word count: 2583 

summary: jongdae and minseok talks about what went wrong. 

This was it.

The end to a sixteen years relationship.

From friends to best friends, to lovers, to fiancés, to husbands, and now to divorcees.

It was a long journey with lots of good memories and happiness, but there were also a lot of fights and tears and frustration.

That was the hardship a couple that started out in high school, a place where most relationships just don’t last. High schoolers, by nature, are impulsive and reckless. Diving head first into a situation without thinking too far ahead about the consequences of their actions.

That was them a long time ago.

High school sweethearts, Kim Minseok and Kim Jongdae.

Compared to other couples, no one really betted on them going far in life. A high school fling was all it was, they had said. It was safe to say that everyone was shocked to receive their wedding invitation, just a few years after high school ended.

Their relationship withstood the tough times in university and even the early days in the workforce.

They dated, they got engaged, married and adopted three kids – two girls and a boy.

They had a picture perfect life.

Emphasis on the past tense.

“The divorce papers are finalized.”

The apartment felt empty.

Maybe it was because the kids had gone to Baekhyun’s for the night, or maybe it was because it was the last night they would be living under the same roof, but the apartment sure felt empty.

Kim Jongdae looked beautiful as he always did. His dark brown curls and his feline smile were the same as when they were in high school.

It was during the last days of the year and winter was still cold when they sat opposite of each other in the living room they shared for over a decade.

The room was dim and they were sipping coffee from chipped mugs with their thick sweaters the only thing that kept them from freezing.

Only a year ago, the situation was different.

They would be cuddled up in the loveseat, a blanket thrown over them as they watch cheesy dramas on reruns.

Minseok would like to think that they’re parting on good terms.

It wasn’t working out.

Their marriage, while filled to the brim with love at one point, had slowly turned into something tedious, and now they’re just two men kissing each other hellos and goodbyes for the sake of their children.

It was true what people had said; high school lovers don’t work out. They made their decision too soon, without seeing what the world could offer and took the plunge of commitment.

It wasn’t their fault, though.

They were both lovesick teenagers, head over heels for one another. At the time, they thought that no one could offer anything more. They were content.

“It’s going to be weird,” said Jongdae softly, holding his mug with both hands, trying to absorb as much warmth as he could.

Minseok gave him a questioning look.

“We’ve been together for sixteen years. It’s going to be weird waking up and not seeing your face first.”

“You’ll be okay. You had practice.”

When Jongdae flinched, Minseok immediately felt bad for saying it.

Internally, Minseok cursed himself. He promised himself that he wouldn’t be like this.

“I mean,” he said, correcting himself. “It’s only natural for you to feel that way. Sixteen years don’t just disappear, but you’ll find yourself getting used to it in due time.”

“You won’t live here with us anymore,” Jongdae said somewhat sadly, biting his lower lip after he spoke.

“Of course not,” Minseok said, smiling softly. “We’re divorced, Jongdae. You have a boyfriend and I don’t think he’ll be alright with us living together, even if we’re divorced. I mean, would you?”

Again, Jongdae flinched.

Normally, when they argue, both sides would talk calmly.

They’re both adult enough to not shout and scream while their children were under the same roof. Though it was a calm argument, the words spoken weren’t very nice.

While they were calm and collected during the ordeal, the talk would usually end with one of them in tears or walking out the front door.

Eventually, Jongdae found comfort in someone other than his husband and that was the final straw for their relationship.

Each argument steadily got more heated and in the worst case scenario, only one person would enter the master bedroom and occupy the bed.

The reason why Jongdae was silent was because he felt guilty for the divorce. It wasn’t entirely his fault and it was going to happen anyways in due time, but he broke it.

Their trust for one another.

“I’m sorry,” Jongdae said quietly, just barely above a whisper. “I really am.”

“It’s in the past now,” said Minseok, calm as always. “I’ve long forgiven you for it. Joonmyeon is a nice man. I’m sure he’ll be good to you.”

They were both silent for a while.

Again, it was Jongdae who broke the silence. “Do you remember during your senior year, your uncle threw us out after finding us in your room?”

Minseok chuckled, nodding slightly.

He remembered it.

