words: 4429

summary: what are the chances of seeing the ex you're not over at the train station?

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Things had been quite normal since their breakup. It’s been months and Jongdae had slipped back into his old routine, or so he thought.

After the breakup, he developed a habit of sitting at the train station longer than he should after returning from college. He’d stay until it was the last train and he had to get going. He would study at the bench on the platform and watch the people get on and off the trains that pass through the station, getting on with their busy lives.

It was his final year in college and he had exams he needed to prepare for but he was always distracted. Not enough to throw him off his life path but enough to make him feel slightly winded at times.

It was a Thursday when it happened. He had come back late the night before and he stayed up longer to finish typing up his assignment for his lecturer. He had started at the station but it was a long assignment with a lot of research and references that he had to search for and it took him longer than he calculated it would, resulting in him only getting two and a half hours of sleep before his alarm mercilessly went off, ordering him to get ready for another long day. He took a swift shower and brewed some coffee, checking the files in his laptop and the books and papers in his bag before setting out.

Thursdays were the bane of his whole existence. His lectures filled up his entire morning and he worked from two till eight at the café his friend owned.

By the time he arrived at the train station, he was ready to pass out, screw the people around him. He nearly collapsed on his usual bench and he earned several weird looks but he shook them off. He was too tired to care and if he was honest with himself, he wouldn’t care, even if he wasn’t tired.

As he read through his reference book titled Stable Base, he felt his eyes open and close several times. He couldn’t even process the sentence he was reading when he finally closed his eyes.

It wasn’t unusual for someone to sleep at the station. It happens. Everyone who passed through that station knew how tough it was to earn a living, they knew how exhausting it was so no one batted an eyelash when he slept.

When he woke up several hours later, he was well rested. And stranded.

The last train had gone an hour ago and he slept right through it. His apartment, which was in the next town, was too far to walk to and therefore, he was stranded.

He slammed his book shut and groaned, eyes closing in frustration as he thought of what he could do.

There was no way he could ask Baekhyun to pick him up at this ungodly hour, not when he knew that Baekhyun was spending the night with his long distance boyfriend, Chanyeol, who had arrived the day before and would be leaving tomorrow. Jongdae wasn’t that big a to their lovely date. He also couldn’t ask Joonmyeon to help him either since the older man was out of town on a business trip and would be returning either today or the day after but even if he already returned, there was no way Jongdae could bother him this late at night especially after a long tedious business trip.

Actually, he didn’t have the heart to ask anybody to pick him up at this hour. It was one in the morning and most of his close friends would either be with their partners or currently dying over the homework that would be due the day after. There was no way he could ask any of them to help him at that moment. Everyone would be either too busy or too tired and he didn’t want to burden them even more than he already does.

It was then that he thought of his ex, Kim Minseok. If they were still together, he wouldn’t have to worry about these things. Minseok lived in the city and Jongdae used to stay in his apartment during the weekdays as it was closer to the city and in the weekends, they would stay at his home. Minseok worked in his town. He was promoted there but he had no money to rent a place there after buying the house in the city.

Jongdae met Minseok on this very platform on one particularly busy day. Like in the movies, they brushed into each other and Jongdae’s book fell out of his grip and Minseok, being the gentleman he is, picked it up before Jongdae could even bend over. Maybe it was on impulse or maybe he felt sorry for bumping shoulders, Minseok invited him out to a drink. Only twenty, Jongdae accepted the offer with a grateful smile and after exchanging phone numbers, they started contacting each other.

Baekhyun had told him that he was stupid for going with a stranger he only just met. What if he was a psychopath, murdering cute young men he meets on the platform after having a drink with them? Jongdae laughed it off but Baekhyun was relentless and nagged him about this for weeks.

It turns out that Minseok wasn’t a psychopath who killed his date after going out for a drink. He was a graphic designer who got ered into accepting a job at the neighbouring town. A simple twenty four years old man.

“Seokkie,” he muttered, the name sounding foreign on his tongue but it felt good to say the name after six months.

“Yes?”

Jongdae jumped, nearly dropping his thick leather bound book as his eyes popped open and a high pitched what the resounded through the dark station. He wished his ears had deceived him but he knew that wasn’t it.

