eeek i was away from my wifi for so long so i couldn't write ;-; apologiesssss because most of this was typed up in a notepad app on my phone and because it is me of course it is unedited and posted in such a hurry becaue why cant i get control of my life WHYYYYYYY 

/awkward cough/ yeah so anyways i hope you're all doing well, i hope you're all smiling ad drinking lots of water and eating plenty and sleeping well and looking after yourselves becAUSE IF YOU'RE NOT AUTHORNIM WILL FIND YOU AND AGGRESSIVELY CARE FOR YOU OK LOOK AFTER YOURSELVES. 

much love as ever xxxxx (does anyone even read my rambly authors notes you probs dont or if you do you think im weird ok im sorry plz dot leave me if you wanna get away from this awkwrd note just go read the millionaire matchmaker again AAAAYYYY SELF PROMOTION AT ITS BEST) ((ok im going to shut up now and let you read im sorry)) 

Jongin unfolds his long limbs from the back of the taxi as he steps out on a cold early morning in January. The sky is crystal clear and blue, but there is a freezing nip to the air that makes Jongin snuggle his chin closer to his chest under his scarf. He squints his eyes as the sun reflects off the roofs of passing cars and the freshly fallen snow, checking to see he has arrived at the right building. His ears are turning red at the tips from the biting wind, and Jongin silently mourns for his warm bed back home. He mourns further when he remembers that his bed also contains the wonderfully snugly Kyungsoo, who had still been sleeping silently when Jongin had reluctantly rolled out of his embrace to get up.

He is here, out of his bed and Kyungsoo’s arms for a good reason though.

Today is his scheduled interview with the LGBT magazine, Seoul’s weekly publication aiming to give support and courage to Koreans both old and younger who are accepting their ualities. Jongin feels mildly guilty that he didn’t know about the magazine; it’s a brilliant idea and Jongin wishes he’d got his hands on a few copies when he first realised he was having feelings for people who weren’t girls.

Jongin is very grateful for the heating in the building when he steps inside. He marches towards the elevator whilst unwinding his scarf from his neck; purposefully ignoring the curious stares directed his way.

Luckily the elevator is empty and well labelled so Jongin has no issues in finding the correct floor and the ride up to the offices is quick and smooth.

Ting!

The elevator opens and Jongin is met with a sea of faces. It appears that the entirety of the staff have gathered around the elevator doors to, well, stare at Jongin as he arrives.

It’s quite comical actually, with row after row of people, young and old al watching him with mouths dropped and faces aghast. No one moves and Jongin scratches the back of his neck awkwardly, his mouth opened in a small ‘o’ shape.

“He’s just as handsome in real life!” a girl at the front pipes. This opens the floodgates and soon there is a wall of noise as the employees pass their judgement and natter between themselves.

Jongin feels rather overwhelmed until a small boy in suspenders and a bow tie leaps forwards, adjusts his glasses and shouts “SHUT UP!”

The room falls silent and the young boy huffs. He turns on his heel to face Jongin and bows. “Mr Kim. I’m Lee Jinki; it’s very nice to see you again. I’ll be interviewing you today, so if you don’t mid...” Jinki says, throwing a look at his colleagues over his shoulder.

They all look mildly guilty and shuffle off, some complaining that ‘it’s so unfair that the intern gets to interview Kim Jongin.’

Jongin shrugs his coat of and follows Jinki into a small private office that is mostly bare save for a desk, two chairs and a Dictaphone.

Jinki smiles at him reassuringly. He’s not going to tell Jongin that he’s actually dying inside right now because this is Kim Jongin oh my god, and he’s spent the past few weeks practicing his confident and reassuring manner to let it all go to waste.

Jongin sits down in a chair gingerly, almost as if he’s afraid he’s going to break it or do something wrong. He has no idea of the sort of questions Jinki is going to ask, so he’s vastly out of his comfort zone. He’s done many an interview before, but those have usually revolved around the business and solely the business. Questions on personal matters and gossip were definitely Sehun’s forte, and Jongin is regretting not asking the younger what to expect.

Jinki sits opposite him and gestures to the Dictaphone lying in front of them. “Ok, so I guess this will be like a lot of interviews you’ve done before, so hopefully this won’t be too much trouble. I like to take notes as well as have my Dictaphone, so it’s likely I’ll be looking down at my pad for most of the time, so there’s no need to be nervous.” He smiles knowingly at Jongin, as if he can tell this isn’t his usual interview experience.