Hormonal teenagers after a night of partying, drunkenly making their way up to the upstairs room, trying to be as quiet as they can. In reality, they were probably as loud as elephants, knocking into walls and giggling like little girls.

Without even locking the room, they plopped on the bed, hands never leaving each other.

They must have made quite a racket, because not long after, his uncle barged in and nearly had a heart attack at the sight of two teenage boys making out, half on the single bed.

“He caught us because you couldn’t control your laughter,” Minseok said.

“You were the one who slammed your front door!” Jongdae retorted, sniggering. “And that was how your family found out you were gay and in a relationship with the scene kid.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” the older man said. “We did worse in those days.”

“You mean the janitor finding us mid- in a broom closet?” Jongdae laughed, taking a sip from his mug. “The news spread so fast through the school, I was mortified.”

“It was your idea in the first place,” said Minseok, shaking his head. “You lost our bet and didn’t e in like, three days?”

“Five days,” Jongdae corrected him, rolling his head. “You try not releasing yourself in five days and I bet you’ll find yourself having in the weirdest places too.”

“What’s with old men finding us when we’re trying to go at it?”

“You know when I nearly got disowned?” Jongdae asked. “When our nudes got spread in uni. My brother was this close to telling my parents about it.”

“How they got spread, I still don’t know.”

“It was definitely at that party. The wildest party of the semester.”

“Someone spiked our drinks.”

“Someone did. We didn’t find out who, but good thing we were both hitting the gym at the time, because damn, we looked great.”

They both laughed and the surroundings grew quiet once again.

“What went wrong?”

It wasn’t the first time this question was asked.

Countless times, they’ve asked this to each other and to themselves.

“You can answer honestly this time,” said Minseok. “The kids aren’t eavesdropping. No one but me here.”

Again, nothing but silence.

“We’re too different?” Jongdae said unsurely. “Our priorities in life are different. I’m a composer and I work because I love music. You’re an office worker climbing ranks because you like money.”

“So because I’m materialistic?”

“We grew apart because this family, me specifically, is a burden on your career. I know you love us, but we live in South Korea. We couldn’t even get married here!” Jongdae said. “Your workplace isn’t the most accepting place. They can’t kick you out because you’re like, amazing, but you keep getting passed for promotions because you have a family with me.”

“That’s not—”

“I may not be smart, but even I know about this. You don’t tell me about it. You don’t have to. I hear it from Luhan and Yifan and your other friends. Do you know how horrible I felt knowing that I’m holding back the person I love from achieving his full potential?”

“But that’s my career. It has nothing to do with you. What I go through there has nothing to do with my personal life. You’re not at fault if the higher ups at my company are homophobic. You’re not responsible for what happens there.”

Jongdae gave him a small smile, “Since the news of our soon divorce surfaced in your office, how many meals have the higher ups invited you to? How many offers were handed to you?”

“That’s not the point,” said Minseok, frowning slightly. “If it’s a choice between you and my career, it wouldn’t be a choice at all.”

“You wouldn’t be happy. You’re money driven and we’re a burden, whether you like it or not. I would feel guilty for holding you back.”

“It isn’t your place to say if you’re holding me back or not.”

“And your family hasn’t approved me. It’s been sixteen years and every time we go back for a family dinner, they’d give me and the kids those disgusted looks,” Jongdae said. “You sister never looks me in the eye and the only time they address me is when they have a gay joke to make. I can’t deal with that.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I’m sorry I can’t give you the life you wanted,” said Minseok. “I’m sorry you feel like a burden on my career. I’m sorry my family treats you and our kids like second rate humans. I’m very, very sorry.”

“Now you’re making me feel guilty.”

“That’s not my intention,” he said softly. “I hope Joonmyeon can give you that life. He’s his own boss. You don’t have to feel like a burden because he’s already at the top. I hope his family treats you like a king and love our kids to death. I hope you’ll be happy with him, more than you were with me. I hope your life turns around and you find what you were looking for all this time.”

