PART 1

12:55 on Retrograde

Have you ever imagined the resentment of forgetting something important? Before you knew it your recollections goes back when you're fifteen turning sixteen by tomorrow. Living like it was your current self when your present age is actually eighteen that brings endless loneliness. Not just that but also pain.

My memory lasted only every half of a day. Sentimentalism is just a waste of time when I'll just simply forget about it. Initially, my brain automatically formatting my life every twelve hours but before that happens I took down every event, new acquaintances, and reminded myself by sending scheduled message to my smart phone.

 

"To my current self who's reading this, I hope you'll do the same thing five minutes
(which is 12:55 AM/PM) before your memories disappeared. These might take a lot of effort but kindly do-so for the sake of your next self."

♦♦♣♦♦

 

Everything started two years ago. I found myself lying to an isolated room where the walls are coated in white with the same color of the curtains that hangs in the sliding glass window. My eyes caught the busy people in white robes that passed by through my room. I quickly landed my sight to my right arm which tucked with an injecting needle. It was connected by a tube going through the dextrose bag and was stirred with my translucent red fluid. I slowly brushed my hand in the upper part of my ear. I felt the rough bandage wrapped around my head and a patch in my left eye. When I perceived a sudden headache as I tried to remember on what the heck happened to myself.

I actually into deep sleep for about three months and today seem my first wake ever since I was admitted in this cold ward. I took my awareness in rest when I saw a woman entering my room but my vision didn’t even try to recognize her or wait for my mother to notice my awakening. I gradually fell asleep again.

By the time I woke up, I took a glance in the window and saw the few glimmering stars in the night sky between the swaying curtains. It seems I was asleep for about ten hours. My mom showed up to my sight when I remember opening my eyes for the second time. I startled when she quickly muffled her arms around my frail body.

"You’re awake now, my son. Thank God he's fine" I heard from the weeping voice of my mother and felt her body shaking.

"M-mom! Why I-I'm here? What happened?" The first thing came out from my stuttering words.

"You caught into a car accident" she sadly said.

"Ho-How? I don't get it" I asked and look right through her eyes and then continued “What do you mean?"

A worrying expression shown to her face as she quickly went out of the room, when she came back she's already with the doctor and nurse assigned to her pitiable son.
 I somehow heard their conversation while walking towards to my ward.
Again, I felt a drastic headache. I firmly closed my eyes together and pressed my hand around my forehead. I growled from the hammering pain, the nurse supported my back to lie down. She injected a liquid form remedy into the tube pinned to my arm and the pain in my head slowly disappeared.
I gently lifted my head.

"Wh-what happened?" I asked again.

"You got a sudden head pain" the nurse says.

" N-no! Wha-what I meant is- why I'm here?" I continue.

I hysterically shoot my sight in every corner of the room and continued to wonder from the situation. My mom grabbed the doctor’s arm as I glanced at her concerned face. I can’t seem to remember and this is kind of worst. The nurse was trying to calm me down as I continue to struggle from where I laid on.

"Dr.Jang! What's going on? It seems he forgot why he's here. I remember explaining it to him a while ago, No! Not just today even yesterday" My mother explained.

"M-mom , What do you mean? What exactly happened to me?"
I asked many times.

"He doesn’t remember anything on what happened to him but he recognizes me" she says.

"Calm down! Mother, let me ask him some questions"

The doctor approaches me after he tried relieving my mother.  Dr. Jang checked the wounds on my head if it’s mending.  He gently removed the bandages on my head. The thread used to sew the cut was completely gone. After cleaning it, he placed the smaller gauze then taped it over. He even looked on my left eye too but it seems it’s not yet completely healed.

"I'm fine now, the headache is gone and what happened to me?"

“Do you remember about the last thing you're doing?” He asked while softly thudding the bottom of his pen on his medical report book. “Before you got here?"

"What I remember is, I'm at the house. Fixing myself and about to meet a friend" I clearly explained.

“I see, don’t you remember yourself getting into accident?"

"Not at all!" I firmly answered shrugging my head.

♦♦♣♦♦

 

I'm in the moment where I’m sitting at the edge of my bed. It's already 12:55 in the morning, a very late evening. Currently writing all the things happened today and about him who I supposed to meet on the day I lost a part of myself. Tirelessly, the usual thing happened again, the pain strike to my head. I whined and clenched my teeth together then grasped to my stuffy blanket.
My mom went inside my room and handed my medication after hearing my screeching.