On his left was Kim Minseok, the top buttons on his shirt was open, tie loose around his neck and jacket on his lap. His chubby cheeks and single eye lids was still the same and he even had his usual tired smile on. Jongdae’s face must have shown his obvious surprise because Minseok laughed, hand reaching up to pat the side of his face.

“Hello, Jongdae,” he said, pulling back his hand. Jongdae could still feel his touch. “I saw you when I got off the train earlier. You were sleeping and you know, I was worried. You’re a heavy sleeper and you can’t wake yourself up for . I was worried you wouldn’t wake up in time for your train.”

“If you were awake, why didn’t you wake me up for the train?” Jongdae shot at him in a defensive tone.

To this, Minseok smiled guiltily. “I fell asleep while I was waiting for your train.”

“Oh,” said Jongdae softly. He then noticed the dark circles under Minseok’s eyes and he wondered how tired the older man really was. “You didn’t have to stay, you know.”

“But I did. It isn’t safe for you to stay out here alone. I couldn’t leave you out here.”

For the first time in months, the insides of Jongdae’s stomach felt uneasy. It was a foreign feeling he hadn’t feel in such a long time.

“Let’s go back to my place,” said Minseok, standing up from the bench onto bouncing feet. He rolled his neck on his shoulders and shook his muscles. “Or would you rather stay here all night?”

Jongdae was honestly tempted to stay at the station.

“You don’t have any lectures in the morning tomorrow so it’s fine.”

Another uneasy feeling in his stomach, “You remember?”

“Of course I do,” Minseok smiled brightly. “Come on. It’s getting late. We should get going before the creeps catch up to us.”

It took him a full minute to decide what to do. One minute of Minseok awkwardly standing there waiting for him to stand and one minute of internal battle on what he should do.

But in the end, he shoved the book in his messenger bag and stood up, yawning. “Sure.”

“You’re less talkative than I remember,” said Minseok.

There were on the sidewalk beside the still busy roads when he said this. Though the traffic was quite noisy, Jongdae still heard him. His ears were so tuned to picking up Minseok’s voice since the taciturn older man didn’t like to talk much and when he did, it was near inaudible. Jongdae could pick out Minseok’s voice through whatever noise.

“What am I supposed to say to my ex-boyfriend who dumped me?” Jongdae asked and he didn’t want to sound bitter, truly he didn’t, but it just slipped out.

In the dim lighting of the street lights, he could see Minseok flinch at his words and he immediately felt sorry. At the same time, he hated the fact that he still felt about hurting Minseok when the other man had hurt him badly months ago. He hated that he still couldn’t enjoy seeing Minseok being uncomfortable.

“I don’t know,” admitted Minseok quietly. “How you’ve been? After, you know, the breakup.”

“I’m not sure how I’ve been,” said Jongdae honestly. “I would’ve said I was doing fine but you always know when I’m lying so I didn’t see the point. You?”

“I’ve been drowning in work,” Minseok said. “It’s been busy lately with the new interns coming in and all.”

“Life must be interesting then.”

“Honestly, my life lost a lot of colour after we broke up.”

That was it. Jongdae stopped walking, staring at the back of Minseok’s head as he kept on walking. Only after several more steps did he realize that his ex wasn’t walking with him anymore. He turned around and for the first time that night, he looked into Jongdae’s eyes.

He knew it was a mistake the minute he caught the other’s eyes. Eyes are the window to the soul – it was true in this situation. Jongdae’s eyes always revealed too much. Right now it was showing the confusion and bitterness he was feeling and Minseok had to look away at once.

“That’s such an unfair thing to say right now, hyung,” Jongdae said, his voice rising a pitch higher than usual and a stiff smile on his face. “You can’t say things like that to me.”

“Why not?”

“It’ll only get my hopes up and I know that’s the last thing you want and I know that’s the last thing I need. So just stop, okay?”

Minseok walked to the edge of the sidewalk and leaned on the railing separating the road and the sidewalk and gestured for Jongdae to join him but the younger man refused to move.