Jongin nods and Jinki continues. “If there’s a question you’re uncomfortable with or don’t want to answer, that’s perfectly fine, just say so and you don’t have to. On the other hand, if you have any questions you feel should be asked, then please feel free to suggest them. This interview shouldn’t take too long, about an hour at most. I think my editor wants to run a full segment on you though, so it may be necessary for you to return for a photo shoot. That will take some time, unfortunately.” Jinki and Jongin both laugh and Jongin feels much more relaxed.

“If you want to speak to your publicist and invite them in before you start you’re—“

“I didn’t bring a publicist. I came on my own. I have an assistant but she’s off doing lord knows what with her girlfriend.” Jongin rolls his eyes and makes a mental agenda to try and be annoyed at Hyoyeon next time he sees her (and to be annoyed at Sooyoung for taking his assistant away but it’s pointless because Sooyoung is so sweet and makes nice coffee which always wins him round).

“Oh. Well, that is unusual... I’d say you’re probably the first person we’ve ever interviewed that hasn’t had a publicist hanging over their shoulder. Um, that’s pretty much everything, I’ll switch the Dictaphone on and then we’ll be away.” Jinki leans forward and presses the little green button.

Jinki leans back in his seat and looks down at his first question. “So, Mr Kim...”

***

The interview is, to Jongin’s surprise, pleasant. He’s never really been the outgoing type, so for something such as an interview being mildly enjoyable is certainly and experience.

Jinki, although he is only an intern, is a fantastic interviewer. He offers broad questions so Jongin has a lot of routes to take when he answers and prompts Jongin further should he get stuck. He opens questioning with a few about Jongin’s company, about how he finds it being South Korea’s youngest and most successful CEO, and Jongin answers them and gains confidence as he is on ground he knows well.

“So Jongin,” Jinki begins. Jongin had told him to call him by his first name seeing as he felt old being called Mr Kim. “It was obviously a big revelation when you came out as gay just before Christmas. How long had it taken you to gain the confidence to come out to the world?”

Jongin smiles softly. “Actually not that long. I... I think I knew I was gay for a very long time. It seems my parents had some clue too, and my best friend Sehun was constantly telling me that maybe my preferences lay with men rather than women but I’d always been an ostrich I guess. I stuck my head in the sand, told myself I was straight; I liked girls, the lot. But deep down, I think I knew. I had a period where I identified as biual, within my friendship circle of course, but I met a lot of other biual people during that time and I realised that the way they felt was different to the way I felt. I identified more with my gay friends when it came down to it, but even then I ignored it and told myself I was straight. Which was stupid really, because... I’m not.”

Jinki nods. “So, what do you think was the final reasoning for you accepting your uality and then coming out?”

Jongin can feel the blush spread across his face and he ducks his head shyly. “It was Kyungsoo.” He and Kyungsoo had agreed that it was fine to talk about their relationship (within reasonable bounds) so Jongin didn’t worry.

When he looks up again Jinki is smiling. “Ah, yes. Do Kyungsoo.” He makes a gesture with his hand signalling for Jongin to expand.

“I- I... The first person I told I was gay was Kyungsoo. I just blurted it out in a coffee shop. To this day I still don’t know why I did it, it wasn’t like I was building up to it. Kyungsoo handled it surprisingly well, this—at that point—stranger sobbing in a cafe. He sat and held me and limped me through it and I... I don’t know what I would have done without him. I guess it was fate, because from then on we just became more and more... I don’t know. Close isn’t the word, it was something more than that. Then when we finally started dating, I didn’t feel like hiding any more. I wanted to scream from the rooftops of Seoul that Kyungsoo was mine and I wanted to be able to walk down the streets and hold his hand. We kept it quiet at first because it was just about when I was just about to take over from my father as CEO, and we didn’t know what affect it could have on the changeover. Things were pushed forwards because of a misunderstanding involving my friend Jihae and... the rest is history I guess.”

Jinki can sense that Jongin could ramble about Kyungsoo for hours judging by the wistful look in his eyes and the slight flush on his cheeks. Jinki puts his notebook down and smiles. “So, how did you meet Kyungsoo?”

“He was working for my dad, actually. He’s a matchmaker and my dad was looking for someone to spend his later years with and Kyungsoo... well, Kyungsoo did that. I was sent to help him search for my dad’s match, seeing as I know him so well, and that’s how we met.” Jongin’s face brightens for a second, as if remembering something. “Actually, that wasn’t the first time we met.”

Jinki furrows his brows and his head to the side curiously.

