chapter i: locomotor mortis
always tickle a sleeping dragon : a series of bangtan oneshotslocomotor mortis : a spell that locks the legs together, preventing the victim from moving the legs in any fashion.
characters that appear + facts about them:
1. kim namjoon: fifth year; half-blood, ravenclaw. god of destruction, but a clever kid.
2. jung hoseok: fifth year; half-blood, gryffindor. quidditch captain, laughs way too much.
3. min yoongi: sixth year; pureblood, slytherin. insanely lazy, hates everyone but kim seokjin.
total word count: 974
Namjoon is pretty sure that when he stepped through the large, spellbound gates of Hogwarts wearing a mesmerized look on his face, he clearly did not ask for a bandwagon of losers to make his life a little (a lot) harder. He didn't ask for an obnoxious fellow fifth year Gryffindor by the name of Hoseok during his first year at Hogwarts (who turns out to have a black hole for a mouth and the very reason as to why girls look at him like he's got arms for legs). And he sure as hell didn't ask for log-in-my- Min Yoongi, a pureblood Slytherin who can't shut up his big mouth either.
But here Namjoon was, best friends with pain in the #1 and—
"Hey left testicle and right testicle, how was the Charms test? I heard Flitwick caught Taehyung trying—"
"When are you going to stop calling us that, you bloody asswipe." Namjoon cuts Yoongi off, shoving a piece of waffle into his mouth afterwards.
"When you actually grow some balls."
Namjoon doesn't understand why he has friends in the first place, and friends who can’t just shut up, at that. But between first year struggles and trying to fly but failing, he vaguely remembers befriending Hoseok in an act of kindness ("Do you need something?") he now regrets. As for Yoongi...Namjoon’s pretty sure the -retentive came with the price of liking Seokjin during his first year but well, that was another story for another time. It’s not like he doesn’t like his friends—Namjoon loves them, believe it or not—but really, he can do without the headache.
And the second-hand embarrassment.
And the insults about how he was the “god of destruction” (so what? He flew his broom into the castle’s window once, it wasn’t even that big of a deal).
Hoseok bursts into a fit of laughter besides him, clearly not at all phased at being called half a . His face is contorted into an ugly mess, as per usual. They’re seated around the low, wooden table in Ravenclaw’s common room, and hold up. Yoongi and Hoseok aren't even in the same house as him, why are—
"Why are you two even here? This is the Ravenclaw common room. Emphasizing on: Ravenclaw. Do I have to spell it out for you? R-a-v-e-n-c-l-a-w. Actually, wait—how did you guys even get through the riddle?”
Yoongi shrugs from across the table, face pulled into a nonchalant expression, "Jungkook might have helped."
"But he isn't even a Ravenclaw!"
"And? Jungkook knows everything."
Namjoon stares at Yoongi in a deadpan manner, lips quirking into a small frown.
"Okay, alright big baby, Jungkook knows almost everything." Yoongi corrects himself, rolling his eyes at Namjoon's bad attempt at a 'kicked-puppy' look, "Jeez, Ravenclaws and their dumb pride when it comes to intelligence."
———————————————————
Kim Namjoon is a wizard for Merlin's sake (one of the best, if he'd admit). He lives a life of ups and downs, a world full of colors (and chocolate frogs). A day is never boring for someone like him. But perhaps we cannot all be perfect (unless you were Kim Seokjin), and Namjoon wasn't called the ‘god of destruction’ without reason. He isn’t banned from touching a broom or being in the premises of the quidditch field by Madam Hooch for no reason. He isn’t a frequent patient at Madam Pomfrey’s infirmary for no reason. And Namjoon sure as hell isn’t hated by the prettiest girl in their fifth year, Jung Soojung, without any reason.
The reality was this: Namjoon was (and still is) banned from touching a broom because of the near death accidents he’s had with them in the past. He has his own, reserved bed at the very end of the infirmary—all of the nurses know him. And he’s hated by Soojung because he accidentally turned her hair red during a Potions lab back in his second year (though now that he thinks of it, Soojung should be thankful. Her hair color became the biggest trend in their school.)
Such accidents would’ve been long forgotten, if only Namjoon didn’t have the friends he currently has. Ones who will never let him live all of his accidents down until he dies (but even then, Namjoon’s pretty sure Jimin and Taehyung will find ways to bring them up during his funeral ceremony).
“I thought we were never going to talk about this again.”
“But it’s funny.” Yoongi half-asses in his attempt to give a reason, “I can’t believe you flew your into the girl’s bathroom. Out of all places. Man, Jimin was right. You are a ert.”
“This happened in our first year, let the past set aflame and die," he replies weakly, “Plus, it was an accident! A total ac—”
“But flying a broom is like…what do you muggles call them, riding a bike? Yeah, riding a bike. Everyone can do it.”
“Actually,” Namjoon snaps, pushing his hair out of his eyes, tugging on his tie (that he knows the Ravenclaw prefects will hound him for) in annoyance, “some people can’t ride bikes. So your reasoning is invalid and you .”
“Well technically, only Seokjin’s though.” Hoseok mumbles, hoping no one heard him, but nothing goes past Yoongi’s bat-like hearing.
Choking on his water, Yoongi’s ears turn a bright shade of red before he begins to sputter, “Excuse me? What did you say you crap-packer? Do you want to die?! I’ll ing hex you into the next millennium.”
“What is a crap packer?” A Ravenclaw student next to Namjoon whispers, flinching as Yoongi grabs onto Hoseok’s neck from across the table, keeping him in a tight headlock, fist digging into the top of Hoseok’s head.
As Namjoon dodges Yoongi's swinging arm, he contemplates why the two aren't at the respective house tables, but instead, at the Ravenclaw table.
author's note: 100% of the time, we actually have no idea what we're writing. but please enjoy! (can you guys feel my favoritism towards kim seokjin yet)
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