warnings: panic attacks

sanghyuk isn’t a secretive person, really. he just simply lets people in and out of his life easily, and tries not to let them affect his feelings. but then there are also things that he'd rather keep to himself, locked away in a closet somewhere deep inside his heart; so that no one will ever have to see it.

sanghyuk has insecurities. sanghyuk has panic attacks. sanghyuk is afraid. but he smiles to conceal all of that. maybe if he laughs hard enough, people will actually think that the tears that falls down his cheeks are because he’s too cheerful for his own good and laughs at almost everything.

hongbin is a very secretive person. he doesn’t easily lets people into his life, but when he does, they tend to have a hard time finding their way out. but mostly, they eventually do, and hongbin is left on the cold ground every single time, heart felt like its too numb to feel any pain anymore.

hongbin is a smart person. hongbin majors in psychology back in high school so he knows the basic. hongbin looks a little too much into people he genuinely cares for. hongbin sees through sanghyuk.

like that one time when sanghyuk had a panic attack and almost fainted backstage. 

there were so many people, so less oxygen and his brain was just a mess. his throat tightens and he tries to swallow down the lump, but it doesn’t work. he looks around, the flashing lights seemed too bright and people cheering suddenly became too loud. he tried to focus on his breathing, on his heartbeat, but everything was moving too fast. 

he looked around frantically, trying to find something, or someone, maybe, he doesn’t know. his eyes settled on hongbin, looking at him with worried eyes. 

, he looked away, hongbin knows. 

“sanghyuk, come with me.” hongbin rushes to his side before one of the make up artist can grab the younger boy to smatter more concealer and lip product on him for their next stage.

“h-hyung…?” he internally cursed at how shaky his voice sounded. he hates this, he hates how hongbin knew all along. hongbin always knows.

“can you do hakyeon-hyung’s first, we’ll be back in a while.” hongbin orders the make up artist, rather than asks. he feels kinds bad for raising his voice a little, but its not his fault that he is extremely worried about the younger boy next to him who was clutching on to his sleeve like his life depends on it, now, is it?

sanghyuk’s breathing quickens and sweat trickles down the back of his neck. hongbin curses as he realises that there wasn’t much time left till their next stage. 

vixx, on stage by ten minutes!

he pulled sanghyuk by the wrist into the nearest empty room and shut the door behind him. 

the room was pitch dark, the only light source being the street lamps beneath and the moonlight above. the sounds outside were still audible, but it was far more softer and not as taunting. sanghyuk’s uneven ragged breaths were all hongbin can hear. he holds the younger by his shoulders as he see tears started welling in his eyes. 

“hey, hyuk-ah, look at me,” hongbin softly pled, but sanghyuk’s eyes were darting around the room, his whole body was shaking and streaks of tears fell down his cheeks; he couldn’t breathe. “slowly, come on. in, out, in-” he encourages, holding one of his hand out to grab sanghyuk’s and placed it over his chest. “match your heartbeats with mine. i'm here, you’ll be fine, sanghyuk.” 

the younger closed his eyes, he let his breathing match with the rise and fall of hongbin’s chest. he feels slightly better, at least his throat doesn’t clog up and he can finally breathe normally again. 

when he finally calmed down, tensed muscles relaxing and breathing evened out, sanghyuk rested his head on hongbin’s chest with his eyes closed. he's exhausted. 

“since when did this start happening?” hongbin asks, breaking the silent. sanghyuk tries prying himself off the older, but hongbin holds him still and he knows that he’s not strong enough to fight against the warmth of hongbin’s embrace. so he stays there.

“i don’t know,” he whispers, snuggling deeper into the crook of hongbin’s neck. “the first time was during mydol days.” 

hongbin pats his hair softly, just how he secretly knows sanghyuk loves.

more silence. he tries not to make sanghyuk think too much about it, but sanghyuk always thinks, and it bothers hongbin a lot.

“can we not talk about this ever again?” sanghyuk asks. hongbin hates the fear in his voice. he hates how sanghyuk tries to hide all of these from the members. he hates how sanghyuk think he's strong enough to handle these. he hates how sanghyuk think himself as a burden to the others. but how is he going to tell him that? sanghyuk doesn't listen- he never listens. its all going to end up with thicker invisible walls between them and fake smiled, and hongbin doesn't want that. so all hongbin can do right now is watch closely on the sidelines, silently looking for him and taking awareness of every movement of the younger.

he swallows the lump in his throat thickly.

“okay.” 

vixx! on stage in three minutes! 

“i’m sorry,” he croaks, voice broken and wavering. 

hongbin’s heart tugs in his chest painfully as he wraps his free hand around the younger and soothingly draw patterns on the back of his sweat soaked shirt. “there’s nothing to be sorry about, sanghyuk.” he says, “i’m always here for you, okay? just know that.” 

sanghyuk nods softly as he holds back a sniffle. “thanks, hyung.” 

lee hongbin! han sanghyuk!!! where are you guys!

“it’s nothing,” hongbin smiles weakly. “are you feeling okay now? can you still go on stage?” 

“yeah, i guess.” sanghyuk returns the smile and hongbin looks down on the floor a little dejectedly. there it is again, the wall sanghyuk puts up.

“let’s go, hakyeon-hyung sounds threatening.” hongbin opened the door. it was less noisy, and less chaotic like before, but he held onto sanghyuk’s hand and squeezing it slightly. “we’re coming!!!!” he yells out, ready to face a fuming hakyeon. 

“where were you guys? i was worried sick.” hakyeon huffed, reaching over to hit their head ever so lightly.

“toilet.” hongbin laughs sheepishly, scratching the back of his head. 

“go get ready, we’re up after this song.” he pats their backs, and realised something off. “hyukkie, you okay?” 

hongbin feels him tense up under his touch. “i’m fine.” sanghyuk says.

hakyeon nods, looking unconvinced but he doesn’t push it. his eyes lingered on sanghyuk’s retreating back for a little before making a mental note to talk about it with taekwoon after tonight’s show.

TACENDA

--(n.) things better left unsaid;

matters to be passed over in silence