Jonghyun,
It’s been a year and yet sometimes I find that it’s still so hard to see a picture or video of you. Sometimes even just hearing or seeing your name makes me get teary eyed. A year ago when I heard the news , I didn’t know what to say. Not the day of , not the day after and even now I’m at a loss of what exactly to say. For the longest time I avoided listening to any of your music, except for the song Lonely. When I listened to it I cried so much because I miss you. Because I didn’t want it to be true. Because I love you so much and you have always been my angel. Thank you for always staying by my side and for allowing me to stay by yours. Thank you for holding my hand , for advising me , for wiping my tears , for encouraging me to get back up when I didn’t think I could, for making me smile. I can only hope that in same way I was able to do the same for you. My angel, you did well and I know one day we’ll see one another someday ?
It's so beautiful to see the overwhelming love people still have for him.
I think about him a lot, especially this month, couldn't stop thinking about him.
I can't believe it's been a year and I still don't know why it ended up like this. I have unconditional love for him and I do remember him for so much, his voice, the music he composed, his beautiful smile, when he cried, when he laughed, everything, I remember all of it. I hope everyone is well. I heard the foundation his mother set up held an arts festival I'm sure it was absolutely beautiful. Even if it hurts like hell I hope good memories of him can fill everyone's hearts a bit.
Jonghyun, I love you, forever missing you.
i changed username. i was InMemoryOfJonghyun (but you can leave it as it as it's fitting for this) ^^y
anyways, i'm glad to see this still around and was able to advertise on the 18th of this month in particular.
it's been a year for sure, but a whole year without him.
the pain and the ache has lessen, but the memories and feelings itself are still present as ever.
i always wondered what it would be like to create more and new memories with him, but it won't happen ever.
still though, there are new memories with fellow Shawols and non-fans who will continue to keep Jjong in their memories and thoughts.
and for that, it's another way to keep memories with him even if he's not physically here.
thanks again for all that you and everyone else has done.
Actually I nearly forgot about him. May be I don't want to. I wrote many posts related to his death at first. I can't understand why he did that. I know~ Depression! But he have family, friends and fans who love him. I won't undetstand how he felt forever since he is not with us. I can't ask the reason why. No one thinks that he would do that. It was a sad new for me. I cried for him. Most of us want to listen his feelings now. 'He is a bad guy' I felt like that. I was a fan. Not his friend! If I was his friend and he told his loneliness to me, I won't let him die. I am lonely too. But I try to live happily by myself. I felt happiness from the idols or someone by listening or watching their activities. So, sometimes, I wanna be someone who can make them happy. Wow~ He had so many fans. Why? That why question won't be able to get the answer forever. Just why? Bad guy you make me cry.
Sometimes I think about him out of nowhere and I just start crying. I’d never been in touch with suicide and never knew the effect it could have on a person. Jonghyun was my idol and an artist who I respected so much. I know he’s happier this way, but I can’t seem to let go and I think about it more than I should. The whole day I’ve just been sad and I’ve been wanting to cry. I wish he was still here because I miss him too much...
I wrote about him recently, I know that he is better off now than he was when he was with us. I just hope that for his sake and Shinee's that people in the future don't see him for just his end but all of the amazing things we love and cherish about him. I hope that for generations to come he is seen as brave and kind and genuine because I believe that is how he should always be seen.
Miss you Jjong xx
Jonghyun I miss you. It's been a year already and I hope you're doing okay up there. You had suffered enough. Rest well up there. You did well and you deserve to rest.
I just want to say I miss you
Hey Jjong, my baby dino. First, let me say this. I miss you. I miss seeing you infront of me at your concerts. I miss listening to your voice live. I miss you lame jokes, i miss your big smiles.
The first time i knew you, it was replay ofcourse. I was not really impressed by you at first. Your solo song "Y sir fuella" got me into you. Your distinct vocal, your melodious tones, your high notes, they blew my mind. Then i got to see your personality through Hello baby. It was a great show.
