

I was surprised. Was he joking? I could only giggle in response and silently thanked the heavens when Jen came by at that very moment to pull me away. I’d be completely embarrassed if he knew what that wink physically did to me. Needless to say, I was a mess – but in the best possible way.

--

The new few weeks was a blur of performance after performance. I barely had free time, but loved every minute of it. Being on stage was like a drug to me – I craved it and felt a withdrawal when I’m not on it. I felt so happy to be surrounded by such talented people and couldn’t believe that I was a part of the team. With each passing moment, the sense of belonging grew stronger. I wanted nothing more than to be chosen and be part of that family for real.

I finally had a night off, so I went to the dance studio to play around with some choreography. I found myself thinking about the sober melody of If You when I was scrolling through my iTunes. Ever since the song was released, I couldn’t get it out of my head. I knew I had to create a dance for it - a choreography that will compliment the music and lyrics of the song.

I had the basics of the choreography down when I suddenly saw something move at the corner of my eyes. I yelped in surprise as I turned around to see a man by the door. It was late at night, so the hallway lights were dim. My heart was thumping and I felt adrenaline rush through my body. I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized it was Jiyong.

“Oh my God! You scared me,” I gasped, putting my hand on my chest.

He chuckled and smiled sheepishly, “Sorry. I came to see if you wanted to grab food with us, but…”

“How long have you been standing there?”

“Awhile.”

“D-did you see the whole thing?” I asked, as my insides twisted with embarrassment. No one was supposed to know about this; it was a private project I was working on. “You weren’t supposed to. I was just doing this for fun.”

He crossed the room and stared at me seriously.

“What?” I asked, crossing my arms self-consciously.

“It was beautiful - what you did there. We could’ve used it for our song.”

“I…” I was at lost for words.

“Do you think it could be arranged as a duet?”

I nodded thoughtfully. A duet? That wouldn’t be hard. The two dancers could basically do the same moves with small variations. It would actually make the whole thing more complex and powerful.

“Let’s try it now.” He rolled up his sleeves and turned the music back on.

And with that, we began working on the choreography together. I’ve never seen him in his creator mode, and I was completely enchanted by his concentration and professionalism. He was amazing to work with - he allowed me to take the lead, fed off my suggestions and added some of his own, and was quick to remember the moves. Within an hour, we had the duet completed and were ready to try it out for the first time.

Our dance brought the lyrics of “If You” to life, where we play the lovers who are separated but are left with many regrets. While my movements retained the fluidity and softness of the original choreography, Jiyong’s were snappier with more power to convey his masculinity. Since there was someone else’s movements and emotions to work off of, the dance became more dramatic and the desperation and sadness more palpable. I didn’t know whether it’s because it’s my own choreography or the song really resonated with me, but I’ve never felt so synchronized with him before. Even though it was our first try, we moved together like we had already done this a million times. There was an inexplicable intimacy and exchange of emotions, and I felt so vulnerable but comfortable at the same time.

When the music stopped, I waited a few seconds before I turned to look at him. We were just inches apart, and I could see that he felt just as overwhelmed as I did.

“There’s something about you when you dance…,” he murmured.

I blushed and tried to moved away, but he held onto my waist tightly. I stared into his eyes and he leaned in slowly, aiming for my lips. I stiffened up but didn’t move away. When our lips met, I closed my eyes and melted into his touch. It felt so right and so good - I just couldn’t help it. I felt electrified and clenched at the bottom of my shirt for some sort of relief. He moved away and smiled at my blushing face.

“I like you,” he whispered, trying to be as gentle as to not disrupt this moment.

“Me too,” I replied, feeling relieved that he finally knew.

He smiled and softly held my neck, bringing me close to him for another kiss.

That night, I went to his place for the first time, and we spent hours cuddling kissing and talking. He told me many things about himself, and I did the same. For once, I stopped looking up to him but at him, as an equal. We discussed our relationship, and decided that we were both not ready to progress any further. We would stay friends, become closer and see what happened.

Looking back, I realized that we were both taking a leap of faith – we didn’t know what we were doing, but we went for it, because it felt good. It was that kind of blissful mindset that egged us on and allowed us to pretend, even for a few hours, that there was just us and no one else. It was a beautiful, fleeting dream that we both knew we had to wake up from.