I closed my leather-backed diary after reading that year old entry. It's crazy to think that I whined over that sort of thing whenever I had free time. I chuckled to myself. I was hurt for a long while before that last entry, but eventually I finally acquired the idea to write down my thoughts last January. The year 2013 had just ended and I was finally starting to get used to all of the members in our group since it was the year of our debut. I had been hurting for almost two years.

But two years of hurt is a long time in a sense, it can do a lot to a person. Overall it toughens you up until numbed of emotion. Perhaps Jungkook reached that final stage himself, so maybe he isn't to blame for his lack of affection. But I wonder who could've done that to him? Pft. I don't know and I don't care.

I bent down and placed my diary into a drawer labeled "Jimin" and leaned back into the chair, swiveling from side to side calmly. As I closed my eyes and breathed deeply, memories of Jungkook and I suddenly flooded back into my mind. I squeezed my eyes tighter and rubbed them frustratedly, attempting to sway my thoughts from something I've been trying to avoid for months now. I can't remember. If I do, I'll be a mess again.

"Agh!" I grunted out, jolting upright. I can't do this—it's too quiet, I have to get out of here. I rose from the chair and left the home recording studio, entering the rest of the house. I tried to move as fast as I could to avoid any confrontation from the other members, specifically one person in particular who I preferably didn't want to come into contact with at the moment.

As I had predicted, the current situation would make it almost impossible for me to leave unnoticed. V and Jungkook were running around and laughing about who knows what, but I didn't watch them long enough to find out. Monie and Suga were talking on the couch while listening to some music, and Hobie was messing with Jin in the kitchen while he prepared something that smelled rather delicious. Okay, they all look distracted. Now for the execution. I waited until Jungkook and V weren't facing the front door, then I booked it.

Successfully, I left the dorm and exited the building, now exposed to the fresh breeze of the outside world. I began walking along the sidewalk, having no destination in mind, but honestly I didn't need one. I just needed to get away from the place that carried so many memories. Memories of me and.. Ugh just, just don't think Jimin, don't think. You'll only make things worse for yourself if you do.

I stuck my hands into my pockets and kept on forward, feeling calmed out in the open rather than crammed up with six pabos in that tiny room back at the dorm. Ahh.. This is just what I wanted. Friendly faces surrounding me going about their normal routines— not attacking and fleeing over just because they see the boy group "Bangtan Sonyeondan" somewhere; although that usually only happens when we are seen in the big cities where there are a lot of people. Maybe it has to do with the fact that our new residence lies far away from the big parts of Seoul and is hidden from suspected idol locations. Thanks, PD nim.

When I don't want anyone to know who I am, I'm sure to cover up my red hair as much as possible, and avoid wearing super expensive name brand clothing which usually draws suspicion. However, looking like you're obviously trying to avoid being recognized is also suspicious, but you can't win them all. I just chose the method that's most convenient for me.

I look around me, trying to spot somewhere that seemed cozy and not so packed with people, and I spotted this park down the way, not too far from where I was now. I know that place—me and the other members have been there before for an outdoor fan meet once. It was beautiful. Cherry blossom trees grow there, so it makes for a pretty and serene setting; I remember taking many selfies that day.

Maybe there, I'll be inspired to... I don't know, write song lyrics? I know that I'm not one whom is talented in writing lyrics like my hyungs Suga and Rapmon, but Monnie mentioned to me a while back that he would like if the vocal line would try practicing more on writing lyrics and composing, so that eventually every one of us has that skill for whenever we need it. I think it was a good idea, but everything is a little harder when you're not naturally gifted for it in my opinion.

I don't know what my gift is most times. Sometimes I think I'm pretty good at singing, but I don't think I was very good at that in the beginning. I had to practice for hours and hours on end and take countless voice lessons for it to get how it is now and to reach those legendary high notes. If it weren't for my interest in music to begin with and the encouragement of my trainers and fellow trainees, I probably wouldn't have advanced in my singing as fast. I truly believe if you enjoy doing something, it will be easier to succeed at it, as well, in my opinion.

I know that composing is not something I'm naturally good at, and drawing isn't anything special, though ARMY likes to tell me otherwise. Dancing could be one gift, since I do make it look easy during practices according to V and Jin, but it still takes me a long time to learn choreography and it takes a lot to remember dance steps. On the other hand, Jhope is very good at dance; He's energetic, sharp and creative with it.

So the only thing left for me would probably be my personality. My charm, sillyness, consideration and kindness.. I guess that's my gift- being someone else's gift. Ha, that's unfortunate. Unfortunate little me.

~.~.~.~

I made it to the park and sat myself down under a cherry blossom tree that seemed to be on it's lonesome in the far corner of the park. I thought that maybe we were both different and he needed me, so I sat next to him... , I am too considerate, aren't I?

Once sat on the soft grass, I leaned myself against the bark of the tree and started humming a song that I got stuck in my head this morning. I pulled out my phone and checked the time which read 6:15 P.M. Ugh, this day is going by soo slow. I opened up a new document and began writing lyrics I randomly came up with while I soaked in my surroundings.

"Cherry blossoms trickle down like the tears on my face" I typed. Great, this already sounds like a sappy love song.

"Leaving me to think, why am I here? Watching the earth play out my mind?"

"My mind is something I don't want, it's not welcome anymore"
"I can never escape the brooding pictures of the past"

I took a moment to read through what I had just written. Wow, I can be deep. You know, these are actually really meaningful lyrics that I'm sure many ARMYS would be able to relate to. Maybe I'll talk to Suga hyung when I have the chance to see if he can arrange it properly into a song. That is, if I'm lucky enough.

I sat there for a while, listening to the wind rustle the tree branches and swaying the grass frantically, like they were trying to break free and drift away somewhere. I looked up to the sky and watched the clouds move slowly after one another.

They chased the one ahead of them with great determination but were never able to before those clouds dissipated and new ones formed. I sighed and looked down at the shoes that were stretched out in front of me. Anything I saw somehow led to the same thoughts.. Agh I can't escape, not even from myself.

"I think I'm sick, I think I'm sick," I hummed from BIGBANG's "Monster." I sighed and grasped at the grass beneath me. Yeah, I'm definitely sick.

I began humming the beginning of the song in attempt to distract myself from thinking and I closed my eyes. Suddenly I got a text from V reading, "Hey Jimin where are you? I thought you were in the recording studio!!"

Me: "I'm not at the dorm. I left a while ago, don't worry about it" I sent back rather vaguely. I left secretly for a reason and I didn't intend on telling him.

Tae: "What? Why? Where?" He replied, making me sigh out of annoyance.

Me: "Nowhere in particular. Just out and about. Catch you later Tae ✌"

I cringed at my vagueness and set my phone down on the grass. I'm not usually like this, but with everything I'm going through right now I just needed to be by myself, with no one bothering me so I can think in peace.

I'm trying to get better, I really am, but the more I push it away the worse I become. It hurts too much to acknowledge the complications, but no matter how much it hurts I still find myself doing it.

*Sigh* Why am I so complicated? I rested my hand over my eyes, shading them from the rays of the sun. It's warm in this hoodie, but I can't take it off since I've got nothing under it. I'm thinking of leaving here soon and going back to the dorm. Ugh, if only that didn't mean I would have to see him again.