“What?” he bit out.

“Come here. I think we have to talk.”

“I thought we did,” Jongdae said, his eyes showing his hurt. “Months ago.”

“I thought we ended on good terms.”

“We did. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be talking right now and you probably wouldn’t have any balls nor would you be able to talk to my friends,” the smile on Jongdae’s face only got tighter by the second. “But we did.”

“Do you hate me now?”

It was obvious to Jongdae that Minseok was anticipating the answer. He shook his head, letting out a small sigh. “You’re not my favourite person right now but I can’t hate you.”

“That’s nice to hear,” said Minseok, smiling brightly. “Why did you break up with me then?”

“You broke up with me, remember?”

“There’s no one around to hear,” Minseok said. “You asked me to break up with you first.”

“Which you refused,” Jongdae said, feeling his anger flare up. “You broke up with me three weeks after that.”

“You weren’t happy with me!” Minseok raised his voice, his eyes showing the hurt he was feeling. “How the was I supposed to make you stay when you weren’t even happy with me?”

“I was happy,” Jongdae shot back at him. “I really was. But he kept popping up and I saw the way you two look at each other. I didn’t want to be a third wheel.”

“Who are you talking about?”

“Who else do you think I’m talking about?”

When it hit him who it was, his face fell and he lost the smile he had earlier. “Luhan?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yes, Luhan,” said Jongdae. “Your ex of five long years. You broke up with him but you guys are still friends. I didn’t mind that, honest. But five years is such a long time. You had a lot of firsts with him. Your feelings obviously didn’t just suddenly go away. Luhan is a sweet guy, Minseok. Smart, successful and good looking. He’s perfect. I like him and I thought it was cool you guys were still friends but I saw the way he looked at you and I saw the way you look at him. I’m not blind nor am I a fool. I felt it, Minseok.”

“I told you this before. Luhan and I are over. We didn’t see each other like that. It was a mutual breakup.”

“Do you have any idea how it felt to be an outsider in your own relationship?” Jongdae laughed bitterly, walking over beside Minseok. “I felt awful. Luhan still liked you. It was obvious to me. And the pressure of competing against someone so perfect was too much for me.”

“When we were in that relationship, I only looked at you,” said Minseok softly, looking up at the sky blocked with skyscrapers and tall buildings. “I really did like you.”

“But you left me. You didn’t fight for me. You said okay and you went your way.”

“Because you wanted to leave me. Why should I fight for someone who doesn’t want to be fought for?”

“Fine. Leave it. I didn’t want to be fought for. I dug this grave myself and I have no one to blame it on but myself. But that’s a thing of the past now.”

“So you’re over me now?”

“Yes.”

Jongdae answered in his surest voice and tried to make it sound convincing. Minseok heard the lie though. He always did.

“So why do you stay at the train station late every day?” Minseok question, looking at the younger man beside him.

Before they broke up, Jongdae would sometimes wait for Minseok at the station so they could walk back together. During the walk, Jongdae would talk about his day and Minseok would tell him about his. It was a perfect walk back plus the extra stolen kisses in the middle of their conversation.

His habit of staying late at the station started two weeks after they were over. He remembered sitting down and reading a book and when the last train was being called, he remembered that he wasn’t waiting for anyone and he had to get home. It happened again the day after and then he just got used to it.

“I stayed out of habit,” said Jongdae.

“Out of habit of waiting for me.”

“Shut up.”

“Saying you’re over me when you still subconsciously wait for me every day. Isn’t that too big of a lie to tell? Especially to me?”

“Shut up.”

Minseok smiled and for the first time that night, it seemed to be a bitter one. “You left my life in a mess. You dumped me and even when you left, you were always around.”

“This is the first time I saw you since we broke up.”

“But I always see you,” said Minseok, tilting his head sideways to look at Jongdae. “Every single day when I get off on this platform, I see you sitting at that bench. How was I supposed to get over you if you’re always there?”

“You didn’t approach me,” Jongdae stated blankly.

“I didn’t want to,” Minseok said honestly. “Believe it or not, you left me heartbroken. I didn’t want to see you much less talk to you.”

