Jongin felt gloomy that day, his heart and mind were at a different place and he couldn’t even smile at his baby as he tucked him in for a nap. Some of the guys went to ask him what was wrong, they sat next to him as he spilled his heart out, chest heavy and eyes wet with tears unshed. 

“My father never seemed to like me too much.” He started. “He always felt to me as if he was disappointed in me. I mean before getting into SM, I thought of becoming a doctor and I feel like that’s what he wanted. Like he’s disappointed I didn’t do what he expected me to. I mean I remember as a kid, how he used to baby my sisters while I… felt kind of left out. I guess?” He sighed, shaking his head. The others looked at him with a frown. “Why is it.. a subject now though? I mean you’ve always been in an iffy relationship with him. Did something happen?” Joonmyun asked. 

“Okay, so like when my dad was in his thirties, he lost his parents. One died from a heart attack and the other from cancer. The interval between their deaths was very short, about three years, I think? Anyway, my grandparents weren’t the best parents either, they were quite strict with him and expected a lot from him, and showed their disappointment in him quite freely. I always assumed that because of how he was raised, he would either grow to become a better father who would know better than to treat his own children the way he was treated, or he will grow to become just like his parents. But of course I hoped for the first option. So when they died, my bigger sisters were really small and I was not born yet, I was in my mom’s belly, all cooking bun and , when my grandfather died of cancer when dad was thirty six. Dad was left alone… well besides his new family basically. I knew he loved his parents a lot from all mom told me about him during my childhood and when dad always ignored me, I always assumed that a man just has so much love he can give, and once he had given all of his ‘stock’ then he cannot love someone else. I assumed that he emptied his stock of love on his parents, my mom and sisters. I was born too late and didn’t make the cut. It made sense as a child, and honestly I kept believing it until my late teens. But now…. that I have my precious baby, I can’t imagine how is that even possible. How can someone not love something that came from him? A little precious gem, that is all his own. I mean it sounds weird and maybe a bit self absorbed to talk like that about myself, but I am not talking just about me. But in general, it doesn't make sense to believe that a person has a limited amount of love to give and that he could run out on his own child... no matter who and how many people he loved before.” He rubbed his face as Jongdae placed his hand on Jongin’s back to rub it soothingly. Jongin then continued. 

“So when I went to school and got A’s and he told me ‘Why not A+?’ or when I went to dancing classes and was told I am the best of my class and he told me not to be too proud until I am the best in the world or when I just wanted a single damn compliment and got the cold shoulder… I tried telling myself it’s not my fault, and it's not his either. I was born too late. His stock was gone. But now I don’t get it. Mom came over here today. Dad is sick, and he has been for a month now. They found growths in his lungs… and he is going to start chemo therapy but they are still not sure if they found the growths on time or not.” He looked at his fellow band mates, swallowing thickly. All of them reached silently to embrace him. He gently pushed them away to pull something that rested behind his back on the couch. He opened it, it was a photo book. “Today I asked mom why doesn’t my dad love me, and how should they expect me to stand by his side when he never seemed to care about me enough. I asked her how could she expect me by his side when he treated me like I am nothing. So she gave this to me. She told me he always loved me, he was just bad at showing it. He didn’t know how to raise a boy properly. That for him raising girls was easier, because girls can be spoiled and pampered and that’s it. But he thought boys shouldn’t, because they need to become men, and one cannot become a man if his daddy showers him with love. I was angry at that. Because that’s wrong. Every child wants and needs to be pampered with love. Mom told me that since he wasn’t, and he grew up to be a successful man with such smarts kids, he assumed the method was right. If he babies the girls, they will grow to be princesses, if he toughens me up, I will grow to be a man, a noble knight because I am tough and brave enough. It wasn’t until I opened it that I calmed down… and quietly cried my heart out in the bathroom until Sehun kicked me out…”