When i listened your recent solo songs, i feel your sadness, when i saw your concert, i kinda feel there was something wrong, but i didnt notice it was that dangerous.
Dear Jjong, i was depressed my self back in my teens to my 24th. I self-harmed for a year. I've struggled enough that i felt like to kill my self. Thinking that i was alone. I miraculously stopped my self after i listened to 'Breathe' which you wrote. You calmed me down (i know it sounds so cheesy). I think. I searched for help, thanks to you. Now that being said, i regret that you didnt feel the same way. If only i knew you personally. If only i could hug you when you had your thoughts back then. If only i were there when you ended you life.
Now that you've gone, it still hurts Jjong. But we are moving forward, remembering you in our hearts. Now that you became the hero, not for your action, but the afterwards, people can speak up their depression, they seek help. You help people. And now, you should smile in heaven. You should dance there. Sing your heart out, scream your happiness. I am sad here, but happy that you are not in pain anymore. Farewell Kim Jonghyun. You are always in our hearts.
Chapter 772: I keep telling myself to smile, like the way I wanted to remember him, his smiling face, his high pitched note, his angry tone, his high checks, his incredible eyebrows, the light in his eyes when he talked with someone, everything about him. I want to remember everything. Jonghyun ~ah,, I really want to have the courage to keep all those memories of you in my brain and in my heart, I wish I can do that until I can meet you in heaven someday. I wanted to hold your hand and walk by the sunny beach and enjoy that great songs you were making, I wanted to know you better, I wanted to know the real you, your burden and sharing all those painful scars in both of our heart, I wanted you to tell me what you were feeling back then and I want to hear that you're okay now, that we are.. thank you for everything.
Lastly, I want to see your smile once again, just like the way I always remember., you're my beautiful brightest shining star.
It's been a year already- a painfully long and depressing year for me, actually.
I remember that day clearly; like just any other normal day, I came home from school and it was around 2pm when I saw on Instagram that one of my friends posted a picture of you, within the text ' Rest in peace angel. ' I was so confussed first few minutes until I started digging, trying to find out what the hell happened.
I asked my friend about it and she said that you comitted suicide. I at first, I started laughing, thinking that all this may be just a sick rumor somebody started out of fun. Then, when I stopped laughing, I felt everything collapsing; my room didn't felt warm as it was just few minutes ago.
My heart stopped in my chest as I numbly scrolled through my phone, seeing posts that confirmed everything and I was getting more and more scared as seconds passed.
When I finnaly closed eyes, after few frightening minutes and tense silence that hung in my head and around be, I started crying as my whole body was shaking. Ugly sobs were getting out of my mouth as I stared at your picture on my phone. I felt out of place, so lost and alone, like I was againist the whole world, just because somebody I didn't know isn't on this world anymore.
I was crying for two hours straight ( I found out on Twitter that they got you into the hospital after they found you, Jonghyun ) so I tried to clam down and tell myself that everything is alright and that you're gonna be alright. ( There was dark voice at the back of my head telling me that you won't survive and that it'll just get me more crushed. )
I guess that the voice was right, after all.
I continued my crying session as I saw that you couldn't be saved, Jjong. I cried even more when I saw how many people also are sad over this and how some of them took their lifes because of this.
Too scared to say anything to my parents or come to them with puffy and red eyes, I cried in my room, barerly breathing from all the crying. Then, my mom called me and I had to go to the bathroom and refresh myself for a bit; then, I came to my parents and we laughed, smiled, talked about everything and anything. Like my heart didn't break in million pieces akready that day, like I didn't lose a person that helped me and understood me through rough times when I knew that my parents wouldn't and couldn't.
Even if they noticed my pale face, redish lips, puffy and red eyes from crying and the empty look, my parents hadn't said anything which I am glad for. If they knew why I cried, they would probably lecture me like no tomorrow and I'll just get one of thode talks ' why you shouldn' t cry because of famous people ' and ' why is depression bad '. And they would’ve probably just laughed at me.