Jongdae laughed, “What are we doing now?”

“Talking things out like we should have done months ago,” said Minseok. “We broke up suddenly and we both decided to be immature about it and didn’t talk. I don’t know about you but my love life froze then.”

“So you want closure,” Jongdae concluded. “So you can move on with your life.”

The older man sighed, “I just want to make some sense of our breakup. I won’t say I thought about it every night but close enough. It bothered me. We were really compatible and suddenly, you wanted to break it off? Why? It can’t completely be because of Lu.”

Lu, Jongdae repeated in his head, in a tone five times harsher than Minseok used. He calmed himself, telling himself that Luhan didn’t deserve any of his spite. He clearly knew how charming Minseok was so he had no right to be angry at Luhan for not getting over Minseok.

Especially when he isn’t over the older man himself.

“It’s not entirely because of him,” said Jongdae honestly. “I think I just got tired.”

“Pardon?”

“I think I got tired,” repeated Jongdae, a sigh escaping his lips. “Don’t pretend we were perfectly okay. We fought a lot. We threatened to break up with each other a lot. We weren’t peachy.”

“Every relationship have its’ bumps,” Minseok said. “It would be weirder if we didn’t fight.”

“You’re four years older than me, Minseok,” said Jongdae softly. “I’m basically a baby next to you. When you were worrying over the lease on your house and whether or not you’d be able to make rent, I was standing there, all expenses paid by my parents. I know you didn’t say anything about it but I know you felt bitter. To an extent.”

“You’re a child,” Minseok argued. “Your parents are paying for your living. That’s fine. I wasn’t bitter. I had money problems at the time and I needed to put in extra hours and pull side jobs but I wasn’t bitter. I’m glad your parents were paying for you.”

To this, Jongdae smiled. A very annoyed and forced smile.

“And there it is.”

Minseok, a little confused, raised a brow. “Pardon?” he said for the second time that night.

“You always, always treated me like a child. You met me while I was twenty and I never aged in your eyes. Even when it was our first time, you were hesitant. You saw nothing but a child in me and I honestly hate it,” he said, pursing his lips for a bit as the memories spilled in his head and he had to keep his emotions in check. He took a deep breath. “Maybe that’s why I envied Luhan. You two are the same age. You saw him as an equal. It annoyed me so much. If I wanted to be treated like a kid, I would’ve went home and let my older brother smother me with love and have my mother spoon feed me rice and have my dad buy me toy cars. You weren’t supposed to be my brother, you were supposed to be my lover. My partner, damn it. Equals. I hate that we weren’t.”

Taken aback, Minseok let the younger calm down first. He knew better than to jump headfirst into an argument with Jongdae. He was looking for an explanation, not a confrontation.

“You never told me.”

“How was I supposed to tell you?” Jongdae demanded. “I really liked you. You treated me well. What was there to complain? This is the reason we broke up, Minseok. Little problems just keeps building up and it exploded and neither of us could fix it.”

“I remember one of our last fights,” said Minseok, closing his eyes as if to relive the moment. His lips twitched and it curved up in a lopsided smile. “You were so drunk. You just failed a test so you and Baekhyun, Sehun, Jongin and the rest of your friends went out. Got smashed and you took a taxi to my house. Baekhyun took you up. I put you on the couch and then we talked. There’s one thing I always disliked about you.”

“What is it?”

“You keep everything to yourself. You have a lot of love to pass around but you refuse to let anyone in. You didn’t trust anyone. Especially with your heart. You told me a lot of things that night. You were always a talkative drunk. I learned more things that night that I did in our whole relationship.”

“I didn’t want to push my problems on you. Big deal.”

“It is a big deal,” said Minseok, scratching his jaw and then he laughed, harsh and raw with emotion. “‘We are equals’, you said? You didn’t even grace me with the courtesy. I was a stranger you shared your bed with. You didn’t let me in. The relationship was mostly one sided.”