“The week before, I was in a really bad mood and hurrying to get down the street. Kyungsoo was coming out of the cafe and I barged into him. I made him spill his coffee everywhere and I acted like a total douche. He was really apologetic and sorry and I just yelled at him.” Jongin hangs his head shamefully. “He yelled back at me though, and put me in my place. I deserved it really, and I would probably still be a spoiled brat if he hadn’t said anything. I didn’t apologise at the time, even though it was my fault. I was lucky that Sehun stayed behind and apologised on my behalf and helped Kyungsoo clean up. He even gave Kyungsoo his jacket to make up for Kyungsoo’s ruined one, and I remember I was really grumpy for ages after I met Kyungsoo because I thought Sehun was the one who’d run away with his heart. I got lucky with the fact that Kyungsoo’s so forgiving.” 

Jinki smiles again. “I take it everything’s good now, though?”

Jongin smiles and nods. “Very.”

“What’s it like now you’re settled?”

“I love it. My job is made so much easier by having Kyungsoo there for me. It’s a high pressure job, certainly, but coming home to dinner on the table, plus a hug and a kiss as a bonus. It’s... nice. He’s a really good cook actually, like really good. He’s always experimenting and I get to test all of his food for him. It’s delicious and all of our friends are jealous that I get first taste.” Jongin chuckles.

“ I feel normal when I’m with Kyungsoo. He had a normal childhood, whereas I was always being prepared to take over from my dad. I don’t resent my parents for that at all, but sometimes I crave normality. Kyungsoo’s far more level headed and organised than me, so he keeps me ticking over and makes me go to bed when I’m tired. He also pushes me out of bed in the mornings when I have to get up too, which is pretty horrible but it’s good for me I guess...”

Jinki gets a sly smile on his face. “How do you see yourself in the future? 10 years or so?”

Jongin pauses. He guesses Jinki has made the question deliberately broad so Jongin could head off on the track of all things business and enterprise related, but Jongin wants to be truthful.

“I see myself as head of Super Enterprises as I am now. I hope I’m happy and I still have as much passion and drive for the job as I do today. I hope I’ll see my friends and family happy ad content. I... I see myself with Kyungsoo. I know even now that I want to marry him. I will marry him someday. I don’t have any plans to propose as of yet but... the time will come I’m sure. I’d like kids too. It’s not something we’ve talked about at great length because we’re both young and busy with our jobs, but I’ve thought about it. I- I think Kyungsoo would make an incredible father. He’d probably be a better father than I would! He’s got a nurturing side that comes out if you let it. I want maybe two, three kids? I’ve always wanted girls, but I’d still be overjoyed and thrilled if I had boys, as long as they were happy and healthy. In ten years, I see myself with a young family, hopefully. That would be my dream. Nothing about the business, nothing about travelling the world. I just want a happy, healthy and safe family.”

Jinki’s face portrays shock at Jongin’s openness, but also a softened look of understanding and a gentle smile crosses his features. Jongin is still deep in thought, his face peaceful. Jinki’s voice is quiet and gentle when he asks what he decides will be the final question of the interview.

“If you could say anything to a young gay person, or even an older person, anyone who is struggling to find acceptance over their uality, what would it be?”

Jongin looks up and smiles. “I’d tell them that no matter what, things work out. At first you may seem so alone and frightened and you may think that you’re worth less because of who you are, but that’s not true. You’re a person too, and who you love doesn’t matter. The fact you can love someone, that you have the ability to feel such strong emotions, shows that you are more human than you can ever imagine. If people pick on you, if people call you names, as hard as it may be just ignore them. People can talk all they like but they’re not you, they don’t have your life. If anything, use their words to spur yourself on, achieve your dreams. When you finally reach your happiness you can look back at them and say ‘Well look at me now, I made it.’ I’d say that to anyone who’s being bullied or picked on actually, regardless of uality, race or religion. We’re all human beings and you don’t deserve it, so prove the haters wrong.”

