Sehun sits at the corner of his cell, staring at the shadow on the ground created by the moonlight. Because he was never placed with a fellow inmate, he was isolated from the dorm full of gangsters and older men that does misdemeanor as casualty.

This wasn't the kind of life he wanted. He himself was unsure of what he expected out of life. What more can this world throw on him? He can't afford the bail he was put on, so he had to spend a night in jail for it. Was it a crime to be poor? It is, if you live here. "Food!" The guard storms in and threw food tray in his cell. The bun rolled off to the dirt ground. He hadn't eaten for days now. He lived on waters straight from the pipe, and food from break-ins. Since he hasn't been doing any break in recently, his stomach is protesting. He picks the bun from the ground, gave it a couple of blow, and slowly devours them. He laid the back of his head on the walls looking up to the small openings where the moon's were, and started imagining.

What if things were different?

What if he had family? What if he isn't him? What if he's like the guy in suits early on? How different could life be?

#####

Road back home was long and boring. It was long, because it was boring. Few minutes after leaving the police station, Joonmyeon turns off the radio in his car. For some reason, the songs, heck, the DJ's are bothering him and his thinking. He grips tighter on the wheels, asking me, "…Are you mad at me?" I blinked at the question. What was he thinking. He wanted the boy to be punished, that's what he been thinking. "Why on earth would I be mad at you." I sarcastically replied. The officer handed me back my purse, and I realized that I didn’t lose anything from the theft. The boy just took it and hand it back. It's like he's looking for something, and when it isn't there, he returns them.

Joonmyeon gave the boy a bail he couldn't afford, and he had to stay overnight. That's why I was  so furious. I told him many times that he's an orphan. And his arguments were,

"I know kids like him. They are fearless. If we don't contain them now, they will go out there and do the same to other people. I'm not shunning him because he's poor, we're punishing him because he's wrong, and he needs to be told that he's wrong. And it's only one night in jail. I bet it wasn't his first." When we arrived to my apartment, I slammed his car door shut. "Unlike you, I don't do bets on people's life! He was just a child!" I didn't wait for him to get out of the car, and dashed to where the elevators were. I could sense that he was watching me, timidly. He locked the car doors, and followed me. I got onto the elevators, and instead of holding the doors open for him, we locked eyes and I shut the doors. And he didn't fight to be in the same elevator. He understood that I needed space.

I slammed my main door shut and it clicked. I yanked my coat off and the television, with its volume at its highest. Disregarding the neighbors. I grunt loudly in protest of what he just did. I slip my engagement ring off and threw it across the living room before heading to the sofa and plopping myself on it. I took the cushion beside me, covered my face and yelled.

Joonmyeon sighs when he got in front of her apartment. With the sound of the television blaring, he knows he's about to enter a warzone. Clicking the combinations on the door, he does it calmly, and entered. He took off his suit and left his white inner on. He lay them folded neatly by the bar stools, next to the kitchen counter. He took the remote and lowered the volume. He sits at the other end of the sofa, his eyes plastered on the television screens, though his thought wanders. He interlaced his fingers together, and biting his lips. How should he put it in words? He didn't expect her to understand. She was emotionally distraught and is obviously tired from everything. He stood up after a few minutes, heading to her baths. Rolling his sleeves up, he filled up the tub with warm water. Dipping his hand into the tub, to ensure that the temperature was just right for her. Then, he dashes to the queen sized bed, and get them ready to be slept in.

His phone vibrates. Joonmyeon ignored calls from Kyungsoo. But he texted a reply, that he will call him back, once he's done with 'things'.

Collecting his suit, and fold them neat on his arm, he took his car key from the kitchen counters. "…Do you want to know why I want to marry you?" No answers from her side. She set the cushion to the side, and looking away from him. "…Maybe I'll tell you when you want to know why." He leaves for the door. She walks to the door, and watch him leave the hallway. He glances back, unbeknownst that she was staring back at him, with a pout. "I'd wish he stayed the night, though." She will never let the thought leaves her lips in forms of words. Especially not to him. But she couldn't fight her own need of protection, and her guardian just left the night, misunderstanding that he was not wanted.

#####

School girls are lighting up the morning, in their uniforms and shorter than short skirts. They are making their way up the hill where the all-girl's school was. Some even catcalled Sehun. Good looks sometimes be too much for him. The rays of the glorious sun made Sehun running to the shades. Some girls found the spot to illegally smoke, just minutes before the morning bell rings. He took his mask and covered his face with them, leaving only his eyes and nose out for the public. Then he puts on his hood, and walked away with both hands in his front pocket. Let's try surviving today.

#####

"When I decided to give birth that July 1st, I didn't expect to be giving birth to a girl who didn't like the idea of marriage. It makes me feel all the labor pain all over again, and how it was not worth it. If I had the power, I will put you back inside and have you aborted." Mother can be really mean sometimes. I guess, that's where I got all my sassiness. Every single time I stop by the house, we'll be talking about marriage. When it is, where it's going to be, how it's going to be. It wears me out. Just thinking about the workload makes me want to take off this ring around my finger. "…And here you are talking about how much you hated all the wedding ideas, but I don't see you taking off that thing around your finger." Mother lay out the plates while I serve the food. Puffs of hot steams from the freshly cooked rice filled the kitchen with a pleasant smell. "Maybe I will." I threaten her, blowing steams off the soup I just made. Mother slams her chopsticks on the table.

"I dare you."

There's nothing wrong with Joonmyeon. Absolutely nothing. I guess that's part of the problem. No, a bigger part was…me. If there's anything wrong with the engagement, it was me. I was mortified that I wasn't given an option. Other options. Now that I have a ring. Joonmyeon has been nothing but patience. Towards me and my ridiculous tantrums. Everyone around us, well, our families must have thought that we're sleeping with each other when the truth was, we don't even dare to hug. So my mother came up with this 'Wednesday Night Dinner'-idea, where every Wednesday of every week, we go out for dinner, like a date. Just me and Joonmyeon. It was supposed to build between us.

Well, it most certainly didn't.

I remember me being on the phone as per always, and him enjoying the acoustics, heck, any performance that was on-going that night. Then, we drink. Then he sends me home, and that's about it. "Take him home." Mother said. Or commanded. I rolled my eyes. "…Hell no."

Mother leans back and crossed her arm as she was seating. "Forget it," I shot at her, "…I am not going to give you the chance to drug him. And don't think I didn't notice what you're trying to do to his drink the last time he was here. You know all that herbal medicine is only giving him unwanted and painful ." Mother collected her bowl to the kitchen, but just before she left, she gave me one look, "…Then help soothe it." I poked the chicken fillet with the tip of my chopstick and gritted my teeth together when she turns her back to me. "…I am not talking to you about my private life."

"What’s happening to the world. How can a mother be like that. I'm not going to sell myself to him. Who does he think he is." I protested. Pieces of rice flying out of my mouth as I did. Mother shuts the tap and leaned her back on the kitchen's sink. "…You ungrateful daughter. Who else would you talk to about this? I'm the only one you've got! And you're not selling yourself to him, he's your fiancé! You could be talking about it to your friends, but guess what, you push them all out, and now you don't have any! And the few ones you do have, are having their second child by the end of this year! That's how ty your life is. Joonmyeon is the only good thing ever happening to your life, and until I breathe out my last puff of air, I'm going to make sure you realize that."

"Why do every time I visit here we would be screaming to each other…" I sighed.

"Because it started by your attitude. I hate July 1st. "

DESIDERIUM. : an ardent desire or longing; especially : a feeling of loss or grief for something lost.