“No it wasn’t,” denied Jongdae, eyes widening as he listened to the older man speak. “I really did like you. It wasn’t one sided—”

“You know everything about me and I know little to nothing about you. Hell, I only found out two minutes ago that you had an older brother. You keep everything to yourself. You let me keep a piece of you but that’s all on the surface. You were always guarded and you didn’t let anyone near your heart. Sure, I might’ve touched it once or twice but after that you would put up a wall twice as thick and tall. I thought that it would pass, you’d learn to open up. It didn’t happen.”

Jongdae didn’t answer. He didn’t reply, not immediately. Instead, he thought back and trued to remember those moments he spent with Minseok. The intimate moments when he felt at his most vulnerable and he came up with nothing.

Minseok was right. He had revealed nothing about himself. Just an outer profile that any observer could’ve gotten whereas the older man had told him a lot about his past. His upbringing and his stories of adventures he went on with his friends. He could tell Minseok’s life story up to their breakup without even forgetting any details. Because Minseok was always the one to share his stories during their late night talks or post conversations.

He never told Minseok anything relatively personal about him.

“So this is the bottom line,” Jongdae said thoughtfully. “Miscommunication. Lack of understanding. I can see why we broke up.”

“And you doubted me.”

“What?” Jongdae said dumbly.

Minseok bit his lower lip before it to moisten it. “The argument that night. We fought because when you were talking, you said you weren’t even sure that I really liked you or not? You asked me if the only reason I asked you out was to fulfil my weird fantasy of ing a college student. You asked whether or not I was just another burden. Asked if I only dated you to be prepared when I have my own children to look after. It was going to get ugly but I decided to not argue. You were drunk and we yelled enough. Not like you’d remember half of what happened.”

“See? A lot of small problems turned big by the lack of communication we had.”

Minseok turned to look at him and he smiled and it looked like he had something he wanted to say but instead he sighed and pushed himself off the railing. He walked off, effectively ending the conversation and Jongdae too sighed, slowly following after him.

The next morning, Jongdae woke up to an empty bed. It felt familiar and he groaned when he realized it was Minseok’s. He was fully clothed, thank god, but the bed was empty.

He sat up, taking in the view of the room.

Nothing had changed. The bed was still comfortable, the side table was full of electronics and the walls was still painted a pretty baby blue.

He reached for his phone and saw the LED light blinking, notifying that a message had been received.

To: Jongdae
From: Minseok 3

I had to get to work. Thanks for last night. Hope to see you around.
P.S., this won’t mean much to you after yesterday but just for the record, I really did love you.

Jongdae wasn’t stupid. He never deluded himself to believe that they were perfect.

And after yesterday’s sidewalk conversation, he concluded that they weren’t.

He shifted again and lay back down and closed his eyes.

They weren’t compatible.

It was a coincident meeting and they wouldn’t have crossed paths otherwise. Their lifestyle was too different and they had no knowledge of each other prior to their meeting.

They merely took a chance to be happy. Which they did achieve but it was merely temporary. They had fun but it was short lived.

From the conversation they had, Jongdae had concluded that they weren’t ready. The relationship was rushed and they had no idea what they were jumping into. They didn’t have a better understanding of each other and that was their downfall. They had different ideals and it didn’t overlap.

Their breakup was sudden and yet it was dragged out too long. They fought for a month or two before officially breaking it off but when they did, it just came to a surprise to both of them. It was scary how both of them expected the other to stay, but neither did.

Maybe they did love each other but it wasn’t enough to hold them together and for that, he felt a trickle of regret.

Any longer and a real explosion would’ve happened and neither of them would be able to stand the heartbreak. In the arguments they had, harsh words were exchanged and it hurt them both, even if they didn’t want to admit it.

As always, they managed to avoid the landmine.

Jongdae sighed, a slight frown marring his face.

Honestly, the whole relationship was confusing and messy and it ended in the same way. And though this relationship had left him a whole bunch of questions about himself, he couldn’t find it in himself to regret ever following Minseok that day.

They might’ve broken up but the memories were still there.

They might’ve broken up but it didn’t turn back time.

He learned that breakups doesn’t necessarily mean two people don’t care for each other anymore. Maybe it was better that they broke up.

Maybe. 

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a/n: isnt my best work but hope you like it. i promise i'll do better next time lel i lost inspriration