Jongin stops to consider for a moment before nodding as he decides what he’s going to say next, a determined spark in his eyes. “It can be hard when you first understand that you’re gay, so the first step is accepting yourself. Don’t worry about telling friends or family members until you’re completely satisfied that you feel good about yourself and you have the confidence to come out. Don’t lock yourself away of course, you shouldn’t have to hide your uality, but at the same time don’t force yourself to do something you aren’t comfortable with. When you do eventually come out, it’s likely there’ll be a better reaction that you imagined. Your imagination likes to twist all your friends, family, and everyone else in the world into scathing individuals when not everyone is. Some people might find it hard to accept at first, but there’s nothing you can do. It’s who you are, so give them the times to wrap their heads round it. They’ve probably been imagining their son or daughter grow up and get married and have kids in the traditional way, so to have that pulled from you can be a shock. Many people come round to acceptance, because you’ll find your parents and your friends love you no matter what. It’s also likely some people, faceless strangers, will hate and tell you you’re filth, but ignore them. They don’t care about you or what you have to say as a person beyond your uality therefore you don’t have to care about their opinion. Everyone has the right to have an opinion, but no one has the right to force everyone to listen to them. Keep your head held high, your love strong and believe that everything will be ok in the end.”

There is silence in the room after Jongin finishes his little speech. “Wow.” Jinki says after a while, eyes a little wet. “I wish I’d had someone to give me a speech like that when I first came out.”

Jongin blushes and ducks his head, scratching the back of his neck. “Yeah. I’m not quite sure where that came from...”

“The heart would be my best guess.” Jinki says intelligently, leaning forwards to click the Dictaphone off. “Thank you Jongin. That’s possibly been one of the most enjoyable interviews of my life. You- You’re a really good speaker. I don’t know if you realise but—this article could... it could save lives. There could be people all over Seoul who will only find the power to stick around for one more night because of this interview. It’s—it’s powerful stuff. If you don’t mind, I’m hoping that when i get promoted from intern status I’ll be allowed to organise a live event and—and I’d be honoured if you’d come and speak for us. This is my card; I hope we can stay in touch.” Jinki hands his card over tentatively and he looks like he half believes Jongin will reject it.

Jongin doesn’t, he leans forward and takes it with a broad smile. “I’d love to come and speak. I think a live event would be excellent and I’d be honoured to take part. Thank you, Jinki, you’ve been a wonderful interviewer, and I’d love to stay in touch. You like fried chicken?”

“I love fried chicken.” Jinki whimpers.

“Me too. There’s a new chicken place that opened up near my building, I’ll have to buy you dinner as a present.”

Jinki’s jaw nearly hits the floor and he just about manages to nod frantically at the prospect.

Once Jinki recovers, he offers to walk Jongin down to the taxi bay. They chat in elevator like old friends, and Jinki grumbles when he hears that Jongin doesn’t have work today so is heading straight home and back to bed.

Just as Jongin is about to climb into a taxi Jinki asks “Hey Jongin?”

“Hm?”

“You know your boyfriends a matchmaker and all... could he set me up with someone? I’ve got  family wedding in a couple of weeks and my parents are going to kick off if I don’t have a handsome young man on my arm.”

Jongin cringes in sympathy. “Any special requirements?”

“Nah, none really. Just as long as they’re taller than me, but it’s not like that’s hard. Good sense of humour, doesn’t mind my bowties and treats me like a prince. Yeah, nothing much.”

Jongin smiles and winks as he steps into the cab. “I’ll see what I can do.”

***

“Soo?” Jongin calls lightly as he reaches the apartment. It’s still early in the day, and Kyungsoo hasn’t even woken up yet, judging by the silence heading through the rooms. He doesn’t have work though, so it’s not going to be a problem.

Jongin kicks off his shoes when he gets inside and shoves his jacket onto a coat peg. He wanders lazily through the apartment stripping his constricting clothes as he goes; trousers somewhere in the kitchen, tie thrown over the sofa, shirt already half ed when he reaches the bedroom before it’s discarded in the corner.

Kyungsoo’s black head of hair can be seen poking out from under the blankets and Jongin smiles fondly as he shifts slightly.

Jongin clambers back into bed in nothing but his boxers as Kyungsoo shuffles closer, registering Jongin’s warmth.

Kyungsoo is half awake as he reaches out blindly towards Jongin, hair mussed and eyes swollen. “Mm.. missed you.” He says sleepily before plonking his head down on Jongin’s chest and smushing his face into his neck. “You smell good... and you’re warm.”

Jongin chuckles gently. Sleepy Kyungsoo is one of his favourite types of Kyungsoo; cuddly, pliant and lacking in a brain to mouth filter. It’s ridiculously cute and even more endearing when Kyungsoo sighs lightly as Jongin’s arms curl up to hold him tight.

The curtains are still closed and the light is dim, and Jongin begins to realise how tired he really is. The now familiar feeling of contentment settles across his chest as he pulls the blankets up over him and Kyungsoo and lets himself be lulled back to sleep.