What Lies Beyond the Unknown

‘A girl with a clinical depression was given a chance to see her future.’

Taeyeon was supposed to be on her work, reporting a project that might get her promoted but instead of going to work, she found herself inside a clinic. Why? Let’s find out.

She walked towards the clinic receptionist nervously “Hello,” she awkwardly greeted the receptionist girl who was currently talking to someone over the telephone.

“Hold on for a second please,” the receptionist girl lowered down the phone for a while and greeted Taeyeon “Good morning, my name is Jessica. How can I assist you?”

“I want to die,”

Jessica smiled and handed out some papers “Great! fill up this form.”  

“Oh,” Taeyeon was dumbfounded and just looked at the papers and asked a question “Are you going to help me to die?” Taeyeon suddenly felts scared

Jessica giggled a little “Well, this isn’t Switzerland so we cannot assist your suicide.”

“A-Aren’t you surprised?”

“There are hundreds… no, maybe thousands of people who walk in our clinic for the same reason as yours. Just fill up this form, the Doctor Kwon Yuri is going to assess you later.” Jessica smiled at her reassuringly and resumed talking to the person on the phone

“T-Thanks.”

‘What am I doing here?’  Taeyeon thought to herself

---

Taeyeon was sitting in front of a doctor in a private room.

“So, Taeyeon… Am I right?”

“Yes.”

“Why do you want to die?”

Taeyeon thought she has so many reasons why she wanted to die, but at that point, her mind went blank and suddenly, she cannot put her answer into words.

“I…I-I don’t know.” She hung her head low

“Family problems?”

“No.”

“Relationship problems?”

“No.”

“Work stress?”

“Could be, but no.”

“Loneliness?”

“I…I don’t think so.”

“Any past traumatic experience?”

“None.”

“Do you have friends?”

“I do.”

“You seem to be normal to me… other people who come here to be admitted have bigger problems than you have. You have friends and family as a supporting system. Why do you feel depressed?”

“I don’t know, I thought you could answer that for me.”

“I think you just need a little counseling. Maybe once or twice a month. Have you done it before?”

“I’ve seen a psychiatrist before. He prescribed me Prozac.”

“How long did you take it?”

“Three weeks, but I stopped. It’s like my brain said ‘Why would you spend tons s of money on a therapist when you could spend it on booze and some sleeping pills? I basically did everything to make myself, okay, but this stupid feeling won’t go away. It’s like the stupid flu stuck within me but in this case, I don’t have any idea how to heal myself.”

“Why did you stop?”

“Because I don’t think I need it anymore.”

“The drug must be effective then… I suggest you continue your counseling and the medication prescribed by your previous psychiatrist. There’s no need for you to be admitted.”

“O-Oh! But I want to… I mean, I know there is something wrong with me. Just last night, I almost jumped off a building.”

“Why did you do that?”

“I wanted to disappear, evaporate, dissolve…cease to exist.”

“Is that the first time you attempted to kill yourself?”

“I tried to hang myself once, but the rope ain’t sturdy enough to hold my weight. I guess I was a little bit fat that time.”

“How often do you think of killing yourself?”

“Every day, I look at my wrist, thinking what’s the right vein to slit to stop my heart from beating. But I can’t seem to do it.”

“Why?”

“I wanted to die to escape the pain of life, but it seems like even in death, I would also experience pain. My mum would feel terrible, my dad would be sad. And people that I barely know would post up some five lengthy paragraphs memorial status on my facebook wall stating how much they pity me. I don’t want to be the star of their pity party.”

“How often do you feel sad and miserable?”

“Every time I breathe.”

“Do you have any past time these days?”

“I write suicide letters every day. But these days, I stopped, I lost my will to do things. Everything I do is a chore. Even breathing and eating became a chore for me. I can’t sleep well. I feel scared for no reason. I feel sadness for no reason. As if emptiness became so heavy for me. It doesn’t make sense. My mum managed to read one of my entries and she was like ‘Honey, are you gay?’ that was her main concern. That’s not what I am thinking about at all. I guess, what I feel doesn’t matter. I just wanted to disconnect from everything. Every day, I always wonder what’s wrong with me? Why am I suffering? What am I doing to myself? Why am I feeling this way when I got everything I need? Maybe I’m just purely selfish. I only think about myself.”

“Do you experience panic attacks?”

“My body feels numb sometimes and I will just start to sob for unknown reasons. My breath always runs out and I get so flustered that I feel like I’m going to explode anytime soon.”

The doctor wrote on a paper then gave Taeyeon a tray box.

“Put your watch here watch, cellphone, necklace, any sharp objects you have…. And oh, take off your shoelace.”

“My shoelace?”

“We don’t want to take any chances.”

“Why?”

“You’re going to be admitted.”

---

Three days locked up in a mental ward, Taeyeon thought she’s going to die… She really wanted to die. Why?

Taeyeon was sitting on a long table in the mental ward’s cafeteria with other patients.

“This isn’t food, this a poop that looks like mashed potatoes with lame gravy on top.” She said as she stared at her meal and the old man in front of her who did not even talk at all. The old man was looking sad, but all of a sudden he giggled and Taeyeon’s brows raised

“What’s wrong with him?” Taeyeon asked the youn