As he began flipping through the pages, the members got to see rare pictures of Jongin. Jongin’s first steps, his first day of school, his first report card with a little note saying ’so proud’ in his dad’s hand writing, his first day of dancing class, his first date. Jongin just being around the house, helping his mom cook, clean. Jongin dancing for his mom. Jongin on different holidays at different ages. The book was huge, and every page was filled with at least three pictures. The entire book had to have contained at least a thousand of pictures, ranging from small to big, all of Jongin. Little notes were attached here and there. He reached the pictures of recent days, of music shops and of a collection of 20 CDs, all bought by his father. Small photo cards were attached to the pages of the book too. The book was full of memories of Jongin’s entire life, they told his entire story, from big moments to the smallest and simplest ones. Jongin was crying again, breathing heavily. “Mom told me that he used to fill books up until he found this really big one. So he took all his photo books and took out his favourite photos to put it all in one book so he could look through it while he is getting his therapy. I asked her if he had some of my sisters and he told me he had some, but he had stopped looking at them when both of them got married. Because they are not his little princesses anymore, they are their own grown up queens now. But for him, I am still his little prince, his little man. That I make him so proud and that I have set myself goals and have completed them so well. That I bring him so much pride, even if he’s bad at expressing it.”

Jongin rubbed his face dry, inhaling a deep lungful of air. “I don’t know what to do. It was too much… I didn’t expect it. I thought to myself when mom brought me the news that hey… this man didn’t care for me, so why should I care for him. It might be cold, but it’s an easy way to think about. But now.. now that I know this. How do I cope with the fact that my dad might be dying?”

The guys sat around Jongin, piling up until the entire group was seated around him and Joonmyun brought tea for Jongin and some light snack to calm everyone down. They all tried calming him down but it was obvious that he was not exactly in a place where he could be calmed down. Jongin sat there, still listing through the pictures of his childhood, of his debut, of his actual life. In the meantime Baekhyun and Chanyeol were the first to leave, followed by Sehun and Jongdae. Eventually Kyungsoo left as well and the only ones left were Minseok, Joonmyun and Yixing, all trying to talk and comfort their friend. The problem they were facing was that Jongin didn't want to calm down. He was angry with himself and he didn't want to forgive himself. Maybe if he paid a little more attention to details that were other than dance related, he could have seen it. He would have seen his dad behind that camera lens. He stopped at a picture of a room he had never entered before. It was dad's office room and the walls were absolutely covere with posters of Jongin and some different sized pictures of Jongin and his sisters. There were huge stocks of albums by the wall, copies of dozens of the same album. His dad wanted them to sell well. Jongin started choking up again.

A bit dizzy, he found himself asking to be left alone, staring at the photos for the nth time already because he couldn't just get enough. His lips pursed as he looked up at the ceiling and wondered what he should do next. He sat like that, quietly meditating to himself for quite a while.

Changsung woke up from his nap and was snatched quickly by one of the members. When he was released, he toddled over to his meditating father and held his hands up, grinning happily as he climbed onto the lap of his worn out dad. He snuggles and smooched his daddy’s cheeks, just barely getting a small smile from him before picking out a small note that was placed into his onesie’s pocket. Jongin looked at the note curiously before opening it. On the note it said: "You cannot truly appreciate light without darkness. You cannot truly appreciate laughter without tears. You cannot truly appreciate happiness without sadness, nor bliss without pain. Cheer up, Jongin. After the storm, the rainbow will come and the sky will sparkle blue. Past the clouds, the sky is always bright. It will be alright. But right now, you need to look at your sunshine, the little guy on your lap. Let him guide you out of this storm. Let him help you. He might be tiny, but he’s stronger than any of us. He will be your saviour.”

Jongin felt his chest clutching as he read through the note and then looked at his son. He quickly looked around to figure out who did that. “Baby, who gave you this note?” He asked, picked his son up to stand on Jongin’s lap. Changsung just broke into giggles and placed a finger against his lips. “Shh. It shecwet.”