For the rest of the day, I couldn't cry anymore and my head hurt so badly, and I felt mentally tired again, but I hid it with a smile. I always do, and even after those four years fighting with depression, I am still way too scared to say anything to my parents ( knowing what they could do to me, especially my dad, after calling me useless multiple times and telling me things that I don't want to remember. )
Next day after your death, I just wanted my ( now ex ) best friend to understand back then that I wasn't in mood for anything and that I'll probably cry at school. She almost laughed at me when I told her about you and what happened. It only worsened my mood and everything was too much. I just wanted to be in my bed and cry forever.
Anyways, I said that she is my ex best friend now, and that's true. I snapped a month ago and said that I can't do this anymore ( I didn't tell her for months how depressed I was aand that I just wanted ground to swallow me; I hid everything with a smile telling her that I am getting better. )
At the beginning with me talking about my depression, she understood, but after few weeks, she became a complete . It's better if I stop here, because I could write a book about everything she did to me.
I told her once that I wanted to end it all, because everything hurt and I was tired. She didn't even look at me when she said that she'll miss me.
That's probably the only positive thing I did for myself this year. And you really inspired me to free myself from her, Jonghyun. You also inspired me to start writting poems, songs and stories.
I was so scared, you know, after SHINee's bew album came out. I couldn't bring myself to listen to it, without thinking about you and remembering you.
I am probably at my worst this year at school. I know that I can do better, yet I can't. My concretation is sometimes terrible, and my head starts spinning when I read first two paragraphs of something that I have to learn.
Jonghyun, my big fluffball, I hope that you're resting well, along with others who went with you. Even with my terrible mood swings, terrible care that I take of myself, I hope that you're watching me and other Shawols and cheering for us with that bright smile of yours. I also hope that you're proud of SHINee- even after everything, they're stil trying to be strong for all of us, without a break. If I had to be honest with myself, I miss your laugh and everything about you. Your bright personality and your voice. But, I also wanted to thank you for everything you did for us in the 27 years in your life, for all the songs you spent nights on writting, making, producing, practicing. Thank you for giving us streight to push foreward, even when we all were helplessly and hopelessly drowning. Thank you for making me and many others smile even in the worst situations. I am sorry that none of us noticed; you deserved someone who would tell you that it'll get bettet as time passes, that you did amazing and that you have to slow down a little.
I am not at my best right now, and I am too scared to tell anybody, especially my parents. Knowing them, it would be just another exuse why they need to think of me as of a dissappointment.
Yet even om my darkest days, as I said, you give me streight to push foreward, even if it's a bit. Thank you for being my inspiration and hope. I know that I can't help everyone, but I want to try to help a few friends of mine. Even with everything that is happening to me, I am at my worst when I know that they suffer. Even if it's a little message, I stil want to help them like you helped me, even if it was a song on the YouTube or just you as Jonghyun; they also suffer from everything that happened about you, but I see that they're happier and it's easier for them to breathe when somebody says your name. And I'm glad that they're able to move on.
Again, thank you for everything Jonghyun.
Rest well and in peace.
You won't be forgotten; as I said, we're proud of you that words can't describe it and we all share endless love for you.
Shine on us brightly, alright? Just like you did when you were here.
You did amazing, Kim Jonghyun. I love you.
Edit: ( I also had a dream with you in it, Jjong. It was nighttime on the day of your... death... and I was getting ready to go into the bed. It felt like I was laying in bed for hours, mind full of everything and yet of nothing, as I begun drifting off.
Dream started with me being in a big, white room. There weren't any windows, doors, nothing- then, oure white light appeard. I heard the sound of my alarm somewhere in the background, but I didn't quite do anything about it. Then, suddenly, I felt a strong, yet friendly, pat on my shoulder. I jumped in place, but before I could speak or move, you spoke: " Hey, kid, wake up! Your alarm is ringing and you're going to be late for school! " I froze in place as cold sweat started forming on my face. I slowly turned aroudn and my eyes almost popped out of my skull as I saw you right in front of me, looking all fancy and fresh, while positive energy was radiating from you and you had that bright smile on your face.