“This is another problem,” said Jongdae, seemingly upset. “When you talk to me, I feel like I’m a client you’re trying to close a deal with, not your husband of a decade. Am I emotional because I’m a musician, or do you just lack feelings? You don’t get angry. You don’t express yourself. Do you know how distant you seem when you do that? We were a married couple – husbands. And all I get is a few half-hearted attempts of telling me to calm down and that you’re doing your best? Baekhyun can do better when we fight and he has his own husband.”

“So in the end, it was everything,” said Minseok. “We didn’t work out because of everything. My career, my family and me.”

“Don’t put it that way.”

“We had a good run. I know you’re starting a new life with Joonmyeon and that we’re more than over, but I really loved you, love you and will probably love you in the future too. Yes, we didn’t work out, but that doesn’t mean we weren’t good together.”

“Minseok…”

“I don’t want us to leave this relationship bitterly. You made me happy for the longest time. I never felt happier in my life and it’s all thanks to you. So thank you. I want to leave on a happy note. I might never have another relationship ever again.”

“You should find someone else…”

“I don’t think my heart can take that kind of vulnerability, you know? It’s fine. I’m content with what I have. The kids are more than enough for me.”

The realization that they were going their separate ways was slowly sinking in.

Neither of them were quick to tear up, really. It takes a lot for them to cry and even then, the tears would be sparse.

Their fights were one of the few things that can get them to cry, but other than that, nothing could really affect them.

“I really loved you too,” said Jongdae, sniffling. “I don’t want to separate on bad terms too. You’re a great guy, Minseok. You’ll meet someone better, I promise.”

Minseok noticed the past tense and tried not to cry on the spot. It would be very out of character of him and that would probably worry Jongdae.

That night, they slept together in their bed for the very last time.

It was very innocent.

Sometime in the night, Minseok managed to pull Jongdae into his arms, not knowing that the younger man was wide awake.

Sixteen years of memories kept him awake that night, just like it did every now and then.

It would be a lie to say that Jongdae felt nothing towards his ex-husband, but admitting that point blank would do no good.

So he didn’t say it.

They spent their whole youth and early adulthood together. They knew each other like the back of their hands.

He didn’t have to search deeper.

Just looking into Minseok’s eyes made him understand what the older man was feeling. While he was quiet and rarely shared his feelings, Minseok had the most honest eyes out of everybody he knew.

He didn’t want to add more to his confusion and sadness.

Jongdae woke up the next morning and the bed felt empty.

Without opening his eyes, he knew that Minseok was gone. Physically out of the house and metaphorically out of his life.

Like a one night stand, he left early to avoid confrontation.

No goodbye. No note. No nothing.

His phone vibrated and he picked up the call coming in, the voice greeting him sounding very familiar.

“Hey,” Jongdae said, voice hoarse from sleep.

“Are you okay?” Joonmyeon asked from the other side of the line. “You sound like you’ve been crying.”

“No, I just woke up. Didn’t drink water yet.”

“Oh,” said Joonmyeon. “You should drink a lot. Take care of your voice. It’s your important asset, remember?”

“Yeah…”

“Did you forget about our breakfast date? I’ll be there in an hour,” he said, reminding Jongdae. “Or do you not feel up to it? Do you want to reschedule?”

Jongdae bit his lip and pulled away from the phone, taking a deep breath before saying, “It’s fine. I remembered. I’ll wait downstairs in an hour. Don’t be late, okay?”

“Okay. There’s another call coming in. I’ll talk to you later. Love you.”

The call got cut off there, without him being able to respond.

Jongdae laid in bed for the next ten minutes, mind blank and his heart feeling heavy.

Waking up without Minseok by his side will take some time to get used to. He’ll miss the warmth and it’ll feel weird, but he’ll get over it.

There was no denying that he and Minseok still loved one another. While they tried no to show it, it was clear in their eyes.

But love wasn’t enough to overcome this.

Despite people saying that love conquered all, there was no way love could keep them going.

They loved each other, but they just weren’t compatible.

In the end, they went their own ways anyways.

Love wasn’t that grand.

The fairy tales lied.

They loved each other very much, but where was their happy ending?

- 

so i was listening to all i ask by adele and had this in my head. thanks to dattebane for giving me motivation to write some xiuchen again. 

this is a first draft work and is unbeta'd so if I slipped up somewhere, I hope I'll catch it when I reread this.