"Son? Are you okay? Take this" she asked while handling few remedies on her palm and followed by glass of water.

"Wh-what is this? Why is it already night time? Did I fall asleep?" I bombarded her whilst raising my voice a little bit. “Why didn’t you wake me? I supposed to meet a friend today"

"Stop it, Son! We're doing the same thing everyday"

My mom bawled when tears trickled behind the few strands of her hair. I somehow sensed her being tired when she gradually fell down on her knees. I noticed her pale complexion and partially look older from what I remember. I can’t comprehend the situation but I still attempted to ask my mom despite of seeing her posture.

"M-mom? I don't unde-understand you" I stammered.

"You will know soon. Just go to bed, you need to wake up early because it's your first day in university" she conveyed, wiping her tears as she stood and left my room.

I don't get what my mom says. Surprisingly, I became a college all of a sudden. The last thing I remember is, I dressed up myself and was about to meet someone. A someone who I can’t remember. How much I think, my headaches badly storms.
My phone suddenly alarmed and alerted me for a moment. I read what the message says then grabbed the journal tossed aside in my cot and finally understand everything. Except for one thing that bothers, who am I supposed to meet? Why does it feel so important to me? Sadly, but I still don't remember a thing about that person.

"Mother, I'm sorry for you to hear this but I'm afraid your son is suffering from one of the amnesic illnesses"

The doctor theorized to my mom together with me.

"Memo-ry- Il-what?" I declaimed with disbelief which widened my eyes.

"We need to run some test, if there's more possible reason to your memory loss."
He explained.

I lie beneath the white cold cot wearing hospital robe for the patients. My body entered on a medical scanner device to collect my diagnostic report.
After all the examination, the neurologist brought us back to his office. He explained all the defects about my brain. My mom always gets mad whenever I used the word defect about my brain. It was defected after all, what’s wrong with that.

"As I suspected, sadly but you are suffering in Retrograde Amnesia"

The two words RETROGRADE AMNESIA keeps on resonating to my mind as if the doctor's voice endlessly whispering to my ear.

Retrograde Amnesia is the loss of memories that formed before a trauma such as brain injury which exactly happened to me from accident.

The doctor followed another explanation that Retrograde Amnesia after trauma such as car accident is often a form of "retrieval failure". Memories last in retrograde amnesia, just like memories for the time right before the crash often came back. He says I need to go through in operation which my mom accepted right away not even asking my decision.
Week has passed but my memory doesn’t come back after the ineffectual operation but the doctor trying to assure that it will gradually came back depend to my own will. What’s that supposed to mean? I feel so empty and hopeless.
Dr.Jang also indicated that going in the place where the accident took place might help me likewise ask the people who can tell what exactly happened. But there's no one I can ask. I can't even remember who that person is. That someone completely vanished from my memory.

Three months have passed ever since I got discharged from the hospital. I felt so bad for having my parents paying the large hospital bills despite having of their useless son.
Ten o’clock in the morning when the digital clock boldly snooze beside my ear. I went to the bathroom to wash myself. I wear the navy blue cardigan beneath my while long polo sleeve.
I dashed to the dining and grab my breakfast. Based from my note, I got in Music and Arts Department at Seoul University, quite prestigious campus. I was enrolled in a portion where a mostly student forsakes his studies.

I wear the thickest jacket from my closet and a pair of leathered gloves. I'm ready for my departure. As I bid my goodbye to my mother, she muffled a white scarf that she knitted around my neck.  I so amused with mom’s handicraft.

“I’m off to university today. Don't worry about me, okay? I'll be fine"

"Do your best, Son"

Just like my mom's good luck I never failed to bring my journal along with me. I enclosed the door when a half of a foot tall covered the path going through the entrance of our yard. I asked my mom for a kettle of boiling water. The gate was rusted by the snowy weather. It took me a couple of minutes after I clogged the lock in the gate.

When I finally reach my destination, the students spread in every part of the campus. I’m a bit astonished by the sight of the university. Unluckily with my condition’s usual routine, my head started to ache. It seems it's more painful than before that makes me fall to my knees. I pointed my eyes to the ground and noticed a pair of legs. When I slowly lifted my head, there’s a man standing before offering a hand to me. I never think twice I swiftly took it. I dug the translucent blue case in my bag and took my meds.
I found this very funny, whenever I feel those head pains I automatically seeks for this blue case and waits for my phone to alarm.