I woke up as you began saying something else which I couldn't make out. After crying for another half an hour, I got up, got ready and then went to school. )
I really can't let go of your memories, they are constant reminders of a great story that i never expected to end. I am glad, glad to know all of your pains are gone now, you did very well my dear, rest well sweetheart, i miss you, i love you endlessly..
365 days without your smile and melodious giggles.
365 days without your wisdom, open-mindedness, uplifting words, and passion that inspired the world.
365 days of suppressed gloom and emptiness.
365 days without your gentle soul, Jonghyun-ah.
365 days since you left us, since you left my fragile soul shattered, and as if there is something taken away from me.
365 days since you passed, yet the pain you left never did.
365 days since I had my regrets, my “what ifs,” my “if only I did,” my “I could have…” and up to this day, I admit those thoughts still haunt me.
365 days since it happened, yet I could tell I still haven’t fully moved on.
I cannot still see your pictures by accident without quickly scrolling the page down.
I cannot still watch your last two music videos after I viewed them once.
I have difficulty deciding if I should listen to your last album for the very first time, or I should not.
I refuse to watch SHINee’s recent music videos and listen to their music because I cannot accept I cannot hear your voice anymore.
I promised to continue watching over the other four, yet I cannot even click articles regarding them.
365 days since you left, 362 days since you were buried, yet your legacy still exists. Your memory still lives in us, in me.
How can I forget how I lived in the three years you served as an inspiration to me?
I wrote fics where you are the most ethereal human being alive.
I wrote poems and letters because of your beautiful self, inside and out.
I daydreamed of you, of us, of the things I may do if I see you on a fansign or anywhere.
I wanted to give you flowers, for you to see how they fall short of your beauty.
I wanted to kiss your hand, like the morning dew kissing the leaves in a spring day.
I wanted to learn Korean, to say words and give you letters with my awful accent and handwriting to let you know how much I am proud of you.
I wanted to tell you how I wish to see you happy, that you can marry anybody who makes your heart flutter.
I wished to see you again, closer than I did when I saw you that wonderful day.
But now, I can only sit down, sigh, and try to accept that you will never come back.
On the following days, I can only endure like I used to do.
To face every day with a fiery, passionate spirit.
To try to uplift myself from the times I am desolate.
To prevent myself from succumbing to the empty void inside me.
To convince myself to stay alive, to reach my dreams despite the mocking thoughts of my meaningless life.
Jonghyun, thank you. Thank you for being an inspiration to me. Thank you for all the wise and encouraging words you let the world hear. Thank you for the using your voice to speak out against the unfairness in this society. Thank you for making our sad days a little brighter with your music, your artistry, your laugh, your humor, your existence. Thank you for being a role model to me, teaching me how to dream and to strive for it. Thank you for giving me the courage to live on with life despite the darkness I am trying to fight each and every day.
Lastly, thank you for being Kim Jonghyun, for making a wayward, meaningless soul feel alive even once in her life. You did well. You did great. I am proud of you, my precious Jjongie. I love you, baby.
I have cried my eyes out last night, the images of his smiling face keeps appearing on my thoughts , I cry because I miss him so much, remembering the first time I saw his face it was in the Ring Ding Ding video and I was awestruck of his beautiful voice. Shinee was there in a moment of my life where I was wishing to be dead as my dreams were crashed forever, my first song that connected me to them was A-YO it has a great message that brought light to my days, when the new about this dead reached to me, I felt so guilty that he was able to help me when I needed him the most and I was not able to help him in any way. Due to this is pains me every moment I hear his voice and now he's gone from this world but he has not left us, he is the star that follows you everyday and night. He will be the brightest star on the sky wherever I go. I just hope my all my heart that he is happy that all pain or sadness he had are now gone for good.
My heart will always yearn for him and his beautiful smile and I hope that if this after this life, I could meet him, I hope we can be good friends and then express all the gratefulness I do feel towards him.
Everyone that suffers of Depression such as me or JongHyun himself, please remember that your loved and you are more than enough for this world. Hang on there after darkness always come lights so just lets all wait a little more.
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